So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

It made sense in the context.

approaching the end of a year I’ve spent on high alert that parent not long to live. I’m exhausted juggling his care and aged mum who lacks understanding and seemingly any compassion at all. Hats off to all of us in this situation & for me now I’m going to think how I can put small changes in place to stop my exposure to so much toxicity & high drama. One for Stately Homes thread…
Also to add how unhelpful a lot of mums support has been… under guise of caring for carer it seems I’m not included there & expected to facilitate & step in even more.
Hope everyone finds pockets of peace & rest over coming days.

@popularinthe80s I think I've completely missed the point about my post too It all made sense to me at one time, but I haven't a clue now.

I think that the post I was replying to seemed to be conveying that sense of the vulnerable - like pictures of kittens in the snow, or children who in later years may have all this to face - you want to scoop them up and protect them. So it was an off the cuff comment that I don't particularly feel that about my tough near-40s who manage the world much better than I do.

I think that was what it was about, anyway

Oh I've just read this thread (and the original) and I'm in tears. It's such a relief to hear that my feelings regarding my LOVELY mum don't mean that I'm evil (which is what I felt like at the time 😢)

Dementia is simply awful to go through as the child of the elderly parent with the condition. My mum was so, so poorly by the end (she died last year, 5 years after being diagnosed and after a huge, dreadful escalation during the pandemic 😢). She wanted to die...she said so on many occasions...and we (my siblings and I) would have done ANYTHING to relieve her dreadful anxieties at the time. It's a cruel, heartless illness. There is only one outcome...and when you're already in your 80s and the love of your life (my dad) has already died, I KNOW that had she been capable of taking things into her own hands, she would have done so and taken her own life.

Instead, we had to deal with the brutality that is dementia care in this country. And it's fucking dire! The majority of her care fell to me...and it was exhausting and futile most of the time. I don't begrudge my mum a second of it, I loved her so much, and miss her (the real 'her') terribly, but I'm absolutely FUMING at the crappy situation as it stands now with elderly dementia care (unless you are independently wealthy then it's shocking!)

@MereDintofPandiculation I think understand. Your adult children are capable, strong, worldly. That's a lot to be proud of.
I think I'm saying that this experience of caring presents a whole new level of challenge. I consider myself a pretty rough 50-sonething. I've had to face a great deal, as most 50-somethings have. I can navigate the world. But what I am facing now is of a completely different order. Nothing has prepared for this. Part of the challenge, for me, is that it's unpredictable and it's only going one way.

Pretty tough 50-something. Though frankly, increasingly, pretty rough, too

I’m nearly 60 and my DC are 30+ DM is in her 80s
when DF was dying in his 90s it hit me badly what my DC might have to go through to help me - they helped with DF and now help with DM
I hope they have learned a lot as have I - and wills and LPOA etc all been done - but I genuinely hope I go younger and quicker for their sakes
Much as I am content with my current life - it would not bother me one jot if it was snuffed out suddenly if it saved them the anguish I’ve had - the inheritance would be helpful too
I love them too much to want this for them - although I know they would also do it willingly

That was very much part of the challenge for me. That it was only going one way. And every memory was bittersweet. Glad she was still alive as she was a lovely DM, really the best, and I didn’t want to lose her but also the exhaustion of waiting for the next shoe to drop and not knowing when it would come to an end.

I remember saying to a counsellor in exasperation one day “how much longer???”

She looked at me with slight horror and I thought “you have no idea do you”. Her parents were both still alive of course and healthy.

Watching someone you love dearly slowly decline, getting weaker and weaker, is the saddest thing I’ve ever had to experience and probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The whole thing is so messed up. Strangely we thought as she’s always rallied she’d be here at Christmas. But then suddenly it happened and it was quick. And she’s not here now.

I do hope you all get the relief you need quickly. I’m so sorry we’ve all had to endure this. I feel pretty traumatised by it all. I hope after a while it lifts.

