Growing old alone

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family).

At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us.

One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

I see what you mean. I don't think it's just what would happen in the case of death I worry about though. We'd be older parents, and I think for a child (adult child) to have to watch their parents decline at a earlier stage in their life is quite difficult / upsetting. I'm seeing that with friends who are in that situation now. They wish they had siblings / extended family. Whilst of course there are no guarantees that they'd be any help to them, I think it would be quite comforting to know you potentially had support. I don't think I am alone in these worries, as I see the parents of other (young) only children without much extended family worrying about the future in this way.

People with kids also need a plan

If I am lucky enough to be in good health I'll go for euthanasia in my late 60s

I don't understand why anyone would want to circle the drain in a vulnerable state

I know a woman with dementia and several kids but it's her next door neighbour who actually helps her - kids live in the same city

Try to find some positives. You aren’t tied down. Any places you love to be? Any places where you have interests and friends? If there is a part of the country find a community and a home you can safely stay in.

Agreed. Euthanasia is pretty difficult to organise though! It's easy to say you'll take that option when it's years away, but when the time comes you may perhaps feel differently.

But you do have a family. You have cousins, parents, a partner and aunties and uncles which sounds about average for most people I know. You just aren't close to them which is entirely normal for people as they get older.

The thing is no one can predict the future. Being alone in old age is a problem everyone can face no matter how many children or siblings you have. Children aren't your companions or peers, they aren't going to solve the problem of loneliness when your older unless of course you want them to live with you! It's the same with siblings. It would be a lot of pressure to think if you had one sibling that they would have somehow be responsible to have saved you from a life of loneliness or fear of being elderly.

It's one thing to be prepared such as having an awareness of retirement villages and sorting your will. Its quite another to be obsessively researching places that might not even exist when you need to them and to decide you're already going to give all your possessions. Do you really want to look back at your life when you are 90 and realise you spent 50 years or so, sitting around under your duvet in fear in an empty house having given away all your possessions or would you rather look back and remember all the fun and experiences you had?

It's not difficult if you're compus mentus (appreciate you can't assume that will be the case).

I am quite sure I'll be up for it - i wouldn't mind now except it would upset other people

Again you're going into this black and white thinking. None of us know how long we have. It's upsetting what ever age you lose a child and you said you're in your late 30s so if we're looking at averages, your child would be probably in their mid 40s/50s when they did lose you which isn't young at all. They'll have their own life established by then. And families are getting smaller and more are having just one child so the support network they build will probably be one of friends rather than family and it'll be a network of people they choose to have which is a positive thing in my eyes.

I have two siblings and a parent who has just recovered from cancer. Me and my siblings have supported our parents individually through this but we haven't been in touch with each other. I've had support from other people in my life. And in my work it really is 50/50 whether people have sibling support or not. I have literally countless of horror stories between families, it isn't always sunshine and rainbows!

Of course it's absolutely fine to not want children I should have added. I know people of all ages who don't have children and are absolutely living great lives!

Gosh I am twice your age (64) but only just starting to think about death.
And the idea of going into ‘retirement accommodation’ seems ridiculous.
I do have two DC but absolutely do not want them ever to be carers in any sense. I will not be lonely because as I have friends and won’t depend on them for companionship -hate how so many older people lazily expect that from their DC.
Have never really thought about age (changed careers to be a secondary teacher aged 52).
Left and divorced DH four years ago aged 60.
Have had two really good relationships since -both met through social life not OLD. (the current one is really the best I have ever had) I moved then to a vibrant riverside suburb of London, do lots of sports, there are lots of local pubs with live music/ quizzes etc. Have met several new good friends since I moved here.
Am now doing the Swedish death cleanse to get rid of all the crap I have bought over the years. Will just keep things that are immediately useful/Sentimental/I like to look at. Finances clear and in order so that way to deal with for executors.

I understand and you are right. I'm probably just jealous of some of people I know from school who I see posting on Facebook. They are close to their siblings, and their children are growing up as close cousins. That is what I wish I had, or had been part of myself when I was a child.

I am not actually too concerned about being lonely when I am older. I could stand that, even if it isn't optimal. What does worry me is having no practical help if I can't cope at any point. However, I understand that you can't guarantee that adult children will provide such support, and having read other threads on this board, I can see what a burden or strain it often is for them. In some ways, I am glad that I won't be subjecting anyone to that.

No, I definitely don't want to look back on my life with regrets either.

If you can still have a child I don’t understand why you feel your age is holding you back. Is your partner much older than you? I was in my 30s when I had my children, and most of the parents at the school gates are around my age too.

