🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@LastGhost with you on knowing what makes her tick and her self obsession also being insecurity. Narcissistic traits have always been front and centre with our mother. Always talking too much and not listening, always knowing better than anyone. Always the loudest, always unable to read the room and making inappropriate comments. Hyperbolic language silly silly comments always judged what people look like. I am not medically qualified but I sense my own mother being treated as though she is depressed, she may well be, is possibly more narcissistic collapse . All of her grandiosity has been stripped away. My brother has only recently discovered she is a hoarder. She talks as if she fought on the frontline of the Second World War. She was born at the end of it. A few years ago, possibly brave of me I started challenging her stupid comments. She did not like that for a minute. She has never seen me or my sister as individuals but our brother has always been her golden child.https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-collapse/

Thank you @BlueLegume I think there are a few of us on the naughty bench here at the cafe.
My brother, Goldenballs, has let her down again but she's mostly conflicted because he's gone so far that no one could excuse it as 'youthful hijinks' or 'boys will be boys' therefore her public narrative of amazing son/rubbish daughter is out of line.
He did remotely fix her tv by telling her to turn it off at the wall then back on again. The lad's a genius. I merely drove three hours, ticked off her DIY list and checked that her shopping, finances and social life were all in good shape. I must learn to do better.

@LastGhost familiar story. It’s utterly exhausting isn’t it.

Me again! Well my mums sisters (who haven’t seen her in 4 years and didn’t phone or visit when my dad passed) have really done it this time.

They phoned care home today, trying to find out how many times my mum gets visitors, how often I visit, what I bring her and what medication is she on and is she being sedated. Thankfully the care home has the sense to phone me and alert me. Has anyone else had this hassle and had a lawyer involved?

i am an only child, almost had a breakdown and POA.

That's awful Patsy. I hope the care home refused to give them any information. Confirm in writing that they are not to do so, under any circumstances. I'd write the sisters a pity note/text then block them if you haven't already. Am fuming on your behalf.

I feel sick to my stomach but I’m not contacting them in any way as I know it will get to them more.

I wonder what they thought they were going to do with this information even if they got it 😵‍💫. Sue you ? Take over your mums care from you (ha ha ha) ? Tell a grown up you're being a naughty girl who isn't doing enough ?

It would appear they want to cause as much upset for me as they can

If they are her sisters Patsy are they a similar age? This may be more about their own fear of aging and going into a home than genuine concern for your mother, given their lack of interest in her before this point. I am glad the home told you and didn't share information. It must be very stressful. Ignoring them seems to be the only way through this, hopefully they will get bored if they don't get any information and stopped trying to contact you or the home.

Getting very frustrated with everyone here.

Aunt GP won't diagnose dementia even though it is glaringly obvious although they have pushed back at social care to act. Social care have done nothing. Aunt's neighbours keep contacting me at the weekend when GP and social care are not around telling me she is worse hadn't eaten or drunk in days, but then don't phone an ambulance when she is bad instead go in multiple times a day to feed her and give her a drinks for a few days, but then say they can't do it regularly and can we get carers. No I can't because until they see her that bad then nothing changes they say she has capacity and is fine, she refuses carers. If only they just called an ambulance when they found her like that! Last time they did this before the GP arrived when I asked for them to come as an emergency and of course she then looks miles better and it masks the reality.

Oh and was trying to sort out my Dad's upstairs living room for the evenings to reduce the chance of him falling at night. Golden balls brother promised to come and clear out the bedroom we need to use which is all his stuff. Now not coming yet again promising now to come next week, we shall see. He only ever does anything when he wants to and not to benefit or help anyone else. No kids, no partner.

Not like I don't have enough on my plate with a stressful job, a disabled husband, three kids, two with additional needs. I'll just do it all shall I?!

And breathe...

