Growing old alone

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family).

At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us.

One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

@thecatsgranny Thank you. I do have a partner, but we won't have children. That ship has sadly sailed. I think maybe you are right in that I do feel a bit lonely. I don't have the extended family that many other people my age seem to have. No siblings, siblings-in-law, nieces, nephews, no close aunties, uncles or cousins or any other connections like that. It is a bit of a lonely set up really. You are right that I need to focus more on the present.

@Limehawkmoth Thank you. What you have shared about the connections you have made through the U3A is really encouraging and I am really pleased for you. 😊 I do have quite a few hobbies and interests, so I do see myself getting involved in lots of activities during my retirement years!

That's good advice the the over 55 communities. I am not too bothered about the cost to sell it on after I die, as I have nobody to leave my money too, but I recognise an issue is that if I needed care and my money was tied up in that property, I'd be in trouble.

Re POA for health / advanced directive, I think I need to be brave and recognise that if I had dementia, being treated for things like UTIs would not be in my best interest. Sad as it is, I don't want to live too long (I hope to be gone before I hit 90) as declining alone and possibly running out of money are hardly great prospects!

@olderbutwiser said "Give a solicitor Power of Attorney, and very very clear instructions about your preferences and wishes.

You can write an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment for medical care that is legally binding.

Plan and pay for your funeral."

Thanks for this. If it helps the OP, I'm 66, single, and have just moved to my final home. (Close to public transport, GP services, local-ish hospital in the nearest city.) When my solicitor is ready to rewrite my will, I'll raise all these issues with her.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. Good luck.

OP

i hope you take this okay. It’s great to be organised (and I’m very in favour of this generally), But this is your anxiety and depression talking, this not a rational response for a 37 yr old to have to concerns about ageing. I suspect that you could put into action every suggestion on this thread - and still be worrying and catastrophising about the future. Because it’s not really about that - it’s just that this is the thing your brain had latched into as the thing that ‘must be fixed’ before you can relax.

Maybe focus on treating your depression and anxiety right now? Then you might be able to enjoy some of the present rather than endlessly worrying about the future.

When you say your depression is situational and can’t be changed, are you referring to your lack of family / children / friends - and your concerns about the future? Or something else?

Yes I agree with this OP you could meet someone have a child you are still young. Try and live more in the moment enjoy your life. You have plenty of time to plan for the future. Nobody knows what is around the corner

is there a reason why you have not pursued a more fulfilling career?

if you are depressed optimising your lifestyle through eating well, sleeping enough, getting exercise, mindfulness and meditation will help, in addition to CBT.

are your parents only children as well?

everyone has family - they may not choose to keep them in their lives but they start off with family. But if your parents didn’t keep in touch I can see how you have ended up with no family

I agree with others in that getting counselling to help you with the fears is a good idea. As I've mentioned before I work in Older adult social work and neither me or my colleagues spend even a fraction of our time obsessing or worrying about getting older to the degree you do and we work with elderly people day in and day out. Many of my colleagues themselves are only children with no children or have only children by choice themselves. We see the reality of elderly life every day and if it was that frightening and terrifying I think more of them would be having more children!

The reality is you can't predict the future and its a good 40/50 years before you're probably going to be in a position where you need support and many people live active healthy lives in their elder lives. You're sitting looking at retirement villages that might not even exist then. The landscape of elderly care will have changed so much by the time you need it that it would be much better use of your time focusing on actually living your life with a sense of fulfillment and enjoyment now rather than sitting about trying to prepare and solve an issue that might not even arise.

I've worked with countless older people and there's absolutely no correlation between family size and loneliness. In fact there's plenty of research to show its those that are disengaged from communities and friends that are more lonely. I think you need to let go of this idea that siblings and extended family would have somehow saved you from this fear as it absolutely would not have.

The only barrier you face is your own views and outlook on life. You've resigned yourself that the rest of your life is going to be this lonely, terrifying downward spiral to old age when in fact as someone who doesn't have children you have lots of freedom to basically design your life how you wish such as travelling, opportunities to meet friends, relocation, career without the limitations that family can place on you. The more you live your life now, the less terrifying old age will be but this is something only you can do. Sitting researching retirement villages that may not even be around in 40 years is a rather depressing way to be.

Your idea of a family seems to be this rather enmeshed scenario where you all live in one another's pockets and exclusively socialise with each other. I don't think it's a particularly ideal or healthy thing to wish for.

How many adults do you know who would say they aren't lonely because they have cousins and aunties and uncles? I would class myself close to my extended family (closer than my siblings that I don't speak to!) and I still only see them a few times a year if that. It's the same for virtually everyone else I know. And my siblings haven't given me nieces or nephews and I certainly don't think I'm lonely. You can have all these things and still be lonely. In my line of work, I honestly couldn't tell you if my clients were only children or had this great network of cousins, nieces, nephews etc because by the time they are elderly these things just don't seem to matter to them.

