🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm so sorry for your loss and my thoughts too with all those struggling with their parents.

After a quiet few months I had 7 hours in A&E with my dad last week (chest pain) and he was admitted to hospital for two nights but is now back at the care home as they have ruled out both heart attack and blood clots.

I came to the realisation that I'm not ready to lose my dad yet and have been quite tearful at times.

@WhatHaveIFound I know exactly what you mean. After months of anxiety over mum I now feel I wasn't anywhere near ready to lose her.

Enjoy your time with your dad. I still miss mine after nearly 12 years.

Hi,
Posted here before not sure under which name though.

DF (89) fell at the weekend and broke his hip. They have successfully operated but I'm really concerned about him regaining enough mobility to go home safely.

I'm also worried he'll tell them I'm his carer. I do stuff for him but live an hour away and work FT.

I feel so sad for him, he wants to live independently but I'm not sure he can anymore.

I’m so sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that you’ve lost your mum. You sound like you were a wonderful and loving daughter. I know it wasn’t unexpected but it’s still so hard when someone you love dies. Your user name always makes me smile, I often sing that song as I’m forever putting my hairbrush somewhere random. We have a plush Bob and Larry from when the kids were little.

I do have a question too. My mum is becoming very frail and struggles to get out of the house now. I think she’ll be housebound within weeks and I can imagine she will struggle to walk even a few steps within weeks/months. They have been resistant to having outside help (they do have a little now). If there was cockroach cafe bingo they’d do well (Oh we’re not at that stage yet!). Both in their 90s.

On paper it is more likely my dad, who cares for her, will die first as he has various conditions. I’d always vaguely thought that if that happened and she needed to go into a care home (which she would now) she might want to move to where two of her children live (I’m one of them). But that’s 250 miles away from her home. Does anyone have any experience of this? I’m thinking there must come a point when it’s not possible to travel so far even in a private ambulance (money not an issue). If she couldn’t really leave her area I’ll have to work out how to rearrange my life so I can spend lots of time there, not easy or ideal but she’d need the emotional support. I just can’t see her coping with such a long journey given her physical condition.

Lots of what ifs but I need to get things straight in my head and work out what’s possible without damaging my marriage/family.

Sorry about your dads fall. Theres usually some form of multi team assessment (medical, physios, social services) under the heading of something like discharge team/coordinator. Find out who that is in your Dads ward and ask them to keep you informed of their assessments. You can use the conversation to make clear your own circumstances regardless of what your dad tells them you do in his desire to still live independently.

Thanks @funnelfan the ward have said they'll likely assess him at the end of the week.

Ideally they'd get him into rehab (happened when he had a fall a few years back and got him mobile again before he was allowed home) I worry that he is too frail to go back home and they'll see this.

I know I'm making scenarios that just don't exist at the moment just tired and emotionally overwhelmed I think.

I understand, I’m very prone to overthinking “what if…” myself.

try and focus on your dad being currently safe and looked after for the moment, and get whatever rest you can while he is in hospital. There’s a saying along the lines of todays troubles being enough without taking on tomorrow’s as well. Easier said than done i know.

@CockroachCluster I have an elderly relative (distant, not a parent) in a care home that is also very distant from me. I don't think they'd have managed the journey without it making their condition much worse.

It's a lot easier once they're in a home as there's a lot less to do - the home handles all the medical appointments (they get in touch for things like consent for jabs), food, laundry. You can pay extra to have clothing labelled rather than doing it yourself. You need to replace toiletries and clothes but those can be ordered online and delivered direct. Set their post up so it goes to your address rather than the home for you to deal with.

Emotional support - the home will have people around to provide this, who are used to providing it and can support them to use the phone or Zoom if wanted. Can you realistically uproot your life for weeks at a time?

Is she likely to get other visitors other than you?

Thanks for your very sensible comments @EmotionalBlackmail Of course, it’s hypothetical but it suddenly hit me she might not be able to travel. I know I need to decide in advance (with dh) what I can or can’t do as the last time there was a crisis I instinctively dropped everything and that was quite damaging. We’ve got 4 parents between us, 85++, who all seem to be heading towards a crisis at the same time in different ways, it could get quite tricky in the next few months.

