So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Three positives, since they usually ask you for 3 1) Have made another step towards getting the Christmas decorations down while DH was getting breakfast - the boxes of baubles are now in the big storage box 2) it’s Saturday, so breakfast is croissants 3) my cat is with me. And it’s not yet 11am!

There may be something in this - I feel a little burst of happiness

I'm at work today but my positives so far -
I'm sat working with one of my fave colleagues today

the bottle of strange Indian rose drink I bought last night and brought with me is delicious

Good to see the extra brightness in the afternoons now - coming up to the week when it's still bright at 5pm (I'm way out to the west of the UK which helps). And I love the week when you wake to hear birds singing for the first time. That's about early February here.

I love this positivity, I had a lovely peaceful walk with my puppy, the house is all clean and fresh air blowing through and it looks like we have found a buyer for DF car

@Metoo15
I know that voice so well. It's what I call mum's 'martyr voice'. The most irritating mix of defensiveness, anger, dismissiveness and self-pity! I sometimes hear myself using it with my DD and hate myself for it!

I like the positivity. I had a language lesson this morning and haven’t forgotten everything from last term, and DD and I have a skating lesson this afternoon which I’m looking forward to.

What are you learning @NefretForth ?

Japanese! I hope to go to Japan one day.

We have a tiny kitchen. After living here for years, we realised today that we could buy a wall hanging basket for the fruit and vegetable, and thus gain some extra counterspace. A very exciting day for us!

Oh my gosh it's incredible. We are hoping to have a 'grown up gap year" when we retire and this is on our list, we went in 2005 and I'm dying to go back

Well dad fell over abd hurt his wrist today. After much moaning at work I went after I finished abd I decided to go in and be bright and breezy. Dad was in The Glooms when I got there but actually my feigned mood of cheer really did rub off on him abd he was quite perky when I left abd even cracked a joke. I now actually feel in quite a good mood which is unusual these days I'll be frank.

it takes soooooo much effort though 🤐

My positives are - my DD loves me even though I'm completely miserable and boring at the moment. I thought we would be having days out with all this freedom but I've barely managed to even cook one decent meal.

The tiredness & stress have turned into anxiety, which now comes on whenever.

Happiest when I'm in bed at the end of the day and the house is silent. I'm also at my most happy when eating a bowl of honey cheerio's.

Did a food shop with DD today & it was nice and simple, quick easy meals to get us through the weeks.

Taking DF out for lunch tomorrow, not sure how that will go as apparently he had a fall today & it took 5 people to pick him up. This is worrying as he is declining & I don't see how I can manage when he comes home.

Taking DF out for lunch tomorrow,

kindly, but why?

Jelly, you know it’s ok to say no don’t you? You don’t have do do this, you don’t have to have him back. You want your dad to be safe and looked after and comfortable but that doesn’t mean it has to be you that does it

I completely agree with funnelfan. @JellyWellyBoots , if you won’t take care of yourself for yourself (which you absolutely should) can you frame it as needing to limit what you do for your dad so you can be well and strong for your DD? She’s still little and needs a mum who isn’t out of her head with stress. You do not have to take your dad out for lunch! Say you’re not well if you need to make an excuse- it’s perfectly true.

Another fall this morning, he's declining very fast. I definitely made the right choice putting him into a care home, im very small & weak & struggle to pull the hand-break up in my car so there's no way i would be able to lift him if he fell.
He could be gone in a few weeks & I don't want to look back & wish I'd taken him out that one Sunday because 'I was tired'. The guilt is eating me up alive.

Equally he could last another six months. My relationship with MIL is much more straightforward than yours with your dad - she’s never been anything but kind and welcoming to me in the 30 years I’ve known her, and she was a loving parent to DH and BIL - but she looked as though she was about to die 5 years ago, is still here and could die tomorrow or live another 5 years. We decided a while ago that we couldn’t keep living as though every week might be her last and prioritising her over everything else in our lives.

it’s your choice, of course. I don’t want to be another person browbeating you! But you matter too, and your DD matters.

I imagine all your emotion around the whole situation of your dad’s illness but him being impossible to live with etc is probably manifesting itself as guilt at the moment. It’s ok to have these feelings but feeling this way doesn’t make you guilty - of anything.

Do you have a mental image of a lovely cosy pub lunch somewhere, and creating a nice memory? Is it realistic? Particularly if he’s getting so frail and wobbly on his feet, how would you manage that in public?

And if he falls at the lunch?

How about taking him a really tasty picnic lunch and eating it together?

I see this patch of my mum's life as a tiny part of a long life. I'm doing the best I can at the moment which means in general weekly visiting. But if I'm too ill or exhausted to go, then I won't. That's why she's in a care home.

Where is his sister? Is she visiting? I hope she's not taking him out because it really doesn't sound safe.

Thing is, regarding taking them out being too dangerous, kind of, so what! My friend had a big argument with the care home her dad was in. They only wanted to feed him liquid food (that he didn't want) friend and dad thought he should eat proper food, as he wanted, and were willing to accept choking risk. Likewise, going out (he might fall...) my friend and her dad both accepted the risk. The care home wanted him always there, in bed, eating through a straw, and having every vaccine and course of AB going. Her dad wanted to smell the flowers and taste the food,

When mum had her respite we were able to book to join her for lunch any day we wanted, would this be an option instead ? Then take him out for a ride in the car if you feel pressured either by your own guilt or him ? If he falls outside and hurts himself you could be waiting hours and hours for an ambulance as it wouldn't be a priority.

my own guilt makes me do many things I'd rather not x

Because in this particular situation, Jelly is being guilted into caring for her dad when she already has a difficult relationship with him. He’s supposed to be in respite care to allow her to have a break. Having a public fall that requires an ambulance call and all the associated drama would be the exact opposite of a respite break.

@JellyWellyBoots

Don't risk taking him out.

If he falls (highly likely) you'll be stuck waiting for many hours, while an ambulance comes. And if he then refuses to go with them, then what? Or if he does go, how long will you have to wait in A & E? Hours? All night? While your child is at home, with whoever is looking after her?

Think about this scenario.

And also think about why your dad is in the care home.

Respite.

Except it hasn't been.

Exactly. We are a 'difficult' family who fight the care home to stop treating, stop prolonging mum's life but also to make the remaining part as enjoyable as possible. I don't pursue 'safety'. But I do prioritise my own wellbeing, and I think Jelly should too.

Thing is, regarding taking them out being too dangerous, kind of, so what!

@Kendodd you've missed the point. @JellyWellyBoots is exhausted and her dad is in respite for a week, and he is guilt-tripping her into taking him out, when she should be resting.

Jelly when is he due back? Are you even having him back? Because the respite is up now, pretty much, and you have had no rest whatsoever.

I've been a mixture of angry and sad, reading your posts since this thread started.