🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew to be honest, and I cannot/won’t speak for @funnelfan the. Last thing I care about is inheritance. I’m certainly not expecting anything and if anything would pass it onto my children and grandchildren. I jumped through hoops to pursue CHC for our DF and was successful with help of many other people from the NHS to the nursing home. My mother was/is obsessed by her bank balance. When we knew DF needed nursing home care rather than her be all over that and ‘let’s find the best care for Dad’ her first instinct was ‘what will I live on?’ To be transparent this is from a couple with hundreds of thousands in the bank. Her jewellery collection alone is probably worth 100k. 80plus years collecting it. CHC has now been paid since late last year so by my reckoning she is around £40k at the least in pocket. It is not means tested so before any one flames us it is totally entitled to cover DF care.

Im in the fortunate position of not needing inheritance too, as our mortgage is paid off. I’m very much of the opinion that the reason you save for your old age is to give you options and comfort when you need it, rather than relying on whatever the State will provide. As PoA my duty is to manage her money in best her interests, but I am not stinting in terms of spending it as needed, ie gardeners, nice bits of food to tempt her to eat something she enjoys, weekly home hairdresser visits etc. she’s going through her widows lump sum from dads pension at a rate of knots with 4 carer visits a day and a house needing lots of maintenance. She’s fast approaching the limit at which the local authority start to contribute, which again I’m obligated to apply for as her Attorney as it’s in her interests.

as it happens, her house is probably worth north of half a million, which to be perfectly honest is scandalous considering it’s an average two and a half bed family house that DP bought on Dads working class man’s wage back in the day. the value is everything that’s wrong about the housing market, but it’s in a great location with excellent local schools and they rarely come on the market in her location, people buy them and stay forever. But again if/when we come to sell, whether that’s as PoA or executors, we’ll be obligated to get the best price we can. I just think of it in terms of mum being able to afford a nice care home if/when she needs it.

If there’s anything left over in mums eventual estate it would be very nice as we could move ourselves. I hate this house, it was originally DH’s, I would never have considered it and it’s totally unsuitable for our own old age. But given DP only ever had an inheritance once, a relatively modest four figure amount from one of my grandparents, its never been a family expectation or featured in my own retirement planning. Half of mums house value would make a huge difference to DB, but to be fair to him, he’s never made any noises in that direction at all and is supportive of selling and using as much as is needed to make mum as comfortable as possible.

I think it rather took the wind out of DF’s sails when I said I didn’t care about inheriting anything from him. But then he thought that was a viable ‘threat’ whereas I see clearly that all his money will go on the care that he needs.

@Nodancingshoes so sorry to hear about your Nan and I echo others here - she knew you loved her 💐

@Nodancingshoes sorry about your Nan.

I’m the same with spending DMs money - buying her Tescos Finest food for example but struggle to convince DB who buys her the basic range when he does her shopping. We had a conversation about it this week funnily enough.

She does ok financially, She has a good pension of her own plus 90% of Dads pension on top of her state pension, so does not need to stint.

@Nodancingshoes sorry to hear about your Nan's passing. She knew she was loved and cared for by you. Please try not beat yourself up about her passing just after you left, I know this is something some feel guilty about, some people seem to choose to pass in peace on their own or with particular people present.

@Nodancingshoes

A couple of people mentioned this thread to me. Hope it’s okay to join.

@funnelfan good post re the inheritance money. I do wonder whether I need to look at the bigger picture with our mother. She is definitely at best controlling and always has been at worst she is a narcissist. Always known or knows better. I was recommended a book by a wise soul on here called “You’re not the problem’. I’m racing through it and every case study resonates. Anyhow re the money I think my mother has backed herself into a corner. When it was clear DF required nursing home care she made the money the problem even though there was plenty to see him cared for. Once I secured CHC and she realised her precious bank balance was safe she suddenly “couldn’t access her money”. She could and can she chooses to say she can’t. Resolving that by ensuring she always has cash she then tells us she can’t go shopping. Resolved that by us buying her and delivering ourselves frankly a delicious choice of foods and ensuring the freezer is stocked for back up. Suddenly she doesn’t want to use anything from the freezer and only likes a specific ready meal. Resolved this by only buying fresh stuff but it all points to her wanting us there daily to drop things off. I can understand she might be lonely but we never get to spend time with her that could be better for her loneliness. It’s just a series of tasks that need doing. So to summarise I think our mother is simply manipulating us for her own needs. She knows she has made all 3 of us stressed. Does she care? Doubt it. My sister and I agree she has always been very controlling about everything. We have all jumped to her expectations for an easy life but she has no skills to cope with life outside of manipulating the situation. Welcome @Strikingthebalance great to have you on board. Some great people on here.

