She’s cancelled the carers 😕

[Donm999]

DM, late 70s, lives alone. In poor health generally, lots of lower level health issues, doesn't really leave her bungalow anymore. Things seem to be getting worse. Doesn’t take care of herself, eats terribly, doesn’t look after her place/washing up was constantly piled up etc.

Finally got a package of care in last November. DM has then constantly moaned about having people in the house etc.

Invoice came through yesterday; DM has decided she can’t afford it ongoing and has now cancelled the carers completely.

Feeling both annoyed and upset, and dreading the switch back from moany phone calls about carers to moany phone calls about how the place is a mess, she’s barely eaten all day etc. Not to mention the ‘joy’ of sorting her place out every time I go down again.

So as not to drip feed; the relationship is highly challenging, with the expectation that I should be constantly doing stuff for her, with no appreciation. I’ve pretty much been the parent since my teen years. Phone calls and visits are basically her talking/moaning at me on repeat. No local family - apart from my not-so-DB who does sweet FA and nothing is expected of. I work long hours and have a small a child and live 40 mins away.

A small thing but could you take some of her plates, cups, cutlery and pans and leave her just enough for her own use? Then she would be forced to wash up herself and you wouldn't have to deal with piles when you visit.

https://www.mobiliseonline.co.uk/carers-rights

This guide about the law around providing care is very good. Of course what you would like to do and what you can morally do can be different.
I have a friend who declined to care for her father, they didn't have a good relationship and he is 400 miles a way. After alot of pressure from his local SS they have stopped ringing her.

My DHs allowance was stopped when I phoned to inform them we had cancelled the carers. 🤷‍♀️

Having boundaries does not make you a bad daughter op, you can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. If she is of sound mind, she can cancel the carers if she wants. It does not mean you have to pick up the slack. Dont.

See her once a fortnight maybe and spend only two hours cleaning, then take her out for a coffee, nothing more than holding back the tide. Or stop cleaning completely and give her the phone number to arrange a cleaning blitz each time she moans.

Why would that be the case? The needs for which she gets Attendance Allowance haven’t gone away.

I can only suggest there was a mix up in communication and they assumed you’d cancelled the carers because they were mo longer needed, ie the person’s condition had improved. There’s no requirement to be having carers when you apply for AA, no requirement that it should be spent on carers rather than all the other ways of meeting needs.

It sounds to me that she doesn’t need carers so much as a cleaner and perhaps meals on wheels (if it exists in your area).

carers are for meeting personal needs, ie washing the person, helping them dress or undress, helping them use the loo, and preparing a “simple meal” ie putting something in the microwave. Nothing you’ve said implies those needs (apart from the meal). Carers don’t do housework.

You are being railroaded into caring for her full time. This is just the start. Her expectations are not aligning with yours. You need a full and frank conversation, you will not be caring for her, as an adult she needs to make arrangements for herself.

I would pull away entirely - and refuse to do any jobs at all. Just visit for a coffee and refer back to her cancelling the carers on repeat. Do not take on the responsibility of anything.

I'm so sorry that's happened to you. I know how it feels. My mum kept falling over and hurting herself. After 3 months I managed to get someone out, to fit equipment around her bathroom and bed. Guess what happened? After they fitted it all in half a day, my mum told them to remove it all, so they did! The council received a bill for fitting it all and removing it all!!! They rang me up asking what happened?! I didn't know anything until a few days later, so all too late. She continued to fall over until she died. We cannot make them do anything. They know what they want and don't want. Like your mum hates having different people in her home every day.

I really feel for you OP, I had exactly the same with my parents, and then when my dad passed away, even worse with my mum. They lived a 3 hour plus round trip from me, I had two teenagers at the time (now adults), and a husband (so of course wanted to spend time with them) and full time job. It was simply not possible to go to see my parents every week to clean their house, do their shopping and move their lawn/do the huge garden.

Like you I put arrangements in place for cleaning and gardening, but nobody could do it well enough for them and they cancelled. The only thing they did accept as better was shopping that I did for them online then got it delivered. You just have to put boundaries in place and stick to them. We used to go to see them, and I'd take a nice tea (sandwiches, scones, cream etc) and when they started complaining about the house or garden we'd just say "we can arrange the gardener/cleaner/whatever" and stick to that.

It is really hard, but you have to realise you cannot do everything, and I certainly couldn't do things to the standard my parents wanted either. You have to "rinse and repeat" the phrase "I can arrange a ... whatever" but don't step in yourself otherwise you also become unwell and can't function properly and that helps no one.

How is your db off for money?

If he’s comfortable can you persuade him into paying for it as his share of caring for your mum?

Not fair if you’re doing all of the work, but perhaps more fair than him doing nothing at all.

That way the invoice would go to him and each time she suggests cancelling then you can say “that would be so rude to db who is trying so hard to help you “

Was that definitely attendance allowance? There may be different rules for other types of funding such as personal care budgets, but AA is based on needs, not on spending.

Whether you had carers coming in or not would have been irrelevant information for them. You only have to inform them if your care needs change, not if the care you get changes.

Based on what she says (lays on thickly!) on the regular moans, she is completely incapable of doing anything.

Based on what she’s then says since having carers, she doesn’t need any help and it’s all an inconvenience (and they don’t anything except the washing up according to her…basically I think she just turns down the help once they’re there).

