So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

@MyPurpleHeart I'm so sorry - I never cease to be amazed at how mercenary some people are- I loved my grandparents to bits but used to be aghast as a teen at how much visiting of old friends and relatives they did- but only well off ones.

My MIL is fading fast. She has the gaunt look of someone who doesn't have long. She isn't eating or drinking much at all. She is calm and being very well cared for. She sleeps a lot and utters just a few words when she's awake.

I have sat with her and told her a lot of what I want her to know (though it brings me to tears). Apart from the sadness I have accepted it is her time and can only wish it comes sooner rather than later.

I am going to a moonlight lake swim with my wonderful group of ladies this evening. They will let me talk if I want, make me laugh and give me a big squeeze. I am fortunate to have good friends.

Dreadfully sorry, money and families.

I’ve been following this thread and I think it’s time for me to join. My FIL is 81 and was admitted to hospital again yesterday. He has copd so his lungs have never been great but last year he had empyema and has not really got much better. The hospital dithered for so long over whether he needed surgery or not and then he had to wait for a bed in another hospital that did the surgery so he nearly died then. I can’t help wondering if it would have been kinder if he had. The underlying infection has never properly cleared. They seem to give him IV antibiotics, he gets a bit better, they discharge him, he gets worse. He was meant to have been in hospital for 2 weeks of iv antibiotics in August after iv antibiotics he was having administered at home affected his kidneys but they discharged him after a week. Now we’re here again. My MIL is a retired nurse and is under no illusions as to how ill he is. She said at the weekend that she thinks he’ll be gone by Christmas. It takes all his energy to catch his breath and he’s lost so much weight, he has had no appetite for so long. To me it seems he has little quality of life, he can’t do anything or go anywhere, it’s all too much for him. Part of me wants it to be over, he’s not my Dad and I’ve never particularly gelled with him, he’s not an awful person, just different personalities. But my poor DH, DS and lovely MIL will be devastated. I’m not sure if FIL thinks they’ll find some miracle cure for him, I don’t know what discussions they’ve had about end of life care or if we’re at that point yet. It helps putting it all on here as I can’t say any of it out loud.

@Kettricken you’re supporting your family as well as you can. I definitely take away from these tough times that I want to have it written in my own LPoA to not prolong a life of suffering or burden my DH or DC.
I’m in my 40s and still want to get LPoAs done because of the things I’ve seen and done in the last few years.
I wouldn’t want my DH or DC to remember me as I’ll remember my DF now.
Or impose the night DM died after months of a terminal illness on anyone.

One of my aunties has been admitted to hospital after a fall, I need to sort out a get well soon card. I'm not sure which hospital she's in (it's over the other side of the country). My Mum knows but life has been much, much more peaceful since I went NC with her and I don't want to stir things up.

She had a couple of goes at phoning me - one of them a video call which I suspect would have been a massive guilt trip to demonstrate how ill Dad is, as if I didn't know.

My son has autism and is really struggling at the moment, and tbh that's put things with the elderly parents in perspective. I think I realised how bad things had got with my mum when he got diagnosed and I just didn't want to tell her - she seems to really resent anyone taking the focus off her and Dad.

@HoraceGoesBonkers You could try phoning the hospitals in your aunties locality and asking to be put through to admissions. They should be able to tell you if she’s an in patient if you provide her date of birth.
I think you’re doing the right thing to prioritise your son’s needs and limiting contact with your mum.

Just came across this thread as my father died in hospital this week after a very long illness. I know so many people in this situation with their parents and it's so very hard.

Yesterday I cleared on my fathers room of all his medications and literally had a huge shopping bag full! He had very little quality of life at the end in the past couple of years.

His death was also traumatic for us all as he was taken in to hospital last week with a burst aorta and they said it could be hours/days/weeks so they would keep him comfortable. We spent 5 days at his bedside (also trying to get my frail elderly mother there daily which was traumatic for her but she wanted to be there). Watching him die will never leave me. It wasn't peaceful. I'd had my dog put to sleep 2 weeks earlier and it was the most lovely (as can be) experience. I don't understand why we put humans through this when there is no chance of survival. It's agonising for families.

Thinking of everyone in this situation.

Hello @Userelderly I'm very sorry that your father has just died.

