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Elderly parents

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JellyWellyBoots · 22/02/2024 15:51

I'm not an executor per se, he never sorted out appointing one! There is so much mess to clear up.

user14699084786 · 22/02/2024 15:55

@JellyWellyBoots my understanding is that if there is any money/assets in his estate it is paid out of that, if there is no money then its written off. You as executor/beneficiary are not personally liable.
But like PP said - get on with cancelling any ongoing liabilities and subscriptions.

JellyWellyBoots · 22/02/2024 15:58

I take it most peoples parents prepare for their own death?

SeriouslyAgain · 22/02/2024 16:03

Ah, so he didn't leave a will? That's a bit more messy (you poor thing - it's a nightmare having to deal with so much 'stuff' as well as grieving). Basically even without a will, whoever is dealing with the estate is legally meant to ensure that the money that's left first of all goes to paying off debts and only then can what is left can go to the beneficiaries. So the debt doesn't die with the person.
Is there money to pay the debts? If there isn't, obviously there's nothing that a creditor can do in reality because they can hardly sue for money that doesn't exist.
If there is money in the estate, the debts do have to be paid.
Are you administering the estate on your own or is there a solicitor?

SeriouslyAgain · 22/02/2024 16:16

If it's any consolation at all, you're not alone. My DF certainly didn't prepare for his own death!!
To be fair, he did leave a will, but it was a stupid and rubbish will, and literally everything else was a total mess. I was just finding disasters everywhere on a weekly basis. I don't think I ever actually grieved him because there was just so bloody much to do and I was so bloody angry with him for dumping me in it! I'm sorry you're going through it.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 22/02/2024 17:17

@JellyWellyBoots aside from the sadmin pains how are you doing ? I'm glad to see you pop up again as I hadn't seen you for a while abd wondered how you and your Dd are getting on. Has the dog situation been sorted ?

OP posts:
JellyWellyBoots · 22/02/2024 17:58

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I keep meaning to 'pop by head in to say hello' as I think about you and the rest of the group on this thread often, how it made me feel less alone & that I wasn't going crazy.

To be honest my heart is broken, I miss him but the old him. If someone said they could bring him back for another 6 months but as he was, I would say no. & so would he!!

Life went from being to overwhelming to silent overnight. I didn't realise how stretched I was. It was a horrible and painful 6 months for all involved, I watched the only parent I have become a shell of themselves. I watched them give up in every way possible.

He was ready to go that day, I got to say goodbye. I knew as I walked away that was the last time I would see him. I couldn't visit his body, too painful.

I feel lost without my dad, we had our differences & a difficult past but I love him unconditionally.

I have the dog, the aunt got blocked on all platforms. I've learnt a lot the last few months, that I really don't need to surround myself with anyone who drains me.

My abusive-addict ex partner has kindly waited for my dad to die to start harassing me again. There's no fucking respect.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 22/02/2024 18:05

They know just how to twist the knife these abusers don't they. You've been so strong and I'm sure once all the admin etc is finished you abd your lovely girl will be able to take some time out together abd slowly begin to remember your DDad as he was before. It's a cruel business getting old

OP posts:
Hoplolly · 22/02/2024 19:06

Had the call today, DM is very near the end - problem is there's just no knowing how near the end. She could go tonight, she could go in six weeks. So I've been and said my goodbyes (she's not really awake) but wondering how many more times I will go and say my goodbyes. Kind of hoping she slips away tonight.

JellyWellyBoots · 22/02/2024 19:13

@Hoplolly I think that's one of the worst parts, the 'not knowing' when it will happen. What is wrong with your DM if you don't mind me asking?

SeriouslyAgain · 22/02/2024 19:29

Oh gosh Hoplolly. I hope that whatever happens, it's peaceful.

SeriouslyAgain · 22/02/2024 19:31

So sorry to hear how crap everything is Jelly. Why do dicks always have to be more dickish just when you're at your lowest ebb.

MissMarplesNiece · 22/02/2024 19:44

@Hoplolly. My DM is also at end of life - it's a matter of time, days not weeks. It's very tough.

Hoplolly · 22/02/2024 19:49

I'm hoping so @MissMarplesNiece

The good thing is she's peaceful, no pain, just asleep all the time now. One of the kinder aspects of a dementia death versus something like cancer.

Hoplolly · 22/02/2024 19:51

@JellyWellyBoots She has Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's. Diagnosed at 63ish, she's 70 now. It was a very fast progression though so she's been late stages for maybe three years now and certainly didn't really know who I was all the time from about a year before that.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/02/2024 21:05

SeriouslyAgain · 22/02/2024 15:39

@JellyWellyBoots
Anyone owed money can ask executors of a will to pay the outstanding debts of the deceased out of the deceased's estate. That's also a reason to make sure things like Internet /TV type accounts are closed down as soon as possible - so that payments don't keep accruing.
Having been an executor myself, I have to say I felt that it was a really big responsibility.

