🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Can your DH wait in the hospital coffee shop until you're able to pick him up?

Oh, God, @MereDintofPandiculation , exactly what you don't need. It's getting on for late morning now, so I imagine the choice has been made one way or another, but hanging around twiddling your thumbs and waiting for your DH to be officially discharged while the CHC meeting goes on elsewhere...I want to scream just thinking about it.

@MereDintofPandiculation hope you managed to magic a way to get to both. Sorry to hear your dh has been in hospital- how is he doing?

It all went remarkably easily. I went to the CHC meeting, not because I thought we had a dog’s chance of getting it, but because it’s a useful way to catch up with his condition. Meanwhile DH was in a comfy chair in the unit being offered sandwiches, and was handed over to me (like picking up a primary school kid) at lunchtime.

They were doing their safeguarding seriously. After “who is picking you up? Have got anyone at home with you?” they asked “are you frightened of anyone at home? Is anyone bullying you?” DH said “yes, three cats”, the guy before him said “yes, I’ve a 10 year old daughter”. I bet they were thinking “it’s going to be a long day”.

All the staff at the nursing home were dressed up for Book Day. All very bright and cheerful.

@thesandwich Thanks, he’s doing well. Procedure seems to have worked, there were doubts yesterday evening, and he’s very much more cheerful.

@MereDintofPandiculation thats good news. Hope Dh continues to improve.

Glad it was all so seamless MereDint.

@MereDintofPandiculation glad it all worked out and made me smile about bullying cats, I have one of those, 3 would be impossible…. About 5 months ago an initial assessment for possible CHC to be investigated was started for MiL which DH attended virtually. Haven’t heard a thing and of course & she has deteriorated significantly since but I am not sure it’s worth chasing as it is such a slow process and rarely CHC is awarded. I might go back and look at criteria again sometime and ask what happened after that meeting many months ago. Even if nothing comes of it you have a good point re learning about current health and issues in more detail. MiL can’t eat solid food now, has low BP (again), sleeps a lot, shouts out & can be difficult when awake, has been & likely still on anti depressants, needs carers/nurses for all personal care…etc etc. . But as she has only small savings she isn’t paying huge costs herself, so in a way I don’t feel the need to chase - although that means LA local authority meet most of the bill not the local health Trust.

I imagine many who might be eligible don’t get it or know how to start the ball rolling, other families fight for it, or appeal a ‘no’, they learn the system, procedures and legal wording et, I admire them for doing so, it shouldn’t be so hard.

I talked to the assessor about the difficulty of getting CHC. She said it dated back to the 80’s and “Care in the community” - people who were in long term geriatric wards were moved into the community with CHC funding. So a good way of thinking if it is it’s for someone who has more needs than a nursing home would normally fulfil, someone who “ought” to be in hospital except there are no long term geriatric wards now.

Her view is it isn’t hard to get if you have the evidence. I think we were talking from different viewpoints, and I understand her viewpoint. When we say it’s hard to get, we mean it’s hard to qualify. No doubt if our parent was having night terrors and couldn’t be calmed, was striking out at staff, frequently falling, wouldn’t cooperate with washing or changing pads, was doubly incontinent, and had pressure sores bad enough to need a specialist tissue nurse called in, provided we had evidence of all that, it would go through smoothly. But most of our parents aren’t that bad. (The CHC tool is an eye opener in how bad someone can be but still be alive)

I'm beginning to think my DM is in an alternate reality to me. She's just been moaning about how, before the pandemic, she used to visit regularly, and I worked fewer hours then so we spent a lot of time together and it was lovely.

It was once or twice a year!

Every time I go to mum's she asks why I've come in the evening when I normally come Monday lunchtime. I work Monday to Friday. We went out for lunch on one bank holiday in 2021 when dad was in hospital and she couldn't visit so I was trying to distract her.

DS still tells of the long hours he spent in the boat fishing with his father. It was twice, and he got bored 5minutes after getting the rod out. But it is a very cherished memory of his.

