🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

She already is on heart and anti water retention medication, I’m hoping they can be tweaked. The pneumonia- and the cellulitis- had a really detrimental effect. At the time DM took warfarin and wouldn’t admit to needing more antibiotics to treat the infections as it interfered with her INR results, so instead she’s been left with permanent damage.
Did I mention she is very stubborn and sets her own agenda!
Last year she decided she wanted to live to 91 and I found myself saying that I was the one trying to get her there despite her best efforts!

@Okitsme you can only do what you can do. And we all understand the fear.🌺🌺. Try and find ways to sustain yourself- we often say on here we don’t know if it’s a marathon or a sprint. Your dm sounds v strong. You’ve inherited that too I expect.

Me too. My great aunt died in the garden at 88, planting out bedding plants on a lovely day in May.

Until recently I’d been trying to stop DM going upstairs in her house or down to the bottom of her garden because she’s so unsteady that I was terrified she’d fall. However after a chat with the community physio who came out to assess her (after she fell in the front garden and fractured a vertebra). I’ve changed my mind. His approach was that these are very good things for her to be doing - using muscles and keeping her mentally occupied.

I am when push comes to shove but boy can I catastrophise when I don’t know the full story! (Also inherited from DM!)

One of the mantras from the long running cancer support threads( like others here I’m resident there too) is “ Don’t borrow tomorrows sorrows”
Planning for outcomes is sensible, but use whatever you can to stop those spiralling thoughts. Mindfulness, meditation, late night audiobooks, whatever works for you.

This was the mindset of my son’s mother in law, in fact the whole family and I am trying very hard to adopt it. I had a sinus infection throughout January and that battered my defences a bit plus a couple of bodyblows from other directions. I’ve used February to try and restart some self care but I have felt so alone and a bit powerless. This morning, having found this community, I feel so much stronger.
Thank you for your support and listening. I hope I can do the same for others.

These threads have been a lifeline for so many of us in really dark days. Grab a seat, gin and cake, and feel free to vent/ ask. Someone on here will have something sensible to say or offer more cake.

Completely agree with "don't borrow tomorrow's sorrows". My Mum got her Alzheimer's diagnosis last week. I found it really hard, especially as we have literally just lost my FIL to Alzheimer's so I feel I know the story. I went on a bit of a downer about what the future will be like for my Mum and also for me. There were a lot of "it's not fair!" involved.

I am planning regarding different scenarios (no planning with FIL so everything happened at crisis point). I have a spreadsheet I have made with foreseeable future events and solutions, including care homes etc.

But I am really trying to take each day at a time. FILs illness isn't necessarily a blue print for Mum's. I don't know what's around the corner. Mum is ok for now and I have made helpful amendments for now.

Basically, in the words of the saying, I am trying to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

In case it helps anyone else, in the last 24 hours I’ve learned that reablement care - NHS six week package - can be provided even if you haven’t been in hospital.

It would have been great to know this during the multiple DF crises of 2023 (all of which should really have triggered this).

And I love “don’t borrow tomorrow’s sorrows” too. 2023 was the year of dread and it was exhausting. I’m not quite ready to be optimistic yet but the rollercoaster is currently a tamer ride.

Some wise advice on here as usual. When my DSis first realised how much our DM was struggling with mobility she got in a panic about care and how to help DF manage. I told her she didn’t need to plan a year in advance, I looked up some care companies for reassurance, and luckily my parents can afford it. I like that saying and it is true in life - trying not to worry about it, it may never happen and if it does you will find a way. I learned this with DD who was GOSH patient and has immune problems. will never stop worrying but have to try very hard too!

I had a minor breakthrough with DM this week as she agreed she would like a walking frame in the house ‘just in case’. Also DF has organised her an appointment with someone else (one of many) to review her mobility, and she is asking DF to get the wrist ‘watch’ fall alarm. I gave DF the links 4 months ago! I don’t know why he hasn’t followed up, DM fell this week and DF couldn’t help her up 🙁. We are 3 hours away so no help, I think she eventually managed it herself, but she needs that falls alarm asap. I am concerned that DF won’t admit she isn’t going to improve so is refusing to give in to ordering it. I will talk to siblings tomorrow.

DH will visit his DM this weekend, I expect she will be asleep.

Usual typos 😁

@FiveFoxes I think that it's good to know as much as you can and plan for all eventualities, but we never know how things will unfold so there's a need to be flexible. Also to recognise that with frail very elderly people each next solution will last for only a short period of time, before there is another change. So yes to getting in care, for putting in grab rails, for making daily living easier and safer. But think long and hard about long term expensive structural building changes, or disruptive house moves.

Hi all, I have a very complex matter that I'm dealing with regarding a property trust. I'm having serious issues with the company and struggling to get support. One of my questions is where to get support if a company is not respecting power of attorney. I also need to find a professional trustee and struggling with that as well. Any ideas?

@Newmum738 can I suggest you start a thread in legal? Some real experts who are unlikely to venture into the caff.

@Newmum738 You could start with ringing the Office of Public Guardian helpline 0300 456 0300 I think.

@Juneday I've found it takes ages for them to consider adding in something new, even if it's relatively simple and doesn't require installing something! Even if you send links or do the research for them. Perhaps related to not wanting to recognise that it represents a further step towards needing more help?

It took over a year from first suggesting it to mine getting a key safe. And there were stages of denial (why would I need one of those), it would put people out (who would have a key), it's not secure (anyone could get in!), it's too difficult (finding someone to install it).

The turning point was a friend having to have the door broken down to be rescued by paramedics because they didn't have a keysafe. Whereupon relative assumes position of superiority on all things keysafe and starts berating the friend for not thinking about getting one!

So if you know one of their friends already has whatever it is, that can be a big step towards getting it!

Good idea. Thanks!

This time on Monday I will be in Venice with DH. I CANT WAIT.
today is busy, it's our local music festival and Dd and I have family music tonight, she has flute this afternoon then I am rather ill advisedly doing a recital class on Friday night which I am a bit concerned about as I'm playing with a load of brilliant 18 year olds 😂. Hopefully I can just make it to the end of my pieces without having a breakdown haha
im playing 3 pieces by African American female composers which are just gorgeous and I didn't realise until yesterday that it's actually international women's day so works perfectly with my theme !
dd did her piano yesterday which she wasn't really well prepared for, started at breakneck speed on her Schumann Wild Horseman piece and had a complete breakdown in the middle. Bless her she finished it but then inconsolably cried for 20 minutes. Which may well be me on Friday but I'm definitely not expecting to win !

Brilliant StiffyByngs!
That sounds a lot like our life, except that I'm completely unmusical and can't keep up with DD and DH!

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew good luck with the recital, I am sure the 18 year olds will be willing you on, lovely to hear about talented musicians, and have a fab time in Venice.

I heard one of the 18yos playing Clair de Lune tonight. Suffice to say I shan't be clearing a space for any silverware 🤣

The turning point was a friend having to have the door broken down to be rescued by paramedics because they didn't have a keysafe. Whereupon relative assumes position of superiority on all things keysafe and starts berating the friend for not thinking about getting one!

My parents have a keysafe but I have lost times of the amount of times I've had to remind mum not to leave her key in the back of the door. Practically every time I visit she's done it again so I suspect that one day they will have to break the door down regardless.

They’re tipping DH out of hospital this morning, neatly coinciding with a CHC meeting for Dad. No, I don’t have anyone else who can collect DH. Yes, I do want to go to CHC meeting because it’s an unparalleled opportunity to get a full picture of Dad’s medical needs.

@MereDintofPandiculation isn't that always the way. Are you getting the complete standard incompression that you can't be in 2 places at once?