So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

@eggplant16 DF lives in a fantasy land and I’m not sure if it is intentional lies at this stage. In the past he certainly lied but sometimes I think it was about saying what he thought he should say (either to make people go away or minimise his needs).

Thank you for sharing that about private carers, we’ve had a few care companies both funded and private and the difference in experience has been shocking between both individual carers and companies. We didn’t dip into private carers because of our distance and DF’s capacity to express his needs but it was considered at one point.

@Metoo15 sorry for your loss and glad the end was peaceful.

Thanks all. Sometimes writing it all down helps. It's also helping put it in context that it wasn't all my fault.

It's all been a bit shit anyway but it's the bit with my mum that makes it really unpleasant.

My sister had terrible mental health issues and was an alcoholic. I few times I asked my Mum to just leave her alone as Mum would call her, rile her up and then she'd start drinking. Mum would say she wasn't going to stop calling her daughter. In a way they sort of fed off each other and there was endless drama.

She'd also phone me up and complain my sister was "uncaring" if she didn't pay my parents enough attention. Looking back it was such odd behaviour when my sister was obviously very seriously mentally ill.

After my sister died my Mum started complaining about me behind my back and I'd get texts at all hours about Dad - I remember early one morning on my daughter's 4th birthday that briefly mentioned my daughter then was basically a big message about my DF. I felt really conflicted for thinking it but part of me was so upset I couldn't just, for once, focus on getting my little girl up and ready. Obviously if you ignored these you were being a bad daughter.

If I got her to stop one form of intrusive behaviour - I asked over and over to not send me the early morning texts - then it'd be replaced with something else. For a while it her calling and getting me to speak to Dad - he couldn't really speak by this point, she refused to give me any warning of when she was going to do this, and I'd be taking the kids to the park, see the call and pick it up in case it was an emergency, then be really struggling to hear my Dad string a few words together.

I ended up seeing a counsellor and reducing contact. This worked for a while and I felt a lot better, but I've been feeling bad since the last awful visit I had to my Dad - he seemed in a lot of discomfort - combined with my Mum starting a new angle of trying to get herself involved with a project I'm doing at work (argh!), sent a photo of Dad sitting slumped over in a chair looking dead then did that weird shit with posting a card through the door when I was out.

Anyway I've e-mailed the counsellor again and will hopefully get some more sessions soon.

Sorry for the rambling, it just has been really hard. Hoping better days are ahead.

@Metoo15 I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

@HoraceGoesBonkers oh my goodness you have been through it! Nothing you say sounds stupid and if writing it here helps then it's a good thing to do. My DF was such a spiteful man it was like he knew just how to hurt and enjoyed doing it DM enabled him and joined in on occasions..DH always says he is amazed I speak to either of them and that I'm a better person then he would be after the way he's seen them behave and from what he knows of the past. After everything I have done for DM over the last year I am still struggling with her recently calling me a bitch and before that caught her calling me a stupid cow to someone.

Jumping in, I was on the previous thread, different username I think.

Thought DM was dying in January but she's battled on, however we're close now. Possibly could be tonight as she's currently in A&E unresponsive but eyes wide open. It's so hard to tell though and we've been on this rollercoaster for a while.

Sorry LoopyPeanut, its a hard time for you.

@Tara336 It's really frustrating when you're doing stuff for them, isn't it? Mine didn't quite use words like that but was phoning up relatives and complaining when I send my son to school rather than a family lunch once. This was during that period where schools reopened between covid closures, the kids hadn't been able to see their friends for weeks and we didn't know how long they were going to stay open for. That felt like another straw.

I still struggle with it all most days and you're definitely not alone with it - my DM was so mean no matter how much I did! But counselling helped before and hopefully it will again.

@LoopyPeanut I hope you get a resolution soon.

I was sitting next to someone today whose Mum had been in hospital for a while and she was taking in some food and visiting and actually sounded really nice and patient about the whole thing. I envied her. Obviously not a member of the Bad Daughters Club. 😂

@HoraceGoesBonkers I have done unbelievable amounts for them both, sorting DF out with literally everything, sorting POA, helping renovate the house.etc and simultaneously running a business. I have stepped back and am only doing what I actually want to do now as I am emotionally and physically drained. But I'm struggling with forgiving and forgetting a lot of what has been said and done and also angry at the expectation I will just be able to drop everything to help

DM is still with us. No change today, still unresponsive but eyes open. Dr thinks it's a UTI so they are keeping her in for now.

Sorry the one above was me, name change fail between phone and laptop! Off to visit DM today. Still no change. How long will this go on for?

Hi. Are they treating her UTI?