Welcome! pull up a chair and have a ☕️ or🍸 as needed.

Hi Striking. Have a read and ask any questions or have a vent, as needed.

At mums for the weekly visit. She phoned me while I was on the road - she’s flooded the bathroom (and the room below) again. I’m so glad I haven’t got round to fixing the cosmetic damage from the last flood disaster, and I’m not going to now. No point.

@funnelfan good call. Take care of yourself as well. I do admit I am somewhat envious your DM will actually allow carers in etc. Another week of misery here. Four different supermarkets selecting really tasty food to try and encourage her and everything again wrong. Just sat in floods of tears now perhaps of anger that I can see how she is manipulating us and eventually one of will cave in and either move nearer to her or move in. I have to remind myself we are not really helping her we are enabling this behaviour. Gosh even armed with loads of good advice it is exhausting.

Hold strong @BlueLegume !

Wishing you both strength @funnelfan and @BlueLegume.

They want us nearby but then all the time we are we’re skivvies! Those days are hopefully behind me but I have been clearing DF’s house a bit today. It is disheartening to have only scratched the surface of removal but I have consolidated some like things together.

I wonder whether at those times it is worth taking a step back so as to not feed the behaviour.

DDad seems to be intent on sabotaging our efforts at the moment. First he asked could we not clear the spare room yet as he wasn't ready. Explained no because this is the only time we have time to do it, but he didn't have to start using it until he was ready. Booked the skip and started clearing the spare room but loads still to clear. He didn't want to throw away boxes of work related paperwork he will never use again.

Then today whilst I am at work he tells DH he has given someone else permission to put their stuff in the skip. No discussion with us first as to what is still left of his stuff to fit in. If they fill it then it will stop us finishing the job and he gets what he wants. Told DH who spent ages clearing that if that is the case my brother who has much more time on his hands will have to take over and we will back off. He knows I have a lot on my plate with sorting out everything for his sister (my Aunt).

I think he thinks the world revolves around him and we are at his beck and call. If we back off for a while and let him realise what it is like to be without our help and how much we actually do for him then he tends to be less self-centred when we next see him.

I’ve mopped up. Installed the water level alarm I bought ok last time she did this but promised me never to have a bath alone again. She’s now got it in her head that she can’t use the bathroom at all. Hoping her memory issues mean that she forgets this in a day or two. More frustrating is that three times in as many minutes I had to remind her to use her walker as she just seemed to get bored with it and wobble off under her own steam.

I’ve been nibbling away doing clearing out every visit, even just one drawer or shelf at a time helps. Today I was tackling a big bag of old calendars going back 20+ years. Was doing fine until I came across one with Dads writing in it. Had to put them all away for another time. 😭

@funnelfan [hugs] totally feel for you frustration and sadness is such a toxic emotion. You sound amazing in what you are doing. Please look after yourself today. The chemicals all these emotions send to our brains are very powerful and stressful. As ever we all know what we should be doing, as in put our own oxygen mask on first, but the reality presents us with very different options.

@funnelfan it’s tough isn’t it. I attack DFs study (aka the spare room) every few weeks in small bursts, then I find something he’s kept or written and have to stop. I managed most of his day to day clothes early on but his suits and especially his ties I haven’t been able to touch. He collected ties from rugby clubs and political groups all over the world, there are hundreds.

Meanwhile DM goes on. Waiting for the quote for the rising damp. Doors still need sorting. Hearing aid has gone missing in the post on the way to the hospital audiology dept. I find myself getting stressed by the smallest thing now and spent yesterday feeling off colour culminating in a retinal migraine which always leaves me washed out for a day or two.

@BestIsWest take care of yourself. It is like a hidden secret the stress so many of our generation are facing. I ponder that my mother could easily live another 15-20 years has no physical ailments yet is expecting us to do absolutely everything for her. I have a grandchild on the way but will not be able to properly engage as we are so tied having to deal with mother. Gutting that what should be a happy time is muddied.

