Page 5 | Growing old alone

Strawberriesandpears · 2024-03-25T09:03:14+00:00

Hello, I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family). At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us. One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 30/08/2025 16:59

Cynic17 · 30/08/2025 16:48

OP, your fear is not normal - you need some help now. Maybe see your GP?

I mean, you might die in your bed tonight. Or you might go on a round the world trip with your latest toyboy at the age of 70. Who knows? As I've said already, being alone is not a bad thing, but somehow you have got into this negative mindset that is ruining your youth.

None of us knows what the future holds, so there is absolutely no point in worrying about it. Any of it.

I know, you are right - thank you. I just wish these retirement property type places would publish more information on what support is available if you don't have family. Do they help you access the next level of care if need be etc. Or could I be discharged from hospital, they refuse to have me back, and I am roaming the streets alone. Obviously I pray it's not the latter, but I just don't know for sure.

I think maybe I do need to see a GP. Maybe be prescribed some medication and also perhaps they could chat to me about the type of support available for older people, and that might put my mind at rest a bit.

OP posts:

Truetoself · 30/08/2025 17:16

i think it may be social services you should discuss this with or age concern? Don’t think your GP will necessarily know

Anabla · 30/08/2025 17:21

I don't think what you need is a chat from the GP about what support they offer old people is what you need. Because all that will do is offer you reassurance for a short while before starting this cycle of obsessive thinking all over again.

You've been posting these threads like this for a number of years and myself and others who have given you advice on support offered on a number of occasions but this doesn't seem to help or sink in. You seem stuck in this reassurance seeking cycle which is common for OCD. You seek reassurance to validate your fears from this intrusive anxiety but this just temporary relives this before the whole cycle starts again and whatever support you are seeking from these multiple threads isn't working.

I've worked with countless elderly people with no children/little family and it is nothing like you seem to be catastrophising about. I'd absolutely go to your GP for tablets but rather than a chat about support, ask for a referral for proper psychology support to help deal with these intrusive thoughts and support to help your way of thinking

Anabla · 30/08/2025 17:29

Truetoself · 30/08/2025 17:16

i think it may be social services you should discuss this with or age concern? Don’t think your GP will necessarily know

And please don't contact adult social services. I work in adult social work and to be blunt, most of us are up to eyes dealing with people who need support now rather than placating the worries of people who don't even the need the services for a good 40/50 years.

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 30/08/2025 17:46

Anabla · 30/08/2025 17:29

And please don't contact adult social services. I work in adult social work and to be blunt, most of us are up to eyes dealing with people who need support now rather than placating the worries of people who don't even the need the services for a good 40/50 years.

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Don't worry - I wouldn't do that! I know how stretched services are.

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Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 30/08/2025 17:48

Anabla · 30/08/2025 17:21

I don't think what you need is a chat from the GP about what support they offer old people is what you need. Because all that will do is offer you reassurance for a short while before starting this cycle of obsessive thinking all over again.

You've been posting these threads like this for a number of years and myself and others who have given you advice on support offered on a number of occasions but this doesn't seem to help or sink in. You seem stuck in this reassurance seeking cycle which is common for OCD. You seek reassurance to validate your fears from this intrusive anxiety but this just temporary relives this before the whole cycle starts again and whatever support you are seeking from these multiple threads isn't working.

I've worked with countless elderly people with no children/little family and it is nothing like you seem to be catastrophising about. I'd absolutely go to your GP for tablets but rather than a chat about support, ask for a referral for proper psychology support to help deal with these intrusive thoughts and support to help your way of thinking

I know, I'm sorry - I do thank you for your support. I really appreciate it. And yes, I am definitely an OCD sufferer (have been since I was a child).

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Anabla · 30/08/2025 17:54

I sympathise with OCD I really do but I think this (as your probably know), that this fear of elderly is just symptomatic of this. If it wasn't this you were focusing ok it would be something else. I really hope you seek proper support for this, because it's clear that all these multiple threads you have posted haven't helped and if anything just make things worse as you're stuck in a permanent cycle of reassurance.

And for people with no families, social services step in and if they don't provide the direct support (such as taking people to appointments), they sign post to people who do. It really is as simple as this. All these services are linked and communication with each other. It isn't half or even a fraction as catastrophic as your brain and mind are telling you.

cupfinalchaos · 30/08/2025 19:46

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 15:45

@maxelly Thank you very much for such a detailed reply.

I am lucky enough that I should be able to afford a retirement village type setting and I have found one in my area which is very highly rated. I just hope and prey it is still open and has a place for me when I need it. I would definitely be happy to move there at 55 / 60. It has independent living, followed by serviced flats then a care home if needed.

I am very lonely now, I think. I do have a partner, but worry constantly about losing him and then ending up alone again. I'd feel happier if I could develop a 'family' of friends, but I don't know how realistic this is.

Thank you again.

I’m 58 and couldn’t imagine at my age now moving into any type of retirement or care setting.

KateMiskin · 30/08/2025 19:56

OP, kindly, you seem to have a very idealised view of families.
I am 53. No intention of going into a retirement home at 55-60. I will still be working!
I have a DH and two DC and an elderly mum. I go to all my routine medical appointments alone. So does my mum for routine appointments. Why would we need anyone? DH works all hours and the kids do too, because being young in 2025 is no picnic. At least one looks likely to emigrate.
This idea of constant family support and companionship doesn't exist any more.
Even if you have kids they will likely be fsr away or too busy working, so everyone needs to be self sufficient.

