So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

@MereDintofPandiculation I wish it was an excuse to see me, its not unfortunately, it really is because he wants me to get him home. My DF has never shown any interest in me at all, only when there's something in it for him.

I came across this thread and wish all of you the best in your journeys. It very tough isn’t it? My dear Mum passed at home last year after a rapid cancer spread. Was completely not expecting it and helped to allow her to die at home. This was pretty traumatic, her death was devastating and I think I ended up with PTSD. She was as Dads carer. He has Lewy body dementia diagnosed a few years ago and since her death he went into care. He has taken a big turn for the worse in the last 2 days. He is virtually unconscious all the time. The care home are looking after him. I am very torn. With Mum I stayed with her several weeks but I just don’t feel I can do this for Dad. I feel very selfish. Dad isn’t eating drinking or awake. I am hoping that he can go quickly and peacefully and doesn’t rally

@Backofthenet20 I think there are a lot of traumatised people out there after deaths at home. It sounds as if your dad is fading peacefully and is no longer aware of anything, I hope it ends soon for him.

Mum has taken a big step down after the last infection but is stable again. I have had to freeze the emotions again to get on with work and home and ds. I do feel lucky that I'm not doing the direct care, it is quite raw enough like this.

In that case, you have to give up the hope that he cares for you, try to see him as an old man who needs care but otherwise has nothing to do with you.

My Dad passed away between 8 & 830 today. Feel guilty for been relieved that he didn’t linger. Not quite sure how I am supposed to feel. Took the day off work. I haven’t cried yet since he died

@Backofthenet20 I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Just try to take it one minute at a time which will later turn into one hour, then one day, etc. Be gentle on yourself...it's very unselfish of you to be relieved he didn't linger instead of not wanting him to leave you for selfish reasons.

You may not cry for awhile, and then out of nowhere you might burst into tears. I try to remember the good memories I have of my dad...he visits me in my dreams and they are always happy dreams. I hope you have the same. Take care.

@Backofthenet20 So sorry to hear your sad news. Please don’t feel guilty for anything. Take care of yourself🌺

@Backofthenet20 So so sorry for your loss. Keep coming back to this thread whenever you need, it really helped me. X

@WhatEverNextNow999
I don’t entertain this. I literally just hold up hand and say, sorry I’m not in a place to to have this chat, bye….

I've been holding my head up high and continuing to go into work, but this person is destroying my soul. They will talk at me for what feels like hours. They have a story to tell about absolutely anything & everything, I could mention 'cheese' & suddenly I'm being told an in depth story about how this person once worked in a cheese factory with their friend Tim. Suddenly I know everything there is to know about Tim, what colour the factory doors were, what car Tim drives.
It's made worse by long pauses and a constant clearing of throat.
Why is this grating me so much? I've got to the point I outright ignore.
I don't fucking need it, some people don't understand how to read non verbal ques that suggest IM BUSY.

And breathe.

@Backofthenet20 So sorry to hear your sad news but please don’t feel guilty. Non of us would want a person to suffer a long, painful and drawn out death which unfortunately so many do. Look after yourself.

@JellyWellyBoots I think it’s very common to feel irritable towards others when you’re grieving. What you need is empathy and support and not other people off loading their shit onto you. You have enough to deal with arranging your Dad’s funeral and dealing with everything else. As other posters have said I’d take a week or more off work particularly if you’re in an unsupportive workplace.

@JellyWellyBoots If they’re not reading non verbal cues, then give them verbal ones. Say explicitly “I’m busy, I don’t have time to talk” with as much or as little softening of the edges as you feel able at the time. It may feel rude, but it’s preferable to being driven to “FFS, piss off!”

Some people can’t read non-verbal cues, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re bad people, but they have a difficult time in life.

@Backofthenet20 It’s a funny time, just after you’ve lost someone. I think “I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to-feel” is your brain’s anaesthetic to get through the first few days. Don’t push anything, go with the flow, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Sending you love @Backofthenet20

We found out about Dads death early on Friday. We had a planned weekend away with my grown up son and his fiancée. They had already set off and everything is paid for. We have decided to go away too today. It feels a bit disrespectful but I know Dad would have said to go. We don’t live close to our son, so this is something we will not do for some time. My brother is in the same position of having a booking that they would lose and also has gone. I think some of the optics are about how others expect you to be. I think one thing death has taught me is to do what you are able to. Experience and spend time with loved ones. Yesterday was a real cluster though. I loaded up the car with things for charity and forgot to go. I rewashed clean bedding by accident. My head was a shed and all over the place. I also found out that my Mums cousin passed away after an accident due to a head injury. Very sad news. I still haven’t cried. I appreciate every message from you and have taken a lot of comfort from you all and your stories.

@Backofthenet20 Has anyone registered the death? It's supposed to be done within 5 days if there isn't a postmortem.

@Backofthenet20 I'm so sorry for your loss

I’d love to know if that is being adhered to these days. When DF died just before Covid, it took that long to get the piece of paper signed by the doctor on the ward. The paper that you have to take to the registrar to get the death registered. I seem to remember several days of ringing the bereavement team at the hospital and them being very apologetic but not being able to get hold of the doctor as they were always in surgery and never around when the office was open. It was a strange few days when we couldn’t do anything.

@Backofthenet20 So sorry to hear your sad news. I understand your feelings.

We haven’t had the death certificate yet. We will get it registered early next week

I was involved in this for the first time in my life, and was shocked at how little time you had to do it!

@Backofthenet20 💐

It's normal to feel a bit numb/stunned at first

In my area the doctor sends the initial form to the registrar and they phone you to go over the details.

Mum died early in the morning, the hospital emailed the form to me and the registrar by the afternoon, and they phoned three days later. The registrar had looked out mum’s birth and marriage certificates before the call, so she had most of the details already.

it was really straightforward.

For those grieving, I found Cruise really helpful with online support. There are a few questions, then short videos on topics like “I don’t feel I’m coping with my grief”

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

The content varies depending which areas you’ve said you are struggling with. Also a support line to chat to them.

Sending condolences to those who've been bereaved. It must be a strange time when the end has taken a long time to come.
My DM is still going. Months after the 'end of life pathway'. Haven't been on MN much because it just feels as if this may never end. I am starting to wonder what will happen if I die before her. I'm only in my 50s but it really feels as if I'm being ground out of existence.