So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Have you actually bothered to read any of this thread or the previous one, or have you just jumped in with your judgmental comment?

I care for my father, not by choice. I was kind of tricked into it.
My sister was meant to be his full time carer as I have a job & a young daughter to focus on. She let me down in a big way & im doing it all on my own with no support.

I'm extremely depressed and exhausted.
I'm doing everything for someone who I spent years trying to get away from. I built a life of my own and he's here with his feet under the table, taking up all my space. He has his dog at mine too, the hair makes me so low because I have to hoover every single day, it gets everywhere! He's dying so I wasn't going to deny him his animal but at the same time I regret it.
Had I known the impact this would have had on myself and my child, I would have said absolutely no in the first place.

He's not like my dad anymore, he's turned into a miserable old man. Even his breathing gets under my skin, he's always in the way. It's so cramped in my house now.

I've reached out for help but he isn't considered ill enough to be eligible.

I've asked family and friends for help, or to have him stay a couple of nights to give me a break, no one wants to help.

I know it's not forever, but it's hard to stay positive when your in the thick of it.

I've become isolated from friends, I've lost weight, I've started self medicating.

I just don't know how to keep going

Can I ask why?

@JellyWellyBoots , that sounds hellish. I'm so sorry. I want to offer solutions, but I know that all of us here feel bombarded by solutions from 'fixers' who have no idea of how complex things are.
So I am asking a few questions but I fully appreciate that you will have probably been through these options already:
Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? What you're feeling is completely understandable. I don't mean a pill will take it all away. But it might open up a conversation.
Are you registered with your dad's GP as his carer? I don't know if this is universal, but I found that when I had that piece of the jigsaw sorted, the surgery was more interested in my wellbeing, if only to ensure I would be there for my mum.
Last (possibly annoying) question - are you doing anything at all to look after yourself? When people blithely say, look after yourself, I often respond by punching them in the face
In my mind.
However I have a tiny routine that helps: I set an alarm and I have 10 minutes alone with a podcast. If mum needs me in that ten minutes, then it gets rescheduled but it happens.
I'm sure other people will be along with more concretely helpful suggestions later but in the meantime, we hear you.

A year on from our nightmare Christmas things were so much better this year. Boxing day last year DM walked out leaving DF alone as she couldn't take the physical threats, sundowning and shadowing anymore. She phoned every family member telling us all she wanted to die. DF in her absence wandered out the house into an elderly neighbours looking for DM and searched her house. Christmas day had been miserable and DM began asking us to not visit as it sent DF into a rage.

Today was calm but strange as you can't help but remember what we all went through last year.

I'm taking DM home tomorrow as she's been visiting with us and my DD is taking her to visit DF in the care home, I don't want too see him over Christmas I can't explain why but I'm just going with how I'm feeling.

@popularinthe80s I haven't spoken to my gp about this, but I am on 2 types of anti depressants, one is to help me stay asleep (insomniac)
This has triggered my issue with food, to the point I've dropped at least 2 dress sizes.
My boss asked me if IM ok as every time she asks how things are I assume she's asking about DF.
I practice yoga and write in a journal each day.
I've noticed I've become really obsessive about cleaning, I keep nagging at him to tidy up after himself as I'm fed up of clearing up after not only DD but now DF.
I'm sick to death of people telling me how well I'm doing and to 'keep going'. These are generally the people who haven't got a fucking clue what it's really like.

I also find a lot of people like to offer advice but when it comes to physically helping, they aren't available.
I wasn't able to visit my relatives this Christmas like I'd planned because no one would come and dad-sit. He said he would be fine on his own but the man nearly burnt the house down the other day, ok it was just a mince pie left in the microwave that he had put on for half an hour and 'forgot about'. The house was full of smoke.
When I told him I wasn't going away, he said he was looking forward to some time to himself......charming eh?

If I ever try and explain to him that X is annoying me and can he please do Y, he will deny or argue the point. It's more effort that it's worth so I just get on with it.

I want to be happy and remember these last few months in a good light, but it feels never ending & im slowly crumbling away.

This post is a life line.

Was thinking about this thread and patterns within my own family.
Mum's side
Great grandmother lived into her 90s with dementia and other health conditions. Lived alone with my nan visiting, then moved in with my nan. This was early 1980s. My nan died about five/six years after her mum. No carers really needed.
My mum (who was a shit mother to me) is in her 80s, multiple health conditions, no dementia though. I'd be very surprised if she didn't live at least another decade with carers.