Yeah, it's the unpredictability of it all that gets me it's impossible to look forward to anything because you're just waiting for something to happen that is going to spoil it. DD and I have a holiday planned to New York, it's supposed to be a post-cancer celebration, but I'm just not convinced it's going to happen because of my DM's emergencies, so I've got none of the usual excitement that you'd have, I'm not going to believe it until we're actually on the plane! Trying to get my business thriving again feels the same, when we're in a crisis phase, I just become so flaky, I feel terrible about letting people down and I'm scared about taking on work because I'm not convinced it's going to happen.

I told DD that I was happy to sign something now to say she could put me into a care home whenever she wanted! She said she wasn't worried because she felt confident that I would move into appropriate accommodation before we got to crisis point. I have always been happy about reaching out for help whereas my mother is very private. My relationship with DD is very different to from my relationship with my own mum, who I never had a great relationship with.

What a horrible thread title

What a pity you haven’t read the thread and understood what it is about. Or, apparently, anything else on the board.

@popularinthe80s I’m not sure where my feelings are at the moment. I’m off the hook to a large part, DF is coming up 5 years in a nursing home. So someone else is doing the heavy lifting. So it’s not so difficult for me

With demographic changes coming, unfortunately, elderly care is all going to get worse. We have a rapidly aging world and even if every penny is thrown at the elderly, there just aren't going to be the people to do the care. Predictions are that in Italy (for example) if current trends continue, by 2050 there will be one worker for one retired person.

@SierraSapphire It’s not just the big things. Never being able to sit down with DH watching the tv and just relax. Thank goodness for nursing homes. Now I only get the big calls “we’re waiting for the ambulance” not “I cannot receive or send emails and we’re Completely Out Of Communication “.

More technology (wearable health monitors, sensors to see if elderly person is moving around), robots, maybe not for washing but for company, may help. Not keeping people alive against their wishes would be a help. And at the other end, prioritising stuff that keeps people active and not an undue burden - it’s short-sighted that the first operations to be ditched are hip replacements and cataract ops. Shifting medicine from preservation of life to preservation of quality of life. The “unhealthy” portion of life has increased along with the increase in life expectancy.

Read the thread before making ill thought-out comments.

Not keeping people alive against their wishes would be a help

Or giving them antibiotics for infections when they're dying of dementia.

There's a reason why pneumonia was dubbed "the old man's friend".

@MereDintofPandiculation I understand.
It's hard for all of us. It's still hard for you.

Just packing up to go and do Christmas at MIL’s. One day I will get to cook Christmas dinner in my own kitchen, but that day is not yet. We can’t stay with her any more- she’s moved downstairs and has a live-in carer - so will head over there with all the stuff, prep the veg and leave it all ready in her kitchen, and then spend the night in a hotel and go over there and cook lunch on Christmas morning. I was up till 12.30 wrapping stocking presents for DD and decorating the cake: some Christmases I manage to be more organised, but not this one!

We will go into 2024 thankful that we are now only being pulled in one direction. I don't think we could have coped much longer with 4 parents between us all with severe and increasing care needs, 2 an hour away in one direction and 2 an hour away in the opposite direction. Now it's just mum with her alzheimers who could go on for years yet (we are already 9 years into the care journey).

How did you get the live in cater? Is it privately funded?

DM is here for Christmas. She has deteriorate mentally and physically since the end of No ember. She finds it hard to walk unaided. Etc etc. you k kw the drill.

@ADCisntme no live in carers.

Sorry, it was @NefretForth who I meant to tag 😳

Hi, we had a care agency involved for quite a while (since 2019) providing regular daily visits, and they also offer live-in care. When it became clear that it was that or a care home MIL agreed to have someone live in. This is all self-funded: fortunately MIL is comfortably off, because I don’t think we would’ve had a prayer of getting the present package through the local authority.

And yet you love commenting on these threads particularly 🤔