They've given her fluids and glucose which seems to have done the trick as she was talking (making noises, but she thinks she's talking) to me today, and turned her head - so she's almost back to her 'normal' state however she still isn't eating and drinking at all and the nurse said they can't keep giving her fluids as it's a temporary fix so I think she'll end up going back to the care home, and she'll be managed and kept comfortable there. There's only one way it goes when they don't eat and drink - but she's not really eaten in months anyway, but now she won't even take sips of water.

Im so sorry Loopy, that sounds very hard to watch.

So sorry.

So sorry loopy must be very hard to watch

Can I rejoin (I was on the first thread)? We had a period of relative stability for my DM, but she now seems to be back to A&E visits. It's been five years of nearly dying and then rallying again. I really thought that was it last week (heart failure and COPD, she was struggling to breathe, same two weeks ago though they only kept her in overnight). She's been on a ward for a few days, she's just come off oxygen and they're talking about sending her home tomorrow. I've said all the usual things about discharge, but ultimately there's not much I can do if she's okay to go home.

I have in the past mostly gone with her to hospital, but the crises all seem to happen in the evenings and I miss most of a night's sleep. My life has been falling apart all this time. I think I have to stop going each time it happens, but it also worries me that each time could be the time she actually dies. Anyone else in this situation? What do you do? What can I do if she calls me during work and she's having another episode? Is it okay to just tell her to call an ambulance and carry on working, not that I'd be able to concentrate anyway probably? I can't just drop work every two or three weeks. I have a DB but he's pretty hopeless and also has a job where he might be sacked for missing work (I'm self-employed at the moment though that might change).

SierraSapphire So sorry to hear what you’re going through. I totally get it. My mum had many hospital admissions, so many it actually affected my mental health the thought of having to go to A & E starts a panic off.
I’m an only one so there were times mum had to go to hospital on her own because I was at work and by the time I’d got to her she was either just getting in the Ambulance or already gone.
My mum passed away last Sunday. The very last time she called for an ambulance I was ill in bed and couldn’t go. She was admitted and in a ward by the time I got there. Nothing happened, she was fine. Talk to your mum about it, if there isn’t anyone else what can you do. I’m sure she’ll understand.

How are you doing, @Metoo15?

Ah, sorry for your loss @Metoo15, hope you're doing as well as can be expected. I had cancer treatment a couple of years ago and the hospital made lots of mistakes, so I feel distressed at having to go back to that hospital, but fortunately our closest A&E is different so there's some detachment.

My issue is not so much that I can't go to A&E on each occasion, I probably could, but I can't go every other week. DM doesn't seem to get how exhausting it all is. She tells everyone I'm her carer then I feel like the evil daughter saying I can't do things. All familiar stuff....

@SierraSapphire I couldn't go when mine went in as an emergency. A medical problem meant I couldn't drive (she knew this but chose to ignore it), and it was too complicated by public transport. My DB could easily have gone but couldn't be bothered.

I'm 2-3 hours away (depending on rush hour traffic), work full time and have a primary school aged child so there is no way I could be dropping everything and going repeatedly.

It was quite useful as a wake up call - I'd repeatedly said I couldn't necessarily drop everything and rush to the hospital but it was only when this actually happened that reality dawned and conversations with other people started to happen. There was a definite mindset that the daughter would just swoop in and deal with everything!

As for potentially missing the end. I don't think it matters. I've already missed the end for one parent because I simply couldn't stay awake any longer (had been going on for weeks). There a cliche around deathbed scenes with family gathered round whereas the reality is it's often hours, if not days or weeks and you can't be there all the time indefinitely.

Oh and I don't take calls from her whilst I'm at work or commuting. It's too disruptive and 99.9% of the time it's something trivial. I use the Do Not Disturb function on my phone so if she rings she doesn't get through. My child's school and DH can both ring through.

If it was an absolute emergency then DH would be able to get hold of me, but funnily enough that never seems to happen!

I missed my DF's death by about 10 minutes @EmotionalBlackmail - in retrospect it probably was obvious he was about to die that night, but we'd been keeping vigil on and off for about two weeks. My DM had just come out of hospital (a different hospital so they were 50 miles apart) after breaking her hip, and driving her backwards and forwards to see my DF (and finding a bloody hospital wheelchair each time) while I was also trying to keep my business going was a nightmare. I had taken her home and gone back that evening by myself, he hadn't woken up while I was there, but I hadn't stayed as I expected to have to get up in the morning and do the whole palaver of getting my DM there again. I don't know, the conditioning to be a good daughter is very strong!

Hi. Thank you for asking. I’ve had a tough day today. It’s a week today since mum passed I was waiting for the time to come around this afternoon when she passed, goodness knows why. It’s been a long day. I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow when I’ve things to do.

Have you had the funeral yet?