Is my brother being unreasonabe?

[Depends]

Me and my brother are in our 40s, mum is 83. Dad is same age and lives alone nearby as they divorced years ago. Mum has osteoarthritis which has worsened recently and now needs help from carers.

Brother lives with mum and has done his whole life. He works full time on a permanent contract and has paid leave. He has no children. The mortgage was paid by my mum and bills are mainly covered by her pension. He pays for Sky and I expect he contributes to household expenses.

I live 200 miles away, and am a lone parent to 2 daughters age 19-24, with mental health needs, one undergoing diagnosis for endometriosis/PCOS. Daughters are students. I work full time on an agency contact so have no paid leave. Mainly WFH but some office days. I am responsible for all our rent, bills and living expenses.

My brother has always been the golden child to my mum and I was the scapegoat, although it wasn't as bad for me as some stories I've read on Mumsnet! Still, I left home at 18 for university and never went back. I avoid my brother as he's passive aggressive and condescending to me. He has no interest in or relationship with my daughters.

Anyway the issue is mum is now struggling with mobility, washing, dressing, some incontinence etc. She has always said she doesn't want to go in a care home.
My brother wants me to go and stay there and WFH to help him with her personal care. He has a holiday booked next month and wants me to stay then for 8 days. She has private carers, a care package from adult social care and my dad visits daily.
Brother sends me stressed, ranty messages saying he can't cope and needs help, and I need to come to see for myself.
I am actually planning to visit my mum for a few days this week and WFH there.
I don't really enjoy visiting due to the golden child dynamic and the way he talks to me, but hopefully he will be at work and I can avoid him.

Of course he shouldn't pay for it
His mother should be paying for overnight care as she will be paying for other care (if she qualifies for funded care then it should be funded overnight as well if needed)

I'm afraid your mums wants at the end of her life don't trump everybody else's in the prime of hers. Do you mean wants in the prime of life should be given more weight than wants at the end of life?

I don’t think he’s unreasonable asking for support and in your situation I would see if I could organise time off for the 8 days he is on holiday or wfh those days. Despite your poor relationship she is your mum too and it’s fair to offer him support as he sounds like he’s struggling right now.

But long term, he will have to carry on coping or talk to your parent about going into a care home.

I'm sorry OP but I think your dislike of your brother is clouding all of this. Caring for an elderly parents can be soul destroying and overwhelming, even with daily carers coming in - trust me I have been there.

He may have stayed living at home for his own financial reasons, but so what - you could have presumably stayed too and had an easier time of it, but you preferred your independence, which is commendable. But I don't see why you think that means he somehow deserves to take everything on now?

If you don't want to help, fair enough, but he's not unreasonable to ask.
And by the way, many people care for parents at home in part to try and keep from having to sell the house to pay for care, you said yourself your mother doesn't want to go into a home.

OP, this stood out for me:

I work full time on an agency contact so have no paid leave

You 100% should be earning holiday pay. If you aren't, the agency is breaking employment law.

Your brother is carrying a heavy burden.

However that does not mean you need to pick it up.

Respite care in care homes for one or two weeks is available for exactly these situations. She can go into a home temporarily. (Both my grandparents went into homes temporarily while my parents took us on the family holiday).

Just because he believes that if he does the caring he will manage to "save" the house does not mean you need to get involved.

Yes. If the wants of the latter are detrimental to those of the former.

I am eternally grateful to be the 'child' who lives two hours away. I wouldn't be in my brother's shoes for quids. Even though he lives in a house owned by my mum that he doesn't pay rent on.

The fact that he's only five minutes away from her and her needs (she's in an extra care flat) makes it not remotely a bargain or an advantage. I much prefer having had to pay for my own home, but not being at her beck and call for decades.

Ask yourself, would you swap with him? You can't even face eight days being responsible for her.

Your brother must have saved a fortune over the years, being mid 40's, always having lived with parents, and only paying only for Sky and a bit of keep.

He can put his hand in his pocket and pay for extra carers visits while he swans off on his holiday.

YABU

How does moving your dad in affect deprivation of assets ? Is it because if a person over pension age lives there the house can't be sold ? I'm not sure this is going to wash with the local authority if they have been divorced for years !! Quite unbelievable that anyone would think they could do this.

Is this universal? If an elderly person and someone in the prime of life wishes to take the only seat. it should go to the person in the prime of their life?

