Help: Mum in hospital, says she wants to go in a care home.

[YesIwillyesIwillYes]

My recently bereaved Mum is currently in hospital and says she doesn’t want to go home to her bungalow but wants to go into a care home. Although she’s late 80s she’s still in pretty good health and she has no sign of dementia (she does forget some things). She says she wants a care home near the bus stop so she can “get the bus places”. And walkable into town so she can go to the market and out for coffee. I really want to help her meet her needs but is a care home going to be the right place for her? Will a care home let her come and go like that? Might she be better off in an assisted living type place?

If she's in hospital now the adult social care team will be able to help you.

The other thing to remember is that making major life decisions, such as moving, are not best done in a hospital setting.

Unless she has had a major change in function, such as a massive stroke, she needs to go home - perhaps with a care package - and then make a considered decision.

I visit residential care homes as part of my job and, from what you say,, your mum really won't fit the profile of one. If she's wanting company etc then sheltered housing or Extra Care housing would potentially be much more suitable for her.

In a care home she would only have one room, and many people she would be living with will have cognition issues. Of she's got reasonable mobility and cognition then a care home will not be the best place for her.

My 91 yr old MIL broke her arm last year and, when discharged from hospital, was sent to a care home for rehab. She spent the first two weeks saying how wonderful it was,and how she wanted to stay there forever. She then spent the next 2 weeks demanding to go home as the novelty had worn off and she was desperate to have her own space and independence.

If she's self funding, somewhere like an Abbeyfield might suit her. My mum stayed in 2 different ones as respite /recovery after an operation and illness and they were both lovely.
Later on she wanted to move to one permanently but her needs were too high so we found her a nice care home instead (they do exist!)

My recently bereaved Mum

Just wanted to say that major decisions are rarely best made after a significant bereavement as your mind is in turmoil. I was advised by a grief counsellor not to make any big/life changing decisions for at least 12 months after the death and ideally not for 1.5 years if you can wait (apprecitate in some cases finances might force a decision earlier).

On top of this your mother in hospital and elderly 'resettlement' bad in the home after a hospital stay can be difficult depending how long they have been in and if they are bedbound as peopel get seriously deconditioned in hospital.

I'd definitely encourage her to wait to make a big decision like this until she is out. She should get care help if she needs it post -hospital while she's recovering - speak to the hosptial about this.

If she's recently bereaved she may not want to go home, it will be very difficult for her, was dad ill for a long time. Has she spoken with the bereavement team. Perhaps she doesn't want to go back to the home she shared but there are alternatives like supported or extra care. If she doesn't want to go home then perhaps a few weeks respite in a nice residential home might suit her, does she own her own home.

It sounds like a flat within a retirement complex would suit her very well - maybe that's the sort of thing she means?

somewhere like an Abbeyfield

Abbeyfeild is a care company. Thay have different types of home.

Yes she does.

My mum moved into this type of place when my step-dad died. I think then it was called housing with care/ independent living.
She loves it.
She has her own self contained apartment, comes and goes as she wishes.There are care staff on site 24hrs a day but the care provided is adjusted to individual need.
Recently she tripped and injured her arm so needed temporary help with washing and dressing. Normally she would have no care requirements but staff pop in a few times a day to check everything is okay.
Her monthly service charge includes her emergency alarm system, a cleaner, a gardener, handyman laundry facility and optional activities (film nights, flower arranging, coffee mornings, chair exercise and quiz nights etc) They have regular singers and bands where residents pay £2 to attend.
She regularly goes out with her friends and has even been on a couple of holidays with a friend she has made here.
On site they have a coffee shop, restaurant and bar.
A nurse prescriber visits once a week from the GP surgery, visiting dentists, opticians, chiropodist and GPs by appointment as required.

She says it's the best decision she ever made. She can socialise as and when she wants but has maintained her independence.
My mum is 76 and as far away from needing a care home as is possible but this solution has "future proofed" her care arrangements as she gets older and her needs change. It also alleviated the loneliness she felt when she lost my stepdad.
It might be worth seeing if there is somewhere similar locally for your mum to visit and see if this better suits her needs.

Do you mean own her own home

i can’t fault her clarity of thinking. She says her bungalow which she shared with her husband — my father died many years ago —is too isolated. That she can’t walk anywhere. It isn’t on a bus route.It’s really hard to separate her depression around being newly bereaved from her generally not feeling she’s managing. She can walk half a mile. But to get to shops and life is about 2 miles.

