She’s cancelled the carers 😕

[Donm999]

DM, late 70s, lives alone. In poor health generally, lots of lower level health issues, doesn't really leave her bungalow anymore. Things seem to be getting worse. Doesn’t take care of herself, eats terribly, doesn’t look after her place/washing up was constantly piled up etc.

Finally got a package of care in last November. DM has then constantly moaned about having people in the house etc.

Invoice came through yesterday; DM has decided she can’t afford it ongoing and has now cancelled the carers completely.

Feeling both annoyed and upset, and dreading the switch back from moany phone calls about carers to moany phone calls about how the place is a mess, she’s barely eaten all day etc. Not to mention the ‘joy’ of sorting her place out every time I go down again.

So as not to drip feed; the relationship is highly challenging, with the expectation that I should be constantly doing stuff for her, with no appreciation. I’ve pretty much been the parent since my teen years. Phone calls and visits are basically her talking/moaning at me on repeat. No local family - apart from my not-so-DB who does sweet FA and nothing is expected of. I work long hours and have a small a child and live 40 mins away.

Any reply yet OP? This is clearly the way to go eg not offering yourself as the sacrificial lamb.

Sensing a theme here… Then learn from it and don't set up anything for her unless she asks. Take a step back and let her feel the consequences of refusing help.

Re"stealing" - if you keep losing things, either it's you being forgetful, or someone's stolen them. It's much more comfortable to blame someone for stealing them than to admit to yourself that you're losing your marbles.

Long silence…then a text with a moan about carer coming late today (they’re not cancelled until she calls the office tomorrow) followed by;

‘Ok whatever!!’

She is avoiding owning her decision and making a plan for sorting herself out. Think she’s holding out for option d; dutiful daughter will just do it for me. She’s going to have a long wait this time!!

Yes that’s exactly what it’s like; having a second child. In fact, my 5 year old is significantly easier!!

Not sure if she lacks insight or just doesn’t really care. Likely a bit of both!

This is a great suggestion.

Careers are extremely expensive - for good reason - but twice a week is something she probably doesn't want to commit to for the rest of her future if she's not financially well off, so simpler help like a cleaner a few times a week that can do a little household also (washing up / ironing) while she's able enough to not need the health experience careers bring may be a great balance.

A career twice a day @£30hr = £1,800 a month / £21,600 a year

A cleaner 3 times a week @15hr = £180 a month / £2,160 a year

If I've done my maths right, I can understand why she has stopped the career after getting their invoice. Sadly it then defaults to you, but hopefully a reduce career package or a cleaner can alleviate that pressure off you without being too much of a financial burden on her ❤️

If there is no POA then ultimate responsibility for her is with the LA. Ask for an urgent care assessment and get them to put things in place. It’s an uphill battle and they will make her pay or put a charge on her property if she owns any but its not on you OP, as much as they will try to make you believe that.

I’ve had this drama too. Oldsters of a certain ‘type’ love it.

Ignore DM. Easier said than done, but persevere. Don’t cave.

What DM wants is either impossible or bad news for the rest of the planet (you). Meh, Unacceptable. Don’t cave.

A small crisis will set you both back on the right track, and if things get bad, you can call in SS.

Good luck.

An unpopular opinion perhaps but you don't owe your mother anything I wouldnt go as far as that, she’s family, I couldn’t imagine stepping back completely and not coming to the aid of any family member in need. What you don’t owe your mother is to sacrifice your life, health or happiness for hers.

It's hard but you're allowed to care about someone without having to care for them. Yes, remember this.

This is one reason a LPA is useful - the bills can go straight to the attorney instead of scaring the donor.

Leave her to it, if she won't accept carers, let her figure it out herself

Update: Having left her to stew, she has now decided she wants to keep one visit a day going. Phew!

Also, thanks for all the messages of solidarity and ‘hold your boundaries’. To be honest, I wondered if I was being a ‘bad daughter’ but the unanimous verdict of her needing to take some responsibility has reinforced it’s not on me. Thank you 🙂

Or train yourself to say „oh that sounds rubbish, what are you going to do about it?“