OP, I have a friend who DID become seriously disabled in her 50s, lived on her own, parents dead, only sibling lived hours away (and they didn't get on terribly well).
She has carers in and lives in her own place still. Despite being even more scatty and cranky than she always was, she still has friends visit and take her out. One of them has PoA. Between the carers and the friends things more or less tick along as well as could be expected.
I would definitely say set up PoAs and nominate someone steady and sensible who you've known a good while.
That aside ... my friend did say she wished she'd "travelled the world and shagged around" while she could, instead of sitting staring at a computer; I wouldn't take that quite literally but I'm sure you get the gist!

I don’t think the large extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins is quite the solution you think it would be.

I don’t have this myself, my extended family is tiny! But friends who do have these relations seem to spend all their weekends going to a relative’s birthday or organising complicated cousin play dates, they don’t have much free time to spend with people they want to spend time with!

One of the joys of not having a large extended family is that you can fill your life with people you like and who like you, rather than people you happen to be related to.

Thank you for the replies everyone, and apologies for not having been back to respond properly yet. I will do later.

Assuming the re will be enough money left, you can just tell whoever it will be to arrange for a house clearance company to do it.

I have dds, but have already told them this, plus it’ll be in my will. Clearing a house is a major job, so having done it myself, I certainly don’t want dds to have that burden.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for all the latest replies, and I'm sorry it has taken me a while to come back to you.

@CrystalSingerFan I'm glad you have found the thread useful. Wishing you all the best for the future.

@rickyrickygrimes Thank you. I think you are right that my brain has latched onto it being a problem which 'must be fixed'. I am like that in everyday life - a real worrier and someone who likes to try and solve problems. But for the first time in my life, I am coming up against something over which I have no control and can't solve. I think that's part of the reason it's so hard for me. When I said situational depression, yes, I am meaning my lack of children / family. I guess there is an element of shame / blame too. I should have thought about this many years ago. It is only in my late 30s that it has slapped me in the face.

@Empress13 Thank you. Yes, in theory I could still have a child, but I am not sure it would be for the best. I've thought a lot about the situation I'd be bringing the child into - no extended family at all. What if my partner and I were to die young? Who would the child have? Absolutely nobody.

@Truetoself Thank you. I might actually have no choice but to try to pursue a different career soon. My current job is under threat owing to financial issues where I work, and also because a lot of it could probably be replaced by AI. No, my parents aren't only children, but their siblings have their own lives and aren't that close. My cousins aren't close to me either. We weren't brought up to spend much time together, so we have no bond. Also, they don't really 'need' me, as they have a large extended family of their own, as well as each other. I am entirely surplus to requirements!

I think you need to view it as a positive, not a negative, OP. Time alone is a gift - peace calm, no annoying relatives telling you what to do! After a busy life of work and people, I think it will be blissful.
From a practical point of view, you need to save funds to buy in the help you need, take taxis etc, but with some forward planning it will be fine.

Don't worry about cleaning up. Just organise the finance, possible care and a will

Our duties end when we exit the shell

@Anabla Thank you. That is reassuring to hear. I have actually wondered if I should change career myself and do something that involves working with older people. I'm quite an 'old soul' myself and seem to be able to build good rapport with older people quite easily. I also think I'm quite kind and caring. Maybe I would find that kind of work more rewarding, whilst perhaps also easing some of my fears about old age.

I agree that I need to work more on living my life now. I just seem to be quite stuck. The fear has become really paralysing, and that stops me engaging in the type of activities that would make me happier.

@MysterOfwomanY Thank you. That's really reassuring to hear. I'm glad your friend is well supported, and I wish her well for the future too.

@EmotionalBlackmail Thank you. Yes, that is true. I wouldn't enjoy having to spend time with brothers-in-law / sisters-in-law etc that I didn't get along with / didn't have much in common with. Sometimes I see these kind of gatherings on Instagram - hen parties, baby showers etc and I am relieved that I don't have anyone inviting me to that kind of thing!

I was having this thought for a friend who is older than me and seems autistic ....I met her in a hobby group. She lives alone and has organised online food delivery but was scared of dying and noone noticing...a cottage out of town , some neighbours but no close caring neighbour

I'm a bit immobile so cannot sign to be her end of life partner because I'm old and might need help soon

Are there buddy schemes to check on her or you need adult social care for this

Join a monastery/convent.

If she is an older person, I would maybe contact Age Concern and see what they can advise.

I have actually considered this!

DH and I are already on this. DH is retired and 56. I’m his second marriage - he lost his first wife at 49 so we are both aware it can and does happen. He is writing a book and doing an OU degree. I’m going part time this year.

you can feel lonely at any age and with a house full of people

We both:
are active in our local community founded a litter picking club etc on our estate
members of the local history society
are member of a very very liberal and easy going church
have dogs
exercise outdoor swimming etc and yoga
have set up a local reading club
heavily involved with local pta and are governors in local schools
I mentor women who have escaped trauma via ex abusive relationships both one to one and offer support to them and their children to help them build their confidence within their new homes
I write poetry to express myself and my emotions
Dh does art and painting
we both read
we love gardening

We have a new house which is 3 stories high but we only need one and could live downstairs

I was at one yesterday. Very serene!

You don’t need an extended family to have a child. You prepare in case of your and your partner’s deaths by making a will and appointing guardians - all parents should be doing this, whether they have family or not.

We have appointed friends rather than extended family for a whole variety of reasons!