FIL started being unkind to DGC

[Starrydream]

This is a bit long, sorry.

This is about my FIL(86) and my DS(8), so his DGC. FIL does fairly well for his age although he has started to slow down a lot. Nothing significant, just age-related decline with some forgetfulness and getting muddled. MIL died years ago.

FIL has two DGC - the other DGC(7) by SIL. FIL has started being unkind to my DS but not the other DGC and I don’t know whether to ignore it, politely call him out on it etc.. DH gets annoyed but doesn’t say anything and says to ignore him.

Examples:
DS was sitting on the sofa next to me watching tv recently when FIL suddenly started almost shouting at DS “you need to grow up; you’re an adult now and you need to act your age. You’ve been stuck in this stage for two years now and you need to stop it and grow up”. Then he said “all you ever do when you come around here is break thing’s, smash them and it’s not acceptable. You need to grow up.”
He repeated the above two statement another two times. I was wtf and too shocked to speak. DH was in another room watching the football and didn’t hear. DS later said he had no idea what grandad was talking about but said he sensed he was being told off.

For context - we have absolutely no idea what FIL is on about. DS has NEVER broken or damaged anything, and the growing up comments I think stem from when DS was about 6 he had a big tantrum when we were leaving (out of character) and FIL still brings it up nearly 3 years later.

Secondly, DS won the end of year Best Progress prize for his y3 class last July. We were so proud as he has struggled with possible dyslexia so DS took the certificate to show his DGF the next day and he looked at it and then said to me “well that’s surprising given how he is” and he sat down and picked up the tv remote. DS looked so sad at his DGF response and later cried when we left.

Yesterday we visited and DS did his times tables homework while we were there. FIL started on at him that if doesn’t do his homework and try hard then his younger cousin will overtake him and be better than him at school, especially now that his cousin is at an independent school. He said it several times. DS later cried when we were at home.

We visit every week and FIL usually starts telling DS when we go to leave that he is an adult now (at 8!) and he needs to behave himself and not have a tantrum (all because of one tantrum he was 6).

I am getting really irritated and annoyed with FIL but I don’t know if I am overthinking it, but DS gets upset at all these comments as he’s a sensitive child. I’ve said FIL is getting old and sometimes they say things they don’t mean but I’m also annoyed with DH for not politely telling his DF to stop with these comments. I’m at the point where I really don’t like FIL anymore.

DNephew has also recently moved to an independent school so FIL now tells DH and I all about nephews ‘superior education’ and that DNephew will likely overtake DS now academically even though he’s a year younger.

Your FIL is bullying your son. If your h won’t protect him then you should. I’m surprised that you still take ds to see his bully weekly- I would have stopped that years ago. Even if it’s medical, ds shouldn’t have to tolerate that shit.

"He's never broken anythjng, you must be getting mixed up with someone else fil"

? Would that not be the obvious response

Has your SIL noticed this behaviour too and does she have concerns? It'd be good to get everyone on board to tackle this so that it doesn't give FIL a reason to further single out your son and family when you confront it.

Are you certain he isnt doing the same crap to the other gc, is he around him as often as your child is? You need to stop the visits for now at least, he is damaging your childs self-esteem and its inexcusable to keep putting him in that position.
Agree with pp that he needs a medical check, has your SIL noticed no changes in him at all?

Well, it might be dementia, or we could be just a bastard, but the problem is why on earth neither you nor your husband are standing up for your son!?! The first time I get shock/not wanting to ruffle feathers but every bloody time. Seriously op, your son needs to know his parents have got his back and see what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. You are teaching him that bullying is acceptable & will be brushed under the carpet and his feelings are not worth the fight. Poor kid.

As others have said, the obvious thing is to have an immediate, firm word with your FIL. I wouldn’t inflict him on your poor son for now either. Just for info, my mum started this with one of her GC and it did turn out to be an early sign of dementia so defo worth a GP check too.

Do not have this man bully your child. Completely stop going there. if there’s a problem, your DH and his sister can deal with that. It sounds like he might be getting confused but you cannot expect an eight-year-old to be able to understand or cope with this. It will just wreck his confidence.