I’m going to be a bit brutally honest here. I feel like if you carry on as you are you are going to look back at a lifetime of regret. You are spending a lot of energy fixating on things that might never happen. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. I was thinking earlier that I know far more people who have died under 70 than I do who have died over 70. It’s good to prepare for your future, but fixating on it like you are means you aren’t really living now. You sound paralysed in fear of your future and almost sabotaging your present.

If you are able to have children (and obviously if you want them - which I don’t know if you do) and fear having no family, why not try and make a family and change your future? You say you have no extended family to support, but that also sounds catastrophising as you also say you do actually have other family they just have their own lives, which is the same as most people! I don’t know many extended families where everyone is in each others pockets all of the time. We have had very little support with our children, and that support has come from our friends, not our families.

You’re 37 - all being well you’ll have another 60 yrs.

Plan to live before you plan to die

you’re unencumbered. You could go anywhere, still meet someone, join a community, adopt a child, live with a family - just not yours. The possibilities are endless.

Social media is just the edited highlights of someone's life. And I had cousins and siblings I was close to growing up now and we aren't so much now as life gets in the way. And even with that, it wasn't everything in my life and I actually have far more fond memories of time spent with friends!

You can't change your past but you can certainly change your outlook for the future and how you want to live your life. You may not know it, but to a lot of people you are in an enviable position and as someone said there are endless possibilities for you for living a fulfilling life.

And what sort of practical help do you mean? There's so much support out there for those type of things plus technology moves so fast that a lot of things won't be a problem for when we are older!

Just to say my DM, since retiring in her 60s has made lots of new friends through going on holidays, joining groups, reconnecting with old friends so don't panic if you haven't got lots of connections. At retirement age, people are less busy it seems and have more time for friendships.

Living in a retirement community sounds a great plan.

I find people on mumsnet really get hung up on cousin relationships. I mean they are great but they are the most defining or important relationship in anyone life I know.

My parents each come from massive extended families, about 40 cousins each. My parents had cousins they were close to growing up but like everyone else, these fizzled out over time. I wouldn't know any of them if they walked past me in the street and I've only a small portion of them met them a handful of times at family funerals.

Yet my parents childhood best friends, are family to us. We call them auntie and uncle. And similar with other family friends who were and still very much part of our lives. It's the same for virtually everyone I know. All of my friends will speak about their parents friends etc but absolutely none of have this close relationship with their own cousins much less their parents cousins!

Sorry I keep coming back to this thread but you mention on here and on several other threads that you are going to be facing the future all alone and with no family. Yet you have a partner and friends so unless you're planning on splitting up with your partner and isolating yourself from your friends, I'm not exactly sure how you're going to end up alone and lonely.

And you've also mentioned that you do have this extended family. You have cousins, aunties and uncles. And your parents are still alive. You just aren't close to them, which is entirely normal however they are still there and your family. There's a lot of people out there who don't have this at all, or don't have a partner or friend. I think instead of telling yourself you're all alone and have no one, it would be wise to start practicing gratitude and actually being appreciative of the people you have in your life at the moment.

You're not old yet.
Live life as best you can now.

Now is all you actually have. The rest is theoretical.

You’re going through a lot so maybe you’re a bit depressed? You can make changes now to expand your friendship group and interests so you’re not just reliant upon your partner. As long as you’ve left some money behind I wouldn’t worry about leaving someone to dispose of your belongings - you really won’t care!

Sorry I keep coming back to this thread but you mention on here and on several other threads that you are going to be facing the future all alone and with no family. Yet you have a partner and friends so unless you're planning on splitting up with your partner and isolating yourself from your friends, I'm not exactly sure how you're going to end up alone and lonely.

@Anabla i also worry about old age (but I’m 56) and whilst I have a husband, friends and a busy life, I’m very aware that life throws curveballs, and the people I have now may not be around forever (particularly if something happened to DH) and I don’t want to be “the last man standing” if that makes sense?

Like the OP, I’m a worrier, I like to sort things out, but old age is such a lottery and it’s one thing I have no control over

Thank you. As you are in the same situation, I think you understand my worries better. It's 'the last man standing' thing which is so scary, isn't it? A sort of possible loneliness and vulnerability which hangs over you like a dark cloud, and you never know when the heavens are going to open 😞

Oh yes certainly, I can see how advancements in technology will make things a lot easier. Anyone who is elderly now could never have imagined 40 or 50 years ago the sort of technology which would be available to them, and hopefully it will be like that for us too!

Something I really fear though is having to go to medical appointments or A&E on my own. I don't think technology will be able to help with that.

I see what you mean. I think cousins can be nice though if you are an only child. It's a connection back to your family once your own parents have gone (people to share memories of grandparents with etc). I appreciate that the same could be achieved with close family friends though.