So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

No I wouldn’t be taking him out either. How is he after failing he’ll be shaken up if nothing else. You can still spend time with him but safely in the home. How would you manage , would your daughter be there too ? it’s too risky, and probably wouldn’t be a good memory in the long run.
Please try not to feel so guilty, I know how hard that is but you’ve nothing to feel guilty about honestly. Good luck.

I fervently hope for yours abd your DDs sake that this is the end. Because this situation is intolerable for you and I don't think you will be able to have a reprieve until he is dead. He's made it clear he doesn't intend to let you have any respite.
you are in my thoughts and while I will have Dead Parent Envy I hope your journey is nearing its conclusion xx sending you strength abd resolve xx

@ADCisntme how is your mum, and how are you doing?

@JellyWellyBoots
I don’t know you and will never meet you but I am so worried about you.
Please do not take your dad out listen to all of the other posters and prioritise yourself and your DD.

Honestly, I wouldn't even attempt to take him out. It's all very well someone saying he's (your dad) is prepared to take the risk, but that's far too much to ask of you. Getting someone frail in and out of a car is bad enough but if they fall it's very hard to get them back up again without injuring yourself in the process.
If he did fall, you'd likely be looking at hours before an ambulance can come and help, then hours in A&E.

I lost my Dad years ago and I don't really remember what we did in the last few weeks. I remember further back when he was well.

No, of course, I see you're right. I was talking generally though.

Yes, in general, I myself don't believe in dragging out an elderly person's life with piles of medication, and especially with antibiotics.

That isn't what most of us meant in relation to Jelly and her dad, though.

Update -

Thank you for the kind & concerning messages. I bought him some takeout instead of going anywhere, I really couldn't have managed him especially with DD.
We sat and talked for a couple of hours until he started getting sleepy.
My heart breaks for him, I've been so busy being angry & resentful that I'm losing sight of what's important.
Part of me wanted to pack his things & take him home, but I know I can't.
I know this journey will be over soon but I'm not ready to let go.

@JellyWellyBoots I don’t know if this will help or not, but when my parents were dying and I was in the thick of it, I was having a bad spell and one of their friends said to me that this is how nature works, it makes them quite frankly a bloody nuisance so when they do die, and you’ve not got all the horrible jobs to do, and all the stress that goes with it…the grief doesn’t seem quite so bad as it could be.
Hang in there - and don’t be surprised if it isn’t over as quick as you’re thinking. I can’t remember how many times we were told its last few days, only for them to rally. Look after yourself.

Well
i just don't know how much longer i can do this for
dad phoned this morning moaning and groaning with his bruised arm "can't do this any more" etc and when am I coming over (I have a 10 hrs shift at work today)

he got mum out of bed, put her to bed last night, wouldn't put the overnight bag on during the day so he didn't have to keep emptying the catheter all day. Won't. Won't. Won't. Do anything to make life easier. Because mum "gives him nasty looks". Won't leave her in bed til the carer comes. She doesn't like it.

i can't keep doing more. He won't take a single step to make his life easier, he is utterly stubborn. Dh has no bloody idea how frustrating he is to deal with, he said "why don't you just call the care agency and get them to do X,Y,Z". It's pointless because dad then tells them not to do it. It's been less than 2 months since the last crisis forced the respite during which I got no time off whatsoever as I was working.

she could go on for years. She's only 79 and despite various health conditions that apparently 3 years ago would mean she wouldn't last long she's still here. wish one of them would die, at least if dad died mum will have to go into a home.

dad moans that nobody understands how difficult his life is. He has no concept at all of what my life is like

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew He may find his life intolerable, but he’s refusing help and trying to pass the burden to you. Keep reminding him of the help he’s refusing, and be firm in setting your boundaries. Don’t be explicit as to why you can’t drop everything, because that just leads to discussions about why what you’re doing isn’t important

I was very firm today that he was making these choices; one of their friends turned up unexpectedly and gave him a right telling off for being a stubborn old man who wouldn't listen to anyone or accept any help.
i feel quite cheered because it was wonderful to watch someone tell him off so thoroughly

We have established today that DF will be kept comfortable at the home and not treated if he develops another infection. I was strangely on the verge of tears as we were discussing it which is odd as we have had the conversation a few times with various Dr's. I guess this feels a but final now. Apparently they are concerned he is in danger of developing cellulitis and so will be kept on long term antibiotics (surely that's not ideal? He will develop resistance?)

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

I totally empathise, it is so hard.

I had a similar situation with my StepF refusing help (wouldn't entertain ANY care for my Mum at all) because 'she has 3 daughters'... 🤨
One (me) lives 3.5 hrs drive away, one is NC & the other works all the hours God sends, to pay her mortgage as she's on her own.

He would then kick off about how he was 'running on empty', 'who cares for the carers', he was 'burnt out, on his knees'.

I don't doubt he felt like that but he wouldn't accept help! 🙄

Eventually a crisis meant Mum being admitted to hospital & from there a rehab hospital & then nursing home until she died.

Not sure what you can do, except keep repeating about using the carers. 👍

Sounds like FIL. They did have carers 4 x a day but MIL was 24 hour hard work and should really have been in a care home but he wasn't having any of it despite his own serious health issues. He also had the option of respite breaks that he refused to use and later had an allowance to cover 8 hours a week sitting service for him to go to appointments/ have a break but again he didn't use it. Then you would get him crying down the phone that he never got a break. Even when he had oncology appointments at a hospital an hour away he expected not only 1 family member to take him (fine, inconvenient but understandable and workable) but a second to go and stay with MIL even though the budget was there for a carer.

Good morning, everyone. I have sadly- relievedly? graduated from this thread. My darling, infuriating, fierce, loving, stubborn little mum has died. I feel as if I have been running as fast as I can along a cliff edge and suddenly found empty air beneath my feet. I'm heartbroken and wanting all of it back, exactly as I knew I would be. I think the relief will kick in eventually.
This thread has been vital to me. Thank you so much, all of you who have shared your honest feelings - where else could we do this? I'm so sorry that you're still in the thick of it. I'm thinking of you all. And it's okay to have Dead Parent Envy.

So sorry @popularinthe80s. Whatever you feel right now is OK, and understandable. Be kind to yourself and sending you the strength to get through that horrible limbo period between now and the funeral.

@popularinthe80s look after yourself and be prepared to feel like you are still on a roller coaster for a while.

RIP Popular's Mum.

In time, the fact that you did everything you could will bring you some comfort. Look after yourself.

@popularinthe80s I am very sorry indeed to read that your mother has now died. I can well imagine the feeling of running over a cliff edge, keeping your feet going and finding empty air beneath them.

Sending love to you.

@popularinthe80s your cliff top analogy sums it up perfectly. 😢

Thinking of you, take care of yourself. ♥️

I’m sorry @popularinthe80s

Thank you so much, all of you. Your words really touch me.

@popularinthe80s much love, I'm sure you will have a whole mix of emotions. Wishing you strength for the final stage of sadmin xx

Oh popular so sorry. We don’t know how we’re going to feel until it happens, but however that is, just feel it anyway it’s all normal. You must be so tired, take care of yourself.