Is my brother being unreasonabe?

[Depends]

Me and my brother are in our 40s, mum is 83. Dad is same age and lives alone nearby as they divorced years ago. Mum has osteoarthritis which has worsened recently and now needs help from carers.

Brother lives with mum and has done his whole life. He works full time on a permanent contract and has paid leave. He has no children. The mortgage was paid by my mum and bills are mainly covered by her pension. He pays for Sky and I expect he contributes to household expenses.

I live 200 miles away, and am a lone parent to 2 daughters age 19-24, with mental health needs, one undergoing diagnosis for endometriosis/PCOS. Daughters are students. I work full time on an agency contact so have no paid leave. Mainly WFH but some office days. I am responsible for all our rent, bills and living expenses.

My brother has always been the golden child to my mum and I was the scapegoat, although it wasn't as bad for me as some stories I've read on Mumsnet! Still, I left home at 18 for university and never went back. I avoid my brother as he's passive aggressive and condescending to me. He has no interest in or relationship with my daughters.

Anyway the issue is mum is now struggling with mobility, washing, dressing, some incontinence etc. She has always said she doesn't want to go in a care home.
My brother wants me to go and stay there and WFH to help him with her personal care. He has a holiday booked next month and wants me to stay then for 8 days. She has private carers, a care package from adult social care and my dad visits daily.
Brother sends me stressed, ranty messages saying he can't cope and needs help, and I need to come to see for myself.
I am actually planning to visit my mum for a few days this week and WFH there.
I don't really enjoy visiting due to the golden child dynamic and the way he talks to me, but hopefully he will be at work and I can avoid him.

he is asking for help it's honestly up to you if you want to give it or not, the fact that hes the favourite is here nor there BTW I get that golden child thing it is difficult, anyway if you go when he's on holiday you won't have to deal with him.

I don't think he is being unreasonable asking for support.

It’s hard work being a carer. Until you have lived in his shoes you can’t judge him for struggling even then you can’t judge him.

No he is not unreasonable

If just the 8 days do it and see how it goes for this time. If he means permanently then say no and if the care she has now isn't working then she will need to consider residential care.

If its the 8 days and they ask again in future but the 9 days was too kuchen yiu can say no then.

There are so many examples on these board of the golden child who lives hundreds of miles away and does nothing at all for their ageing parents. At least your brother is actually living with your Mum, even with the level of daily support she receives, don't underestimate the daily toll of being a carer.

I can understand why he is struggling and is asking for help, but in many ways there are consequences to him (and your mum) having alienated you over the years. I can understand your reluctance.

How extensive and adequate is your mum's care package? Perhaps that needs to be looked at. Has there been any proper assessment of her needs?

I don't know what the answer is otherwise. I'd be as reluctant as you are. That said, I did go through some of the carer role when my Dad was very ill towards the end of his life. It was hell on earth even with a care package. I can't overstated how bad it was.

When you do visit you will probably see some of what your brother is going through and it won't be easy.

I'm sorry you are in this position.

If her needs have changed she needs more care or a carehome. If she already has a care package and private carers what help does your brother have to give. If he is giving personal care and wants you to do that then she needs a care needs assessment. It's hard looking after someone, plus he is working, what does mum want, does she want you there, does she want personal care from either of you.

Adult social care did an assessment. My brother asked me to leave correspondence around this to him, but I have offered to help remotely with arranging carers/appointments/liaising with professionals. He wants in-person help, however.
I think we could arrange extra care visits and am willing to pay. Mum likes the carers and enjoys the companionship.

Is he actually taking care of your DM or just still living in her home with carers going in? If it's he who is the main carer and point of contact, arranging and managing the care package then maybe he's just asking you to provide short term support when he's not going to be there. If you want to provide this support or not that's up to you. It's also OK not to be able to do this and instead up the care package.

some care homes have the option of booking in for a week or two for respite, could he explore that?

I would not readily go either given also how your mother has treated you previously.

Why is your brother insisting on in person help?. If you go for 8 days (and I also note you do not get any paid leave yourself) what happens after you go home?. Your brother cannot expect you to go back and forth there indefinitely and you have a life of your own to lead. Has he also got an eye on the house, does he really regard this as his own now?. This may be also why he wants more in person help.

Extra carers will cost and both of you should be in agreement as to who pays, it should not be your sole burden.

What help does she actually need, has she got all the equipment, adaptations, continence services, community nurses. Do you know what he has to do or wants you to do. Respite like pp says might be a better option.

Social care is rarely adequate. Fil got 4 x 30 minute visits per day - hardly enough to help him with hygiene let alone prepare meals. Your brother is providing company throughout the day. Don't underestimate what he does, it sounds easy but it can be soul destroying! We have just been through ourselves. Would your mum be alone most of the day and night when he goes away?