@Patsy7299 Choco got there before me.
Looks like the elderly sisters' worlds are shrinking, which amplifies their nastiness.
Maybe they aren't especially close with each other, but turning their toxicity towards their DSis and, weaponizing you, is actually binding them together. Being vile towards you is 'safe space' as without you as their focus they probably would turn on each other. They sound incredibly jealous/ bitter of something. In you shoes I would never ever communicate with either again. As PP have said, inform the care home that they are not allowed access to your DM in any circumstance.
A lovely old boy in DM's friend group at DM's first care home was 24 hrs form death and v ill. An old 'neighbour' appeared from nowhere and was trying to get into see him 'one last time'. The receptionist was very short with the 'neighbour' and told him to go away, as the old chap was too ill to receive visitors. After 'neighbour' had departed, the receptionist said, she'd known the old boy for three years and he'd never had one visitor. She was not going to "salve the neighbour's conscious" by letting him in. She was absolutely 'policing' the visitors, so care homes do 'screen' visitors.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! Thank you x

Had to call an ambulance for a welfare check on my Aunt yesterday, post-man notified me of concerns as newspapers and mail left outside for days. Took 11 hours for them to attend at near midnight last night. She was on the floor no idea how long she had been there, she didn't know, but because she refused to go to hospital they left her at home. I have requested home visit from GP again today and called duty social work team. What a shit show.

@Choconuttolata that is horrendous. Thank goodness for the postman. I am surprised they can leave her at home like that. Surely it's a safe guarding risk?

I writing this as a separate message because it means other people's messages won't get tangled with it.

I can't remember if I updated here or not. Mum died peacefully on Sunday afternoon. My cousin and I were with her, we chatted and played gentle music and sang to her and after a really scary moment when she sat bolt upright, eyes wide open and gasped (literally only a moment) her breathing stopped and within an hour or so she had gone - very peaceful and without pain.

I have heard from the undertaker today however that her death has been referred to the coroner because there was something reportable on the death certificate. Could it be as simple as the fact she hasn't seen the GP for more than a month or could it be something else? She had the end of life drug pack from the surgery but it wasn't used as she was just peaceful.

I am so sorry for you loss x

So sorry about your mum, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere . I would guess the coroner referral is a necessary formality. My mum's death had to be referred, as it was unexpected and very premature, but it didn't delay other arrangements unduly. That was some time ago, mind you, when you could expect a UK funeral to take place within a week. I hope it all goes smoothly.

My condolences, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and I'm glad for you all that it was peaceful.

Referral to the coroner is fairly standard, I think, if the person hasn't seen the doctor for 2 weeks or more. Just a formality. I have a friend who works in a care home and all yheir deaths are referred if the person isn't on the 'expected' list - that is, seen by the docor and listed as expected to die within the following few days.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere
Even though you knew it was coming it can still hit you like a tonne of bricks. Sorry for your loss. So soon after your DU as well. Look after you and let your family spoil you. X

Condolences @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Yes it's likely that the reason is that your mother hadn't seen a doctor for 28 days. It's just routine and nothing to be concerned about.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere good to see you here.
my condolences again.🌺🌺

I am sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. I am glad it was peaceful.

for @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sorry for your loss, glad it was peaceful for her and that your cousin was there with you.

I hope that everything with the coroner is just a formality and doesn't delay arrangements too much.

Thank you all. We're not having a funeral - mum hated them - so it doesn't really matter how long it takes for the coroner to sort things out.

The on call doctor put "Extreme frailty of old age" as the cause of death and according to the Gov website it is not an acceptable cause:

4.3 Avoid ‘old age’ alone Old age, ‘senility’ or ‘frailty of old age’ should only be given as the sole cause of death in very limited circumstances. These are that: • You have personally cared for the deceased over a long period (years, or many months) • You have observed a gradual decline in your patient's general health and functioning • You are not aware of any identifiable disease or injury that contributed to the death • You are certain that there is no reason that the death should be reported to the coroner You may mention old age or frailty as a contributory cause, especially if it explains the severe effect of a condition that is not usually fatal. If the immediate cause of death was Covid-19 or its consequences, and the patient had no specific pre-existing health conditions, but appears to have been especially vulnerable to Covid-19 or its effects because of old age or frailty, it is appropriate to state old age as contributing to the death.

Aunt is finally in hospital, she was found by second ambulance crew fallen across the front door in a bad way. They are going to CT scan her soon. If only the first crew had taken her she wouldn't have been as bad.