So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Hi. Feeling a bit lost so thought I’d see what you ladies think. Mum started having angina pains again last week, hasn’t had them for a while. Now this week, she’s very confused, hardly eating and can’t walk because she’s too dizzy. They’ve tested for UTI and chest but no infections.
She knows she’s confused mostly and is getting very anxious and upset about it.The care home don’t seem concerned, suppose they’ve seen it all before, but it’s all new to me.
Is this how it goes, a sharp decline. Just hoping it doesn’t go on long, awful seeing her upset. She said last night someone had told her my dad had died, was it true bless her he’s been dead fourteen years.

She said last night someone had told her my dad had died, was it true bless her he’s been dead fourteen years.

Oh, this is difficult isn’t it? I remember my Mum had to tell my grandmother over and over that Grandad was dead. She wouldn’t stop asking where he was. Eventually she started saying he’d popped to the shops and would be back soon. It was less distressing that way.

Although sometimes a confused brain will make up a story to try to make sense of it all. One time, Nan said that Grandad had sent her a letter saying that he’d dumped her. That was the only way she could justify his absence.

Now another family member has rapidly worsening dementia (alcohol related) and he thinks he’s been kidnapped and can’t understand why the police aren’t out looking for him. In reality he moved house a couple of years ago and he doesn’t recognise his wife.

It sure is horrible, the way the mind works is so cruel. If it carries on I might have to invent a story of where dad is. It’s difficult because she’s in and out of confusion so don’t know what would be more kind to her.
I’ve also had the kidnapped scenario, masked men and lifts on fire so no escaping either poor things.

A friend told her mum her dad had gone to visit his brother for a few days when she kept asking after him. She hated the brother so it made her happy to think he'd gone on his own.

That's so tough Metoo15.
There's no telling how things will go. I wish there were. But I think for many there isn't one steep decline so much as decline/level out/decline/level out etc. And then sometimes the odd rally (my mum has done this a few times where she has appeared near death and then been fairly well within 24 hours.)
It's exhausting and can only really be helped by having the right kinds of calming or pain-relieving medications when necessary and trying to keep their environment as calm and familiar as possible. Also just going along with any (false) beliefs as long as they're happy ones. So no point constantly re-telling someone about their loved one's death if it's been forgotten. Just go along with their belief that the person's alive.

@Metoo15 don't keep trying to get her to remember about people who are dead.

It's cruel. It's like they're hearing it for the first time, over and over again.

Just pretend the dead person is away for a few days.

If your mother asks to see them, tell her the car is in the garage, and you'll take her tomorrow.

She won't remember, but she'll feel calmer about it.

@Jellycats4life The recommended approach is to just say they’re out shopping or whatever.. Less depressing than repeatedly being told a loved one has died. I’m afraid yesterday I told my dad his dad had died (I couldn’t face an afternoon of making up stories) he then wanted to know all the details of the funeral - I don’t know! It was nearly 70 years ago and I wasn’t there. But Dad has long since stopped being upset by people dying.

Thank you. Maybe I should have a word with the Dr if this continue, see if she could have something to calm her, she’s sleeping most of the day and then awake through the night goodness knows what she’s feeling like then.

It's really hard. I've found that the calming medication issue is very tricky because (completely understandably) no one's allowed to just 'sedate' people for the sake of it. But obviously it's different when it's not just that they're up all night, but that they're up and terrified of 'the burglers' or crying because they've missed the train to their mum's funeral... The point where unacceptable use of medication turns into necessary use to avoid great distress can be hard to see, and sometimes needs a bit of input from the family (just so the doc knows they won't be accused of doing something wrong).

Aah yes I understand it’s a fine line isn’t it. Much kinder though if they could sleep, as she does tend to have hallucinations as well, they must be terrifying. I’ll ask to speak with the Dr. Thanks

I can't believe I'm writing this.
My father died an hour ago, I said goodbye only an hour and a half ago. I kissed him goodbye in the hospital. I said don't die yet dad, I'll be back in the morning.
He developed sepsis last night overnight, today will stay with me until the day I die.

I feel numb, but sad, exhausted.

Me and my sister were with him all day, I didn't think it would happen so fast. I was meant to go and see him last night but I was too unwell. He called me & I was too tired to talk. Now I can never call him or go and see him again.

So sorry, you now have a different journey ahead. Sending Condolences, love and strength.

So sorry for your loss. He’s at peace now. Thinking of you.

@JellyWellyBoots UnMumNetty hugs for you. I don't think I've posted on this thread before, but have been lurking, reading and empathising.

Be kind to yourself, rest and regain your strength and composure.

@JellyWellyBoots I'm sorry your dad has died. You must have so many unresolved feelings.

Try to be kind to yourself. You've been through a huge ordeal.

@JellyWellyBoots massive hugs xx ❤️

@JellyWellyBoots I'm so sorry, take care of yourself x

You were a wonderful daughter through the hardest of times @JellyWellyBoots . Take care of yourself and your DD - you're the priority now.

@JellyWellyBoots So sorry about the loss of your Dad and I can imagine how hard this must be for you. Please try and be kind to yourself as you really did do your best for him. Sending you hugs. xx

 @JellyWellyBoots

Love and sympathy to you @JellyWellyBoots

A big hug @JellyWellyBoots. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the better memories from before start to come back soon.

So sorry @JellyWellyBoots You’ve been through so much! You gave your father a good last day - remember that.

JellyWellyBoots

I'm so sorry @JellyWellyBoots

i do know that lots of people "wait" til their loved ones are gone to slip away ? Maybe your DDad didn't want you to have to have that memory of him. I hope it gets easier xx