🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@Feckedupbundle so sorry for your loss.

Hi all... Well, the diagnosis of dementia is now 'official'
Mum has stated no scans, further assessments or 'treatment'
Community mental health team has referred to Adult Social Care for a reassessment, no time frame given as to how long that will take.

Meanwhile, dad has become doubly incontinent, still insists he is coping fine, has decided mum is a 'bit ill' because she's still absolutely foul to him every day..

Still no idea where we go from here, at the rate they are going my mum will have hit dad a few more times before they actually do anything...

Community mental health team discovered that their social worker left in November, apparently all the multiple agencies involved due to my dad having very complex health needs don't actually talk to each other!

@PanettonePudding If they both have capacity, then maybe look at how their property is owned. Is it joint ownership or tenants in common?

As I understand (from PIL's situation) if it is jointly owned then the whole value automatically passes to the spouse if one of them dies. So FIL in care, MIL dies and the whole value of the home can be used against the cost of his care. If they are both in care homes the house becomes a liquid asset and changes the inheritance tax threshold.

If the house is owned as tenants in common, the person who dies could (if they choose to do so in their will) leave their portion to other family members.

@Feckedupbundle so sorry that must be an awful shock for you all

@Feckedupbundle sorry for your loss. That was probably a “good” way to go compared to some on here but it won’t make you feel any better. Sounds like you have lots of happy memories to sustain you.

@Feckedupbundle Sympathy and hugs to you 💐.

@Lightuptheroom good to get the official diagnosis but clearly not much help (yet🤞). The lack of communication between the various ‘agencies’ is shocking, it causes delays and confusion. I had one department telling me MIL couldn’t have blue badge, whilst at the same time OT was getting falls matt, telling me to get alarms and hoists etc were ordered for her home. SS at one pint refused to answer a question about when she was being discharged because I was not a blood relative, whilst also expecting me to get in all the food and buy new bedlinen and forgot to say I was expected to do all the washing and cleaning too. One hospital discharge coordinator said MIL must go into respite, 2 weeks later another discharged her, 5 weeks later SS said she must go into care asap. Her discharge records said she could walk; physio visited but didn’t give us any feedback, then she was found on the floor again. It’s madness. If your father was a 5 year old child I suspect help would arrive quickly. I hope you/he don’t have to wait long for some professional help and advice. It so wrong.

MIL appears to be in final stages of dementia, when awake she calls out for her sister, most of the time she is asleep now, and not eating well. We have been through a steep decline, in about a year from diagnosis, the mid period was the hardest. Once in a specialist nursing home we breathed a sigh of relief at the fantastic and knowledgeable kind staff who get shouted at and deal with endless health issues.

It's not just elderly people who fall for the flyers or the 'I'm doing some work for your neighbours' ploy. A neighbour of mine said yes to some people offering to do tree work (flyers with a mobile number, Irish accents, the usual sort of thing), which they did very badly and overcharged him for. But on top of that, I was burgled the following week, and the police said that it was very likely related - while carrying out the poor-quality, rip-off work, these guys are also having a look at nearby houses for security weaknesses. There is a very common pattern, apparently, but they know what they are doing (no fingerprints) so very hard to pin it on them.

@exexpat its such a worry and coincidentally DH said 2 callers in a row from same ‘tree surgeons’ called at the door Friday, DH answered first and said not needed thanks, and then whilst clearly on a work call the second guy kept talking to him but DH pointed to the phone and closed the door. We get offered cheap manure too - I just say I work at garden centre (I used to). But the thought of them ‘casing the joint’ is far worse!!

Thank you for the kind words. I've taken a few days off to help my mum with paperwork and also finish some of the jobs around the farm that dad had started. We farm with my cousins,aunt and uncle and everyone was so shell shocked and just can't believe he's gone.

There has been some unexpected loveliness though. The coroner rang mum to discuss cause of death and the cremation certificate and asked what dad did for a living. Mum said that he was a farmer and he was going to be cremated and his ashes buried in the field in front of our house,with a tree as his memorial. The coroner said that he spends all day talking to people about sad things,but that was the loveliest thing that he'd ever heard and he was going to waive the fee that he should normally charge.
We are having a direct cremation,and when the weather improves,will drive him from his house to the field in his Triumph Spitfire,then down to a nice spot on the field on the back of his tractor. His ashes will be buried with his hat and wellies. He hated fuss and had told me a few weeks ago,that that was where he wanted to go,so he could keep an eye on us all.

Oh @Feckedupbundle that is so lovely. What a brilliant way to honour and remember him.

Your Dad sounds like a very good advert for the benefits of the farming way of life and keeping active in your old age. He sounds like a fab man. Wishing you joy in your memories even in the middle of your grief xx

It was lovely hearing about you DF @Feckedupbundle . When I read, in my mind’s eye I had a picture of him being a typical ‘can do’ farmer. Devastated for your up date. This season’s lambs will be extra special. Hope DD did well in her event.

@Feckedupbundle what a lovely plan, glad you also have such supportive close family to help with the fiddly and necessary paperwork and arrangement. All helps.

