So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Yes, swollen ankles and abdomen, but not massively though. Prescribed diuretics on Wednesday and DM told me this on the phone when she got back home, but today she claims the GP gave her tablets and she’s no idea what they are for (she has form for this kind of thing though). DSis got a print out of her prescriptions, so we know what she should be taking. She can’t walk anyway because her knees are shot, but losing the excess fluid will make her more comfortable.

Should know more once the echo is done, but I think we’re now very much on borrowed time.

@SabrinaThwaite great result, well done! Diuretics have been a great help to MIL, she's been on them for about 6 weeks and is so much more comfortable. She has become less continent though and is more prone to bed wetting, so if that will be a new thing for your DM, is best prepared for!

My DM (94 with colon cancer) also developed fluid on her ankles and legs and was prescribed diuretics. However, following a blood test we were phoned at 3 AM! by the blood service as her potassium levels were very low. This can affect the heart muscles and so she was taken into hospital for a couple of days and put on a drip. After this, she was prescribed potassium-sparing diuretic tablets which seem to work very well and her electrolyte levels have gone back to normal.

Thanks @MovingSwiftlyOn .

The GP said she wanted to send DM straight into hospital on Wednesday during her appointment but DM refused to go.

DM has no memory of this and thinks that everything that is happening now is because she banged her head in June.

@thisisnotmereally That’s useful to know, thank you - waiting on the district nurse to come out and take bloods, they should have come out yesterday. GP has given them a ticking off and I’m going to nag first thing on Monday.

When my mother’s legs first started to swell, a district nurse told her that it was due to a bite. I was a bit dubious so had a second opinion from her GP. He said that he would ask the domicillary blood takers to come out, took almost 3 weeks for them to arrive. If they’d come out sooner, her electrolyte levels probably wouldn’t have dropped so much but at least it seems sorted now. Hope that you do too

Seconded X

Long day today. Mum’s breathing was really bad this morning, and she was very tired and sleepy, so ended up calling 111 for advice, and they sent an ambulance. Paramedics were really good, they did another ECG and found new AF so took her in to A&E. Hospital was supposed to update me (my name and phone number were on the paperwork), didn’t hear anything for several hours and so started ringing and finally got through - only to find it’s DSis listed as next of kin and they can’t tell me anything.

Still I have registered with them that she can’t be discharged without a care package, and DSis will do the same tomorrow. The last couple of days has really shown that she needs a proper care setting and not just carers coming in a few times a day though.

Spent a good part of the afternoon and evening visiting all the neighbours to thank them for propping her up over the last month (and discovered that she was still driving a couple of weeks ago despite claiming that she wasn’t).

Really wish she’d gone in last week when the GP wanted her too - I think it might have been better than going in on a busy Sunday afternoon.

On the plus side, DH took us potentially gaining an elderly cat remarkably well.

My own elderly cat will no doubt have her own views on the matter.

I have just heard that my MIL is being moved onto palliative care.

I joined this thread in June when MIL was under a section in a psych ward and not eating or drinking. She was moved to a care home a month ago and although she is less anxious (through medication), she is simply fading away.

I am going to see her shortly. DS (15) hasn't seen her since before she was sectioned, which was in April. I talked to him today and he would prefer not to visit.

I have text my abusive ex husband who I have not had anything to do with for years and years (since the courts decided that DS2 didn't have to see him). It's the right thing and in his hands now. He has been estranged from him mother for many, many years.

DF is now fading away, they believe his heart is beginning to fail, and he is being kept comfortable. I have taken out insurance on our upcoming holiday in case anything happens before we are due to go. I'll visit this week but always find it so hard. I don't even know how to come to terms with any of this, he hasn't been a good father, in fact he's been awful and not treated any of us well. I said to DH I need to forgive him for my own sake but I find it so hard, I'm dreading anything happening I cried this morning because I'm struggling with the idea of people telling me they are sorry my DF has died when I'm not sure how I will feel, but don't want to feel like a fraud and people showing me sympathy when it's a lot more complicated then that

I'm struggling with the idea of people telling me they are sorry my DF has died when I'm not sure how I will feel, but don't want to feel like a fraud and people showing me sympathy when it's a lot more complicated then that

Sorry to jump in when this is the only post I've read from you (feels rather crass under the circumstances), but I have some experience with this.

My friend's MIL died and when I saw my friend's husband (who I know on a school parent level) I said I was sorry to hear about his Mum. He said matter of factly that he was doing OK, that his relationship with his Mother was complicated, but he appreciated my concern. I would have a been a complete fool to say anything more. I did know not to ask him how was doing months down the line.

I suppose you could view it as people being sorry you are going through a difficult time, irrespective of the complexities of family relationships. Mostly though, people who don't know you well, just want you to know they care. About you.

@CharlotteBog thank you, that makes sense. I just don't want to have to explain to people what he was really like as I feel a lot of shame about the way he's treated us and a weird sense of loyalty to my dad (don't ask me why)

@Tara336 I can relate. I'm guessing you might have had therapy already. I have to say I didn't need grief counselling when my dad died. I went quite old school if people expressed sympathies and said briskly that he was very old and very frail so it was a happy release, and anyway how are you? That kind of thing. It's pretty easy to signal that usual condolences aren't needed - It's harder to get ongoing support when you do need it imo.

