🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

So my nan won't be coming home 😔 She is on end of life care and needs looking after 24 hours a day. She will be moving to a nursing home by the end of the week. It is the best thing but still feels horrible

You can accept an outcome as the best option but still be sad at the situation.

What Mere said. @Nodancingshoes , I hope your Nan’s remaining time is comfortable and peaceful. Accepting the reality of the situation doesn’t mean you won’t feel sad. It also hopefully means you will be able to face the coming weeks and days head on. Best wishes to you and your family.

@Nodancingshoes so sorry to hear this. Hopefully they can move her to the home as quickly as possible and make her comfortable. I remember with my grandmother who went downhill very quickly after her cancer diagnosis that it was so much better when she moved from the hospital, the nursing home were also really experienced with end of life care and supportive of my mother (my grandmother didn't want her grandchildren to see her so we couldn't visit).

Back at the hospital for dad, for the 3rd time this year. And its the small local one, so not even a costa coffee to collect reward points in 😉

A fall and compression fractures, luckily no lasting damage to the spine. I spent many hours last week ringing around chasing his referral to the spinal consultant and got nowhere, and in the end sibling rang 111 and took him to A&E via the gp. Luckily the pain is now under control but he can't manage at home - lots of hard stares as a result between us and the hospital staff, who want to discharge asap as they want the bed back (understandably..)

I can't help thinking that this is a huge gap in care (I know bed blocking is a massive issue) that needs addressing asap. Early release must end up with so many older people being readmitted as they can't manage at home and end up having another fall etc.

So busy focusing on sorting Dad out that I didn't realise DS was having a massive wobble about it. My mum was v ill last year and got admitted and died in hospital and DS didn't see her once she was admitted, before she died, and they were very close. He got really spooked that the same was going to happen to Dad this time around 😔

@LittleMy77 so sorry to hear about your situation. Is there a reablement type unit your DF could have some time in giving you time to consider your options. We had this option last year and although the setting wasn’t ideal for Dad the staff were amazing and gave us time to consider what we did next even advised on how to seek out a suitable home and thankfully had connections with the manager of the home who were prepared to take Dad giving us time to sort things out. Multi disciplinary team meeting was helpful as the professional staff could explain to Mum what was required for Dad. A decent nursing home really replaces the old geriatric wards so whilst bed blocking is not ideal getting a decent nursing home can prevent re admission within reason. I will say it is the ripple effect for our generation where our own kids are missing out on important attention often at times when they really need it because we are spent emotionally dealing with elderly parents.

Just a thought, are the carers literate and English speakers? If they are, I'd contact the agency and complain.

I thought there was a long running thread about waiting for someone to die but I can't find it. If there is it seems that my time to move there is coming closer.

I had to go away last weekend so we visited DM last Wednesday and we both felt that there was a bit of a change. Later that day the nurse phoned to say that they called the GP because she was very sleepy and her breathing was laboured. I went away on Thursday so checked before I left and she seemed brighter again. She had a visitor on Friday who she recognised and was happy to see but on Saturday we had a call to say she seemed to have had another seizure/stroke/episode and they hoped she would sleep it off. All her sats are good, no temperature, but she does have an upset stomach.

Instead it seems that she has developed a new pattern - up and dressed for breakfast but too sleepy to eat lunch so back in bed for the rest of the day. We saw her yesterday and she was asking specifically for my dad, by name, rather than the general "dad" that she has spoken about in the past. "Dad" could be DGF, DF, DU or DH. That was the only thing she said to us in all the time we were there, didn't respond until just as we were leaving and she said "See you soon" Today is much the same. It sounds awful but I can't help thinking why? I am hoping that during one of these deep sleeps she fades away and doesn't wake.

Sorry to hear that @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere , the latest version of the thread you want is https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

@PanettonePudding yes, about two thirds are local to mum, with the rest being immigrants. I’ve met most of them, they’re all very nice and the ones born abroad have good-to-great English language skills. (Mum struggles with the accents but that’s a mix of deafness and cognitive decline). Some of them though just don’t seem to have common sense, and the person that left mums bed like that was a local so I can’t blame language barrier or different cultural expectations.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I have posted on that thread in the last week because that is obviously where we are at as well.
Just trying to get Nan's affairs in order before she moves. We are continuing to pay her regular carers for a few weeks as they have been visiting her in hospital and they are like family to her now. They are also going to visit her in the home for a week or so to settle her in. I guess the next step will be sorting her flat but it all seems so final 😥Realistically she is never going back there though.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere a fellow long-standing but now graduate of this board sending you 🌺🌺. Hope things are as calm as they can be.
@Nodancingshoes 🌺🌺 for you too.

This is what I'm hoping. The care in the hospital is not great. I don't blame them, they are very busy, but she deserves better. Yesterday a full commode was left in her room all day with the windows and door closed. It was horrendous. She also called me on her mobile in the middle of the night in a state as she pressed her bell and no one came. Me and my sister are next of kin so have had to step into the told of her daughter's which is also extremely difficult as we still have children at home and work full time.

