🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Posting for a rant really and to get it off my chest. It's nowhere near as bad for me as as most of you, at least I'm not juggling young children, (how the heck you manage that as well I can't imagine) but I am feeling a bit sorry for both DH and myself, and need to snap out of it. Hoping writing it down will help.
I've just got home after being with MIL all week to keep DH company and share the load a bit. The idea being I would cut the grass and catch up with some of our small business admin before I go back again tomorrow. DH is still there.
All I've done is eat Doritos and scroll on my phone, I can't seem to settle to anything,
It's only been 3 weeks this time, but weve been going through similar crises intermittently over the past 10 years. This time she was was much much worse and she looked terrible, struggling to breathe refusing food and drink for days etc. DH was convinced it was the end and called the paramedic last weekend, (she's 94) The dr that came gave her oxygen and advised hospital which she refused. When DH asked if we should expect the worst, he said oh no, he'd seen enough to recognise that, and folk like MIL just go on and on. He was absolutely right, she's perked up yet again, lives to
I'm so conflicted because I don't want any harm to come to her, but at the same time, DH was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year and I worry that we're now just not going to be able to have any sort of retirement. She's currently refusing any outside care because she doesn't want strangers in the house and DH is an only child so it's just us. Fortunately Ive at least not had to listen to her cheerfully recounting her own memories of a long and happy retirement recently (parent free from age 50) so I'm grateful for that. She's not a bad person at all and I'm fond of her,

Posted too soon! Never mind I'm sure you'll get the gist, and I do feel a bit better for it!

Yes, how you who have jobs and/or DC at home/live a fair distance away cope I do not know.
I’m one year retired, DC are grown up and have left home and DM lives 3 minutes away in the car and I am still stressed. This week it was both pairs of hearing aids packing up at once (not for the first time), a door coming partly off the hinges trapping her between the door and the wall and a skirting board crumbling leading to a diagnosis of rising damp which will need to be treated.

@MovingSwiftlyOn there was a recent brief discussion on another thread, I think it was the “exhausted waiting for them to die” where it was noted that several of us experience the thing of not doing anything when there is a respite in the chaos. Despite us planning to use the time to “catch up” for ourselves, doom scrolling, eating junk and staring into space seem to be the common activities.

I can never bloody settle to anything in FIL's house when there's a crisis in progress. His are relatively minor in tone for now, though all have the underlying theme of 'this is really the wrong house to live in when old and infirm and alone', which of course he blithely disregards. I thought it was the household itself, with ingrained habits of perpetual motion fostered by MIL, but she's been gone for months now, and I still can't rest or concentrate when there's a lull. Believe me, this is not in my nature. Horizontal is in my nature.

@MovingSwiftlyOn and @funnelfan

I think it is exhaustion, overwhelm and trauma leading to shutdown. It is a self-preservation mode. I have done nothing today other than doom scroll. I have no bandwidth for anything else.

Equally I identify with that heightened adrenalised state @DahliaMacNamara, mind whirring constantly, always thinking about the next thing that needs to be done. When there a high likelihood of the next crisis it is hard to stop and let go/relax. It is only now that my Aunt has gone into hospital that I have reached the shutdown phase today and had a cry because I could. Normally I am just trying to hold it all together and can't afford to fall apart because there is always something in my family either with the oldies, DH or the kids.

@Choconuttolata completely relate to the shutting down and overwhelm 💐

I hope you got something formal/in writing from the hospital doctors for your aunt?

Our experience after meeting face to face at the hospital with a doctor from the multi-disciplinary team treating DF - was social worker still discharging to home because DF ‘begged’ her and home first.

Doctors said DF lacked capacity and it was a miracle the crises we’d had so far were limited to broken vertebrae, rather than hip or pelvis or skull. They also said 24 hour supervision was their recommendation to social care.

We felt so grateful to the doctors who explained so gently, asked family for a history and answered all our questions. DF was already having his medication managed and 4 carer visits a day before this admission.

@FiniteSagacity I do have a letter in writing stating lack of mental capacity related to dementia from the hospital doctors. Doctors and physio at hospital supportive and putting in another safeguarding regarding the events that led to her admission.

Social worker will have a fight on their hands if they try to discharge her home as there is no one who can pick up the pieces when care arrangements fall apart. All 3 POA's are in agreement. I am already annoyed and frustrated by their colleagues lack of action prior to this point which is how we got to this point and will already be complaining about that. My tolerance is low for their bullshit right now.

No one can stay overnight so she would need overnight carers to to prevent falls. She has had 3 falls now and fractured a vertebrae. Aunt can say she wants to stay in her home all she likes, the reality is that it is not safe, not a suitable environment or manageable for family to support.

