So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

What a shock. I am sorry things ended this way for you. Sending hugs x

As if his death wasn't hurtful enough, I am now being told it was his 'dying wish' that I give his dog to his sister.
My auntie has gone as far as contacting my fathers best friend, whom took it upon himself to say 'don't you think you should respect your fathers wishes'.
This dog is the only bit of dad I have left, he hasn't been gone even 48 hours.

I love his dog, she brings me comfort. Why am I being manipulated? Why can't they let me grieve?

@JellyWellyBoots Did your dad mention his wishes for the dog to you while he was alive?

If not, I'd be inclined to keep her.

Oh JellyWelly I'm so sorry.
And having people being difficult at this time is just the icing on the crap cake.
You've done an amazing job with your dad, and other people are just being ridiculous. Try to shut the conversations down because you need to just look after you, not be dealing with sister and best friend interfering.
Sending you best wishes.

I'm also being blamed for calling her too late, so she didn't get to see him before he died. That's my fault apparently. People can be so heartless.

Thank you all for the kind messages x

Oh Jelly, I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself - you have gone above and beyond for your father, anyone can see that. Big hugs from me.

I’m so sorry, Jelly. Try not to give his sister headspace (easier said than done,I know). Look after yourself

Oh you poor thing. I suspect however that you are simple the channel for her grief, and are the only person she can express her grief at not seeing him to. People become so lost in grief that not only can they not express their feelings, they are often unable to even recognise their own feelings and can only direct them at others. I imagine your aunts grief is the cause and the blame and desire for thr dog is thr symptom. Unfortunately this has resulted in you copping the flack but your aunt is mourning her brother and faced with the inevitable reality that she is now top of the pile to be next. This makes people behave badly, not maybe out of choice but born from grief and guilt so she cannot see the right way to behave.

grief, like love, makes us do the wacky

Well the update from me is my Mum rallied and was discharged from hospital to a care home. All good but …………
I’m a complete wreck. My relationship with DH is going down the swany, I still worry about my kids even though they’ve left home. Yesterday I cleared my mum’s clothes out from her wardrobes and took them to a charity shop. Despite not having a close relationship with her it still felt weird.

Two years ago she had a terribly medical problem, we thought that was it but she survived. More recently she was very ill again and I thought that was it but she rallied again and is in a care home.
Clearing her clothes yesterday felt like another part of dealing with the death of someone, except she’s not dead. That’s three times it feels like I’ve had a bereavement and there will be one more at least, probably more.
i am broken

You could take the view that dog, like all his other possessions, can’t be “distributed” until probate has been obtained.

Or that dog is grieving and needs to be in his own home until he has processed his loss. No-one with the dog’s welfare at heart could argue against this.

@Witchyblankets that's very, very heart-wrenching. So difficult to cope with. I'm sorry you're having to dispose of your mother's clothes before she's even dead. That's a nightmare, on top of going through marital problems.

@MereDintofPandiculation I was absolutely disgusted that she would even bring it up not even 24 hours after dad died.
& blaming me for calling her too late? She's dead to me,

Hold on to that feeling @JellyWellyBoots , there’s nothing like anger for stiffening your resolve

Oh I’m here with you. My mum went from hospital to a care home just before Christmas she’s been ill again in the care home but rallied again last week.
Every time she’s ill and comes round again she’s worse than before. It is just awful.
At the moment she’s a bit confused but very angry. Complains about everything !

Meanwhile I’m running myself ragged trying to clear her flat out and sort out which clothes I can get rid off. Mum wants to keep it all. She didn’t ask last week when she was ill but I’m bracing myself for tomorrow now she’s feeling better. I feel for you.

Witchy and metoo
My mum has rallied again too. I wonder if it's coming out of midwinter that's done it.
It's now 18 months since I was told not to expect her to live more than a few weeks. Then she rallied and it was 'she won't make it to summer'. Then it was 'she won't make Xmas'. 3 weeks ago, she was sleeping 22 out of every 24 hours and it was 'it will be soon now. She certainly won't see Easter'.
Well I have no doubt that she will see Easter. And probably summer and next Christmas.
She can't really talk any more, or walk. I'm not even really sure she can process what she's looking at. Every time I see her there's something else that's undignified and heartbreaking. Last time she started dribbling her food out of her mouth because she obviously forgot that she was eating. Really feels endless.

Hand hold to all those on the 'come in, she's imminently dying - it might take a bit longer - she's brighter today - oh she's fine why are you asking?' merry-go-round

I'm sorry @SeriouslyAgain it sounds really exhausting.

So sorry for what you’re going through and your poor mum too. Where on earth do they get their will to live from it always amazes me. Your mum does sound very poorly ,what conditions does she have ?
We’re not at that stage yet with mum, although the Dr rang yesterday to say they are concerned about her, she’s ordered some blood tests, because of her dizziness and lack of appetite ,she spends probably three days a week in bed. But on a good day she can walk to the lounge and join in a bit. I prayed to my dad to help her last night. I just want her to be free and happy again.

Thank you for sympathy - I thought I hadn't had a moan for a while!
Permanent: it is a merry go round. A really rubbish one 😂
Metoo, she has Parkinsons but has also had some mini strokes and has dementia, probably 2 types. Writing that actually makes me want to giggle...she couldn't possibly only have one type could she?! Oh dear I think I might be going mad!

@SeriouslyAgain my Mother had Parkinson's too. What a horrible disease. She also had the mini strokes & dementia (not sure how many types 🫤).

Look after yourself, it's not an easy thing to go through, watching them decline. 😕

I'm regularly in the Cockroach café. I'm not sure if my DM is on the merry-go-round that @PermanentTemporary describes, or whether its the helter-skelter skelter.

We went through the prepare for the end/ oh better now with dad (months), FIL (several weeks) and MIL (months). It didn't get any easier with experience.

Aww bless her Parkinson’s is enough without the rest. You’re not going mad, a giggle is what you need sometimes it’s just the whole ridiculousness of the situation you couldn’t make it up. Take care.

I have a question, when someone dies I.e my dad, will any debt companies he owes money to chase me? As I'm the one dealing with closing down his accounts etc.

No one tells you how much fucking admin there is after someone dies. It just goes on and fucking on.

@JellyWellyBoots
Anyone owed money can ask executors of a will to pay the outstanding debts of the deceased out of the deceased's estate. That's also a reason to make sure things like Internet /TV type accounts are closed down as soon as possible - so that payments don't keep accruing.
Having been an executor myself, I have to say I felt that it was a really big responsibility.