🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Ah she is just like my Aunt, really unable to process or cope with any change in her environment. That is very hard.

I think my Dad will be like this too as his memory worsens as he is clearly going down the same path as my Aunt.

Sadly yesterday my Aunt took a turn for the worse so I rushed there to be with her last night. She died in the early hours of the morning. My Dad is very shaken up, but thankfully some of his friends have rallied around him today as I was travelling back and couldn't be there.

I just got back to mine now after five hours on the motorway, exhausted and sad. Life here has just carried on with kids and DH, I feel in a different zone right now.

I’m sorry for your loss, @Choconuttolata please be very kind to yourself.

@Choconuttolata I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 I hope you can have some head space, the different zone is a strange place to be.

I’m sorry @Choconuttolata , I hope you can take some comfort from knowing you did your best for her. As someone without children myself, I am touched by the idea of another family member caring as much as you do, even as I share your frustrations with the practicalities.

I also hope it doesn’t affect your Dads own health too badly.

@Choconuttolata
So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did an amazing job there. I hope you've got some time just to pause now after all the rushing around.

I'm sorry but I need to let off steam. I've posted here before about mum's situation but I don't know if it needs to be on the 'stately homes' thread!

Saw my parents yesterday. I turned up and D (Dad; I can't call him 'Dear' Dad anymore) was shouting and bawling at DM. She was sat, as always on the sofa (because she can't move), having to listen to him. He was shocked when he saw me...caught him out! He was shouting at her because she couldn't decide what to have for dinner. This was at 2pm in the afternoon just after they'd had lunch. I mean FFS! She's having blood tests etc for dementia as we speak.

I know he's under stress (he has been Mum's carer for the last 2.5 years) and we've discussed recently about getting DM into a care home for a week of respite for him but he refused point blank. Social Worker on board and is really trying for Dad to see sense but at this moment in time, he's thinking that if she goes into a home, he'll be seen as a failure. This annoys me because he's making it all about him.

I arranged for Wiltshire Farm Foods brochure last week to be delivered and for him to pick a few meals so it takes the pressure off him sorting out cooked foods...still not had his order.

The 4 x a day carers are picking up all the cleaning rota so he doesn't have to do that for the whole property. He still potters in the garden.

He's clearly depressed with 'his lot'. But he was nothing but a horrible, hateful bully all through our lives and DM put up with it because the shame of leaving him would have been horrific. Her words. So she made us all put up with the abuse for her pride. I'm so so angry. I've worked at doing everything for them both for the last 2.5 years (brother went NC 2 years ago with them so it's just me) and I've just finished counselling on all of the crap I've dealt with as a child, teenager, young adult and now I'm 54 and still feeling triggered by him shouting. I was shaking yesterday but I stood up to him and told him off for shouting at his wife, who clearly has bloody dementia but he was having none of it. Now it seems, I am the 'bad guy' for calling him out on his appalling behaviour. (however, I DO understand how frustrating life must be for him now, I really do but to scream at her the way he did?? I'm wondering now how often this has happened and I don't know because Mum won't tell me because (blessings) she'll have forgotten all about his tirades!)

Just so exhausted, tired, angry, pissed off. I really want to just throw the towel in on them both and let them get on with the rest of their lives alone.

@Projectme so sorry to hear yet another story of our generation being dragged into these impossible situations with our elderly parents. Can’t really offer much advice as I also use this site to vent regularly. I do recommend the website https://outofthefog.website it might not apply to you completely but there are some excellent terms of reference and technical terms which help me see things in a more calm way. Also just read well listened to a book recommendation off here which I have found helpful and timely https://www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Problem-Narcissism-Emotional/dp/1399719238?dplnkId=c7cb57bc-c707-46a6-8cf8-69f1489941be&nodl=1 please take care of yourself it’s a horrible place to have to navigate

Disastrous visit to mum last night. Was half expecting to be throwing up all night.
Mum made a cup of tea and she started to drink while I was reminding her about the arrangements to take her to falls prevention course today. 2 weeks ago she was out when the car arrived to take her, last week it was cancelled due to the heat. She was saying all the right things but her tone of voice told me she'll sabotage it today. Then I started mine, noticed a strange smell as I took my first sip and instantly spat it out again. It was vile. Through it away and went to check the milk and it had started to curdle! Meanwhile mum had drunk half of hers and was insisting it tasted fine. I threw away the rest of her drink and the milk and she had a massive sulk as I had "wasted perfectly good milk". The milk bottle was on a tray next to the kettle so I think she has started keeping it there instead of in the fridge. Had to have a large gin when I got home to get rid of the taste!