She would get other visitors but for various reasons I know she’d appreciate me being there regularly (but wouldn’t complain). Deafness makes phone calls difficult. I'll just have to take things as they come but a bit of forethought won’t come amiss.

Thanks to these threads I’ve learned a lot, it looks like I’ll need to put it into practice soon. Cockroach to all, it’s so sad what so many of you are going through.

Many people have said on here about it being a marathon and not a sprint!

The dropping everything and rushing to be there is manageable once or twice. Even a handful of times. But this can go on for years and the rushing around is unsustainable. Especially at great distance. Mine has been in the care home since before the pandemic. If I'd rushed there every single time I doubt I'd still have a job and my child would be struggling with me being away.

Mine is currently sabotaging transport arrangements to a dalls prevention class that DB2 put a lot of effort int by popping iut to the shops at the tome they are due despite multiple timely reminders by phone and throwing away the note I put on her kitchen pinboard. She is very fit physically but her alzheimer's means she doesn't process 3 dimensions very well and trips on uneven ground, changes of level etc.
I've had more than 1 call from neighbours who have helped her up in the street.
She isn't following any of the recommendations from the OT who assessed her - wear more supportive shoes, drink more water, keep a mobile phone with her. She maintains that neither her mobile nor dad's (bought a few weeks before he died) work. That will be because she hasn't charged them. Won't give them to me to "fix". I suspect she has thrown them away.
Just waiting the next phone call.

Apologies @funnelfan I had work to do yesterday afternoon.
Thank you for your kind words, it really is appreciated.

No apology necessary, we’re all multitasking to the n-th degree and the cafe is as much for the drive-by vents as well as the people settled on the couch by the window. Take care of yourself.

Checking in old friends and great support. Sad but unexpected to read more stories if falls, hospital visits, memory and caring issues. @ofcourseyes try and prevent a rushed discharge Which in part depends upon capacity and any PoA on health & well being. I felt MiL was rushed home and even when at nursing home they said they often received those in their care back before they were ready. But I know it is hard if you have no legal authority. There should be an OT assessment who will organise special equipment and an extra care package for at least 4 to 6 weeks but of course shooing, washing and cleaning is done by magic fairies ….

DD has had the car incident I was expecting, the only positive is no physical injuries to anyone. Car is likely a write off, another car damaged and a bottle bank?! He admits it was his fault but doesn’t know how…. Wondering will an insurer (quite rightly I think) refuse to insure him again? Does anyone tell DVLA? DPs live in a village with only one bus route, DM gave up driving a few years ago…. I will be looking to see if there are regular minibuses or volunteers as they love to go out every day! To bridge, coffee, book club etc. Anyone any tips? . Siblings and 2 1/2 hours away…. So whilst we can step us visits, not enough!

Our area is mostly rural with a few small towns. We have something called a Fflecsi bus which is run by the bus company but almost like a taxi service. It's a minibus rather than a full sized bus and it covers a geographical area rather than a route. You can book online or by phone and they will give you an option of times for them to take you to the village you want to reach. There might be something like that in your area (although if not in Wales it's more likely to be Flexi, not Fflecsi!)

@funnelfan @Juneday thank you for your support.
He won't be leaving hospital any time soon, was there yesterday and he has developed "a little bit of pneumonia" to quote the dr so is on antibiotics and a drip as he's also dehydrated.
Me and brother have PoA so not worried about ensuring we get what is best for him.
My DM ( gone eight years, very missed) was a nurse and would stand no nonsense when it came to care and attention for anyone (OK, mostly her dogs) so if in doubt I channel her and don't let anyone steam roller us into a situation we can't manage.
@Juneday I feel for you, DM had to have the car keys hidden from her as was too dangerous to drive at the end, also had a crash

DM gave up driving about 5 years ago thankfully. My 92 year old neighbour still drives, although only to the shops these days. His insurance is very high though.

