Is my brother being unreasonabe?

[Depends]

Me and my brother are in our 40s, mum is 83. Dad is same age and lives alone nearby as they divorced years ago. Mum has osteoarthritis which has worsened recently and now needs help from carers.

Brother lives with mum and has done his whole life. He works full time on a permanent contract and has paid leave. He has no children. The mortgage was paid by my mum and bills are mainly covered by her pension. He pays for Sky and I expect he contributes to household expenses.

I live 200 miles away, and am a lone parent to 2 daughters age 19-24, with mental health needs, one undergoing diagnosis for endometriosis/PCOS. Daughters are students. I work full time on an agency contact so have no paid leave. Mainly WFH but some office days. I am responsible for all our rent, bills and living expenses.

My brother has always been the golden child to my mum and I was the scapegoat, although it wasn't as bad for me as some stories I've read on Mumsnet! Still, I left home at 18 for university and never went back. I avoid my brother as he's passive aggressive and condescending to me. He has no interest in or relationship with my daughters.

Anyway the issue is mum is now struggling with mobility, washing, dressing, some incontinence etc. She has always said she doesn't want to go in a care home.
My brother wants me to go and stay there and WFH to help him with her personal care. He has a holiday booked next month and wants me to stay then for 8 days. She has private carers, a care package from adult social care and my dad visits daily.
Brother sends me stressed, ranty messages saying he can't cope and needs help, and I need to come to see for myself.
I am actually planning to visit my mum for a few days this week and WFH there.
I don't really enjoy visiting due to the golden child dynamic and the way he talks to me, but hopefully he will be at work and I can avoid him.

can't you just do that maybe a night carer if you don't want to be changing pads or washing or whatever then that's fine you don't have to but I think you need to seperate the feelings towards your brother than the care for your mum, if he is struggling then you need to come .up with a plan.

That's not quite right.
At the age of 18 I got into my second choice university in London, 200 miles from home. It is now 30 years later and I'm still there. I'm still there because I became statutory homeless from rented accommodation when I had my first baby while in graduate job and now live in social housing.

Because of the golden child/scapegoat dynamic I couldn't bear to go back and was also on maternity leave from my London job.

It sounds very difficult. Your brother chose to live there rather than move out. This decision is not necessarily born from a desire to help and be with your mum. Why doesn't dad live there?

Can you bring your mum to your house for a few days? If you can look after her for the 8 days then you should so your brother can have a holiday. I think you will probably need to have a potentially difficult conversation with your brother about the future. His living there has meant you have not had to face the issue of your mum's care needs. You can't expect this to continue forever. You should be clear about what you can offer and be involved in discussions about what is needed. It will mean more outside care and potentially use of the money tied up in the house. You also need to think hard about how you will feel if house is left solely to your brother which is a distinct possibility.

Imagine your brother didn't live there. What would you do? What would he do?

Parent experience - comes under cleaning, laundry & hazardous waste apparently which isn’t covered by a carer although they will log as an incident & you will get notified…..

I think you need to separate your relationship with your brother to both focus on mum needs, wait for the assessments, neither of you need to be doing anything if you don't want to, you staying a few days or a week won't really make any difference other than give him a break but the situation won't change once he's back unless the care is increased or she moves to a carehome.

Maybe different areas have different rules. Our council funded carers change the bed, put the wash on , hang it out, dispose of pads.

For 8 days while he gets away? No, he isn’t being unreasonable for asking. I’m sure it’s pretty stressful living full time with an ill, elderly parent. Yes, he’s had it easy financially but possibly not emotionally.

You’re not unreasonable to say you can’t though, either.

Sounds like residential care is the best option. No, she doesn’t want it but if this continues she’s putting unreasonable pressure on you both. We wont be burdening our kids, that’s not why we had them.

It's entirely up to you if you choose to support your mum when she needs it but your brother is also entirely reasonable to say he can't cope and ask for you to step up so he can have a break. He's not asking you to take over, he's just asking for a week's respite.
Don't underestimate how totally exhausting, soul-destroying and all consuming being a carer for a loved one can be. Your brother is asking for your emotional support for your mum not just financial, and it's fair enough to ask you (as someone who presumably also has your mum's best interests at heart). As I say, also fair enough for you not to give it if you dont have the emotional strength or connection with your mum to feel able.
But don't mix your resentment against your brother for the golden child dynamic confuse your feelings about whether or not you are able to be there for your mum.

This is informative, thanks!

My brother asked me to leave liaising with adult social care to him, as I don't live there. But I think I will contact them to press for clarification around OT, physio and incontinence nurse.
The house is mums, she bought it after she divorced my dad in the 90s.
Mum has full mental capacity, and arranged joint POA for me and my brother several years ago.
My brother is worried about losing the house if she has to go into a care home. Hence he wants me to help with her care.
He has looked at deprivation of assets rules and believes he can negate these by moving my dad in if it comes to it.