That sounds EXACTLY what my mother needs. Thank you for responding.

but I’m also aware she’s 87 and deterioration may be just around the corner.

Do you live in the same area, does she want to stay in the area. She might enjoy assisted living like others suggest rather than a carehome.

She owns her own home and can fund a care home. How much funding is one supposed to have 5 years? More?

to be clear I’m not trying to persuade her into a cheaper option. I’m purely interested in her welfare. I think she would deteriorate quite fast in a care home.

A carehome 1.5k a week, residential 1k a week. If she's quite sociable, likes company, going out she might prefer assisted living like others suggest which are rented. Does she have any care needs or would she manage with a bit of help.

For self funders in care homes I think they usally ask for proof of ability to pay for 3 years.

It's also worth thinking about what happens when the money runs out or she does have higher care needs. Often they can mean moving at a time when it is much more disruptive to the person's health. Some places have assisted living, care home and nursing all on one site so the move is only between buildings rather than complete upheaval.

OP, the Extra Care housing arrangement that @Billoddiesbeard is describing for her Mum aim to provide a "home for life". The care can be adjusted and increased as needed. Obviously there are always occasions where someone develops a serious condition, including dementia, where they can no longer have their needs met in Extra Care and have to move into a care home but most people are able to stay until the end.

I know people who have been in Extra Care schemes for 10+ years. In a care home, that would equate to over £500,000 at current prices.

This .

My DM had a small flat within a facility that had a residents lounge and care person on site. They could still come and go and buy meals and coffee etc in the restaurant but weren't limited to sitting in alone, they could go to the lounge and read/play games etc with other residents or famy and friends. She had her own care team coming in for her personal care.

Sadly she wasn't there very long but it was ideal for people in your mum's situation.

My father-in-law also lived in a similar place local to him. He just paid for the additional care as required. He died last year at 95 in his own bed, surrounded by his family, as he had always wished to do.
If your Mum is self funding you just purchase the amount of care required as things progress/deteriorate,as per @EmmaGrundyForPM post. He only required a lot of care in his last year. Elderly people can be very resilient when maintaining a bit of independence 😁
The place where my mum is has a separate unit for people with dementia so any move would be minimal should she become ill in this capacity.

@Forhecksake
I just wanted to jump in this thread to thank you for your comment about 'extra care' housing.

I've never heard of it before and it looks like something that could be a good option for our family.

I researched it straight away and found two options near us with spaces and I would have never found this without seeing your comment.

Don’t underestimate the costs of moving into an extra care residential home, which can be considerable-not only moving costs but often having to fit new carpets, curtains and appliances (since covid19 it is usually the case that all soft furnishings are removed, even when they are virtually new and you are not usually able to have gas cookers etc). There is considerable stress involved in a move. It may be better to pay for taxis etc, and go to clubs, or look into day services (can be collected by bus and taken to what is essentially nursery for adults!) Thinking ahead and future proofing the current home-removing clutter, speaking to the Occupational Therapist about grab rails, mobility aids etc is also a good option.
Care homes are extremely variable and all too often are badly staffed and full of people who have high care needs. I agree that it may be a good idea to trial anything first-in my experience a lot can be promised by the care providers but the actual experience is nothing like the glossy website or brochures.

From a practical financial point of view - if she goes in from hospital then NHS will fund her place. If she goes home and then goes in then they won't.

I hope she can find a comfortable way forward following the bereavement 💐

I used to work for a housing association. We had an open waiting list for our over 65 scheme. It was lovely. A vibrant community and everyone had their own flat. Lots of the residents sold their own homes and moved in and rented there.

Sounds like assisted living would be better. Care homes are DEPRESSING and if you’re not a get up and go person and take responsibility for your own mental and physical health (which if you are, why would you be in a care home?) then I can see that you could easily end up sitting in a room bored to death each day and losing your abilities far quicker than you would otherwise. So, sounds like a care home is not appropriate for her at the moment. And it’s kind of like once you’re in, you wouldn’t move home again, so if you hate it then what?

Relatively young MIL has sadly just this week moved from a care home to a nursing home - I never even knew there was a difference but the differences are enormous both in the residents’ needs and abilities (new place people scream all day every day) and in PRICE. Wowzers. Very depressing.