@countrygirl99 sending hugs. It’s awful isn’t it. Sabotage seems to be a way of controlling us. I can only empathise and wish you a better day.

Thank you for your recommendations; I'll look the book and website up.

It's such a horrible time for our generation. On top of this I'm having to deal with menopause symptoms, my DH's mum needs lots of looking after too, 2 kids (both at Uni) so need emotional and financial support, plus working and trying to find some kind of enjoyment in life with my wonderful DH. It's soul destroying when you look at your life and what it 'should' be and then look at it, as it is.

Thank you @BlueLegume

@BlueLegume I just wish she'd say she doesn't want to go. If she's not there for the transport today that's it. No more effort will be expended in that direction. The milk situation is worrying, but I'm taking the view that if she gives herself food poisoning it gives us a lever to sort out more help. But knowing my mother's iron constitution she could drink a pint of curdled milk a day with zero ill effects. DH reckons the reason I only get a stomach bug once every couple of decades is because I grew up with mum's cooking.

@Projectme agree. Menopause as well, thankfully for me my adult kids are incredibly supportive but I also have a grandchild on the way and am just not as available as I would like to be. I’m conscious I’m making poor choices such as missing exercising as I used to because I’m so exhausted, emotionally drained etc. I’m incredibly aware the impact my mother has on me physically and mentally. She won’t allow strangers in the house and having sacked her cleaner the minute Dad went into the nursing home the cleaning is falling to us. It’s not nice to say but my mother is simply a worse version of her normal self. Always putting barriers up to whatever we try to help. Filled her freezer with food so she always had back up. Now refusing to use anything from the freezer. Supply high end ready meals - doesn’t like them. Left step by step instructions to use the washer. Says they are wrong so every time we go it’s three loads of washing to be done so it means she controls how long we are there. It’s relentless. If this was a relationship with a partner it would be labelled coercive and controlling and we would be advised to step away. Instead we have to ‘be kind’ and keep throwing ourselves at their feet. I personally don’t think I’m helping her simply enabling terrible behaviour.

If this was a relationship with a partner it would be labelled coercive and controlling and we would be advised to step away. Instead we have to ‘be kind’ and keep throwing ourselves at their feet. I personally don’t think I’m helping her simply enabling terrible behaviour.

And that is exactly the advice I'm going to give you. Step away. You're right that enabling this type of behaviour isn’t helping. Sometimes you just have to let the crisis happen.

Sorry this was also in response to @countrygirl99

I feel for you, I really do.

My parents had no say in the care package provided for mum after she left hospital so it was a done deal that carer's would be there 4 x day so I fortunately don't have to do any of that. They now do cleaning for them and ironing so this has taken another burden off my dad's shoulders so he can relax more. But it still doesn't seem to be 'enough' or 'good enough'.

And by what you've explained here, I would agree, your Mum is deliberately making life difficult for you all. There really is no need but I'm guessing she was controlling and she still wishes to maintain as much control over things as she can, not seeing how detrimental this is all to everyone involved.

I'm learning so many lessons here. My kids will not have to deal with any of this crap. I've promised them. I'll put myself in a care home if necessary or find sufficient drugs to do myself in if I have a terminal condition. Sounds drastic but I don't want a loved one to go through what I am.

If you were to take a huge step back (it's difficult I know but just imagine for a second), who would be there to do the washing/cleaning/meals etc?

@Projectme absolutely. My parents terrible life choices are now directly impacting us. They have been living with their heads in the sand for decades. Truly have zero coping skills but are, well mother in particular incredibly skilled in manipulating you to feel sorry for her and consequently doing jobs and chores for her. Read something recently about selective-competence being a thing. Our mother has definitely used this.

