She’s cancelled the carers 😕

[Donm999]

DM, late 70s, lives alone. In poor health generally, lots of lower level health issues, doesn't really leave her bungalow anymore. Things seem to be getting worse. Doesn’t take care of herself, eats terribly, doesn’t look after her place/washing up was constantly piled up etc.

Finally got a package of care in last November. DM has then constantly moaned about having people in the house etc.

Invoice came through yesterday; DM has decided she can’t afford it ongoing and has now cancelled the carers completely.

Feeling both annoyed and upset, and dreading the switch back from moany phone calls about carers to moany phone calls about how the place is a mess, she’s barely eaten all day etc. Not to mention the ‘joy’ of sorting her place out every time I go down again.

So as not to drip feed; the relationship is highly challenging, with the expectation that I should be constantly doing stuff for her, with no appreciation. I’ve pretty much been the parent since my teen years. Phone calls and visits are basically her talking/moaning at me on repeat. No local family - apart from my not-so-DB who does sweet FA and nothing is expected of. I work long hours and have a small a child and live 40 mins away.

unfortunately all you can do is be really clear about your boundaries. Tell her how often you will see her and that you do not intend to spend visits doing jobs. Remind her she cannot take her money with her and you would prefer she spent it on help than rely on you forever. She will take from you whatever you will give but it is your choice.

Well, what would happen if you refused to do any of it? Visit perhaps but not anything else? No cleaning or tidying. Maybe bring basic food for the fridge so her essentials are dealt with but nothing more?

Does she get attendance allowance? That could pay towards carers so she might feel they are more affordable.

That’s so disappointing and frustrating Donm. Mum cancelled the person I’d engaged to give her her pills. I was really cross and upset. I simply wasn’t prepared to go round every single day morning and bedtime and discussed with her GP, who did a risk assessment and decided that her pills weren’t essential and could be dropped for the time being. It’s not the same, but if your mum knows what she’s doing she will have to deal with living in a mess. You CouId counter every moan about mess by saying “do you want me to get the carers back in?” and if she says no end the conversation. (I understand you may not feel able to do that given the history).
Can you cut back on the visits and calls at all? It doesn’t sound like you “owe” her anything.

@NoImRightYoureWrong yep she gets attendance allowance. Thanks to the massive form I’ve now filled in twice for her!

She doesn’t have lots of money, but what she does have she manages badly. She is in debt (which they don’t seem to take into account when means testing, so expectation is she pays a good chunk towards care) and spends money on stupid things like on QVC (see why my blood pressure is raised!!) or take away Costa being delivered. But yes, in theory the AA should have covered most of the carers. She just doesn’t value the help, and can’t be arsed to look after herself either!

@greenbeansnspinach lol I think I might need to save the get the carers back in card for the undoubted future moans!! Thanks.

Although no doubt that will then turn into ‘You know I couldn’t afford it’. Then if I argue back she will get stroppy and hang up (which at least will end the phone call!)

Would she consider a reduced package of care ? You don't mention how often the carers were going in ?

An unpopular opinion perhaps but you don't owe your mother anything. You have your own life, you've been helping her, you've organised professional help also, what else can you give her? There has to be an element of personal responsibility here. I hope to god that when I'm at that age I don't behave in such a way to put so much pressure on my only child.

You just have to hold your boundaries - it sounds like she knows fine well what she’s doing.

Would she prefer a regular cleaning blitz rather than carers? That way you aren’t cleaning up when you go down.

However I would try getting her to agree to having them back on a reduced package. My relationship with my Dad wasn’t especially tricky, but when he said he would cancel the cleaner after my mum died I did say well that’s shame because I won’t be visiting then. That did work..

Your DB made the right decision I’m afraid.

You need a ton more boundaries. Why are you doing all this? Don’t answer the phone to your mum. You’ve let a really poor relationship develop by not saying no.

Do you have or can you get power of attorney? It will help if she deteriorates and you need to pay a carer.

@Dymaxion She had twice a day every day.
I am going to have another go at suggesting a reduction but still having something in place. Don’t feel she’ll go for it but at least I’ll have tried (again!).