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 30/08/2025 20:12

cupfinalchaos · 30/08/2025 19:46

I’m 58 and couldn’t imagine at my age now moving into any type of retirement or care setting.

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Yes I agree, on reflection it's far too early!

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Bathingforest · 30/08/2025 22:09

You need God my dear. Hope for the eternal life ....

KateMiskin · 30/08/2025 22:12

What's with the religious suggestions on every thread?

JimmyGiraffe · 30/08/2025 22:46

I just wish these retirement property type places would publish more information on what support is available if you don't have family. Do they help you access the next level of care if need be etc. Or could I be discharged from hospital, they refuse to have me back, and I am roaming the streets alone. Obviously I pray it's not the latter, but I just don't know for sure.

If you deteriorate and need a care home,rather than retirement/assisted living, then social services/local authority will step in. They have lots of people whose needs change, it’s nothing unusual. And if you were in hospital, you wouldn’t be discharged without arrangements for your ongoing care, they would keep you in hospital (as a bed blocker) until a care home place was found.

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 30/08/2025 23:04

JimmyGiraffe · 30/08/2025 22:46

I just wish these retirement property type places would publish more information on what support is available if you don't have family. Do they help you access the next level of care if need be etc. Or could I be discharged from hospital, they refuse to have me back, and I am roaming the streets alone. Obviously I pray it's not the latter, but I just don't know for sure.

If you deteriorate and need a care home,rather than retirement/assisted living, then social services/local authority will step in. They have lots of people whose needs change, it’s nothing unusual. And if you were in hospital, you wouldn’t be discharged without arrangements for your ongoing care, they would keep you in hospital (as a bed blocker) until a care home place was found.

I see. Thank you, that is reassuring. I know also that if I live in the retirement village I have my eye on, they have rooms in their care services which they reserve for recuperation after a hospital stay.

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KateMiskin · 30/08/2025 23:06

I am just watching The Thursday Murder Club. I would love to live in a luxurious retirement village like that and have my kids visit me. I really don"t want my kids doing stuff like taking me to medical appointments. I just want them to visit me for coffee, cake and fun.

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 30/08/2025 23:24

KateMiskin · 30/08/2025 23:06

I am just watching The Thursday Murder Club. I would love to live in a luxurious retirement village like that and have my kids visit me. I really don"t want my kids doing stuff like taking me to medical appointments. I just want them to visit me for coffee, cake and fun.

I should probably watch that film or read the books 😁

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JimmyGiraffe · 31/08/2025 10:07

KateMiskin · 30/08/2025 23:06

I am just watching The Thursday Murder Club. I would love to live in a luxurious retirement village like that and have my kids visit me. I really don"t want my kids doing stuff like taking me to medical appointments. I just want them to visit me for coffee, cake and fun.

Oooh yes, Coopers Chase would be perfect for me, in my twilight years!

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 31/08/2025 10:44

JimmyGiraffe · 31/08/2025 10:07

Oooh yes, Coopers Chase would be perfect for me, in my twilight years!

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I think the real retirement village it is based on is St George's Place in Sussex. I have just had a little look at the website and it looks very nice.

I think my ideal old age is to live somewhere just like that, have some close friends (both my own age and younger) and to try to enjoy my hobbies.

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CharlotteStreetW1 · 31/08/2025 10:48

Strawberriesandpears · 25/03/2024 14:05

Thank you for the advice so far. Something that worries me also is how to 'clear up' after myself when I die. I am going to start 'Swedish death cleansing' now so that I have fewer possessions but obviously I will still need to have had some items at my death (clothes etc). How can I arrange for them to be disposed of?

Your executor will arrange that. Even if you appoint a solicitor as your executor. I work in probate and we've arranged this for some of our clients.

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 01/09/2025 09:35

CharlotteStreetW1 · 31/08/2025 10:48

Your executor will arrange that. Even if you appoint a solicitor as your executor. I work in probate and we've arranged this for some of our clients.

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That is good to know, thank you. Ideally, I would like anything of any worth to be donated to charity.

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KateMiskin · 01/09/2025 10:10

I really think that friends are very important. My 80-year-old mum doesnt live near me, but is happy with her large circle of friends and neighbours that she has spent a lifetime cultivating. I visit if she has an emergency but she manages her life on her own and is completely up to date with online shopping, banking and everything. I know this won't last forever!
Having said that many of my friends have drifted away post the pandemic. Making lasting friends is very hard these days

Original poster

Strawberriesandpears · 01/09/2025 10:57

KateMiskin · 01/09/2025 10:10

I really think that friends are very important. My 80-year-old mum doesnt live near me, but is happy with her large circle of friends and neighbours that she has spent a lifetime cultivating. I visit if she has an emergency but she manages her life on her own and is completely up to date with online shopping, banking and everything. I know this won't last forever!
Having said that many of my friends have drifted away post the pandemic. Making lasting friends is very hard these days

Yes, I think friends are very important. Humans weren't designed to live their lives in isolation. I think I could be happy in the future if I had some good close friends, and if I lived in a retirement village where I could pay for all the practical help I need (hence I wouldn't be burdening anyone with that).

OP posts: