So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

@Badfurcut AKA Poochypaws, glad you've updated us on the thread, I had been thinking about how you were doing.

Condolences to you re your mum, it sounds like that phone call knocked you off your feet even though you were probably praying for it to come. I was exactly the same. When it actually happens it can knock us sideways in ways we didn't expect. I'm with you on the shit sibling front too, I've not spoken to my sister since my dad's funeral and doubt will again apart from updating her on legal stuff.

It will hopefully get easier for you as the months pass and after you wade through and deal with all the deathmin. Be kind to yourself and thanks again for starting this highly important discussion back in August. X

My mum is still in hospital. She's been there since May. Doubly incontinent, poor cognitive ability and immobile. She caught covid and I thought that might finish her off, but no. She then stopped eating, drinking and refused medication. I thought that was it but no. She has no poa and a couple of weeks ago the social worker advised me to apply for guardianship. I haven't done anything yet because I'm simmering with resentment that I'll have to and it'll cause no end of hassle with my deadbeat brother who lives in mum's flat and has access to her bank account. Then the tin lid moment was when my 'special' cousin who mum adores but who hasn't visited her since August was disappointed that mum wasn't home yet. Mum will never go home. She exists only.

Thank you for the new thread @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew . The first one and this are such a bastion of wisdom, support, empathy, understanding and kindness.

My dad, who was a lovely man, died extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. A massive heart attack at 70 took him instantly. It was devastating at the time and awful. But now - I just think, thank Christ, thank Christ, how lucky for him. He wouldn't have been a good patient. I can see what's coming along the track towards me from other quarters and am so thankful that he (and, somewhat selfishly, I) was spared from that.

Especial good wishes to you all dealing with these desperately cruel situations. Christmas and the expectations of (often notably uninvolved) others can really make this a cruel time of year. I hope you have at least some moments of happiness and joy for yourselves. xx

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I was in a similar situation recently - applying for Deputyship to manage my Mum's affairs.

The solicitor I spoke to told me the wait time was 18mths to gain Deputyship. We gave the solicitor the go ahead to start the application but it hadn't actually been submitted when my Mum died.

If you think your Mum might die before the application is completed I wouldn't bother starting it tbh. You do get a refund of the application fee if the person dies within a month of applying for Deputyship.

If your Mum has a Will then that will take effect when she dies, or the laws of intestacy will come in to play if no Will.

How is your brother accessing your Mum's bank account?

@Badfurcut thank you. You speak so much truth and so well. I wish you healing.

In that case, I’m well on my last legs

From what Ive read, favourite time us in the small hours, when metabolic rate is at it’s lowest. Don’t know whether that’s affected depending on whether you wake up at 7 or at 12.

I don't have children, by choice, and sometimes wonder if people can't compute the idea that their kids might feel like this one day about them, so they block it out. I think everyone is aware of their parents’ failings and makes sure they avoid them with their own DC. They therefore truly believe they have been good parents, and can’t imagine their own DC feeling the same way towards them, quite unconscious that in avoiding some mistakes they have inevitably committed others.

Eek… its. Too late to edit

@MereDintofPandiculation

Oh I wasn't thinking of any parental failings!
Just the idea that one day your child might be in this position.

@Badfurcut I just wanted to say thanks for so eloquently putting into words, exactly how so many of us feel. I’m sat in hospital car park procrastinating coz I can’t be arsed going to to drag any sort of convo out of my DM who is lying sleeping most of the time. Her social worker is assessing her for discharge back home with a full care package. The thought of this fills me with utter horror as she’ll only be back in hospital again soon. She cannot cope. In her lucid moments even she says so and would prefer a care home. I’m at the end of my tether. I’m done in. I just want to get on with living life before I too succumb to old age.
I could actually cry at the thought of the burden of responsibility and worry if my mum is discharged home.

I feel quite lucky that I only had 12 months of coping with DF between his stroke and eventual death - but looking back I don’t know how we coped - it was exhausting - I know I’ve blocked out the worst bits but found posting on here incredibly helpful
Big hugs to all who need them especially at this time of year
DM Alzheimer’s is getting worse and whilst she is still in own home with some paid help - we still have to do quite a lot - just off there now to deliver a food shop, drop off presents from her to other family members which I’ve had to shop for and wrap - then will take her out to garden centre for lunch - before I go home n sort my own Xmas prep out - plus look after Dcat who is recovering from recent accident

Sorry! Just seems to me on MN that nobody has had good parents, they're all alcoholics, narcissists, emotionally unavailable, selfish, uncaring, not there when I was struggling with DC, trying to elbow in on DC, totally uninterested, have no boundaries, etc etc

I'm not too agonised about FC ending up in a similar position, maybe because they're pushing 40. They don't seem quite so vulnerable. I will of course try to make things easier for them. I've already done LPA, and an inventory of the possessions so they know what they're throwing away.

