So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

PermanentTemporary Im sure I’d feel the same. It’s taking all I’ve got to visit at the mo, don’t know why I find it so exhausting maybe it’ll get easier 🤞 can imagine the staff saying that, it would make their job easier that day.
Maybe once the better weather comes and I’ve had a rest things will feel better.

I thought yesterday as I ran upstairs to get my phone - wouldn't it just be so lovely to be able to go out for an hour without this thing? I really hate the sound of my phone ringing. It just fills me with fear and trepidation.

Can you go out for an hour without it and give yourself a little break? Is it possible?

Not really - mum in a care facility and they are always on the phone, it is usually something trivial but she's been unwell lately and it would be just like it if I missed an urgent call. Also a single parent so kids are either with me or in school - and as someone said above, I'm the 'default', I'm the only emergency contact as their father works on the other side of town and is hardly hands-on anyway. Just get fed up and feel kind of tethered.

If your mum is in a care facility then even more reason to leave the phone at home ! If you were involved in an accident and had to go to hospital they'd have to manage without calling you. Likewise school.
They are calling you all the time cos you make yourself available - I'd be less available if I were you

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew jeez I'm so sorry about this disciplinary crap. It sounds relentless and exhausting and infuriating (much like all the other stuff you're dealing with).

@MereDintofPandiculation very happy to respectfully disagree! I sometimes worry that I'm an ageist overlord with a Logan's Run attitude so it's really useful for me to have other perspectives. I instinctively prioritise the lives of the youngest but maybe I'll start feeling differently as I get (even) older.

She’s asking to be taken out for the day somewhere, anywhere. I can’t contemplate this at the moment or ever Talk to the home - they may facilitate it, even if she has to pay for a carer to accompany her. My dad's nursing home occasionally takes groups along to the cafe, and has been happy to get Dad to and from the dentist, with me (ie him) paying about £15 for the carer to go with him.

Remember that just because she needs something, it doesn't have to be you fulfilling that need personally

Of course the life of a 15 year old is worth more than that of a 90 year old, I shocked anyone would think otherwise. I'm equally shocked you think the way you do.

Even NICE makes calculations including number of years likely to benefit. It makes calculations on the basis that "this drug is going to extend life only by 6months*. It doesn't, as far as I know, say "this drug extends life by 20 years, so it's wasted on an 80 year old, we'll only give it to under 60s" or "This operation will restore someone to full health, but we'll restrict it to under 60s because the over 60s have only got an average of 25 to 30 years left".

MereDintofPandiculation. Thank you never thought about that, maybe they will have trips out in the warmer weather.

I doubt I'd they'll have trips out in this snow.

@AInightingale
I know from bitter experience how hard it is not to constantly be available to everyone (I first joined the cockroach cafe because I was unblocking my mum's toilet on a Saturday afternoon 😂) but....
My dad used to tell me 'Everyone is expendable' which seemed really rude (he was a rude old bugger!) but actually it can be seen in a positive way, and the last couple of months I've tried a lot harder to live by that rule.
It might be worth not always being available. What difference would 30 minutes make? If it's very very urgent, they'll call back. If it isn't and they don't, maybe try and leave it for a little while before you call them?
(just a thought - and I don't know whether I'm actually suggesting that to me not you😂)

@AInightingale If your Mum’s care home are phoning you about trivial stuff then you really need to set some boundaries and tell them to stop doing it. I’d imagine most of the problems are what they should be sorting out rather than dumping on you. The worst thing you can do with hospitals and care homes is to be constantly available the end of a phone. Unless your Mum is considered end of life I’m sure you could leave your phone at home or block their number whilst you have an hour or two to yourself.

I've had no choice but to make myself 'unavailable' this week. I used to find it difficult to say no & end up doing things I didn't want to do for people.
I've put my foot down and stood firm, I've made a few enemies along the way however. People don't like me when I set boundaries, and I think that's because I've never really put any across, until now.

Yes, you’re ok for a week anyway! Would be irresponsible to take an elderly person out in this weather.

(I first joined the cockroach cafe because I was unblocking my mum's toilet on a Saturday afternoon Ooh, I remember that!

Yes, the care home should be coping with almost everything. I’ve not had more than half a dozen calls in the five years. The manager said to me “we’re his family now”, by which she meant “we’re his care givers, we’re the people he turns to when he needs anything”. Even if we missed the “end of life” call it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him - he’d still be surrounded by living people.

