So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

I absolute get the resentments people feel - i am certain I would feel it myself. I did care for a family member for three years and I admit i felt absolutely burnt out and sick of the whole situation - I absolutey feel the pain in the words of your last paragraph and can somewhat understand your thoughts and feelings there

I dont really have great healthcare just the NHS - and zero emotional support. I don't talk too much about my situation IRL as I don't want to mood hoover everyone I come in to contact with. I tend to keep it in, and cry when alone. I know its not the healthiest but Ive tried counselling and it just pissed me off haha i cant explain why really i cant put it in to words

I have thought long and hard and i know how my illness will progress, i cared for Mum towards the end of hers, and i remember seeing Grandparent who was the same -(and end stages are very scary, potential years of suffocating, basically) so I am not planning to let it get that far IYSWIM i will take control - nearer the time....but that is not a problem for today so I don't worry too much now and focus on the here and now

I think im getting better at compartmentalising things - again prob not healthy but it is my way of getting through the day without feeling consumed by a pity party

I do hope things improve for you x

I am hoping that if/when it’s my time, and that could be anytime soon my long term memory will be there enough for me to remember what I have been through for the last 20 years and know how I should treat the ones I love

I wasted a good 20 years worrying about Mum and Dad. They gave Oscar winning performances.

I am coming to the conclusion that they want you to want to help, to show you care. They are also far removed from the busy work and child rearing years so they don’t remember/appreciate the stress.

@Sharptonguedwoman I also experienced the disdain for those who can work from home from more than one elderly relative this week - it’s seen as ‘hardly working’ and not understood as the ‘I also work my commute time’ reality. I agree older generations are too far removed from women working to understand the pressures of parenting + house work + full time work (+ elder care). They think they should be the priority, this is often reinforced by services who are also focussed on the ill elderly person.

Absolutely agree. I've been dealing with this about 2005 when my parents' garden got too much for them. I had a full time, full on job which included most evenings and an 11 year old. Parents would NOT accept help so when we visited we were scrubbing walls and floor tiles etc. Jobs they couldn't do. Mum's now 93.....

Afternoon! Anyone got any advice, as the order the Pret advice was really useful on Monday! I'm waiting with my mum for an ambulance again, she's in severe pain after her fall, I'm not convinced she has a medical need but she has lost her memory and there are packets of painkillers all over the place and she can't look after herself because she's in pain every time she moves. What do I do now? Is this an NHS issue or a social services issue? TIA.

Hi @SierraSapphire so what happened the other day with the ambulance?
Was she taken to hospital?

Taken to hospital, Xray showed no break just bruised, sent home.

Oh @SierraSapphire I'm so sorry- do you want her admitted? If so, useful phrases- “ unsafe discharge” “ risk of readmittance” to try and ensure the hospital get to the bottom of it.
And be crystal clear about what support you can and can’t give- soooo many tales of bids saying “my family look after me” etc. Make sure it’s written down. Do you suspect uti?
And produce a notebook and very visibly write EVERYTHING down and take names and roles.

We found with dad that simple bruising can be very painful for the elderly and she's may have soft tissue injuries from the fall. Any arthritis and a jolt can lead to painful joint for a few days. Dad had delirium after one particularly bad fall. I second the unsafe discharge, risk of readmission mantra. I'd engage with social services as well.

They're taking her to hospital thankfully. DD (student nurse) is going there so I'm off duty shortly! God knows what's going to happen, I don't think she's got anything much that can be mended, it's just age.

How you’ve kept going since 2005 I don’t know. Gold medal for endurance!

This! Mine reads about WFH skivers in the right wing press so consequently thinks I don't do anything with most of my time! Some of her attitude I can understand, it's more than quarter of a century since she last worked, and she never had a job that involved computers. So she is completely out of touch with working life. But she has no idea of the pressures of working now. Or juggling full time work with bringing up children. And she thinks she's a great expert on pensions but still hasn't grasped that final salary pensions don't exist now and pensions don't necessarily come with a lump sum at retirement any more!

Good luck @SierraSapphire

Thanks @FiniteSagacity, DD has been a star and spoken to the doctor and they are keeping DM in and are not going to release her without a package of care, so that'ssomething. We're just going round around in circles, but after five years, DM has finally agreed that she does need carers.

I'm about to start a full-time job after having been self-employed for 12 years. Part of the reason is it has just been expected that I will be endlessly available for all sorts of things as I don't have a "proper job". It's been so incredibly stressful when DM has been ill and I have had training to deliver or something that cannot easily be arranged and there's nobody to replace me. I know that we different stresses with the full-time job but I think I will find it easier to set boundaries.

@SierraSapphire i really hope your dm will accept the carers. Make really sure the discharge team are crystal clear about what you will/ won’t do.

Much sympathy all. I totally agree that the world has changed. We are expected to have full time jobs and these are often miles from our parents and yet we are somehow then expected to miraculously look after them
how just how

@SierraSapphire I second keeping notes, I found it invaluable when I was battling SS and Dr's. Every phone call, conversation and email was recorded in my notebook.and the outcome. When in contact with SS email them afterwards confirming what was said. Once they all realised that I was documenting everything (including no shows by the crisis team) they started to take me seriously, I found I had to.turn myself to the biggest pain in the ass possible to get the help we needed. I even contacted ministers, DF MP anyone I could think off. Because when DF became a real physical threat to us the hospital and SS still wanted us to have him home, it seems a very out of sight and off our hands attitude (they are overun and can't cope).