@MereDintofPandiculation i think that is about the clearest way I have read about CHC eligibility. I had wondered about the geriatric wards, I also read that over 80s make up often the largest group in A&E which is not surprising.

DF rang me to say he had received the brochure on falls alarm that I organised (after DM asked me to). They will probably go ahead ‘but’ he says ‘we don’t actually need it’ - mum fell in the kitchen last week and couldn’t get up and DH too unsteady/bad back etc to help her - he also said they didn’t want a key safe…..

I explained even if a neighbour had a key it is useful for emergency services and their neighbours do go out quite a lot. Then DH said ‘but we can’t remember codes’ …. I said ‘don’t worry you don’ keep your own keys as usual’. Not sure when he said he read the brochure, he had quite understood…

DH nearly 87, has a shuffling walk and DM says ‘does such silly things’ but he thinks he is 20 years younger and finds DMs mobility issues annoying and won’t confront that she isn’t going to be playing tennis every week or drive again. So falls alarm is peace of mind 🤞.

The ‘falls alarm’ chapter, the period where my DSis and I finally shifted position of constantly worrying and running after DParents and took a step back…
Even falling twice on consecutive days and being uplifted by the same paramedic team DF still denied he needed a pendant. They told him if the call came in on Day 3 not to expect them.
Only after lying in the garden for 5 hours on a January afternoon/ evening did the penny drop. DM thought DF had gone to the hospital and not come back when in fact he’d been taking out the recycling…

Just want to share how amazing Alexa is! I don't live close to my mum but this means I can set alarms and reminders, drop-in to see what's going on or join meetings. This morning I've been able to set an alarm to wake her up and drop in to check she is moving. She has 2 devices - one with a screen in the living room and one without in the bedroom. It really is making a huge difference!

@Juneday I also read that over 80s make up often the largest group in A&E which is not surprising. Probably helped by Minor Injuries refusing to treat some things, eg head bumps, in the elderly.

@Juneday I am glad your parents are open to accepting the pendant. I think they can be really vital. My Mum still refuses the pendant. I got her a simple mobile phone with an emergency button but she doesn't carry it round so that's no help. She says she's not at the stage for a pendant yet despite living alone with Alzheimer's in her 80s!

@NewMum758 With Alexa, does your Mum have to do anything with it or is it completely controlled by you? Mum is afraid of technology but if she didn't need to do anything and I could control it from my end...

The pendants are great though when DM fell in the garden, she forgot to use it and eventually managed to crawl into the house. Three days later she was complaining about her hip and only then remembered to mention the fall.

She also managed to get the fire brigade out by pressing the emergency button on the phone instead of switching the smoke alarm off when she burned the toast and has set it off accidentally a few times turning over in bed.

I can vouch for the efficiency of the service in our area.

Mum can use it herself as she wants to and I have it registered to my phone so I can do anything she needs remotely. It's a total game changer ❤️

Good idea re Alexa. DPs do have Alexa set up so far my DM uses it to play The Proclaimers 500 miles rather loudly on repeat 😁 and DF for football scores. Definitely scope to do a lot more!

I had a call from the Dementia navigator today following Mum's diagnosis. What a waste of time! No help with anything - didn't even explain what Alzheimer's was- and basically made me feel a bit rubbish. She's going to email me some stuff. Apparently.

I am again frustrated with how little help you get with a life changing diagnosis. I'm ok- I am young and good with Google and have you lot. But there must be so many elderly spouses totally abandoned like my FILs wife was when he was diagnosed.

That's disappointing, @FiveFoxes . I've not come across a dementia navigator - is that someone from the clinic? You'd think explaining the diagnosis would be a fundamental first step.

I'm not entirely sure as she didn't really introduce herself! Yes, I thought I was being referred to someone who was going to have a meeting with me and explain about Alzheimer's, the progression and prognosis. I did kind of know that you don't get anything helpful like that really, but the memory clinic nurse implied that was what was going to happen.

Oh joy.

My stepdad was in a race between dementia and heart failure. Now it seems that cancer has also thrown its hat into the ring.

Oh dear @NoBinturongsHereMate . What kind of prognosis is it?