Have chatted it through with my DH and think we’re going to try and push her towards getting a cleaner in a couple of times a week.

Oh, and have already tried meals on wheels. Set it all up; she moaned about it for 2 days then made me cancel them. Sensing a theme here…

Goawaytina · Yesterday 21:23
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An unpopular opinion perhaps but you don't owe your mother anything. You have your own life, you've been helping her, you've organised professional help also, what else can you give her? There has to be an element of personal responsibility here. I hope to god that when I'm at that age I don't behave in such a way to put so much pressure on my only child”

I agree.

Are we related?! Lol.

I think you’re right about the phrasing on repeat - due to years of conditioning, whenever she moans about stuff I going into instant guilt that I’m not doing enough! Need to instead to push back to offering to sort arrangement…not do it for her.

So am attempting firmer boundaries. Sent text earlier suggesting she either reduce care right down or get a cleaner twice weekly. Pointed out she gets £400 a month attendance allowance that would more than cover it.

She replied with ‘All they do is wash up!’

I then sent ‘Then it's either wash up yourself, keep some carers, or get cleaner in who also washes up. Have a think and let me know which option you want to do x’

No response so far. Will await the rant…!

She’s cancelled the carers. Her choice of course. Let her take the consequences. She is of course expecting you to fill the gap. Really, it’s manipulation. Just say no!

My mother tried this on me. I said no, I think you need a cleaner, that’s what your AA is for.. She will probably demand to know why (mine did). You could say it’s too much for you with work and family, health, whatever, make up a reason even. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

If she chooses to live in a mess and not look after herself, that’s totally her choice (you’re welcome). She has AA. If she doesn’t want to use it or spend it, that’s totally on her.

I don’t know what to suggest about the moany phone calls ugh, though apart from limit them in frequency and length.

Finally, the brother thing. Seems to me these kinds of parents seem to appreciate those who do least for them. A kind daughter meanwhile is treated like dirt, simply used (and/or abused).

It’s hard to go against years of conditioning. But I’m going to say to you same as I said to another poster in a very similar situation: no one is forcing you to do this. No one has a gun to your head. Your mother (presumably) has capacity and she is choosing to live the way that she wants to - with you jumping to enable it.

would you expect your own daughter to do the same?

Great that you’ve taken the first step to set firmer boundaries. As the pp says, when you next visit, you go to visit - not to clean, sort, tidy, skivvy around. Take a cake. Have a cup of tea. Make polite conversation. Offer help to put arrangements in place, and no more.

or don’t visit. This is also your choice. as is getting into text conversations, phone calls etc.

Seems quite common with some men. DH and his brother the complete opposite, they've took the load off their sister. But my DB oh my! Anyway we've sorted it now and have to keep with the push back. They keep implicitly accusing the carers and cleaners of 'losing' things. I find the items pretty quickly. It's hard but you're allowed to care about someone without having to care for them.

My DM has attendance allowance, she only had carers for a short period six years ago and not since. She's only had carers and cleaners for a few weeks, as I thought my poor Dsis was going to have a breakdown so we had to do something. I was furious with DM and told her that. 'don't do that to MY sister' kind of conversation 😂

Sadly this happens a lot (I’m a social worker with elderly adults ) I would suggest reducing the package of care , say one visit a day or every other day and having a cleaner and someone to support her with shopping .
As difficult as it is you have to be firm that you cannot offer her more support now the carers have been stopped and really stick to it. Many of my clients lack insight when it comes to how much their adult children should do for them - they can be very selfish and almost revert back to children themselves. I wish you all the best, it’s not an easy situation.

My Dad gets AA and my understanding is that it’s to help ppl with medical conditions continue to live independently, but no one dictates what it has to be spent on, I.e., whether it’s carers, cleaners, taxi to a hospital appointment, etc.

My Dad has Meals on Wheels from a local charity (luckily they’re really good meals) and a fortnightly cleaner/light housekeeper who does washing up and his washing . Unfortunately, he sometimes cancels his cleaner, especially when I’m due to visit 🤣 so everything piles up. I think he needs a weekly clean, but he refuses.

He enjoys shopping and can walk to a supermarket so that’s not an issue for him.

It sounds as if your Mum needs something similar, carers twice a day might be too much.

Check out the website Out of the FOG. Try and get her to sort things out herself. eg. You will need to speak to the carers about that, for example

I’ve worked in benefits and this shouldn’t be the case (depending how you’ve phrased it). It’s about the care you need and do not get or may not get.
Unless you’ve said something along the lines of you can manage, you don’t need the help or he’s better- if they can cancel it then they will. Reapply.

OP we had a lot of this- care being cancelled and money being spent on deliveries, sometimes it’s so the elderly person gets some interaction. A chat - even a delivery driver. Had a housebound neighbour take on my dog’s huge parcel of food once (I was mortified). She told me to always get it sent to her as she was lonely, she had a natter with the delivery driver and then with me. So from then on I always made sure to pop over to chat to her, pop her a Sunday roast. Would your mum accept one of those volunteers that pop in and have a chat etc. Our local authority runs a scheme like this. I’ve no idea how you access it though….

Awful situation, very common.

Next time she phones, I'd stop her before she says anything and say: I feel very unwell, please call DB, goodbye.

You do feel unwell, due to the stress she is causing you.