My dads side.
I only ever remember his mum/my other nan being bed/chair bound and being looked after for years by my dad's sister who lived with her mum. Dad's sister didn't work, never married, and was a full time carer to their mum. When their mum died, my dad became his sisters carer as by now she had all kinds of health conditions as well. She also died about five/six years after her mum.

I never had a grandad, they all died before I was born. There's only me and my mum left in my family and thankfully she lives at the opposite end of the country to be so my caring duties are limited. My husband has two elderly women (his mum and her sister) he will be responsible for. They are also at the opposite end of the country though. All three of these women are in there 80s with very poor health.

I think there is a pattern of carers dying early.

Just googled and yes, it definitely appears to be a thing. Caregiver shortens your own life.

@Kendodd I can completely imagine that caring shortens your life. That history of care giving in your family is so sobering to read. People being pulled down by the responsibility.
@JellyWellyBoots you're clearly doing all you can to look after yourself. What you need is for this to be over. And some people to offer actual help rather than just platitudes. I'm so sorry.
@Tara336 I think going with how your feeling rather than questioning it is often the best thing.
I'm scrunched up on mum's spare bed with a UTI. Hoping she stays asleep for a while so that I can rest. I have had better times.

I felt like I aged so much due to all the worry and stress.

I’m pretty sure it put me into an earlier menopause. The constant mental physical and emotional demands are exhausting. I really miss DM but I don’t miss the worry. I still can’t believe that she’s gone. We waited and expected it for so long, it’s so odd to for it to have happened. I think there’s something about that delayed expectation that messes with your mind. Perhaps evolutionarily we’re not adapted for extended caring. In the past things took hold pretty quickly I would think? Though death when it comes is never easy and despite the horror of the last 2.8 years, I’m very glad we got that extra time with DM. Despite all the exhaustion and constant sadness and suffering. It just would have been nice to know when it was going to happen. That would have made things easier. It’s the not knowing when it would happen that was the hardest part.

I had a Google, apparently caring is costing us 4-8 years of life expectancy. Who would want that for their own children? Also women do the main bulk of caring from the ages of 40-69, men pick up the slack at 80+ years old (husbands). I read that to mean that in most cases daughters are doing much more caring than sons, and it’s taking years off us.

@SinisterBumFacedCat "These threads!?!" Erm no, this is the first thread I've come across of this genre and the first where someone has said anything like what is in the title. I've every right to comment my opinion just as anyone else does

@LonelynSad and your comment let us know your user name is apt.

Yes, just as I have every right to comment on your grammar, or, were I to meet you, comment on your appearance and bodily defects. But when you live in a society there is a time and a place for everything. And a support thread is not the place for your comments. Start a new thread if it means so much to you.

Yes, you do have the right to comment.
So now you've read more of the thread, what do you make of it?

My question was directed at @LonelynSad

I've recently read every single response to your original post and am glad you started the thread. I've had four years since my Mum was given a formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's and I'm still on this hellish journey. I dread my phone ringing and don't even answer unknown numbers now in case it's about her. I had a difficult childhood with both my parents and had very low contact with them. Alzheimer's has dragged me back to a place I don't want to be and I'm sick of having to sort things out. Power of Attorney is another poisoned chalice as effectively you work for free. I work full time but also do freelance work as an artist. I've had to mostly drop that as I have no time as travelling to my parents is a 3-4 hour journey each way. I've also seriously considered suicide due to the stress of it all as an only child. Other extended family members on my Mum's offer no emotional support whatsoever even though I've posted on Facebook about how stressed I am.
Yes you're absolutely right about doctors throwing everything modern medicine has to offer at the person with dementia. My Mum is now in a care home, has to have everything done for her, is totally unresponsive yet the carers still find ways of shovelling food into her mouth. In the meantime my step dad is at home creating chaos and then expecting me to sort it out.
I hope you eventually manage to recover from what you've been through but I doubt if anyone really does.

On the 13th January it will be a year exactly since I had to have DF sectioned I think that's why I'm avoiding visiting him. I feel immense guilt that I had to do that, logically I know I had no choice we desperately needed help but I still feel traumatised from the whole situation. I read back text messages where I was begging for help, was told the emergency MH team would contact us in 48 hours and me texting a week later saying they've still not been in touch.

