So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

It must be utterly infuriating @SeriouslyAgain
my dad moans about having to wait at the gp too. It takes every inch of my self control not to throttle him

You're the default support human for everyone in your sphere Stiffy. It sounds like you need to do some re-evaluation to avoid carer burnout.

I've had to look and see what is the minimum that HAS to be done (people safe, warm, fed, clean) and let go stuff on my to-do list that isn't essential. Is your DH doing a fair share at home, is your DD of an age she can be contributing too?

Dh has been under investigation for an utter pile of crap at work for 2 years. They can't even prove their own case let alone find him guilty but they won't let it drop. His hearing is in May. It's been so stressful. I mean I've so outed myself on this thread I might as well say about it, I recommended it to one of my colleagues the other day so Donna if you're here hi ! So Dh has been working every single opportunity he has since he got served thr papers, so bless him he is barely here except to sleep and eat. He's so worried about how we will pay the mortgage if he gets sacked. His union office (he's a rep) can't believe they are still pressing on with it because a. It's so farcical and b. They can't even prove what they are accusing him of (lying about whether he read a message on a group WhatsApp based on the fact WhatsApp has put a blue tick that he opened the message - it's not even offensive, just over a shift being cancelled). They aren't even disputing he was entitled to come in, it's basically you said you didn't read the message and we say you did so you've lied. Yesterday he worked a double shift on his day off, he's working today and tomorrow then Back in on Thursday.

dd doesn't finish school and activities til 6pm at least most nights as she has a lot of music commitments. Then she has homework etc and music practice, all we ask her to do is clear the table and do the occasional job.

we are all totally burnt out. We haven't had a proper family holiday since 2018 which was a week in Turkey, apart from a week self catering in France in 2021. Dh and I are off to Venice for 4 nights in March which dad had the audacity to moan about when o told him

I simply can't imagine being under that degree of stress, @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

This charity - Aging well without children - is trying to raise awareness and campaign about many of the issues highlighted above - I found it very interesting although I am not in this position myself but work for another charity who deal with lots of issues affecting older people, those with disabilities and their carers
https://www.awwoc.org/

Bloody hell @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

, @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew . That sounds appalling.

Oh StiffyByngs
Firstly I so get your post about just wanting everyone to eff off!
And so sorry you and DH are going through that.

Yes I fantasise about that too. For some reason everyone thinks I'm parked round the corner on standby ready to cater to their every want & need.
I had an extremely busy day yesterday; work, hospital, work, school run, & in the midst of all of that DF texts me to ask me to go and buy him some alcohol & drop it at the care home. In the opposite direction.
I called at 8pm & he says 'are you parked outside?' I said dad, you have another daughter you could ask you know.

Im default for everything, plus a demanding job that is going downhill because im so damn burnt out I can't remember anything. Im usually so organised and on top of my work.

DF expects me to drop whatever im doing at any given moment to help him. I just can't!!!!

Hang on, @JellyWellyBoots is he still ordering you about?

I thought you were having respite from his demands.
Why couldn't he call his sister to get his booze?

I'm angry for you. You're not getting any rest, are you.

You’re conflating two things there. It is possible to be happy that a loved one’s suffering has come to an end while at the same time feeling profoundly sad that you have lost them.

Although actually I do believe that the lives of the elderly are a lower priority than younger people, in the same way that my life as a 50 something is worth less than my children's. We’ll not agree then. I’m not going to agree my life is worth less than yours simply because I’m older.

Agree fully with all of this.

It's very natural to protect the young over the old where a choice has to be made - like women and children into lifeboats first. Is that protecting the young, or protecting those less equipped to help themselves?

the other day I had to send officers to attend the "sudden and unexpected death" of a 101 year old.
I mean, really ? Sudden ? Unexpected?
What if you had discovered that a burglar had entered and biffed her on the head? That daughter had put a pillow over her face, not because she was worn out with caring or because she believed the 101-year-old’s life was intolerable but because she was fed up of waiting for her inheritance? Surely you have to rule out non-natural causes?

