Sad at the lives my elderly parents have now.

[todahlou]

Visited my elderly parents and while they are still living independently they don't ever go out anymore except to the shops. Mum's mobility is poor now but she won't use any aids to get about. She hates being stuck in all day but won't go out even if I offer to take her anywhere in the car. She just watches TV all day. Its Christmas coming up and they just can't be bothered with any of it I offered to put some decorations up for them (and to come back and take them down after) but they refused. I am doing Christmas Day with my husband's family this year but will see my parents over the festive period. They won't come to us at all as they don't like to be away from home.

My older sister still lives with them she is in her early 50's, she never left home and while she does work she just stays in her room most of the time even when I am visiting, she has no real friends and never goes out unless she absolutely has to she just lives online and through her tv shows.

I remember back to when all us kids were still at home and my parents were young and everything seemed normal, we had such lovely Christmases but now it feels quite bleak. Mum has been on anti-depressants for years and they never seem to do much. Dad is ok, he just potters about in the garage in his own world but he seems happy enough.

I don't know perhaps this is all very normal?

Are they content with their lives? My DH (late seventies) is similar. He will go to our daughter's house, but generally sits playing games on his phone. I am younger and like getting out, so I go on my own.

It sounds as if they are in their own routine and wouldn't be comfortable living any other way.

You are very good to be concerned for them, but you might be worrying needlessly.

No, it sounds really sad - particularly for your sister who has never had much of a life. A lot of people find their world shrinking as they get older but it does sound excessive. If you’ve offered to help, take them on outings etc and been refused I guess they are content with it?
My parents are late 70s and still travel, have lots of hobbies, meet friends etc.

That does sound extremely sad 😢

@Mojolostforever My Dad is kind of ok, but my mum is miserable, she might be happier if she could get out and do more but she refuses to accept her mobility issues and use any aids like a wheelchair.

I thought you were going to say they were stuck in a car home and you were unable to visit or something. But they’re still living at home and independent. They have relatives who care and want to spend time with them. The offer is there for them to do more if they want it. They sound happy to just stay at home 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Patchworksack Yeah my sisters life has been really sad, she did used to have more of a life but had a big romantic disappointment in her 20's she never recovered from. She used at least go out to work but since the pandemic hit she is wfh and no hardly leaves her room, never mind the house! I've tried so many times to get her to come and do things with me that she used to enjoy even for a look round the shops and some tea and cake but she always says no.

Many elderly people refuse to accept mobility aids.

I use a wheelchair following an accident some years ago.

When my dad got bowel cancer and was too frail to walk he resolutely refused to use a wheelchair. He did bend as far as a stick but it had to be a wooden one.

He preferred not to go out.

To be fair getting around in a manual wheelchair is bloody exhausting. The electric ones are much better than they used to be but still tricky to manoeuvre inside.

@Octavia64 I would be happy to go and help her, get her out of the house, drive her and push her round the shops or wherever she wanted to go. They have plenty of money also so she could buy a powered wheelchair. DH's uncle used a mobility scooter to get about, he avoided it for ages but one sunny day decided just to try it and he never looked back.

Of course it is their choice but it does make me sad.

I don't think my Mum or Sister are happy, my sisters life revolves around escapist behaviours because she is so unhappy with her life and my mum is miserable. There probably isn't anything I can do to change or fix it but its just so sad.

I think this is lots of people's realities. It's depressing to you and me, but ultimately they're comfortable.

I am sure if you were elderly you wouldn't want your own children to be worrying about how to help you. But at the same time you can do some occasional tiny thing that will make a difference even if nothing changes at all after, e.g just go and forceably put a Christmas tree up! They'll probably moan, but they will appreciate it eventually

@closingdownsale Yeah I intend to go round and make sure they have decorations, I won't do anything to overwhelm them but enough to ensure a bit of festive cheer!

I think your mum is making the situation worse for herself by not using any equipment??? My name mum was exactly the same used to drive me mad. Unfortunately if she won't except help not much you can do x big hugs x you can only try

How old are they?

That does sound really sad. But ultimately they're making their own choices and you can't force change on them. Some people just do make bad decisions.

My mum is similar; her world has got very small now, but she won't accept any changes that might help. I think that she has significant cognitive decline and just can't deal with ideas or activities outside her daily routine in the house. Sometimes people stay in a rut for so long that their brains can't really adapt to anything else, sadly.