@Goawaytina yep some level of personal responsibility would be nice; in her eyes, it’s always twisted to be someone else’s fault!

@JCLV I don’t have POA at the moment. To be honest, I’ve held off as don’t really want to take on managing her messy finances and dealing with her over it. I currently get out of that somewhat by saying she needs to call/ deal with X because I can’t. The second I can she will happily expect me to spend hours on the phone calling her bank etc every time she’s mucked up her money (which is never her fault fyi, always the bank’s 🙄)

For those (many) of you who are suggesting sticking to boundaries…I’m trying lol. I do have some, refuse to be down there every 5 minutes etc. I’ve got a lot better over the last few years having begun to recognise some of her controlling ways better.

However, it’s a really tricky complex emotional situation when dealing with your mother and also being the only one to do it. Part of me would like to just cut ties. However, I don’t feel I can live with the sort of person that makes me! She also was a fairly doting mother when I was young so there is a feeling of responsibility there too.

This is really common. However it might be worth looking for a cleaner instead. Lots have experience with older people and will help with washing, errands etc. Much cheaper too if you can employ direct. I did a similar role for numerous older people and it always worked well. You have to set boundaries though. Even one visit a week is too much right now. Back off and see how it goes. Plus a slightly mucky house isn't the end of the world. Her standards don't have to be the same as yours. Also, AA is only about £90 a week which doesn't go far for carers. Honestly look for perhaps a older lady to help your mum, it often works better. Some agencies endlessly send different people every visit and many of us wouldn't be happy with a parade of strangers coming through our homes. Eventually she may need a lot of personal care and then try asking agencies what their policies are regarding sending different people. Good luck.

I really feel for you OP. I’ve experienced similar with my DM and sorry but I do not have the solution. She cancelled carers I had arranged, cancels visits when we are already on the motorway, says nasty things on the phone if you don’t agree with her etc but in my mums case she has mobility problems but otherwise could keep her house clean and cook for herself so that was something. Rightly or wrongly in your situation I would keep on insisting that your mother has help because she needs it and you can’t/wont be there to do it all.
Also try to get power of attorney if you can but this might not be easy as she probably won’t grasp what it’s for.
Could you get her to the GP to see if there’s something cognitive going on.
Sadly there is a limit to what you can do so you also need to take care of yourself. Eventually I have ended up no contact for four years with my mum who is now in her nineties. It’s not a situation I would ever have thought I would find myself in, it’s against all my principles and we were very close for decades. But here we are.
Wishing you luck. I found phone calls didn’t work well, communication was better in person.

If she’s stopped the carers then she may not be entitled to Attendance Allowance anymore.

@Donm999 my df is 93, has a career once a day ( a compromise, we wanted two a day) who just gives him his meds. He refuses any personal care.

What I soon realised was if df saw the invoice he wanted to cancel. I asked the care company to change to sending his invoice by email because df rarely looks at his emails now.

Like your dm though he complains constantly about having a career and then rings up if the carer is running late. It would be funny if it wasn’t so frustrating.

You have two choices, continue to do her bidding, or don't. Everything else is just decoration.

We've had a similar situation with my DM and DB who live together. They expected one of my Dsis to care for them, even said my DB should move into her house! Both have high level care needs, can't look after themselves, can't look after each other. We've put in carers and cleaners and Dsis and I have agreed if they cancel them, they are on their own. DB lost his house and refuses to look for his own accommodation and behaves like the lord of the manor. It sounds harsh but in this day and age DM the money to pay for care and we can go back to being daughters and sisters. I said at the time if I get disinherited good I've shown my DD that women shouldn't automatically assume a caring role.

This is not true.

They are. My very well off MIL pockets around £400 a month and doesn't spend any of it. FIL with stage 4 cancer does everything.
The system is bonkers.

Yep you’re right. Kind of wish it was in a way!
Problem is it’s given without any ring fencing. DM has now got used to spending the AA on other and easing the financial pressure.

@kessiebird family sucks sometimes!
Agree there is an automatic assumption that the woman will do the caring role.

No expectations on the sons. DM even gives my useless DB £40 a week to ‘help him out’ even though he’s a 40 year old man living on his own benefits! And yet she can’t afford a carer….