Hi, I'm new but reading this thread makes me feel I have found my people.

DP has dementia and it is getting more advanced, he also has mobility issues and is in a wheelchair but falls a LOT. He is currently in hospital with delerium caused by a UTI because he refuses to drink much water due to his incontinence. He'll be home in the next couple of weeks and the hospital will put a care package in place for 6 weeks but then I think they'll be left to themselves again.

DM at 83 is his full time carer and he can be beastly to her, doesn't think they need carers and when she has had the odd week of respite care is horrid to her..."she's trying to get rid of him". I know some of this is the dementia but it is also typical of how he views her as just an extension of himself. He also constantly tells me I don't do enough to help them despite me working full time and having two children. He thinks I should be there at the drop of a hat. He once asked me to come over to set the table for them as they had friends coming round. I feel constantly guilty and frustrated and worried and more guilty not just because I don't do enough but also because I don't want to do more. 😩

@chickensandbees feel free to vent and help yourself to cake/gin/whatever takes your fancy we have a never ending supply.

Thank you @countrygirl99 venting really helps...I'll take you up on the gin & cake later.

Welcome to the bad daughters bench @chickensandbees . Feel free to practice shouting “No” into the void.

@chickensandbees late enough now to pour a drink. The UTI issue is both frustrating, MiL was in a ward where they all had them because they were told the nearest loo was broken and catheters were the answer. I hope he gets good and kind Carer’s for the 6 weeks and accepts their help. Other help is out there but you might have to look for it. Sounds like you and your DM need this. Age U.K. and others offer advice and services. 🤞

Thank you @Juneday . Dad being in hospital is bad for him but actually giving Mum some respite which is good. She had some one from the hospital round yesterday to talk about the care package and then next steps which will include a financial assessment which we've been struggling to get for ages. Sometimes it seems you need something to go wrong like the UTI to then get to the right people who can actually give advice.

My impression of this is that it is incredibly hard to find help, it often seems by luck that we find things.

Good morning. I’ve just found this thread and I really need you. I hope you don’t mind, but I am eating far too many big bags of crisps and they are not really helping.
My DM is 87 and has had so many knock backs over the past three years, cancer scare, pneumonia, loss of friends and close relations to cancer, accidents and suicide. She’s gone from walking over a mile everyday to struggling to walk with a stick. She is still fiercely independent- her DM lived with her and my DF for 10 years and she is determined not to impose herself on anyone. I live in the village next to her and am the only one able to be there for her, I see her everyday and FaceTime for at least an hour.
Last year we thought she was having a stroke, they found a tumour. Steroids stopped the symptoms, she saw a consultant and they were a bit mystified as to what was actually wrong, might not be cancerous, just keep going etc.
DM carried on as usual, but developed vascular eczema and cellulitis, during a scan she couldn’t remember her date of birth so I rang her doctor to ask if she could be given another prescription for steroids. The next day she was away with the fairies. She was admitted to hospital, lost all cognitive ability for 48 hours before slowly regaining all of them over 14 days. She was sent home with care support that was stopped after 5 days as she didn’t need them, she continues to be self sufficient, cooks, shops - when I take her and sorts out the 12 tablets she needs to take each day - but asks me to check them.
BUT she is beginning to forget things, her vascular eczema is bad, her heart function is slowing leading to water retention so her legs are currently seeping and and she has poor circulation so her hands and nose go blue in cold weather and if she rushes, we are also seeing the neurologist on Monday with the result of a scan she had in January which was a follow-up to one she had in August that identified changes to the one she had had in April!
She is 87 but she wants two more years, she has always blocked ‘bad’ things and makes up a more positive narrative but she worries. I don’t want her to be scared. My daughter in law has just lost her mother to cancer and my DM was horrified that she knew the diagnosis was terminal. Meanwhile I am having to work out how I deal with things, do I protect her, be proactive and make her get medical help for her heart and stop her gardening or leave things as they are and hope she has a heart attack in the garden before whatever is in her brain has a greater impact?
My DH tries to be supportive, he’s not really and I am juggling him and mum, everyone around me has their own burdens - I’m often asked to help shoulder them- so I have no one to discuss this with, have no life so I eat crisps.
Sorry for the length of this.

I would encourage her to seek help for the heart symptoms, but definitely not stop her gardening - physical activity she enjoys is hugely beneficial for both physical and mental health.

(And given the choice, I'd definitely rather keel over in the garden than have my brain slowly desert me.)

We have an appointment to see her doctor, might be next week or in April we will find out today! Last week she spent 3 days in the garden, loved it, complained that she couldn’t move stones like she used to but spent the time standing weeding rather than walking so she’s having to see the nurse twice this week to have her leg dressed.
The biggest hurdle for me is the appointment on Monday and what the scan shows. I don’t want her to be frightened.
To be honest I’m scared for me as well. I don’t know if I can cope.

If she wants to stay independent, then she should sort the heart issues. She’ll feel more comfortable without carrying around excess water, without ulcerated legs.