Can I just vent a tiny bit?
Mum lives on the same street, age 88.
She's still very independent, stubborn (and more than a bit judgemental)
We go out once each week for lunch and any bits of shopping that a Tesco delivery hasn't taken care of....
After bring up all night vomiting on Monday, I phoned to say we'd have to cancel our trip out - after being a bit huffy, she said she would go into town on the bus and get her stuff and put the phone down on me... no "can I get you anything while I'm out"
No phonecall since to see if I'm better.
I know compared to some situations this is very minor, and I realise topics on this thread will be heading my way in times to come - but after continually trying to ensure she has everything she needs to support her independence, I just felt a bit let down :(

@DumbledoresWand hugs to you and huge sympathy. Lots of wise and sometimes exhausted souls on this thread who will sympathise with you. I’m trekking an hour to our mothers today with shopping, she has announced she can no longer shop. I’ve agreed to clean, she’s announced she can no longer clean. I’ve agreed to do some washing, she’s announced she can’t use the washer. She will criticise all the food. I’m doing this one final time so my sister and brother can have a holiday. I’m then going home to my own family after hovering around for too long pandering to her ‘learned helplessness’. She knows I had a procedure done recently but she’s not asked me anything about my recovery. That said I had a heart attack 4 years ago and she didn’t ask me anything she just told anyone who would listen it was because I did too much exercise. Aren’t parents just peachy. Hope you feel better very soon. We can’t change them but we can look after ourselves and vow to do everything to not become so awful.P.S you are lucky she accepts a Tesco delivery. Our mother will not accept online shopping at all. She turns them away the odd time we have tried.

@DumbledoresWand oh no that sounds awful, hope you're feeling better but do take it easy, vomiting bugs can really take it out of you.

Crikey this sounds so familiar! Instead of being grateful you didn't pass the bug onto her and showing concern, it's all "me me me"!

Mine has done this several times. She only notices other people's ill health or problems when it inconveniences her.

@BlueLegume , @EmotionalBlackmail - thank you! ... the Tesco delivery is mine, with mums stuff added on that I take round after delivery.
Much as I appreciate their world gets smaller, surely it doesn't stop them asking how you are, when they know you've been under the weather.?.
I am trialling some new meds for a condition that also affected my dad - something she considers herself an expert on, even though my dad died over 20yrs ago, and because I'm following the specialist advice rather than hers, she seems to have taken offence - my vomiting is almost certainly a side effect of the new medication.
She can hold a grudge forever - it'll be interesting to see how long this one lasts!

Another one with a parent who never asks about anyone else or has any grasp of the time, effort, money and sacrifices being made. However they have an opinion and sometimes a conspiracy theory about anything - especially health related - which makes me not want to mention anyone else’s health!

Also feel the grudges @DumbledoresWand!

My mum will ask how we are but then just carry on without waiting for an answer.

@FiniteSagacity :).. don't talk to me about conspiracy theories lol.
Rather than admit she didn't see the tin of paint in her garage that she was looking for, she's trying to convince me that my partner must have put it in her garage secretly - she is the only person with a key to said garage...... I'm am dreading the next few years!!!

What I cannot work out, as a mum myself, is how a parent can be so disinterested in the lives of adult children they have no idea what they do for a living or ask how they are.

And yet bore the adult child(ren) rigid with minute detail about ailments of neighbours.

@EmotionalBlackmail spot on there. It is very easy to attribute elderly behaviour on being elderly but my mum has always been the same - utterly disinterested in anything or anyone that doesn’t mean she can have the spotlight shone on her. Went yesterday and asked what she had had for breakfast. ‘Stale bread’ was the answer. Said loaf was in the bread bin and was soft as anything and in date. It is all hyperbolic language to try and guilt trip us all….which of course it does because we are decent people. Learned helplessness. Did 4 loads of washing yesterday and also realised the ‘clapped out’ (her words) tumble drier works perfectly. What I do hate is we are meant to help these elderly adults but I feel like a kid again having experienced this behaviour many times in my lifetime. It stirs up horrible feelings and memories. Yet we keep trying because we are decent people. Anyway bit of a hack for you guys. My mother wont eat ready meals as her new grift. So I buy them and repackage them in storage containers as ‘homemade’. She eats them and has taken pleasure in telling the few souls who can be bothered with her @BlueLegume is having to cook from scratch for me because ready meals don’t agree with me. Is it silly - yes. Does it make me smile - yes.

@BlueLegume applause for that hack!

I feel you all on this. My mother has no idea what my job entailed, no interest in what I do now, and never asks after her grandson. My Dad does, which is something. But I don’t get it - DS is a genuine joy to me and I can’t understand how she doesn’t take an interest.

@BlueLegume I applaud you!

I have to do the opposite, my mum had always seen M&S or Waitrose food as the pinnacle of sophistication. Anything homemade is dubious, will probably give you food poisoning.
She has a whole series of anecdotes - dodgy WI coleslaw have everyone the runs in a community centre in 1984, lasagna in Greece 1987, homemade cakes are the worst because people always apparently lick the spoon.
The idea of home made pizza dough and toppings is revolting, she thought my girls had grown out of that since it was something you would only do at primary school.

I'd have to print up the packaging to kid her my Shepard's pie was safe for humans.

I went to see her yesterday, the advantage of being older means that having grasped what makes her tick - insecurity and a lifelong obsession with herself, means that her chat gets framed through that. She's also getting careless as she gets older and can't throw as much shade about being wiser and more experienced. Makes her nastier comments more obvious rather than me second guessing myself.

The Cook ready meals actually sell ceramic dishes the right size for passing them off as homemade!