I have often wondered if the cost of taxis (I typed tacsi originally @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere) here and there would be somewhat offset by the cost of running a car. I suppose it depends on how rural you are.
We have a local volunteer car service but it’s very much in demand for hospital appointments and they won’t do social events.

Thanks for tips. I will look up that service.

I am mostly relieved but also can see how upset both parents will be. Albeit DM wasn’t let DD drive at night, but also told him to drive at 40 on a dual carriageway …. He has a lift once a fortnight to football that they organised this year - as his team had been promoted to PremieR League this is a must. I will try and persuade them to try some delivery services for basics, such as Milk & More. But DM loves to pop into local small holdings and buy their fresh produce - so I think a weekly taxi for that. We need to let DD realise he won’t be going back to driving….

when I last visited DM said make sure you downsize to somewhere with shops you can walk to -

she is also loosing her memory a little and deaf but won’t admit it…. I can see all the warning signs but trying to keep upbeat for now.

I've heard from the coroner's office and mum's cause of death is to be registered as "Spontaneous bleed of the brain" which makes sense. I am so glad that all the family have been in agreement with following mum's wishes so no funeral.

@Juneday do your dps have attendance allowance? Worth looking at. Also, what about setting up an account with a taxi firm paid monthly then it looks more comparable with car costs?
on insurance, according to dd who works in the field major insurers may well refuse based on the nature of the recent accident.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m glad your family are in agreement.I hope you find your own ways to remember your dm. Mine has a bench in a wildlife park she loved. Hope you’re ok

I’ve read updates and appreciate you all sharing your stories so much - they help me now and to know what I might need to prepare for.

Sorry to hear of losses and difficulties and that I’m too time poor right now to properly share my sympathies.

DF is being a nightmare because he is raging against being so frail and in need of 24 hour supervision. Saying he’s in the nursing home ‘until he gets better’ isn’t helping because he’s feeling better - we recognise this is because of the care - but DF doesn’t recognise this or accept that he cannot safely live independently.

The manager has said a DoLS is needed but family can still take him on an outing double-handed with a wheelchair. DF solves all his problems by buying all the things so is desperate to sweep the middle aisle of Lidl but cannot afford to. Space in his room is also an issue.

Mental Health assessment is memory okay and fluctuating capacity (early stages of Dementia - despite the conspiracy theories and utter lack of insight) so as power of attorney our hands feel tied too - basically it is DF’s personality to be horrible to us and nice as pie to everyone else and change his mind (or conveniently forget what he has agreed to) daily.

It is definitely a marathon here.

Sorry to hear of new difficulties with driving accidents, hospital admissions and sabotage of arrangements or denial of reality.

Aunt still in hospital following being found on the floor by the ambulance crew, she has fractured a vertebrae. Hospital geriatrician very clear that she has dementia unlike the GP and social care who still haven't even acknowledged that fact. Hospital staff horrified at how it got to this point despite my multiple safeguarding referrals. The hospital doctors have declared that she doesn't have mental capacity so I can finally organise her some care using the POA.

Skip coming this week to help clear spare room to make an upstairs sitting room for DDad and golden balls brother may even deign to make an appearance to help clear it which given that it is all his stuff is only right really. Good timing as DDad had another small fall the other day and is very shaken up by the situation with my Aunt.

Hope that the official hospital diagnosis will open more doors for help for your Aunt @Choconuttolata. It sounds like the classic situation we say on here a lot that sometimes there has to be a crisis to force a change. It sounds like you’ve done everything you possibly could and she’s been failed dreadfully by her GP and social services. I’d be asking myself if I had the energy to make complaints.

@funnelfan funnily enough that is exactly what I have been asking myself. Ideally I will make a complaint.

I am exhausted after having taken 2 days emergency leave to rush down to see Aunt hundreds of miles away in hospital, sorting out the house which was in a right state, collecting the LPA from the solicitors and then working a 12 hour shift yesterday after getting back late on Friday night. My children and my Dad still need me too. DH has been incredible and holding it all together looking after the kids and my Dad whilst I have been gone.