I'm so sorry; I spewed out my self-pity and then disappeared. Things have rapidly declined with my mum & palliative care think she has only days left. After months of wanting it over, I'm now broken that it's over. I'm a mess.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew the work situation with your partner sounds horrendous. The pair of you must feel utterly broken. Work institutions can inflict deep trauma. I'm so sorry.

@MereDintofPandiculation
@AInightingale I really empathise; it's taken me months to stop hovering around the carers because I think something will get missed and then I will end up needing to do it anyway. @SeriouslyAgain @Kendodd and @MereDintofPandiculation and others speak great sense.
@JellyWellyBoots I'm so glad that you are having your rest at the moment.
Someone upthread spoke powerfully of the expectations on women as universal support human. I have realized that I actually feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
After a lifetime's worth of a complex relationship, my mum's last words to me were harsh and unkind. She's said many loving things in the run up, but at the moment (no sleep etc) it feels as if her last words are the final verdict on my character. I'm heartbroken and desperate for her to wake up and say something loving again that will wipe this verdict away. My partner (clinician) is trying to reassure me that she has no idea what she's saying. But she's still communicating reasonably clearly with the carers. What more could I have given her? It wasn't enough. Oh, bugger it all.

Jesus Christ guys, I need to vent.

It's my day off today, last Friday was ruined by the stress of DF messing about & potentially loosing his space at the care home.

I wake up to a list of demands, why didn't I tell him about an appointment I told him about, he needs his medication picking up & dropping to the other side of town, am I taking him out on Sunday, etc etc.

He's been told enough times I am on RESPITE. He only seems to message me when he needs something. I told him to ask someone else, anyone else.

Why oh why can't I have one single day? Then DD wouldn't get ready for school, 5 or 6 times I had to ask her to PUT YOUR HAT AND GLOVES ON but she just stood by the door like she hadn't heard me. That finished me off, I think I'm done with humans for the day.

@popularinthe80s Don’t worry, we’re quite used to people venting and disappearing, we’ve probably done it ourselves.

She's said many loving things in the run up, but at the moment (no sleep etc) it feels as if her last words are the final verdict on my character DH is right, they’re the words of someone who “isn’t themselves”. Think back to when you had flu, or were in the middle of childbirth, or had just seen DH carelessly drop a tray full of your favourite china - would you like to be held to anything you said then?

When my DM died, at first I could remember only her last year. But as time passed, everything else came back into focus, and her last year receded into the background. You will eventually find all the previous loving things resume their rightful importance.

Meanwhile, don’t dwell on it. Remember that the best way to commit something to memory is to keep going over it in your head, so do the opposite. Drag your thoughts to something else every ti me it drifts into your head.

You’re going to have to sacrifice your phone for the rest of the week. Yes, you’ll come back to a week of demands, but you’ll be prepared.

Respite while caring for a DD is a challenge. My thoughts are with you.

He only seems to message me when he needs something. Maybe he feels he shouldn’t bother you, but wants your attention and is therefore creating “emergencies” so that he can message you? Don’t let it change your actions.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you, thank you. These sane, calm reflections are very much needed this morning. You're right, of course. When my DH pulled up precious seedlings instead of weeds recently, I may have shouted For Fuck's Sake Do I Have To Do Fucking Everything. 😮
I will keep re-reading your message when the black descends.
@JellyWellyBoots you must feel like getting in the car and driving away, anywhere. I recognise in myself the absolute frustration alongside the reluctance to just ignore the phone.
@MereDintofPandiculation 's point about wanting attention is a good one.
What would help you to ignore the phone? I really get it. I've been there. Can you think of something that would help you to ignore it? Remember that he is perfectly safe.

@JellyWellyBoots can you just ignore all his calls. Let them go to voicemail and don't listen to them.

He'll be back in three days. You will have had precisely zero respite.

How do you feel about him coming back, anyway? Are you ready to tell him he needs to stay in the care home? Because you sound utterly broken and desperate to me.

I'm very sorry about your mum, @popularinthe80s

@TheShellBeach
I'm not ready for his return, I still feel like shit. I've still had to go to work & look after DD so haven't really stopped.
My sister has told him again & again to let me rest & stop asking me to do things but he doesn't listen.
He said the respite is for him as well.

Maybe you should extend his respite - especially as he said it's for him as well?

He said the respite is for him as well

Has he, indeed?
Oh well, then he'll be happy to stay there.