FIL started being unkind to DGC

[Starrydream]

This is a bit long, sorry.

This is about my FIL(86) and my DS(8), so his DGC. FIL does fairly well for his age although he has started to slow down a lot. Nothing significant, just age-related decline with some forgetfulness and getting muddled. MIL died years ago.

FIL has two DGC - the other DGC(7) by SIL. FIL has started being unkind to my DS but not the other DGC and I don’t know whether to ignore it, politely call him out on it etc.. DH gets annoyed but doesn’t say anything and says to ignore him.

Examples:
DS was sitting on the sofa next to me watching tv recently when FIL suddenly started almost shouting at DS “you need to grow up; you’re an adult now and you need to act your age. You’ve been stuck in this stage for two years now and you need to stop it and grow up”. Then he said “all you ever do when you come around here is break thing’s, smash them and it’s not acceptable. You need to grow up.”
He repeated the above two statement another two times. I was wtf and too shocked to speak. DH was in another room watching the football and didn’t hear. DS later said he had no idea what grandad was talking about but said he sensed he was being told off.

For context - we have absolutely no idea what FIL is on about. DS has NEVER broken or damaged anything, and the growing up comments I think stem from when DS was about 6 he had a big tantrum when we were leaving (out of character) and FIL still brings it up nearly 3 years later.

Secondly, DS won the end of year Best Progress prize for his y3 class last July. We were so proud as he has struggled with possible dyslexia so DS took the certificate to show his DGF the next day and he looked at it and then said to me “well that’s surprising given how he is” and he sat down and picked up the tv remote. DS looked so sad at his DGF response and later cried when we left.

Yesterday we visited and DS did his times tables homework while we were there. FIL started on at him that if doesn’t do his homework and try hard then his younger cousin will overtake him and be better than him at school, especially now that his cousin is at an independent school. He said it several times. DS later cried when we were at home.

We visit every week and FIL usually starts telling DS when we go to leave that he is an adult now (at 8!) and he needs to behave himself and not have a tantrum (all because of one tantrum he was 6).

I am getting really irritated and annoyed with FIL but I don’t know if I am overthinking it, but DS gets upset at all these comments as he’s a sensitive child. I’ve said FIL is getting old and sometimes they say things they don’t mean but I’m also annoyed with DH for not politely telling his DF to stop with these comments. I’m at the point where I really don’t like FIL anymore.

DNephew has also recently moved to an independent school so FIL now tells DH and I all about nephews ‘superior education’ and that DNephew will likely overtake DS now academically even though he’s a year younger.

I think in this situation you need to tackle your son first;

Take him for a hot chocolate and a chat somewhere quiet and explain the whole thing. Grandad isn't very well, as you've been saying, but a huge positive conversation about how brilliantly he's done. Plus a shed load of examples of tales of celebrities, sports personalities and so on who've got dyslexia, look how well they've got on. I can see great things for you DS.

Remember that things will get very very sad in the future so remind DS of fun and nice times in the past he's had with his Grandad.

Secondly, a big long talk with DH about taking his Dad for a chat with the GP, or supporting his Mum to do that. It sounds like you've got a hard time coming. Dementia is a bastard.

Oh and I hope your DS can still manage to get on ok with your DN. Tell him at least he won't have to go to Saturday school or whatever! 😉

It could be the ‘forgetfulness’ is actually has been the start of dementia and this is getting more pronounced: nd could be confusing your dc with his own dc when they were younger..the comments about dc being ‘almost an adult now and to grow up’ point to this.
My aunt thought I was her daughter, she called me her little girl..kept giving me pennies for the ice cream man..I was 28. My mil was the2 same with our eldest dd.
DH needs to advocate for his son, if he won’t then I would intervene and pack up and cut the visit short. And I have done exactly that. “Time to go “.
Your DH should suggest his dad sees a doctor,
I would cut the weekly visits down too.

Don't take your ds to visit again and tell your DH why

For God's sake stop taking your DS there! What's the matter with you?

