So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

@popularinthe80s I hope in the next few days you find peace and adjust to the changes

we have had some really good news today. My DU died in July and DD is the residual beneficiary of his will. We knew there was one of those lifetime loan things against the property plus he had left £35k to others. So I was hoping she might come away with enough to buy a conservatoire flute when the time comes and a car. The solicitor has just called me to see if I would accept an offer that has been made (he lived in Scotland so I understand once an offer is accepted it's a done deal) abd it's the first time I've spoken to them
well to cut a long story short it looks like she will inherit about £100k. Which will obviously earn interest as it will be invested until she's 18. I'm so thrilled for her. I can't wait to pick her up from school and tell her

That's exciting Stiffy!

@popularinthe80s I'm sorry (and also not sorry) to hear about your mum. It's the end of a long road for you and perhaps many mixed emotions. Relief may be one which is why I'm not sorry. I hope the next days, weeks and months are OK and you can find yourself again. I'm still on this thread here and there and my dad died in Sept so keep using it if it's helpful. ❤️

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew Lovely news ! Makes a change to hear something positive.

@popularinthe80s it's condolences from me too and not, if you see what I mean.

I was surprised how much relief I felt when Dad died, I thought I'd feel a bit, but I didn't realise how much the weight of uncertainty was oppressing me. His death allowed me to love him again, which I know sounds illogical given that he was now dead, but my feelings were no longer pulverised by the mass of practical questions and the enormous leaden question mark hanging over us.

I really hope you'll be able to go through all the messy grieving process as well as you can. I think it's lovely that you could come on here and tell us (and show humour re. the dead parent envy).

It is the uncertainty I realise that is the worst. If you told me that my mother had five years, I'd think, right, let's do this and enjoy it and squeeze the best from it. Let's financially plan, let's work out what she gets enjoyment out of, let's have the important conversations.

But I just keep thinking, god it could be up to two decades and I'll be ancient and a husk.

PS absolutely thrilled for daughter of @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew - your household really deserved some good news. Now I'm praying that the probate and sale all goes through smoothly...

Thank you, everyone.
@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew , that's simply wonderful news for your DD.
@Valleyofthedollymix god yes, the hour-by-hour, sometimes minute-by-minute uncertainty - it gnaws away at you. The relentless anticipation of, and mental rehearsal of, potential futures. It's awful. I'm really glad that that's over for you with your father. My every sympathy for you as it continues with your mother. It's torturous.
@Ilikeyoursleeves I'm glad that you still get some comfort from this thread. I may continue to lurk, too. I would like to think that I might be able to offer solidarity to those still mired in it.

oh yes @popularinthe80s and all other graduates - you absolutely have to stick around this thread. We are your people.

@Ilikeyoursleeves et all. I like seeing you all here. It reminds me it will eventually end

well i’m actually going round in circles here ! I’ve given notice on mums flat so I have about 3 weeks to clear everything and though it’s only a one bed flat there’s a lot of stuff !
Mum won’t accept that she needs to stay in the care home and that her flat needs to be cleared, it’s a nightmare, she’s refuses to speak to me as I don’t know what I’m on about and she doesn’t trust me, and has asked that all her other family visit , she means my two adult kids and her brothers family that’s all there is.
Meanwhile I’ve emptied some drawers and been to the tip as there’s nothing that anyone wants. Loads of things to charity. But I’m so upset, its bad enough clearing a house but under these circumstances it’s just awful.
It would be an easier task if she’d passed away, still heartbreaking for me, but lots easier for her. I’ve just tried explaining this to a friend but she doesn’t agree. Whatever next.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew fantastic news about the inheritance! And it WILL end one day. I agree with the others that it's the uncertainty that is the absolute worst part. I was convinced my dad was immortal and just sit in his care home for all eternity. I would wonder how on earth he would actually die since he never went out, was protected from falling, got medicine at the hint of illness.

4 months on and I am finally learning to 'be' rather than run about 'doing' all the time. It still feels very strange to have my weekends back but it is good not to have the constant guilt that I'm not doing enough.

I only went to see my dad's grave the other week, the first time since the funeral. It's in the the town we grew up in and where he lived and that took the entire day to travel to and back. It was only recently I had the strength to face that journey again.

Sending hugs to all those going through it, and also to those on the other side now x

Sorry for your loss. Hope you have love and support around you x

Amazing news 😍

Oh dear. That sounds difficult.
What did your unhelpful friend say?

@StStiffyByngsDogBartholomew
Good news for your daughter. And good to get an inheritance at the start of adulthood when it can really make a difference and make your whole life easier.

@popularinthe80s I'm so very sorry for your loss, sending you hug (not mumsnetty but on this thread we do things different)

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew that is wonderful news!! So pleased for your DD

@Metoo15 I understand how your feeling yesterday I sold DF car, he would be devastated and very angry if he knew but he will never drive again and won't be coming home so will never know. It was his pride and joy and would tell anyone and everyone about it so parting with it is not easy and I'm glad SIL has arranged to be there when it goes to comfort DM. I dont have the headspace for being a shoulder to lean on for her as I'm finding all this hard enough as it is.

Absolutely. She was pleased although at 14 getting access to a big wedge of money for a house deposit at some time in the future isn't really the most exciting of things. She'd rather have had a £50 hobbycraft voucher she could spend immediately 😂

TheShellBeach. Unhelpful friend thought it was much easier for us now as there was less emotion involved, believe me there’s plenty of emotion this way too. I’m just having a bad day.
Trying to do too much as usual. Some of the family that mum wants to see were supposedly going to see her yesterday, but called off at the last minute because they had just woken from a nap, you couldn’t make it up.
I spent all yesterday clearing her flat and loads of her admin , but I’m still useless, only the napping lot are any good 😡

@Tara336 my dad couldn't bear to get rid of my mums car which was her pride abd joy so he gave it to DH as it was so old it wasn't worth anything although a lovely car in good condition.
i dented the bumper a few months ago and I was so upset that I'd damaged her car that I cried for ages and had to go home. So I understand x

Tara336. How difficult for you, the guilt is just terrible I really do understand. How can it be possible to have enough shoulders to lean on never mind the head space. It’s all too much.

@popularinthe80s Sorry to hear about your Mum and I can image the mixed emotions you’ve experiencing. It will take time to process everything and your going to have loads to sort out. Take time to
breath and look after yourself.

@Metoo15

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