It doesn't sound very peaceful. My mother had an awful death, despite being under the hospice team. They never managed to control her distressing symptoms.

I hear what you say about animals being pts. I think you're right.

How's your mum coping now?

@AgitatedGoose I don't have her DOB unfortunately! I've got another aunty who I've asked and will hopefully let me know soon.

My sister - who had cancer recently - has also started attempting to limit contact with my DM; she went down to visit and DM was really off with her, and has (and more or less the same thing happened to me a few years ago) been snidey with DS for having problems with HBP She seems to get actively offended if either of us has our own health struggles; she's always been like this.

I'm sorry you had to experience it also. It's so distressing.

My mother is coping very well at the moment as we are both (DB and me) off work so able to be there daily. Not sure how she will be once life starts to return to some normality.

@Userelderly So very sorry about your fathers's death and massive condolences to your Mum. I think you're absolutely right about pets being allowed a more peaceful death. It's awful what some people have to endure.

I remember when my dad was in hospital following a very major stroke, and a young doc very apologetically telling us nothing more could be done except to keep him comfortable. I said to him he didn't need to apologise. All I felt was relief and I was horrified at the thought that they might force any sort of recovery.

I had a msg last night that MIL is shutting down. I msg'ed back but have heard no more.
I think I need to give them space - the husband (second marriage, not my FIL or boys' grandad) and MIL's DD, though I care deeply.

I don't know whether to msg again. I don't know if they're at her bedside, whether she's already gone. I don't know if they would like my support.

It's my Birthday today and I don't know if they've decided not to send me sad news today.

I saw MIL on Monday. It was a nice visit. I am peace if I don't see her again.

Happy Birthday @CharlotteBog although it's obviously going to be a sad one this year.
I'm glad your MIL was at peace when you saw her.

One of my friends has just died in his mid 60s. I don't understand why some folk go on and on and others just go.

@CharlotteBog Wishing you a happy birthday and hope you manage to do something nice in spite of the very sad circumstances. I’m glad you were able to see your mother in law.

Its a mystery. Fear, sheer bloody mindedness possibly.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. My dad was in a similar position and I would have happily given him euthanasia two years prior to his death to spare him from the most undignified 'life' of endurance had it been legal. Fortunately his death was peaceful. It made up for the 7 years of slow, cropping of his body and mind until he could no longer speak or move in any way. It has also changed the way I see members of my family, possibly for ever.

DF has stopped speaking it's been a gradual thing in that somedays we could have a vague conversation and others just nods when we spoke but nothing else. We have an Odema nurse visiting on Tuesday to take a look at his legs which are in a terrible state now. I have visited this week and seen him but now each visit I wonder if it will be the last time. He has never been a kind dad, but he is my dad and it's very hard.

@Tara336. I’m sorry about your Dad’s deteriorating health and know how hard this must be. It’s also very difficult when you haven’t had a good relationship with your parents and know the chance of an apology or their chance to make good is fading and will soon be gone forever. Sending a handhold and try to look after yourself at this awful time.

@AgitatedGoose thank you, a few months ago when i was alone with him I told him how badly he had hurt me over one particularly nasty thing he had done, he looked at me and denied he had done it! I will never get an apology (nor will the rest of the family) as he sees nothing wrong with the way he treated us.

Hi everyone, have been watching the thread for a while now.

Grandmother is 95, 96 at the end of the year.

Started feeling unsafe and lonely in her own home wanted to move to a very specific sheltered complex, I done all the forms (I'm the only child of an only child and DM passed away some years ago) spoke to them, kept on at them for updates and got her a lovely wee flat.

She still complains she is lonely but she won't go and mix with anyone, she goes to the bingo, then straight back to the flat, won't accept a cuppa from anyone because that means she would have to reciprocate and have them into hers and she has always hated having people in the house.

I see her as often as I can and she's either delighted and fun or like a petulant child because at some point I need to go home.

Her house is finally sold and instead of thank you, I get told well you can bin everything now.

It just feels like nothing is ever good enough. My Dad and other friends visit her and take her out, she attends 2 clubs outside of the complex weekly as well.

@GoldenSpraint surely it would be better not to have given her antibiotics, at her age, with advanced dementia?
I don't understand why doctors do this.