MereDintofPandiculation - I see your point. Deciding who gets a seat and being told you need to be 200 miles away from your family to care for an elderly relative are indeed exactly the same thing.

I’ve only read half the thread OP, but if you are the scapegoat, that obviously changes matters? Obviously there must be bigger backstory here and really, it depends on that. Only you know that obviously. So I don’t know what I would advise. But if you are the scapegoat, as I understand it, I don’t really see how you owe anybody anything.

Further to my earlier post about me being the one who's a couple of hours away, and my brother being the one with the local burden... I absolutely do step up when he goes on holiday. In fact I actively encourage him to get away when he can, and to block her number while he's away

Him living in a house she owns without having to pay rent or mortgage is not an issue for me. Like I said, I wouldn't swap for all the tea in China.

I’m not expressing a view, merely exploring whether there’s ever a point at which the older person’s wants have parity. I’m responding originally to “I'm afraid your mums wants at the end of her life don't trump everybody else's in the prime of hers”
In other words, not “it’s quite unreasonable to expect someone to sacrifice the time and money to drive 200 miles to assuage her need for company” but an argument based on age alone.

The follow up “Yes. If the wants of the latter are detrimental to those of the former.” made the point more clearly - if there’s a conflict of wants, one person’s wants are detrimental to the other, then it’s the younger person whose wants should be satisfied.

I think that’s overly picky, @MereDintofPandiculation - this isn’t a general “getting older” thread but is specifically about a situation where adult kids are living or staying with elderly parents to provide support. I think all posts should be seen in that life-affecting light, rather than the reductio ad absurdium of taking them to mean “don’t even give up your seat on the bus” or whatever.

Sorry, I shouldn't have hijacked the thread, Just trying to get to grips with the belief that I've seen expressed widely that older people's wellbeing is inherently less important than younger people's. I don't believe that one person should sacrifice their health and wellbeing for another, and have always argued the same on this board. But that's not because I believe an old person's happiness is less important than a younger person's, and I find it hard to understand that belief.

Tell him to pay for carers.

It's hard looking after someone, my mum was happy for us to help with domestic chores but would never want personal care other than an occasional hairwash or emergency clean up,, if op mum can afford it there's no reason the private care cannot be increased. There's no reason why brother or op need to be doing personal care, especially if mum is uncomfortable with it.

Temporary respite in a care home is available and exactly for situations where the main carer needs a holiday. Could you look into this for your DM?

I'm not taking about personal intimate care. He's never needed to do that. But her general needs and demands are unrelenting and have been for a couple of decades now.

@Depends You live in social housing I assume your tenancy agreement like many others stipulates that you have to actually live there. 8 days wouldnt be a problem but longer lengths of time probably would be, A lot of people with absolutely NO EXPERIENCE of living in social housing like your brother will not realize this. I had to explain this YET AGAIN on another thread asking why people cant do live in fruit picking jobs and this is what i wrote but living away to care could be risky too.

"a. Fruit picking veg picking etc a lot of which is LIVE IN work. If you rent social housing you have to actually fucking well live there. You are not allowed to live away from home for the length of time these employers want you to. If you want that you will need to give SH tenants more rights! But that would also mean giving them more rights to leave their home for other reasons

b. Gas safety checks fire door checks electric checks Surveys My tenancy agreement says i have to be home for these and no i cant get a friend or neighbour to do it for me.

c. the hatred there is for SH tenants ensures that some busybody would probably report the flat as abandoned if a tenant were to risk their tenancy by taking this job.

d. i have mentioned SH tenants because they will be the most likely group expected to take these jobs yet their hands are tied and they cant And even if they wont perhaps they want a life after the working day (just like home owners have You know the ones who arent expected to do these jobs instead of sharing a berth with a stranger"

There is a vibe of your brother wanting it both ways: most likely no rent / mortgage but not wanting to fund carers or the house to be sold for care. Isn't including you in the loop about her assessments but wanting more care / input (on what grounds?). He won’t be worrying about a £100 per week increase in a mortgage, like lm doing and a lot of other people are with rent / mortgages! He's sitting pretty in a paid for house. I'm amused about his planned ruse to move your dad in. Personally l wouldn't knock myself out, with the back story then l might go for the weekend

People seem to conflating wants and needs.