Help: Mum in hospital, says she wants to go in a care home.

[YesIwillyesIwillYes]

My recently bereaved Mum is currently in hospital and says she doesn’t want to go home to her bungalow but wants to go into a care home. Although she’s late 80s she’s still in pretty good health and she has no sign of dementia (she does forget some things). She says she wants a care home near the bus stop so she can “get the bus places”. And walkable into town so she can go to the market and out for coffee. I really want to help her meet her needs but is a care home going to be the right place for her? Will a care home let her come and go like that? Might she be better off in an assisted living type place?

The best thing to do is for both U and Ur mum to sit down with someone who knows about what type of places would be best for her. If it is definitely what she wants to do and she knows her own limitations then U can both decide together.xx

I find it really refreshing that your mum has recognised that living alone is no longer viable for her.
My own mum, then dad (two years apart) had to almost be dragged to care homes because they were not coping, but they could not understand the realities of being unsafe at home.
I cannot answer about the freedoms afforded to care home residents. All the best in helping her to find the right space.

She is worried about being lonely/ scared of being alone.
I very much doubt that a care home will allow her to come and go freely.
I think you should look at all possible ways to address her fears, but a care home should be a last resort.

If she doesn't have dementia then the home shouldn't have a locked door so in theory she could come and go. However if she's able bodied enough to do so as you describe then she's unlikely to be eligible for residential care if she's wanting it paid for by the state.

For the state to pay she'd need 'eligible needs'.

Care homes aren't prisons!

But if she's that independent, I don't think a care home will be the right place for her.

There are other options such as sheltered housing and extra care. I suggest she speaks to her local Adult Social Care team who can offer advice.

There's a type of home called "extra care housing" where people rent a flat with a restaurant on site. Then residents can buy in care calls as and when they need it. They are lovely places for people who would like to feel safe and have easier opportunities to socialise.

Get in touch with AgeUK. They are very knowledgeable and helpful.

She needs to talk to someone official about her options, you then need to accept what she wants then

My MIL fell over in her flat. She was in hospital week then moved to rehab. During this time occupational health came out and looked at her flat and decided what changes needed to happen (lots). She also needed carers (2) four times a day. At this point she decided that she’d wanted to go into care and she had to meet all the criteria for this.

This is a really big step for your mum though and I know that my MIL really really misses her flat and independent living. Living in a care home takes some getting used to and once she’s given up her bungalow there’s no going back. It’s not what Mum thought it would be, the staff are lovely and she’s well fed and looked after but the downsides of living with other people might be something your mum hasn’t anticipated. Also, every single thing of value is now at my house. Her shower gel is stolen from her room almost daily along with crisps and snacks that we take her in. I bought a large lockable box that everything now goes in, that seems to help stop the thefts.

Maybe your mum just needs a carer or cleaner in to help her?

I think it sounds as through a residential home would be better, rather than nursing home. Predominantly run by carers, with nurses overseeing.
Ask hospital to refer to social services for needs and financial assessment, you can also go and look around lots and see what you think!

My grandma did the same. She just wanted to be looked after. Not sure he much freedom she had, as it was the easy 90's.

Plenty of residential homes let you come and go. They’re not prisons. Some even run a minibus service into town. At my DGM residential home a couple of residents kept their cars - they just enjoyed the company of others and not having to do domestic chores. In past years older people would retire to a hotel - lower level residential care is essentially the same.

Who is paying? Does she have £6k per month for the rest of her life plus increases each year or is she looking for council funding?

A Residential home or sheltered housing are the obvious options. Both allow/enable residents to come and go as they please.

It all depends on whether she will be self funding. If she is she can choose a home that suits her wishes. If not she it's extremely unlikely, based on your description, that the LA will fund a place.

One of my Aunt's asked to move into a residential home when she was 87. She had a bedroom, a sitting room and ensuite. My sister showed her 3 homes and she chose one of them. She could go out and 2 or 3 of the residents would sometimes go for the short walk to the market with a carer and go for a coffee there maybe buy some strawberries then walk back. The home she went to also had a minibus that took residents out on trips most afternoons if she wanted to go. A hairdresser went in once a week and she could book to get her hair done. They also had entertainment twice a week in the evenings. She paid for it herself and they did not take residents who were ill as such just frail and who didn't want to live alone. My sister and I often went to see her and take her out for a cream tea. One lady had a cat who was taken in to see her each week. One of her old school friends lived there too. If they became ill over time they had to move upstairs and then they had more care workers dealing with them. My Aunt used most of the proceeds of the sale of her house in a little over 3 years but she enjoyed it there and they looked after her well. She also had savings so could have paid longer if she'd lived longer.

Not only will a care home let her come and go, if she has capacity they legally must let her come and go.

However.

If in generally good health she won't qualify for funded care and will have to self fund.

Care homes are variable, but most aren't a great environment for people who are still both physically independent and fully with it. Because that's not what they're designed for or the staff are used to. There tend to be wanderers, and night shouters, and rigid timetables, and a decided lack of coherent conversation at mealtimes..

In sheltered or extra care housing she would have both more private space and better company.

If she would be funding herself, then she can choose to do this. If she needs help with funding from the LA, then they will need to be satisfied that she needs residential home level care. In either event the home cannot keep her prisoner! - although I am sure they will ask her to let them know when she comes and goes.

It sounds as though she is wanting company really and to shed the bother of shopping, cooking, paying bills, organizing house maintenance etc. - and who can blame her! Places are available where she can live in a flat with social facilities and food on site. But unfortunately places are often hard to come by - essentially you are waiting for someone to die.

I think Age UK is your best bet as you need advice from someone with local knowledge.

There are various options. As mentioned above Extra Care might suit her. There should be someone at the hospital in charge of discharge planning who will know what the local options are.

I came here to say exactly this, but no need as this is spot on.

Kudos to your mum for trying to take charge of her own needs.

She's said what she wants, and it's a safe option. Not like she's insisting on going home alone when she can't cope.
Just becuase she seems like she's able to you doesn't mean that she feels able.

You can't really disagree with her about what her care needs are, she saying she can't cope and she's not being unreasonable about her expectations.

Care homes are SO expensive I wouldn't encourage it in this situation unless she has literally limitless funds or a short life expectancy.

If I were you I'd get carers in her own house.

If she's determined, book her in for a fortnight's respite stay. That way she can test the waters. She sounds quite independent ent and I think a week or two in a care home would make her realise shes not quite at that stage yet.

If you can self pay there are some amazing homes around. Essentially like hotels where you have your own suite, come and go as you please, but don't need to clean, or cook, have 24 hour attendance, regular healthcare etc etc. They have cafe's, room service. But it costs a lot!

Care homes aren't prisons!

I volunteer in a care home and my Mum and FIL were both in care homes - different ones for respite for Mum, and my FIL lived for several years in his home.
I’m afraid for many residents, this is exactly what they feel like. Residents have very little agency over their own lives, ime. I would explore alternatives with your Mum, op.

The greater the amount of care available, the more expensive the home. There would be no point paying for a home where someone can wash and feed you, if you were fully independent. You need to start researching what’s available in your area, and what your Mum’s finances will allow. Social services won’t pay for a level of care that she doesn’t need.