@BestIsWest in some ways it's a lot easier having a full time job, primary aged children and living at a distance as there are so many "real" reasons why I can't do much for elderly relative! And I mean "real" reasons in the eyes of relative, SS etc

It was a lot harder being single, childless and a carer. Albeit with a full time job too. Because that means you have to be able to say "no" but you can't back it up with anything. And nobody will prioritise your needs.

Having a younger child who can't be left on their own and who has to be in school everyday means I can't just "pop" in for a visit to sort out something minor (admittedly 2-3 hours away!) or arrange to go and live with the relative - even though that's what they'd want.

This is so true. It's one of the reasons some of us carry on working, to be honest. Another one is that if you devote a lot of time to an elderly parent and give up your job and then the parent dies, you are left with two large holes in your life. My mother died three weeks ago after a long period of aggressive cancers. Somehow I have managed to juggle work deadlines (most of the time it is from home and not fulltime, so I know I'm fortunate, but some of the deadlines are fierce and the consequences of not doing the work well are severe).

It's killed me at times keeping it going when there were so many emergency hospital admissions, but I know I will need the work during the winter months for my mental health as much as for the money.

I'm taking voluntary redundancy this year and I'm not telling golden balls brother. As far as he knows I'm not retiring until next summer. I know he will expect me to do everything even though he has been retired for 3 years and I'm already doing a lot more.

No, definitely don't tell him. Or you'll become the 'professional adult daughter'. Find some lovely way to fill your own time. It's good for you and we need to do all we can to look after ourselves.

Could you tell him Cost of Living means you're having to delay retiring for several years

Then take the redundancy, retire as planned and relax.

@countrygirl99 no definitely don’t tell him. I didn’t tell mine but he found out somehow after I’d been retired 6 months unfortunately.

I am absolutely not telling my brother about retirement. I'm not even reminding him I reach state pension age next summer. Quite happy to pretend I'm still working. Luckily we only ever contact each other about mum and I don't gave him as a friend on Facebook so hopefully will get away with it😆

@countrygirl99 oh no definitely don't tell him. You deserve your own life too.

Does anybody have any experience of transferring their elderly loved one with dementia from hospital into a care home via private ambulance. Not at the point of discharge yet, but I think my Aunt would probably be calmer and more comfortable with an ambulance transfer. Currently looking at options nearer to me and her brother (my Dad) 2 hours away from the hospital once she is fit for discharge.

DF is trying to play his children off against each other (plotting his escape from the nursing home). I’ve written DF a letter from all his children about the last 18 months that explains the journey.that has led us here as gently as possible. I hope it will be a memory aid and help him understand why in a format he can refer back to.

It’s also something I am more than happy for any professionals to read.

Wish me luck or add your caution I guess!

Had a long appointment with a lovely GP this morning (sorry to those in the waiting room). Outcome is I have a shiny new prescription for sertraline. GP very understanding, on the one hand appalled at how much I am doing and the impact on my health, on the other knowing the limitations of the care system and that it throws as much as it can at family because it’s so under resourced. Ended with “you are my priority and you matter”. I hope I get to see him again if I need to, it’s a large practice with several locations and I usually take whoever is available just to get an appointment.

@funnelfan whilst I am happy you felt listened to it seem bitter sweet that after all you have been through you are now having to take medication. It feels like our generation won’t experience a pleasant retirement just relentless caring for elderly often stubborn difficult parents. Best of luck hopefully the medication might help a little. Your wise words on here are always appreciated.

My lovely nan passed away yesterday - just 5 minutes after I left her to go home. I am relieved she is at peace now and not suffering. She has not always been the easiest person to look after and the last few weeks have been pretty traumatic. Life will certainly be different from now on - I will miss her so much.

Sorry about your nan, @Nodancingshoes . I hope good memories will erase the trauma of the end of her life.

@Nodancingshoes i am so sorry for your loss, and glad she is at peace. Take it really gently- everything else can wait. 🌺🌺🌺

So sorry @Nodancingshoes but glad she is at peace. Be kind to yourself as you grieve.

@BlueLegume thank you for your kind words. Am hoping the medication will turn down the volume of my ever present anxiety which has been the source of some alarming physical symptoms recently. On the plus side, I also have the reassurance that my cardiovascular health is good for a woman of my age after an ECG, blood tests, blood pressure monitoring etc. I mean I still need to lose weight and do more exercise like 90% of the population but I’m fundamentally physically ok which is reassuring.

Take care of yourself @Nodancingshoes (and your sister?).
Everyone on here knows how much your Nan meant to you and I’m sure she knew it too.

Yep and no inheritance to at least soften the blow as it will either have gone on nursing homes or tax