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Elderly parents

Fil jeopardising mil care home place

78 replies

MafaldaHopkirkRules · 18/01/2024 09:16

Hoping for advice. Mil has dementia and is at the stage she is incontinent and no idea of her name and who other people are, just a familiarity. Fil refused to get her diagnosed or any help until he became unwell last year. She had carers from the council but it wasn't enough.
Eventually last autumn fil had a fall and was hospitalized for a month and social services found Mil a home. The home said she was so bad she was moved somewhere more suitable not far from their home.
In the meantime fil was diagnosed with parkinson's and discharged from hospital. There house is unsuitable for both of them but he's determined to change nothing, stay there with no carers.
He's adamant that mil must come home. There's no lpoa and her social worker says this will not happen.
Sorry this is so long. However fil who shouldn't be driving as he's not informed the dvla that he has parkinson's is going to the home daily and taking her home and she gets very distressed.
The home called a meeting with the family, fil didn't come because it was too early!, and social services who said he can visit as much as he likes but he must only take her out of the home once a fortnight and accompanying by another family member. All seemed resolved.
Until last night when dp spoke to his dad and the same day as this meeting he went to the home and took mil back to his house for the afternoon.
If you've got this far, we're at our wits end. What is likely to happen? Will he be prevented from seeing her? Could she lose her place at this lovely home, council funded? And then what? Does anyone have similar experience? Tia

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 19/01/2024 10:20

MafaldaHopkirkRules · 18/01/2024 17:29

He wouldn't want outside help. Dp and his siblings visit him multiple times during the week. He has always been very independent and often dps siblings would go to him for help with things. It's a major adjustment for him but it was really upsetting to see him causing mil so much upset

Are his DC able to ask him for help, or at least, advice now? My DF was the person in the family everyone relied on, he was used to being the expert. When DM died, he was able to continue that by applying his expertise to renovating machinery in an industrial museum, but once he lost most of his physical capability and his cognitive abilities declined, being able to do things for people is what he missed most.

Your FIL possibly viewed himself as the carer and protector of your MIL (even though not an adequate one), he is now being ordered around by everyone. Could you start asking his advice? (You don’t have to take it) I know at the moment he is the “baddie”, causing harm to MIL, but he has needs too. And trying to fulfil his needs, as @Saytheyhear says, might be the route to helping MIL

TheShellBeach · 19/01/2024 10:23

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/01/2024 10:20

Are his DC able to ask him for help, or at least, advice now? My DF was the person in the family everyone relied on, he was used to being the expert. When DM died, he was able to continue that by applying his expertise to renovating machinery in an industrial museum, but once he lost most of his physical capability and his cognitive abilities declined, being able to do things for people is what he missed most.

Your FIL possibly viewed himself as the carer and protector of your MIL (even though not an adequate one), he is now being ordered around by everyone. Could you start asking his advice? (You don’t have to take it) I know at the moment he is the “baddie”, causing harm to MIL, but he has needs too. And trying to fulfil his needs, as @Saytheyhear says, might be the route to helping MIL

These are good points.

BreatheAndFocus · 20/01/2024 08:57

MafaldaHopkirkRules · 18/01/2024 10:44

He's surprisingly on the ball if he thinks you're taking something. I suspect he may have other car keys cut. Car is about 25 years old

Get someone knowledgable to ‘break’ the car by removing battery leads or whatever (sorry - not technical myself so don’t know what you’d remove). If he then takes it to the garage, explain the situation to them and get them to tell him it’s unsalvageable. You can then hopefully persuade him that the price of a new car is shocking, even secondhand ones, and it would be far more sensible to book a regular taxi for visits

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