Growing old alone

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello,

I was wondering if I could seek some advice please? How would you plan your old age if you had absolutely nobody to support you? This is what I am facing (only child, no children of my own, no extended family).

At the moment it is a long way off (I am 37) and I also appreciate (and actually hope) that it may never happen. Old age is not promised to any of us.

One of my parents is currently ill. I am having to face my own mortality, loneliness and isolation and feel absolutely terrified.

Thank you. That is reassuring to hear. I do hope I can expand my circle of friends when I am older. I guess we will all be working for longer, but I'm hoping there will still be some time for retirement!

Do you mean if you aren’t physically fit enough to get yourself to the appointment? Or someone for moral support?

I can’t remember the last time I took anyone to a medical appt with me, other than my baby when I was on maternity leave. And my DH when we went for one of the pregnancy scans (went to other scans on my own). When I was a student I asked a friend to go with me to some appts. Surely you’d just ask a friend to go with you if your partner isn’t around?

I guess so. I just hope I have a friend then. What if I live until I'm like 97 or something and everyone I know has died.

You can’t live your life with this many “what ifs?”.

The life you have is the same as the vast majority of people - we all might end up alone one day because our friends, partner, extended family have died. You have people in your life right now, and could just as easily die before all of them.

I never say this on here, but I’ve now found a reason to say it - you really do need to give your head a wobble.

Hi OP. 37 is very young to be so worried about this. You don't say if you want children. If the answer is no, you still may not be alone. Could you see yourself starting a new relationship? It's normal to think about your own mortality when an older relative is seriously ill. But you will, statistically, have many years to secure your future by investing as much as you can in a private pension and cash ISAs (still viable and tax free for up to £20K per year). Without knowing your housing situation, work and health status and living costs it's difficult to comment further.

Agree!!!
I find it just astonishing that someone 37 is worrying about ‘hospital appointments’ in 40 years time!!!!
think about how different the world was 40 years ago and the exponential changes that will occur on the next 40!
Just enjoy now, and get therapy to help you do that.

We don't control destiny, no. Also we don't control the decisions of anyone, nor children, nor husbands. Be always ready to be content in a room with few belongings, a small meal, cup of tea and some brain activity, book, Internet game, puzzle , dream, writing etc...be ready for that and if life gives more, take that too.

Sorry, dear, I might have posted on here.

One of my daughters husbands in only 45 but his father died of horrible cancer when he was 50. My son in law is preoccupied with a possible death at this age. Is it trauma or just a need to prepare for everything bit bless him, he's talking always about living near hospitals and amenities

This gives me ideas to create a thread, titled: why are we afraid of death , but im not that brave

Its really simple, mention to the authorities your need and they fix something here ....

I absolutely agree. I empathise with anxiety and worrying about getting older. Most of have some concerns about it, but simply obsessing about it to the point of worrying who is going to take you to a doctors appointment in 60 years just isn't rational or healthy.

As said above, your life isn't different to most people I know. You've spoke about having a partner and friends and cousins and other relatives. You aren't this isolated person with no support network and you're still young with decades ahead of you to build on this. None us know who we're going to have around in our later years. Children and close family are no guarantee of anything.

I really think you need proper professional help to address this. The amount of time you've spent over the years obsessing and fretting over this is time that could be spent out there actually living your life.

Maybe for some people. My cousin is an only child and we were close growing up and all my cousins that side of the family are a similar age. We've drifted apart as we got older as life got in the way however she got a married a few years ago and she had limited numbers and didn't invite any of us cousins to it and instead had her close friends there.

I wasn't annoyed at all, in fact I thought it great she had such close friends that are like family to her. And she's still friends with them now, these people are much closer to her and more family to her than me or my cousins are now! And she's gone to have an only child by choice and her and her child are absolutely not lonely and I see no reason why either of them will be in the future.

I've got family friends as well who are older, in their 60s/70s with no children. Two don't even have nieces or nephews and honestly they have well connected full lives. I've never looked at any of them and had the slightest concern they are lonely because they aren't!

Start that thread of you wish. If I had to answer the question, I would say I probably fear most the pain that might come with death. Or perhaps dying alone and not being found for a few days and my body causing a smell.

That is good to hear about your family friends living well connected lives. That is the sort of thing that gives me reassurance that I can have the same. 😊

I have done a lot of worrying over the last couple of years, but I haven't hidden away either. I have made some great new friends.

Honestly the world is changing so fast my view is what will happen will happen. I'm about to retire and I can already see that in 10 years my company will be chatgpt, my health will be monitored by computer and my physical needs will be met by dronws/robots.

Lol or it will go back to normal, as the rest of the world: your relatives do it for you

On my street there are people voluntarily ringing to the older lonely ones. You will be fine my dear

You aren't this isolated person with no support network and you're still young with decades ahead of you to build on this. None us know who we're going to have around in our later years. Children and close family are no guarantee of anything.

@Anabla i think the point the OP was making, is - as you rightly point out - none of us know who will be around in our later years, and she wants to mitigate against having no one left. I’m in my 50s and this has also been worrying me, but I’m aware you can’t plan for something that may or may not happen, with no specific time-frame. The best solution I can come up with, is to keep an eye on retirement living options, and be aware that we are an aging population, so that by the time I (and most definitely the OP) and older, there should be lots of similar people around.

Exactly. Thank you for understanding and sending you my best wishes for the future.

I've had several colleagues in this position or similar. 2 chose to move to over 55s communities. One had lived in a housing association flat that was being redeveloped. She was literally 55, so the youngest but it wasn't an especially old community. The other was over 60 and has chosen to live somewhere that he is the youngest by more than 10 years. Both retired mid 60s.

Another colleague lived independently in a nice village on the bus route into town then moved to assisted living in her mid seventies.

I'm inclined to think I'd find moving to over 55 place in my 60s to be too young. Over 70 you'd be more likely to have people your own age to talk to

Thank you. Yes, I think retirement accommodation is the best plan. I just worry about what happens if you deteriorate and need more help than can be offered there. Who coordinates the move to a care home? I know there are some places that have different levels of care all on one site (continuing care communities) but they seem few and far between at the moment, and also massively expensive. I will probably be in the position of being fortunate enough to afford to live in one, but it's a bit borderline and not guaranteed.

It's just so scary to think of being all alone, vulnerable and having no practical or emotional support. 😞

@Strawberriesandpearsif you have enough money, most problems can be overcome.
you can make a living will in advance about your wishes if you were incapable of making decisions for yourself. The only thing is I am unsure who will ensure your wishes are carried out if you don’t have anyone to look out for you …. Even to notice your deterioration.

Thank you. Yes, that is part of what terrifies me - deteriorating alone with nobody to care. Although I know in the retirement village I have my eye on, you have a monthly assessment of your needs.

I really am so scared of what will become of me. Absolutely paralysed by fear.

OP, your fear is not normal - you need some help now. Maybe see your GP?

I mean, you might die in your bed tonight. Or you might go on a round the world trip with your latest toyboy at the age of 70. Who knows? As I've said already, being alone is not a bad thing, but somehow you have got into this negative mindset that is ruining your youth.

None of us knows what the future holds, so there is absolutely no point in worrying about it. Any of it.