I had wonderful parents. They both died quickly.

My sisters, however, are ghastly.

Can you tell them you believe it's an unsafe discharge and that you're not going to be on call for any reason?

I’m in a similar situation @Witchyblankets - everyone keeps talking about a care package in own home when I think it should be a home. Own home is not safe and self-neglect is stark when they’re alone, they’ve had a few respite stays with family and always revert at home.
I’ve held my line on not being able to have them stay (end up living) in my home now there’s such a decline and we’re at respite stage but I welcome any experience others can share of dealing with the system.

After todays visit, there is further evidence to support her going to a care home rather than her own home. I will be standing my ground on this.

The prevailing thinking amongst adult social care workers is to keep people in their own homes as long as humanely (!) possible and as long as the person concerned expresses a wish to stay at home and they are deemed to have enough capacity to make that decision.

So all you can do is record/document any unsafe incidents and use them as examples as to why you do not support your relative returning home. Put it in writing too. I get the impression that the closest relatives/NoK/PoA not supporting a return to home also has an impact that is taken into account, although it's always taken in the context of the whole picture and not necessarily a veto.

Caveat being I am not an expert but this is the message I got during a recent social worker assessment of my mum.

@MereDintofPandiculation ""I'm not too agonised about FC ending up in a similar position, maybe because they're pushing 40."

Not sure what connection age has? It seems to be a hellish experience regardless of age.

Hi, May I join? I’ve read this thread and I admire you all. You are certainly stronger than I am.

I am bracing myself as I will be in a similar position at some point and am now just starting this journey.

@funnelfan @Witchyblankets my mum should have been in a care home, SW was very direct to us, it is cheaper to keep them at home with care package, zero quality of life, if you want a care home you must fund it yourself. My dad would not sell his house to fund it. Finally the hospital refused to discharge her home again because she was back in within weeks so discharged to care home, she died a few days later. It isn't easy to get a care/nursing home through LA in my mums area or it seems privately from what iv read.

My mum already has been signed off as incapacitated by her GP and by the consultant at hospital so my POA has kicked in. Because mum never had a care package in place before being admitted to hospital it’s more difficult to have her discharged to a care home. But notwithstanding that she probably should have had a care package in place as she wasn’t coping. She’s deteriorated beyond a care package now so that’s why a home is safest.

I’d feel more protective of them if they were 10. At that age it’s easier to see their vulnerability

This makes no sense but possibly highlights my point...that sometimes people with children can't comprehend that one day it will be their child having a nervous breakdown over care of elderly parents, or parents living a terrible state for a long time.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I think we’re potentially dealing with environmental health as well and I don’t think we have SS involved yet. I’m trying to tread the line of understanding what agencies require to be done and what various agencies would do if there was no/limited family help.

I’m already exhausted from over a year of watching ‘not coping’ and ‘severe decline’ from someone very resistant to any help from family, after years and years of hoarding, never throwing anything away and compulsive buying of things.

It is very hard for family to help someone who hasn’t accepted they have a problem and isn’t completely without capacity yet - or rather could present as having capacity in the moment to an authority figure.

I've started, but stopped, 'Thanking' posts, because I would end up thanking all of you.
@Badfurcut you write with incredible eloquence and clarity. I'm sure a review of your professional skills isn't uppermost in your mind at the moment, but I wonder if one step towards healing could be for you to write about this?
I've been so angry this week - each time the phone goes with another health professional who intends only to help, I have the startle response. I think it's because I am experiencing what you are all articulating- that smiling assumption that I am here onlye to serve.
I have the right to my life, too. We all do.
@MereDintofPandiculation , I really value your posts and I may have completely misunderstood your point about your son being 40. My brain has the consistency of scrambled egg at the moment. I just wonder if the question is not about the quality of your relationship with your children- you're clearly a marvellous mum; that shines out from your posts. But rather than we ar biologically primed for our own survival, even at the risk of those we love. My mum would do anything for me. But caring for her and navigating the system and tolerating the clinical e people who sometimes create only more confusion and discomfort is eating me up.
Sorry, I'm sure there was a quicker way of saying all of that.