If I remember correctly, the chance of a 101 year old living to 102 is still substantial.

but the level of input for someone in their 90s and clearly dying versus a 15 year old just seems insane to me. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to support a 90 year old in otherwise good health and enjoying life. So many of us on this board are saying we do not want to live with dementia or pain, we want the option of assisted dying. And that would free up a lot of resources.

but your hypothetical 15 year has MH issues - and they are unsupported at all ages. A 15 year old with physical issues would not have the same delays.

@SeriouslyAgain what’s happening to your daughter is unforgivable, and it’s a desperate situation for you. Remember everything I’m arguing is in genuine terms, and I’m in no way saying that the balance of resources is right.

It's possible I won't feel like this when I'm old, but I don't think it's unreasonable to use 'most likely to benefit', partly based on age, as a pro or con for medical interventions. Very reasonable to use “most likely to benefit”. Not happy about including age in that unless there is good evidence that age in itself affects the effectiveness.

the nhs rations resources but why do they go to people at the end of life rather than the beginning? They don’t always. Look at the waiting lists for knee replacements and cataract operations.

But rather than saying “you’re too old to waste money on, we need the money for younger people”, why on earth don’t we change our whole way of looking at medicine and put far more emphasis on quality of life and independent life, rather than on length of life? It is worth investing in 70 and 80 year-olds - they provide childcare and are the backbone of voluntary services. But many of us on this board are saying “I don’t want to be lingering with dementia” - so why on earth do we do it?

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I cannot imagine how you and your DH are coping with that

@TheShellBeach Yup. My sister called him and told him to leave me alone, without me even saying anything to her about it.

But he paid no attention.

FFS.

@MereDintofPandiculation thankyou

And to add to the stress work are intending changing the shift pattern that I have organised my entire life and caring responsibilities around for something which will have a negative impact on my caring responsibilities.

some days I just wish I was 12 again. Or 85 and in a nursing home myself so I don't have to worry about anything

Or 85 and in a nursing home myself so I don't have to worry about anything I don't know about 85 year olds, but there's no limit to what a 95 year old will find to worry about!

Hi. Just an update on my mum. The SW let me know yesterday that mum has a permanent place at her care home. At least we don’t have to go searching for an extra care living place as was suggested last week.
As for mum the realisation that this will be her permanent home is just setting in, and she’s not too happy about it. She’s asking to be taken out for the day somewhere, anywhere. I can’t contemplate this at the moment or ever, it feels too much, I’m not even sure she could get in and out of the car.
I desperately need to rest, I’ve had headache now for the last four days, and don’t feel good. And there’s still paperwork and her flat to clear out. Don’t know where to start to be honest, so I’m going to wait until next week.
Much love and strength to every one of you struggling with the oldies, it’s the most difficult thing. It’s going to take me a long time to remember who I am again and I know it’s changed who I am forever.

Great news @Metoo15
totally agree, these last 3 years have taken a huge toll, I feel like I have aged 20 years.

Of course the life of a 15 year old is worth more than that of a 90 year old, I shocked anyone would think otherwise. I'm sure you’ll come back with some but, but, but suppose the 15 year old has end stage cancer with days to live and the 90 year old runs marathons. Well suppose they're like the vast majority of 15 and 90 year olds instead. So if you have one space in the lifeboat and you can only save one of them, what would you do? Toss a coin? It's a complete no brainer to me, you rescue the 15 year old. In fact I would go further, the moral dilemma for me would be whether to push the 90 year old out of the boat so the 15 year old kid could get in. Even NICE makes calculations including number of years likely to benefit.
I'm old as well btw.

Hearing you @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew. What a relentless grind. The only thing I can say is nothing at all... there isn't an answer for any of it.

@Metoo15 I really hope the home will do outings where it's possible - though it so often isn't, that's the point. I took my mum out for Christmas day 2 years ago and it was the most exhausting thing I have ever done, and requiree special sign off because it was risky. And at the end as I crawled away from my mums room with an hour's drive in the dark still ahead of me, one if the staff said cheerily 'now you've done it once you can do it again!' I wanted to hit him.

@Metoo15 very good news about your mother and the care home.
Let her settle in. Just tell her you've got something like flu at the moment, to give you a reason not to arrange a day out with her, which will kill you physically and mentally.