Its really hard being in a live in carer even with support. He's not unreasonable to want a break.

If you really can't go for the 8 days can you organise alternative care for her? If I was you I'd try and go for the 8 days it will give you a chance to see what's happening so you are clearer about what your Mum needs now and in the future.

Well that's a different concern then. It's her house, not dad's or brothers so he can't move dad in or stay there if she dies and the will states its left to you both unless he buys you out, is this all about him keeping the house and not paying tax rather than mum's well being. Do you both have financial and health poa. I may be talking bollix and am not a lawyer but the priority is mum is getting the right care, not him living in the house ,

op I don't want to quote the whole post but I definitely think you should be in the loop with her care at least being copied into any emails as a standard so you know what's going on.

I don't see how moving your dad in can negate deprivation of assets rules. It's not a marital home, your parents are no longer married so the rules applicable to spouses don't apply here.

It's hard to see a home being sold to pay for care but it's your mum's asset and that's what may well have to happen. Your brother could have saved up a substantial deposit in the years he's lived with your mum and bought his own property but has chosen not to.

Whilst it's reasonable for him to ask you to provide respite from time to time it's not reasonable for him to rope you in solely to preserve his inheritance.

As I said, you chose it. You had a choice when you graduated - get a job near the family home or get a job where you went to Uni. It’s ok to make either choice BTW - I’m not criticising you for it.

My brother is worried about losing the house if she has to go into a care home. Hence he wants me to help with her care.
He has looked at deprivation of assets rules and believes he can negate these by moving my dad in if it comes to it

Then he's misinformed. The only way that your DM MAY be able to avoid deprivation of assets rules is if she makes the house tenants in common with your brother and he buys half of the house now, but even that might be too late as she already has high needs that are well documented. An alternative would be for the LA to put a charge against the house to be payable when she eventually dies. The problem with this is that it will incur interest and the house WILL have to be sold upon her death.
It looks doubtful that either of you will see any money from the house.
Send these to your DB
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs10_paying_for_permanent_residential_care_fcs.pdf
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs40_deprivation_of_assets_in_social_care_fcs.pdf

Maybe he thinks that by moving dad in then the house won't get sold and he can stay living there looking after dad because there is a vulnerable elderly person living there, either way dad can't just move in, it's not dB house and mum would be foolish to let that happen. He already persuaded her to let a woman move in so mum and op need to be careful she's not being co erced or manipulated.

As others have said, DBro cannot stop the house being sold to pay for care by moving someone else in. If your mum and dad still owned it jointly then that would be different, but your dad would just be a (non-paying?) tenant!

When you go next week you can see how things are. Maybe discuss organising more frequently carer visits. If your brother is living at home and supporting your Mum a lot I don't think it's unreasonable he wants a holiday and for you to help for 8 days if you can work from home. He won't be there so what's the issue? Forget the golden child and just remember this is your Mum. She won't be there forever. No one is asking you to do full time care. It's just 8 days to give your brother a break. Your DC are adults now. They go to Uni so I'm sure they can manage for 8 days.

As an adult your DD can get herself to her appointment or reschedule or take a friend with her. It sounds like you are making an excuse not to have to go to help your Mum.

Your brother probably wants a break - it's tough being a carer every single day.

That doesn't mean that you have to provide him with the break, although it could well be worth going to see what the situation actually is. And I'd be insisting on getting copied into correspondence about care and medical issues.

Can you actually go and visit whilst WFH? My work insists you can't WFH and be responsible for an elderly person or a young child, so I wouldn't be able to do that.

You could suggest respite care to him? Maybe see what the physio and OT recommend? It is tough being the 24/7 person around, even with carers coming in so he should get a break.

Brother arranges live in overnight help while he is on holiday. simple.
he pays for it, as mother has provided him with a roof over his head all his life, and he works full time.
Paying for someone overnight for 8 nights to not going to bankrupt him.

You do not get involved as you do not live there.

Will dad be selling his house and giving the proceeds to you ? if brother moves him into mum's house ?
as brother is only entitled to 50% of mum's house...

Yabu

Hes caring for her full time. He wants to go on holiday and has asked you to step up and work from home which you are able to. Your children are adults
Your mum is both of your responsibilities yes she has the carers which will ease both of your issues but come on this has nothing to do with your relationship with your brother or what he pays for .. this is your mum

I think you are being the unreasonable one here, sorry. If your brother provides care it is not too much to ask you to do the same for one week while he’s away. Your children are adults and are not relevant to this.

As long as he is doing the caring for the right reasons and not to protect his inheritance, live rent free foreverb or move dad in thinking she doesn't need to sell the house to pay for her care .