FIL started being unkind to DGC

[Starrydream]

This is a bit long, sorry.

This is about my FIL(86) and my DS(8), so his DGC. FIL does fairly well for his age although he has started to slow down a lot. Nothing significant, just age-related decline with some forgetfulness and getting muddled. MIL died years ago.

FIL has two DGC - the other DGC(7) by SIL. FIL has started being unkind to my DS but not the other DGC and I don’t know whether to ignore it, politely call him out on it etc.. DH gets annoyed but doesn’t say anything and says to ignore him.

Examples:
DS was sitting on the sofa next to me watching tv recently when FIL suddenly started almost shouting at DS “you need to grow up; you’re an adult now and you need to act your age. You’ve been stuck in this stage for two years now and you need to stop it and grow up”. Then he said “all you ever do when you come around here is break thing’s, smash them and it’s not acceptable. You need to grow up.”
He repeated the above two statement another two times. I was wtf and too shocked to speak. DH was in another room watching the football and didn’t hear. DS later said he had no idea what grandad was talking about but said he sensed he was being told off.

For context - we have absolutely no idea what FIL is on about. DS has NEVER broken or damaged anything, and the growing up comments I think stem from when DS was about 6 he had a big tantrum when we were leaving (out of character) and FIL still brings it up nearly 3 years later.

Secondly, DS won the end of year Best Progress prize for his y3 class last July. We were so proud as he has struggled with possible dyslexia so DS took the certificate to show his DGF the next day and he looked at it and then said to me “well that’s surprising given how he is” and he sat down and picked up the tv remote. DS looked so sad at his DGF response and later cried when we left.

Yesterday we visited and DS did his times tables homework while we were there. FIL started on at him that if doesn’t do his homework and try hard then his younger cousin will overtake him and be better than him at school, especially now that his cousin is at an independent school. He said it several times. DS later cried when we were at home.

We visit every week and FIL usually starts telling DS when we go to leave that he is an adult now (at 8!) and he needs to behave himself and not have a tantrum (all because of one tantrum he was 6).

I am getting really irritated and annoyed with FIL but I don’t know if I am overthinking it, but DS gets upset at all these comments as he’s a sensitive child. I’ve said FIL is getting old and sometimes they say things they don’t mean but I’m also annoyed with DH for not politely telling his DF to stop with these comments. I’m at the point where I really don’t like FIL anymore.

DNephew has also recently moved to an independent school so FIL now tells DH and I all about nephews ‘superior education’ and that DNephew will likely overtake DS now academically even though he’s a year younger.

This. And stop taking your DS to see him. He doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that.

You say he's "started" which makes it sound like it's not always been that way.

Is it out of character for him? Does he behave in other ways differently to how he used to too?

If it is new for him, coupled with the behaviour you've noted and the decline in other areas I think his son needs to visit him, alone, and gently talk to him about approaching the doctor. It could be something as simple as a urine or chest infection making him confused or it could be something like dementia. Either way it needs following up on.

If I were there I'd probably say nothing at the first outburst. But I would have been ready for the others, I'd reply, stop being rude otherwise he's not going to want to visit you anymore. If he carried on regardless, then I'd stop visiting with my son, and send husband to visit his parents alone. If they asked where we were, husband would explain, they're not coming because dad is rude to my son. There had to be consequences for actions.

Him"You need to grow up you are an adult now"
You"What are you talking about, he is 8"
"Him.... breaking things"
You"You seem very confused, what exactly has he broken?"
Him "Seeing how he is"
You "He is wonderful and has been rewarded for best in class, that is how he is"

Why are you letting this nasty old man bully DS?
Stop going, you are showing your son he is less important than an bully!

I can't believe that you just sit there and say nothing while your FIL shouts at your young son! Why on earth wouldn't you say something and leave immediately? Stop exposing your child to this nastiness. Does your FIL have dementia? He sounds irrational.

Why are you continuing to put your son in these awful situations? If your husband wants to see him, he can go on his own.

Why the hell did you just sit there and not stand up for him and even bigger than that why have you taken him back. His behaviour is not ok. First time should you should jabe stuck up for him and after been told sorry GF mind not right and it isn’t ok and that you will talk to them. There shouldn’t have been a second time this happened, if there was I would have just stood up and left immediately.

To be clear - this is new behaviour. FIL has always been a lovely, kind and gentle person - he is not historically a nasty person at all.