When I have occasionally looked at my notes of what was going on the calls, emails all begging for help (over 8 months) with DM threatening to harm herself as she couldn't cope, us being hit with walking stick, I had a lighter held to my face when I was pinned in a corner... it is no wonder I got to last Christmas mentally and physically exhausted. But I'm glad I fought for the help, we shouldn't have too fight but it really does seem to be what you have to do

@SierraSapphire also I would say don't allow them to discharge DM without the care package, my DF had made threats to DM and attempted tonhit her in front of the nurses on the hospital ward and they still said he was fine to return home! SS asked to discharge him to us despite no care package in place and made.promises that they would sort one ASAP which obviously didn't happen until I began my epic battle

That sounds awful @Tara336 . Actually social services have been okay on discharge, but then DM gets up extra early to prove she doesn't need care. I have an appointment set up for Wednesday though with a private care agency if she's out of hospital. I'm starting a new job on Monday, I was supposed to be taking last week off but I spent two afternoons with DM waiting for an ambulance and the rest of the time sorting out insurance, finances, new and old cars as my car was written off in a neighbour's garden fire last weekend. I feel like I can't get a break. I've been travelling since 6.30am this morning to get the new car, though I am just sat in a Starbucks staring before I do the final stage of the trip. Fortunately (?) DD is furious that the hospital discharged DM on Monday, so she's on it too.

@SierraSapphire you have had a rough time lately! I hope the new job goes well for you, I think you deserve some good luck! I saw DF today he was horrible to me again, but I'm very fond of one of the other residents who is an absolute sweetheart so we had a nice chat instead

Hi. I posted here a couple of weeks ago, before going to visit my M, who'd fallen and broken her hip. Slipped on long wet grass in the early morning. She was in hospital for 3 weeks. At home now for a week, carers coming in 4 x day, plus physio etc. Cleaner.

Long story short, I filled up her green bin with brambles. Plus the never ending jobs. That's OK.
However the rest of it is causing some stress. Hence the post.

Her gardener retired, she says. She won't wear an alarm because someone has told her they won't honour her DNR. I arranged, with my DB, that someone else would garden. She's good, but is my DSs ex partner's girlfriend. Yesterday DS cancelled the arrangement. She gave an excuse but basically its due to bad blood.

My issues -
*My M has not been a healthy parent to me. At all. Now she is elderly ( plus the counselling) I can deal. In short doses. I see through the manipulation.
*The above DS does more caring for her than any other sibling. Shedoesntvisit much, but She's local. They have a very codependent relationship. Money is a big factor. They are becoming extremely alike. Both feel martyred, both are passive aggressive. Its extremely hard toknow what's truth, and what's not. Stories change according to the desired outcome. When I see DS nowadays, she gives me the silent treat(ment), for some reason. Wotever.

• DB stays away. He has enough on his plate, and needs to support his MH.
• My youngest DS, who is close to M but lives further away, has cancer. She can't visit for the foreseeable.

I think I need to step back. Way back.
After yesterday, I was wary that M is effect under DSs control. But then, its working, to a degree. M has capacity, despite the irrationality.
She'll end up in hospital again. Others will be blamed, but kept away as well.
It's like watching a slow train crash.
DB has sent me the AA Serenity Prayer. I need to take it on board.

@KeeponReading I'm sorry your still going through so much stress. Stepping back sounds the best thing for you TBH. I didn't have a great DF (he is an awful person actually) but I did all I could to get him into the home and I consider my job done. I visit now but on my terms which is about once a month, due to distance and also because that's what I'm comfortable with. If DS is mainly seeing DM and happy with that then leave her too it. I feel so much better for it, although visiting can be strained as everyone in the home thinks he's like he is towards us because of the dementia

@KeeponReading It sounds like the only thing you can do is step back. And disengage froim the DS giving the silent treatment.

My DM has upped the drama ante recently. It was her birthday the day I left for a holiday so she told my sister she had an infection after having a tooth pulled and got her to pick her up from an emergency dental appointment at a hospital about halfway between her and my sister.

When she got to my sister's mysteriously the hospital hadn't given her any antibiotics, she was eating without difficulty and there didn't appear to be anything wrong.

I'd posted her stuff for her birthday and my sister had arranged to go and see her but it just feels that that wasn't a sufficient amount of attention.

I'd blocked her so I could have a holiday in peace, and because from previous bitter experience if DF is ill she will blow up my phone, but hadn't realised I'd still get notifications of attempted calls. She'd been trying to call me on my last day and I checked with my sister to see if anything was wrong and there wasn't.

I know this sounds awful but I'm just so fucking sick of her. Any effort we do make gets thrown in our faces, and she'll try and escalate any information or contact into a huge drama.

If I say anything to her then she will have some reason to justify her behaviour (she will do this even when she's behaved far more badly than the examples above) then will have a go at me for some sort of weird whataboutery reason. I'm low contact already, try to grey rock as much as possible, and it's just maddening.

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews I don’t think your comment is harsh. I feel my Dad just can’t see how much work he creates by refusing to pay for services. Admittedly he does have a gardener but it’s only two hours a fortnight so it’s not enough. He doesn’t make me clean when I go but because of the distance we have to stay over. I don’t want to be living in squalor whilst we’re there and we can’t afford to stay in a hotel.