If mum has mobility problems she may also have continence issues and is scared about having an accident. My mum hated using walking aids, it's a loss of independence. Would they be interested in visiting a day centre

I wouldn't force decorations on them if they've said they don't want them! Not everyone is thrilled by Christmas decs.

DH and I haven't had Christmas decs or a Christmas tree since 2018. Just seems like a lot of faff and bother just for the two of us - and then more faff and bother after Christmas to get rid of it all!

If we were hosting a family get together at Christmas, then I'd take the trouble of getting a tree and lugging the decorations out of the loft. But nobody will be coming to the house, so nobody will see it apart from us this year and I'm not sure I can be arsed with any of it!

@FoxyLocksie I'll be the one putting them up and taking them down I also wouldn't put up anything that would get in their way.

I understand how you feel OP. It's a similar situation with my parents. My dad has very limited mobility and really can't go out much. My mum looks after him and is just completely worn down by it. Their lives seems so small and sad. I remember how they used to be. Always happy and out and about. I'm too far to help them much and I feel sadness every day about how they are and how little I can do.
I think old age is brutal and really diminishes people and their lives.

My mum doesn’t go out much, mostly for medical appointments, and never on her own now but she lives in her own home can potter round tidying and light cleaning, she can get out into her garden in warm weather. She can eat what she fancies and can make a cuppa whenever she likes. We go to visit her, my son takes her great grandchildren to visit, she enjoys television, reading and puzzles she says she is content. She has a much better quality of life than my MIL had in a nursing home with just a bedroom and meals and cuppa’s at set times and she chose not to mix with the other residents or go out into the garden because of her dementia.

@SallyWD It really does doesn't it? I am so thankful they are still here but I just wish they could have a better quality of life. DH's parents are older but they still have really full lives.

Old age can be brutal. But I agree there's an extent to which it's what you make of it.
My Mum had Type II and arthritis and heart failure and her mobility sucked - but she got a mobility scooter and would be out playing bridge, going to stately homes or flower shows or trips out and holidays.
I have some other older relatives who also have restricted mobility and I do worry that they restrict themselves unnecessarily. I ventured to try and arrange a meetup with a couple of other relatives of the same generation and ... Ok, maybe they just don't like 'em, don't want to meet but don't want to say it explicitly, but it was very much NOT "well how can we make this happen safely" and more "nothing anyone suggests will be acceptable, regardless of what it is".
Not much you can do TBH...

I get it. There’s an element of ‘writing themselves off’ - my dad has MS but is good in his wheelchair but my mum often takes the view ‘oh we couldn’t possibly do that’ whenever I raise a suggestion like taking dad out in a black cab style taxi for a pub lunch or something. It’s a mindset thing - she has always been a bit ‘oh no that’s too hard, we’ll stay home’. She prefers her home comforts but on the rare occasions I’ve tempted her out she always says she’s having a great time.

Anyway, now they stay at home, watch their programmes, chain smoke and drink too much to escape it all. Mum’s only 61 and I hate the idea that they’ve just given up on life but there’s not much I can do about it. They also see Christmas as a drag - this predates dad’s MS but as soon as we left home mum said to me ‘I’m so pleased we don’t have to bother with all that any more’ which was quite sad.

Mum’s had a hard life - typical ‘caring for everyone’ role of a late boomer woman - but won’t let anyone take care of her, and equally won’t look after herself despite how many times I’ve told her it’s harder to pour from an empty cup.

No advice, but much sympathy. Must be so hard to see a sibling go the same way too.

I agree - this is how many of us live in our seventies (I am 77) and it suits us to live a pared-back life.
I live on my own and fill the days with pottering in the house and garden. reading. walking the dog or driving to visit family nearby. I love visiting the garden centre and going on a hill-walking (gentle hills) holiday with my dog.
I do not travel far from home but I don't need to (or want to).
My nearby family are busy so I don't rely much on them as I try to be independent.
Will string some decs on a large pot plant and be happy with that.

I am active and still work part time on a voluntary basis but I can report getting old is complete shit.

It’s understandable how sad this makes you feel. My parents both have dementia, and it tears me apart at times.

Someone said something really helpful to me a few weeks back. They told me to worry less about quality of life, and more about quality of communication. Sometimes I feel my heart close to exploding as I want to make everything better for them, but this advice just makes me focus on the here and now when I’m with them.