There’s a specified order, isn’t there? Something like funeral first (which is why banks will release funds for funerals, because they have highest priority if there isn’t much money in the estate), then tax, then creditors?

Hoplolly · 23/02/2024 10:00

I'm so stressed feeling like she could go on like this for months. Called care home, she's the same today, hasn't eaten at all because she's asleep all the time. They're leaving her in bed today - moved her to a reclining chair yesterday but she can't sit up, think it was easier for the staff to keep an eye on her. I just wish I knew realistically what sort of wait we are in for now.

Hoplolly · 23/02/2024 10:01

PS I am SO grateful for this thread where we can be honest without judgement. I've been on it a while but I had a name change recently.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/02/2024 10:11

@Hoplolly Really, try not to predict. My dad has been bedridden for well over a year, my mother appeared stable, so I went back home intending to go back to work, and she died a day later. If I’d known, of course I’d have stayed. We’ve twice been called in to “say our goodbyes” to my father.

Focus on today, drag your mind back if it strays till tomorrow, and concentrate on keeping yourself well. Don’t stay with him night and day, just do what you can keep up with.

Remember many people wait till they are alone before they slip away. My mother waited till Dad had gone out of the room to speak with the nurses.

Hoplolly · 23/02/2024 10:21

@MereDintofPandiculation Yeah I can't go back today or tomorrow so I've said my goodbyes, it's more that I feel I am sitting here waiting for the phone call - but maybe it won't come? I've been reading old posts on here where people have said family members have been similar and gone on for weeks, months.

MissMarplesNiece · 23/02/2024 10:25

@Hoplolly Re what @MereDintofPandiculation wrote about not staying day & night: Consultant said to my DSis at the beginning of the week "are you helping your mum if you sit here all night? There are nurses here to give care" He was right, but as a self-sacrificing daughter/carer, it's not easy to do and it is guilt inducing.

It is hard - I've just been having conversation with DSis about how helpless we feel just sitting about. Normally in family crises etc we'd be doing stuff; sitting waiting is hard. And it is bloody tiring.

Hoplolly · 23/02/2024 10:28

I don't feel any need to be there at the end, I've made my peace and I am an hour away so the likelihood of me getting there in time is slim, my dad is nearby so she won't be alone.

I need to carry on with work and we have five children so life goes on. I just hate the thought that this might not be the end for her. I just want this to end for her.

WhatEverNextNow999 · 23/02/2024 11:15

Mum is near the end now, and I've found that the housing association only give two weeks to return the keys.

It seems callous to start clearing it even before she died, but maybe I could start to plan? I can't even picture dealing with this afterwards.

What do I need to plan? Identify and contact providers to cancel, do I need the death certificate for that? Pack stuff up and drop at charity shop/tip.etc.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/02/2024 11:17

Hoplolly · 23/02/2024 10:21

@MereDintofPandiculation Yeah I can't go back today or tomorrow so I've said my goodbyes, it's more that I feel I am sitting here waiting for the phone call - but maybe it won't come? I've been reading old posts on here where people have said family members have been similar and gone on for weeks, months.

The brain adjusts. Being on edge for the phone call will go away in time. So think what you need to do now to get you through to the night, don't imagine it being a seemingly endless stream of days and nights worrying about the phone call, as it won't be like that.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/02/2024 11:36

WhatEverNextNow999 · 23/02/2024 11:15

Mum is near the end now, and I've found that the housing association only give two weeks to return the keys.

It seems callous to start clearing it even before she died, but maybe I could start to plan? I can't even picture dealing with this afterwards.

What do I need to plan? Identify and contact providers to cancel, do I need the death certificate for that? Pack stuff up and drop at charity shop/tip.etc.

You'll quite possibly need the death certificate. Some providers will feel apprehensive about cutting off an old lady's fuel supply because of a phone call from a random. Power of Attorney comes to an end with the death of the person.

You can certainly do now -1) identify things you want to keep or might be mentioned in the will and set them aside 2) clear out rubbish 3) begin to sort (but see house clearance below) 4) look through papers for suppliers, the will, bank accounts and building society accounts, pre-paid funeral plan.

Your priority will be clearing the house and photographing meter readings, telling friends and family (delegate as much as possible - tell one family member and get them to tell the rest), and booking the undertakers - who will be a great source of support.

Some people have found it helpful to extract things of sentimental or high monetary value, then pay for a house clearing firm to do the rest.

Important to do as soon as possible - pension and other benefits so there won't be overpayments and masses to repay (google "tell us once"), anything else where money is being paid out.

Then without undue delay, the banks and building society, who will then freeze the accounts.

Don't actually pay out any money from the estate (except for funeral expenses) - this is "intermeddling" and could be problematical if you're not the Executor or if for any reason you want to back out of being the Executor. Even if you're happy to be the Executor, you can't pay anything out until you have established all the assets and obtained probate. I'm not a lawyer, but this is my understanding from having recently extricated myself from being an Executor in a particularly difficult case.