So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Some people have found it helpful to extract things of sentimental or high monetary value, then pay for a house clearing firm to do the rest.
Thisis what me & my siblings did - although we did it when DM moved to live with DSis. There were a few things DM wanted & a couple of items that we kept, but we got house cleaners to remove everything else. It was such an overwhelming task otherwise.

Have you got a funeral director in mind? I found choosing one helped me feel a bit more in control. And you can start thinking about what kind of service/music if any you’d like.

Good suggestion of a house clearance company above if all too overwhelming.

@JellyWellyBoots i hope you’re doing ok. Last year someone started a thread for those of us dealing with the “next stage”. It’s been a while but I don’t think it would attract zombie thread complaints if you posted on it now. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4827943-calling-fellow-cockroach-cafe-um-graduates-going-through-probate-advice-and-support-thread

So DM was brighter this afternoon and now walking and talking again? Now I don't know what to think. She was on death's door yesterday.

It's so hard Hoplolly. That's what happened with my mum a few months back. She was non-responsive and very distressed, given midazolam to calm her, discussions about hospice care to keep her comfortable, expected to die within at most a few days. She woke up a few hours later saying that she was ravenous!
That happened a second time within a few days, but since then there's been no indication at all that she's near death.

I think this rollercoaster of the person being at deaths door then bouncing back can occur many times. If the person is in a care home strenuous efforts will be made to keep them alive and staff will find a means of administering food and fluids.

The well known dementia and assisted dying campaigner Wendy Mitchell died a couple of days ago after making a conscious decision to stop eating and drinking. Fortunately she did this whilst she still head capacity and clearly her family respected her decision and didn’t whisk her into hospital once she lost consciousness.

@AgitatedGoose She won't be fed if she doesn't eat. They'll be no assistance - that's been discussed with the doctor and the care home. They'll just keep her comfortable. They are treating her as end of life. Will see how she is today!

We were called on Monday to attend immediately. Mum is still here and has started eating again. She's up and down day to day

@WhatEverNextNow999 Yes she's not as lively as she was yesterday but still better than she was Thursday. I'm so afraid this is going to drag out long term and we'll be stuck in a cycle of saying goodbye.

Can’t stop crying today. Mum can barely speak, so it was several minutes for her to tell me that when she gets out of hospital, she will give me a big hug. I gave her a hug instead. Breaks my heart. It’s a week since they thought she would die and she’s still hanging on. I’m not sure I can keep visiting her

The nurse said at this stage it’s harder for me than her. I’m not sure I believe that. Think I going to ask my gp for something. I’ve started having heart palpitations while sleeping and my hands shake when I’m seeing to her house.

I feel your pain @WhatEverNextNow999 I just don't know what to expect now. Thursday we rushed to see her because they thought she wouldn't last the night. I want to step off this rollercoaster.

@WhatEverNextNow999 I'm so sorry your going through this too, it's so hard and there does seem to be any acknowledgement of the emotional toll it takes on families. My DF has rallied again after being told he was near the end, in fact he is more with it then he's been in a very long time, unfortunately, he's using this new energy to be abusive again so I haven't visited for a couple weeks..other family members have and hes been just as awful to them as he was me. It's so draining visiting and knowing your going to be accused of all sorts, I spend more time chatting with the other residents as some are just so lovely

I asked how long it takes, and the doctor says it's usually relative to how fast the deterioration to this point was. It's no answer at all

My mum died yesterday morning. It was a big relief. She had been non-responsive on a palliative care pathway since Wednesday, to see her body fighting was distressing. My DM was a stubborn mule in life and fought death off the best she could. Even though I knew what was coming, and thought I was prepared, I still feel bereft.

My heart goes out to all on here watching their loved ones going through this.

@MissMarplesNiece It’s a relief, but you’ve still lost your mum.

@MissMarplesNiece I'm sorry for your loss x

For you and your sister @MissMarplesNiece.

@MissMarplesNiece So sorry about the loss of your Mum. Look after yourself in the weeks/months ahead.

@MissMarplesNiece sorry for you loss 💐Please be gentle to yourself and lean on those around you

Sorry for your loss @MissMarplesNiece

@WhatEverNextNow999 We asked today. They now think she had a sickness bug last week but also said they can't say how much longer she has, though she is losing a lot of weight and very frail.

The nurse said we should have as much quality time as possible before she deteriorates further. Which, I mean, is a given really anyway with dementia.

Many years ago now, my schoolfriend's granny lived out her final years in their family home. Friend's mum did everything, the mum's brother hardly passed the time of day there, nor did his wife. The granny finally died and left her property and estate to the son. I was in my late teens but still remember my rage. Worse, my friend's lovely mum died a few years later in her early 50s of breast cancer.

@MissMarplesNiece I'm so sorry about your mum's death.

My mum passed away earlier this morning in hospital. She looked very peaceful and the staff were lovely. I'm just relieved she doesn't have to struggle any more.

WhatEverNextNow999 So sorry to hear about your mum. I can do understand your relief thats it’s over for her. I’ve not been reading for a while, sorry if I’ve missed something. Just wanted to send lots of love to everyone struggling.
My mum fell in her care home last week and has deteriorated massively, what with that another family member in hospital and still clearing her flat out I feel a walking zombie! Much love.