@PermanentTemporary thank you, that's another helpful way of dealing with it. I have had some therapy but I feel like more is needed I have picked up a couple book recommendations off the Stately Homes thread and can certainly relate to some of the things I've read so far.

Just to say love... when my own Father died my first emotion was one of relief..relief for him that it was over, relief for me that the worrying was over and relief for my then tiny Daughter that there was less running about..I adored my Father. My Mother died first and Dad died a short time after. I am convinced that Dad died of a broken heart. My ex-Brother in law wisely said.. " the circle is now closed and everything is tidy" as indeed it was. Death is not always sad, Death can sometimes provide blessed relief to those that have died and those that remain. Feel no guilt, there is no need for explanation.. go well my Dear X

@Donenow1 thank you that's very wise words, you really are an amazing person so supportive of everyone.

@CharlotteBog I was relieved when my Mum died suddenly from Alzheimer's earlier this year. She had zero quality of life and I'd expected her to live like this for years as she had no other medical problems. I was glad that her suffering was over. I grieve the relationship we never had and my awful childhood. Dealing with the funeral and other associated admin on my own has been really stressful and made me realise how little support I have. I'm very grateful this thread exists.

Hello, I didn't know this thread existed and have read it all .
My mum died in April and I've been a mess since.
Our relationship in teens until 30s was difficult. I realised only in the last few years likely she had NPD, which explained alot. Like she resented me doing well, my independence which is what saved me ironically. She loved me underneath and I struggled to share anything much if that makes sense.

I became much closer to mum once I became a parent but even then it brought up a lot and initially she struggled with seeing me parent as it brought up her guilt I believe.
She recovered from cancer twice then lost her husband. That's when we all had to start helping more.
She lived with me as could not live on her own due to anxiety, safety ,lack of cooking etc . My lovely husband was incredible being ok with this, we got a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's and set up POA etc. We managed ok given COVID was in the middle of it all and actually we became closer and I've got lovely memories. I was determined to ensure she had some love, company and family because her mum, my gran, was very lonely and I never quite forgave mum. But I was also young and didn't understand how complicated elder parents and raising children at the same time is.

She lived with us then a couple years ago I found a nice room in a home where she was still able to go out such was very important to her and a nice community there. It was very hard untangling from her and painful. I'm grateful she was ok with it and she told her a social worker she wanted more quality times with me and this move would help.

The Alzheimer's was creeping slowly along but she loved her room still went out, knew who we were, and generally a different person to who I grew up with. We had some incredible healing moments these last few years.

I have struggled as she died extremely suddenly from cardiac arrest. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye or see her.

But this thread has given me true perspective on the future she was dreading. She often says she'd had enough, was in alot if pain and addicted to sleeping pills. I understand now the pain that was coming. The expenses and the stress were about to ramp up even so much more. And I was the main one doing everything and I feel relieved and guilty about the relief.
Thank you for helping me to contextualise.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.

@nodramamama welcome to the thread. I'm sorry for your loss, but so glad you were able to make some repairs to your relationship with your DM before she passed away. I'm sure someone will be along with much wiser words then mine but you did your very best for your DM that's abundantly clear and how lovely that she said she wanted some quality time with you, that shows how much she appreciated what you did.

Thank you, I'm hoping counselling will help me through these feelings as I'm utterly exhausted from so many years of worrying and having to be resilient my whole life. I'm just not sure who I am at the moment and feel like I have lost a child and a parent at the same time.

Ive just lost my grandmother, her funeral is on Wednesday.

My grandparents were married 72 years, we lost my grandfather 5 years ago and she lived alone ever since. She got older, less able to take care of herself, and lonely. Her two twin children (my mum and uncle) resented her. They didnt want to care for her, spend time with her, be around her. It was left to the granchildren who made a rota to visit to clean and take her groceries. We did this for years and were usually the only people she saw.

The house became neglected and she got more and more frail. She fell a couple of years ago and was hospitalised and her children magically appeared at the hospital like doting family. Waiting for their sizeable inheritance. She recovered and got better, they hated her even more.

They took her bank cards, will, jewelry, and all valuables out of her house. They left here there and dropped food on the doorstep once a week.

I fell out with my parents after she was hospitalised when we had a massive row about how she was being let down and we didnt speak for 5 months. We made some progress when my daughter was born as i wanted them to have a relationship but our relationship is still very strained.

She was found on the floor in the house. We dont know how long she was there, it was only when they went to drop food on the step they found the previous weeks food hadnt moved.

Two days later they emptied her house and started the probate process. We havent even had a service and they have had estate agents round. Shes left them a lot of money and they dont deserve a penny.

On Wednesday we will say goodbye and my heart aches.

Im sorry i know this wasnt the purpose of this thread but i needed to get that out and this seemed the best place.

I will truly miss her x

OMG @MyPurpleHeart that is truly horrific.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for all you've suffered over the years.

@MyPurpleHeart sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. It’s healthy to have different perspectives and had given me some food for thought around what my children’s perception might be.

@MyPurpleHeart
I'm so very sorry for the loss your have experienced and the easy l way you're grandmother was treated (and you as her grandchild). I cannot comprehend what you've been through, that's just an awful situation.
Please take time to care for yourself.