I had forgotten/blanked out that myself and DM had to lock ourselves in my car for safety because DF had threatened us again. A few days later he tried to burn my face with a lighter.

I'm glad I kept the messages and emails it reminds me how bad it was, how scared of him we were (including professionals who visited saying they felt intimidated). I don't know how long this will go on for but DF looks physically healthy now he's in a home and seems as strong as an ox but mentally he has deteriorated even further.

I guess I'm practising a bit of self care avoiding him, he wants to hug me when I visit, I'm not comfortable with that. DF has never hugged me, even as a child, never said he loves me, now it doesn't feel natural it feels more for his comfort then him doing it because he cares

@AgitatedGoose my heart goes out to you. Four years is so very very long. I felt suicidal at times during the 2.8 years I did with my DM and she was a very kind and loving DM. It was looking after the rest of my family and their health issues which meant I could never catch a breath combined with all DMs needs.

I really hope both these two meet a swift and painless end. People have no idea how it brings you to your lowest ebb. Alzheimer’s is the worst for this because the person is alive but without any kind of meaningful life. I’m not sure why they are kept alive.

Sorry I should rephrase what I wrote, I didn’t want to die but I wanted to crash my car or similar so I’d be incapacitated and wouldn’t be responsible for DM or any of my family anymore. It’s a sign of immense exhaustion.

Do you get anything or any place to go to for some kind of peace or restoration for yourself?

My councillor would ask me what can I do to get some relief. It was a hard question to answer because the brutal truth was most probably death. Even though I didn’t want DM to die. But caring was incredibly sad and exhausting with as you say, never knowing when a phone call would come. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Constantly anxious, time/life suspended.

DB described DM as a millipede as so many shoes did drop…

I am some years I think from really needing this thread as we are at the start but I hope it’s ok to join.

I don’t like my parents (emotionally neglectful childhood, DV etc). They are in their eighties and both starting to have memory problems. My dad in particular is very selfish. But I have to do my duty culturally and will do what I need to do till the end. I have difficult siblings so arguments will ensue no doubt. I am dreading the future but am glad I have seen my kids off to university.

I can’t say this in real life; I envy friends who are close to their parents, but I also envy those whose elderly parents have died. That sounds awful I know.

I am dreading the future. Thank goodness for threads like this and my thoughts go out to everyone.

@RescueRespect you are more than welcome. My DF has always been distant and a very nasty bully, it has been a hard time especially as my DB has not been helpful at all and has distanced himself from the whole situation. Part of me understands as he also was bullied badly by DF who saw us as an inconvenience in his life

Its very hard when he's nasty and staff at the home state it's the dementia talking, it's not it's DF and who he is, the only difference is that now he doesn't hide how he treats us, before dementia he only abused us behind closed doors.

I dont know when I will visit the home I haven't been since before Christmas, I might wait until after the anniversary of him being sectioned. Last year was one of the worst of my life I spent 8 months battling social services to get DF out of the MH unit and into a suitable care home, clearing junk from DPs house and helping get it into a liveable condition while also living 130 miles away, run a business and attempt to keep my own health condition balanced.

I am dreading returning to work tomorrow (I work for DH) as I deal with the public and the abuse we take from rude entitled people is awful (I had one call me useless in a review on Google as I was off dealing with DF and didn't respond quickly to his request) it also means my rest is over and I will once again have to begin work sorting DPs house out as DF was a harder and was refusing to redecorate (lounge not decorated since 1980s) I have promised myself that I will not allow this situation to take over my life in 2024

@RescueRespect I have a few friends who had great parents and adore having them at home looking after them.
My parents were selfish alcoholics, my family home was like a war zone and yet they expected the children they neglected to wait on them hand and foot. It's a rubbish position to be in.

Goodness. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond already. It must feel very invalidating when the staff say it is the dementia talking.

whilst I resent my mum for being emotionally neglectful, she has had the burden of living with my dad for decades. I really hope that he dies first so she can experience a couple of years at least without the demands of that narcissist.

good luck for your year ahead. X

Poor you. I am from a culture where we are expected to care for the elderly at home. But there are so many reasons why this will not work for me.

@RescueRespect I kept my family at arms length for years. My mum told us she was very ill, carers in, wanting our attention for 12 years! I found out she was lying about her dementia after a long chat with her Dr and carers. She was very old, bored and bitter about life. I had to block contact a year ago.