That is hard @funnelfan as you don't want her to stop with self-care or have accidents if she stops using the bathroom, would something like a sink/bath overflow alarm help?

https://www.alzproducts.co.uk/bath-sink-water-alarm

If she is forgetting to use her walker could some prompt signs stuck up near where she sits help?

So hard clearing out things that bring back memories, be gentle on yourself @funnelfan and @BestIsWest

That is why I am trying to be sensitive to my Dad frustrating as it is for me re: his paperwork from his old job, it is fear of aging that prevents him from clearing things out. I think it is this that also makes him more needy although he has always not had the emotional skills to deal with stressful situations. Hard to find the balance to keep him being as independent as possible.

When the overwhelm hits @BestIsWest is it possible to take a few days step back to re-regulate your own nervous system? I get migraines too and they are exhausting. Then make a list of things that need doing and decide which one thing is your priority for that week. I get into that state as I have things to do for work then I am the household manager for everything organisational in my family, DH, kids etc and now POA sorting out my Aunt's situation and then my Dad. Too much to hold in one brain. It is really important to look after yourself too.

@BlueLegume I know our elders take a lot of our time, but please try not to lose out on precious time with your grandkids, they are only little once and when you are older if you build a good relationship with them they will hopefully be visiting you and making sure you are cared for. My grandmother was such an important part of my life growing up, she didn't do regular childcare, but we had some lovely times together that I still treasure now she is gone. Get some extra help for your mother if you can/she will agree to it and prioritise your wish to have time with your kids and grandkids if that is important to you.

@Choconuttolata thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately our mother will not allow anyone but us to help. That means cleaning washing shopping and any odd jobs needed doing. We have tried everything she is simply incredibly stubborn and manipulative. Thanks though

@Choconuttolata that is exactly the kind of alarm I put in yesterday, but mum has it in her head that means she can’t use the bath at all, despite multiple attempts at explaining. She also has advanced macular degeneration so combined with her decline in cognitive powers she can’t read any more - visual prompts and reminders just don’t work for her.

I’m usually not sentimental about sorting stuff, and DH and I have had a lot of practice recently clearing out MILs house. I think what triggered me yesterday was seeing an entry for me visiting them, and I remembered it really clearly - I came home and dad made me a sandwich and it was a lovely spring day and I sat in the garden and mum and dad pottered about as I ate it. I’d just met my (now) DH, but I was living abroad so was contemplating whether it was time to return to the UK. Mum and Dad not getting any younger was one of the factors I considered. They were still in good physical and mental health, independent etc, but Dad had just turned 80 and mum was in her mid seventies so I was aware it might not last forever.

I do realise that I am fortunate compared to many of you in having a good relationship with my parents, who were generally loving, sensible and reasonable people, so I don’t have that extra emotional work of trying to navigate that. Trouble is, dementia seems to make the most reasonable person unreasonable.

@BlueLegume that is hard. I didn't have any option but to leave my Aunt who refused outside help until things got bad with me living hundreds of miles away, but if you are close it must be difficult to say no I can't do it.

@funnelfan I didn't realise she had a visual impairment too, DDad has macular degeneration too. Would a sensor mat with an audio reminder help maybe? And yes dementia adds another layer of complexity entirely.

https://www.alzproducts.co.uk/chair-occupancy-alarm-mat-with-transmitter

@Choconuttolata this is like a conversation with DB who does like a gadget. . Mum doesn’t through, and any new thing actually bothers her, and she generally copes with that by ignoring the new thing, whether that is her falls alarm, hearing aids, dentures, or a walker! If she is forced to deal with a New Thing, eg the new toilet cistern has a slightly different flush which she cant get used to, then her “botherdness” comes out as her dementia getting worse with lots of repetitive questions and not understanding.

As an example - mum has a speaking clock. It’s basically a big button that will speak the time when it’s pressed. She used to love it when her eyesight first started to go. Now she can’t process what it says, it might as well be talking Swahili. She’s forgotten what it even does. So any gadget that could be programmed to say “don’t forget to use your walker” would be ignored as her brain wouldn’t even register what it said.