There may be a combination of things here. FiL needs a check up at GP. Possible early dementia or a UTI. Whatever it is, I'd stop the visits for a while for your son's sake.

does your FiL rant when your husband is in the room?
either way you son is as people have said, the punchbag,
nor should schooling styles be a competition, why is FiL
being an adjudicator

I recall my FiL saying the most awful things to me
but never, ever in my husband’s hearing.
He was a deeply unpleasant little man but I found relating
his verbal attacks and my feelings difficult when I knew my
then husband didn’t want to believe it.
I stopped visiting, let husband go alone, children didn’t
enjoy duty visits to be greeted by such hostility, which is
what your hapless son is experiencing.

I wonder, does he know exactly what he is doing

He is old and crotchety, your son is 8 and vital, protect the young

You should have stood up for your son and told your FIL he’s wrong and he’s not to speak to your son like that! Sorry OP but I can’t believe you let that happen and kept visiting. Don’t put your DS in that position again, he’s 8 he needs you and his Dad to protect from being put down and spoken to like that by a family member.
I definitely would not be visiting for the foreseeable and your DH should be speaking to his Dad to explain why and/or helping him to see a doctor.

Definitely sounds like dementia and does he perhaps see your DS more than the other GS? I would however be staying away if he’s making your son cry.

Ffs you don't "stand up" to someone who has vascular dementia. They are not doing anything on purpose

The FIL in the OPs posts hasn't been diagnosed with vascular dementia though.

Don't take your ds to visit again until your fil has seen a doctor

Which is why I wasn't quoting the op!

My step had has started to be mean to my mum on occasions. It’s definitely age related and she calls him out on it every time. He is still very loving towards her but seems to have lost the niceties and nuances of speech that he always had.
For example they were looking at a packet of pitta bread, trying to work out whether they could freeze it. He was adamant it couldn’t and he called her a silly woman. She pointed out the freezable sign on the packet and he just muttered that he hadn’t read that bit. Mum understands that it’s age related and copes admirably. I think if he spoke to our grandchildren that way, they wouldn’t see him again.

Has your FIL always been nasty or is it new?

Has FIL has lost some of the inhibitions that keep us from saying inappropriate things?
Your DH needs to retell him some of the things he said and say firmly that it was mean and made his grandson cry.

If FIL has lost the ability to understand and to regulate his behaviour then have DH visit alone.
It is better that your son rememeber FIL when he was kind. He doesn't deserve to see someone who grumps at him.

Dad! Not had

Keep your son away from him and tell your DH to speak to him.

Look, whether it's dementia or he's just an arsehole, it still doesnt mean your DS should bear the brunt of his behaviour. I would suggest your DH assists him with a GP appointment but tbh, if he refuses there is not much more you can do at this early stage.

Aside from that, I wouldnt be going round there for your son to be an emotional punchbag. It's not ok. I'd be leaving this to DH to sort out, it's his father and he needs to address it. But either way, I wouldnt be taking my son over there to be constantly verbally abused- what's the bloody point of that?- it's not bringing either your son or his GD any pleasure whatsoever- his presence simply angers him causing him to implode and your son is often in tears. Stop going over there, it's distressing everyone.

I have an uncle that used to do this. No dementia - he was just an arsehole. Turns out he was doing this to more than one of us, but never with someone else as a witness. Karmas got him now - he’s been cut off by everyone as they have reached adulthood. Serves him right.

I don't say this lightly, but if your DH wants to visit his dad, he now needs to go alone. A weekly visit for your child who is his grandfather's verbal punchbag must be purgatory for him.

If your DH isn't prepared to have it out with your FIL, then he can't complain about you and your son staying home.

I agree that it might be dementia, but whatever the cause, the priority is to protect your son.

My poor DGM went a bit like this. All her life she had loved children, bought them little toys and books, took part in a Volunteer reading support scheme in a school after she retired. As she became more unwell she changed completely and seemed to become resentful towards them , always thinking they were being noisy when they were playing perfectly nicely, and so on. She had no relationship with her great grandchildren because of this and they have no fond memories of her. It’s very sad. In her case it was dementia.

He's a bully.
An adult bullying a child.
By standing by and not stepping in verbally or blocking contact you're enabling your child to be bullied.

It is really damaging and you will need to address it or stop visiting.