A carer friend has just said that it sounds like the start of possible dementia too. As the first outburst was in July I’d say it’s highly unlikely to be an untreated UTI because he’d be really ill by now I would think.

I will speak to DH and he can speak to
his DF as we won’t be visiting again.

I’d be worried he either has dementia or a brain tumour. Either way he’s a nasty bastard and no way in hell would I be taking my child round there anymore.
Why is no one sticking up for the lad? Neither you nor your husband are telling him to shut his mouth? Wtf??

My grandfather behaved similarly and did seem to pick out certain people for his behaviour. It was pretty strange as he was always such a lovely man. He took a bit of a dislike to me for a while and everyone was confused as we were very close. I could sense something wasn't right.

He was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's a few years later.

Is your DH's sibling a sister and always been Grandads favourite golden child and now he's taking favourites with Grand Children?

I wouldn't be taking DS back, let DH visit on his own and if Grandad asks, tell him DS is scared of him and all his shouting.

I’d definitely be suspicious that this is dementia, especially with your context of him having always been a good man before and the fact it’s such weird outbursts.
what do you say when he starts verbally attacking your son?

This just how Mil’s dementia started. She became argumentative, lost her social inhibitions, and obsessed over incidents from the past.

Ah yeah it sounds like dementia for sure then.

He needs to see his doctor and it's definitely the right thing to stop visiting him as it doesnt sound your FIL is enjoying the visits either since it is causing him to get irrationally angry at your son. How sad all round- such a cruel disease.

As soon as you said he was always a lovely , kind and gentle man then dementia popped into my had.

my gran was always the same and slowly she started saying horrid , mean and hurtful things which was the beginning of dementia. Eg you are too fat to wear that outfit, why are you still married, why does he put up with you. I was so so upset that my kind, caring granny could say such hurtful things!

at first we called my gran out on it , tried to make her explain herself but we soon realised when we did that she got upset because she said she would never say anything hurtful like that… which was previously true.

you need to protect and stand up for your child. He is 8.

Your poor son.
I hope you have done all you can to help him understand that his gf likely would not have meant what he said and is likely unwell (explain in as much detail as age appropriate).
You don't want him to internalise those insults any more than can be avoided. 😪

I wouldn't be exposing my child to that behaviour. It's incredibly damaging for children and I don't think your son is old enough to fully understand if there's something wrong with grandad to make him behave that way.

Dementia does sound like a possibility but this also sounds fairly selective so maybe he is just being mean and nasty.

Your husband has to speak to him and tell him to cut it out or you won't be visiting. Your husband can go alone.

Please stand up for your son and don't let your FIL speak to him that way.
My Mil is a narcissist and I regret not standing up for my kids. I was always worried about confrontation. My MiL withdrew attention towards my dc when my sil (her daughter) had a child. I still remember when my ds who was 9 at the time, asked me what he had done to upset granny. I asked him why he said that and he replied that he didn't understand why she didn't want to see him anymore.
Thankfully we are NC (for a lot of reasons) and my ds is much better for being away from all that toxicity but i will never forgive myself for not standing up for them when I should have.

Two separate issues here. I suspect your father is in cognitive decline. Second your son is being treated abysmally by someone in cognitive decline. Separate out the issues and deal with them separately. Don’t bring your son to his GF. That relationship is over now, it is too emotionally damaging for a child to deal with. Get your DH to bring his father to the doctor and raise some of these issues.

I’d never visit again, easy. But I would also have pulled him up on it.

Your poor little boy and that poor old man being called a nasty bully by so many on here when clearly he's in the grip of dementia. Keep your son away from his grandpa for a while by all means as visits sound awful but I wouldn't leave it there as your son may well be internalising all these insults. Explain what his grandpa is going through and that he doesn't mean what he is saying. There are lots of children's books out there to help.

No more visits. He sounds unwell.

This. It sounds like possible early signs of dementia. My Gran had Lewy Body dementia and completely forgot who me and my sister were. In the end she couldn't remember my Mum, her only DC and called her nurse. Keep your boy away from him.

I agree that you keep your DS away from him and that your DHs family support his dad to go to the GP for an assessment. It definitely sounds like the start of a dementia of some kind.
It's really sad but you need to protect your son. Tell him that you think grandad is behaving that way as he's not well so he won't see him for now but it's not due to any fault of his (DS's) own.

Dementia- classic sign to have suspicions and back stories about motives and intentions of innocent family members.