The other term I found interesting is ‘terminal uniqueness’. Our mother has never been able to wear high street clothing or shoes as ‘they don’t fit me’. They do she just portrays her self as unique. She describes everything at her home as unable to be replaced because it was ‘bespoke’. It isn’t and wasn’t. At my age my parents were travelling the world at their leisure not running themselves ragged and constantly being a a state of high anxiety.

In a way I'm "lucky" that I never had z good relationship with mum. I wasn't the pretty girly girl who liked dolls and dresses thst she wanted. She made it very clear she was disappointed that I preferred to wear jeans, play football and build camps in the woods. When I married DH she actually told my in-laws that she was disappointed with my choice of husband. It makes it much easier to set boundaries and stick to them.

Absolutely infuriating for you. Especially the fact that they've enjoyed their lives, as they saw fit at the time, with absolutely no thought whatsoever for future needs. Incredibly selfish. DH and I are early 50s and we've got strategies in place already for when the time comes and knowing we have those in place means we can enjoy retirement without any guilt or worry.

My mum is similar to yours inasmuch that she has always had selective competence too. She's always guilt tripped me, all my life so I feel manipulated into doing things even more now because of her medical episode 3 years ago, however, the counselling I've just completed made me realise that the more I do for my parents, the more they want and expect. So I have slowly stepped back from visiting them 3 x week, to just 2 and this will eventually drop to once a week or ad-hoc visits. I've stopped offering to 'order this/that/everything' from Amazon for him; if he wants something, he can source it himself and buy it from now on.

It's a horrible situation because I enjoy helping people, especially family but because of how they've both made me feel, I am now so resentful and angry.

wow, that was so rude of your mum to say that to your in-laws! I'm guessing she has no relationship with them whatsoever?!

@countrygirl99 @BlueLegume can relate. Only last week my mother told me the dress I’d worn the week before was “drab” and she’d ordered a new one for me (I’m 52, not 5), and it was a size 16. I’m a 12. “Well you have put on a lot of weight.” I used to be a 10 pre meno and am still pretty fit but half a stone heavier. Cheeky mare. I swear she does it deliberately- it makes her feel less vulnerable if she can put me down.

Am about to take her to a hospital appointment. Joy.

@Projectme in my parents’ house it’s my mother who screams at my father. Sadly after over 60 years of marriage he’s just collapsed in character and won’t make any decision without “ask your mother.” It’s really sad, and super frustrating, because she hoards and between them they won’t get rid of anything at all and the house looks like a bomb has hit it. Honestly, it looks like one of those pictures you see after burglars have been. But no carers, no cleaners. I do a bit every week, whether washing up or talking somewhere, but relatively minimal, because honestly it’s gargantuan and never ending, I could be sucked in so hard.

@Projectme the relationship was always coolly polite. I didn't know about the comment until.DH told me after his parents had died

@countrygirl99 I had to remove eggs with a bb date of March from DMs last week. The only way she’d let me take them was by telling her I’d make a cake for her with them. I don’t bake so that was never going to happen plus she’s forgotten about the cake. Funnily enough I also have a strong constitution when it comes to stomach bugs.

Today’s broken item is her dentures. I’ve managed to find a repairer locally so fingers crossed he can fix them as the dentist she used to go to has taken her off their books. I’ve asked for her to be put back on but was afraid to ask how long the waiting list is. It didn’t help that she didn’t tell me so I only found out when I popped in on the way somewhere and that she’d put the broken dentures somewhere and couldn’t remember where. Found them after a search.

It’s just something almost every day at the moment. I spent half an hour on the phone about her broken hearing aids yesterday.
Plus I have my own DC to worry about. DD is seeing the rheumatologist today, having been pretty ill for the past year so I have that on my mind.

Oh goodness the food. I had to move DF out of his house before I was allowed to remove 4 boxes of out of date eggs 🤢 and 2 month out of date yoghurt 🤢. DF believes only in ‘the sniff test’ and not throwing away spoiled food was a hill he seemed literally prepared to die on.

We've got a cleaner going in weekly now and she wipes thr fridge every time so she has an excuse to go in the fridge and check. It stops the gagging moment when you open the door and smell a chicken casserole or something that is covered in green mould which is a massive improvement.