Like others have said it sounds like the start of dementia. Your poor ds and poor fil as well as it sounds like this is totally out of character

Obviously don't take your son there anymore and explain to ds why. Also dh should make a gp appointment

This

Given that he's always been gentle and lovely, I think it's really important that you talk to your son and explain that something is now wrong with his grandpa, and that he doesn't really mean the things he's been saying.

Encourage your son to remember the grandpa who was kind and loving to him, and explain that that is the real grandpa. The grandpa who was always proud of him and loved him very much.
Explain that while he's ill, you won't be visiting him, because grandpa is finding it stressful and difficult to talk properly to visitors, but that dad will still visit to make sure he's okay and see if the doctor can help him.

I would hate to ever hurt my grandchildren or for them to have upsetting memories of me, so I really hope that that is what my DD would do in these circumstances.

@Starrydream
Please let explain to your son that Granddad is poorly and not thinking straight so he didn't mean any of what he said. Unbreak that poor little boy's heart. Please

His behaviour is nasty, but OP has made it clear he’s not a nasty man.

Remember if you are unfortunate enough to get dementia, it could be you behaving like this in later years.

Yes,this.

I had a great aunt who was given to unpleasant comments. My mother left me in no doubt that, not only were her comments unacceptable, but they had no validity whatever. Make it clear that you are absolutely on his side. Keep him from unnecessary visits, but give him the armour to cope with chance meetings at family events. Don’t turn grandfather into a bogeyman to the extent that your son is scared ever to meet him.

Sounds like dementia op I suspect he's confusing your own son with his the fact he said you need to be an adult to a small child is very telling. I would get intouch with the doctor.

I'd stop taking ds tbh. My mum was abusive to me as a child and then when an adult. Once my son got to about 12 she started on him. So he stopped going with us. If he came it was rare, about twice a year so mum stopped as it was rare treat that he visited her.

It's not easy I admit that but you do have to protect him..start by cutting down to every other week. If he carries on on fil can't see the correlation then I'd cut it right back for a while.

If he has been fine before and its a personality change he needs to see the gp as well

Possibly dementia, that needs looking at although he’ll probably resist.

But I promise you this is affecting your son and wiring his brain wrong, even once crying when home. He is learning that he can be abused like that and it’s ok as he sees mum/dad not stop it/remove him protect him so his brain tells him that’s acceptable behaviour and wires him for future abuse. He will remember when older and it’s so so damaging.

Did you not immediately think, op, that a new onset severe personality change and saying things which don’t make any sense, at the age of 86, might, just might, be connected to dementia? You didn’t even mention the word in your op…

Stop taking your son to visit this nasty old git. If you must, call they guy out on this shit EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

and WTF is your husband doing about this???

If it's a personality change it may be dementia.

Doesn't alter the fact that your son shouldn't be exposed to this, please dont take him anymore.

There's clearly not much being gained through this relationship so I'd stop taking son, it's horrible for him and obviously making GF het up as well.

I think people saying it's obviously dementia - well, maybe when facts are presented like this, but when it's someone you know, you might want to write off the odd outburst as a bad ten minutes rather than assuming it's the start of dementia.

Maybe your son could make pictures or letters for his GF instead, mainly for his own benefit, rather than cutting the relationship off abruptly.

My Grandad was like that with me as a child. I don't have many memories from that age but do remember this and my Dad standing up for me. Please don't subject ds to any more of this.

It's so so difficult. Your DS is probably old enough to understand the 'grandad isn' t himself' talk. That will help DS recover from any hurt he is feeling and to understand that he is not at fault.
My DM went through a phase of really not being kind to DC. I cut down the visits and kept them very short when we did go. Never left DM and DC alone and took charge of conversation when it looked like it might be going wrong.
We're now about 7 or 8 years on from that phase and DC, now teen, has no memory of it at all! It's amazing how resilient kids can be when things are explained.
It's a horrible thing to have to deal with - good luck, and I hope your DS recovers from the hurt.

Please do not take him to see father in law any longer. That relationship is well and truly over. Your job here is to protect your son, something that his father is failing to do.