I would also look at respite care and the current level of care package. You going there for 8 days is not going to be of any real benefit in the long run.

Thanks for everyone's responses - will try to reply to questions in one go:

-Mum would like me to visit for companionship and think she would be happy for me to do personal care.
-She is waiting for OT visit this week to see which equipment and adaptations are needed.
-I think he wants help with personal care, so changing wet/soiled beds, incontinence pads etc as mum understandably feels it's awkward if her son is doing it.
-He has lived in the house since mid teens and is worried about losing the house. Mum has left us half each in her will. His plan is to move my dad in if mum has to go into care home.
-We both have POA for mum.
-He is at work in the day, but sometimes on call (environment maintenance related) so may be at home. Carers are around in the day, my dad pops over as does a friend of mums. She would be alone at night while he is away.
-Private carers come in the morning but she may wake with a wet bed before they arrive. I don't know if this is due to the UTI which she is on antibiotics for.
-I don't know if assessment has been completed, but he has told me about care package, will be 3 visits a day, 1 hour in morning, 30 minutes at lunch and bedtime. Will ask social care about continence nurse.

My brother has lived with my mum his whole life and she has been happy to do cooking, laundry, and cleaning over the years, although he does sometimes help. I don't know if he gives her 'keep' money. Now she is the one who needs looking after, I kind of feel he should do more, as she's looked after him, and I have my own children. My daughters have chosen to go low/no contact with them as they feel uncomfortable with the golden child/scapegoat dynamic they have observed between brother and me.
Brother is overbearing, sarcastic to me.
I don't know if he's aware he's mums favourite.
He arranged for mum to host a female Ukrainian refugee in spare room, he had known her since 2019, and was his on/off girlfriend. Anyway mum wasn't happy with this after a while, but didn't want to upset my brother. She moved out last year but brother still very close.

I'm afraid your mums wants at the end of her life don't trump everybody else's in the prime of hers.
She'd really let you stay with her changing pads and wet sheets?! With no paid leave? Blimey. Your anger and frustration is misplaced.
Your brother has chosen to live there all these years with obvious mutual benefit. He has no right to now dictate your choices. If she can't cope alone and he can't cope going forward a care home for respite (with a view to long term care) is the only realistic and sensible option. That's what her money is for, including the sale of the house if need be.
Unfortunately there comes a point where needs outweigh wants and your DM is seemingly almost there.

that still doesn't answer if you want to help your mum or not ? your brother doesn't sound like he likes you that much he sounds indulged and spoiled and your mum might feel intimidated by him he has never moved out so he is her main source of companionship. I don't think anybody can advise you what to do but it doesn't sound like you want to look after her and using your brother as a reason.

The OP chose to make 200 miles away - she absented herself, they didn’t alienate her!

Maybe the compromise is to go down for a weekend?

Sorry but you are deflecting responsibility and being unreasonable. The fact your brother lives there is enabling her to stay in her own home and you to live your own life hundred of miles away. Him going on holiday for 8 days isn’t much of an ask. Can guarantee you if a carer comes in to a wet bed they won’t be changing it.

@Mrsjayy
Think you're right there!
I don't mind visiting and WFH for a few days, but I would prefer not to commit to stay while brother is away. May need to take daughter to appointments, go into work etc. Also worried about responsibility if mum gets worse. I'd prefer to pay extra for carers.

Couple of things that stand out for me.
Wait for ot and physio assessments. She may need equipment, bed, commode, rails, bath aids. You need to confirm if the assessment is completed, when it starts, what they will be doing. Some equipment needs training on how to use it.
The continence nurses need to be involved if she is wearing pads, is incontinent, maybe has a uti. Her skin is also at risk. The council offer a pad disposal service.
If mum has finances she may well end up paying for more private care or a carehome. If she is at risk overnight she could pay for a private night carer.
Does dad have the right to live in the house, who owns the house, he can't just move back in . The house may need to be sold to pay for care.
What sort of poa do you both have, is it all joint attorneys
Does mum gave capacity to make her own decisions.
He needs to accept there may be no house or money if mum goes into a carehome. Is he keeping her at home to avoid losing the house.

If your dm goes into a care home her house will need to be sold to pay for it - unless she has an income of around 4K a month! So your DB won’t be able to stay in the house. He needs to know this. If she does see him as the golden child, that’s not his fault yet you seem to be blaming him.
The fact that your DM was happy to do the housekeeping for your brother is neither here nor there. She is his parent, that’s what some parents do. It doesn’t mean he has to now care for her.
Your brother is struggling, you are miles away so have little idea of the reality of looking after an elderly parent. I suggest you go down for a few days if possible and see for yourself the reality of the situation. Then you can make an informed decision.

The carers should change a wet b3d, why wouldn't they. Private carers can do what you request within reason like laundry
I imagine him living there is of mutual benefit