Sad at the lives my elderly parents have now.

[todahlou]

Visited my elderly parents and while they are still living independently they don't ever go out anymore except to the shops. Mum's mobility is poor now but she won't use any aids to get about. She hates being stuck in all day but won't go out even if I offer to take her anywhere in the car. She just watches TV all day. Its Christmas coming up and they just can't be bothered with any of it I offered to put some decorations up for them (and to come back and take them down after) but they refused. I am doing Christmas Day with my husband's family this year but will see my parents over the festive period. They won't come to us at all as they don't like to be away from home.

My older sister still lives with them she is in her early 50's, she never left home and while she does work she just stays in her room most of the time even when I am visiting, she has no real friends and never goes out unless she absolutely has to she just lives online and through her tv shows.

I remember back to when all us kids were still at home and my parents were young and everything seemed normal, we had such lovely Christmases but now it feels quite bleak. Mum has been on anti-depressants for years and they never seem to do much. Dad is ok, he just potters about in the garage in his own world but he seems happy enough.

I don't know perhaps this is all very normal?

If you offer to help and they refuse then I think you have to accept that they’re doing as they wish - whatever they are not changing, they are choosing.
Its okay that you don’t understand - do as you wish to do and give them the same agency.
I understand why it might be upsetting - my mum is capable of living a much fuller life than she does - but she doesn’t have any motivation to take action to change, therefore, I have to respect her choices 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tbh, it sounds not dissimilar to my parents lives.
My mum dislikes going away and has done so fir years now. It used to drive my dad bonkers but he has accepted it now.

As fir accepting using a wheelchair …. I think until it’s you that has to accept your mobility is that reduced, I wouldn’t be judging. It’s a very hard thing to accept, esp when you are older. So on a rational pov, it might feel like the right decision but on an emotional pov…. It’s a whole different kettle if fish.

As an aside, as a wheelchair user, I HATE being pushed around. An electric wheelchair is great but does need to get used to. But I hated the dependency of being pushed and not going where I want, how I want (and people have hated when they pushed me and I said ‘please can you there? Hold in, not that fast, I want to look at this’ etc….

I think people like your sister are more common than ever. I know several people like that - people who hardly go out, have no real life friends, etc. It’s just so easy to isolate yourself now, what with the Internet, video games, Netflix, DVD boxsets, etc. I don’t think they’re particularly unhappy. Not all of them anyway. That’s the odd thing. On the other hand, I know several people with busy lives - a husband, kids, hectic social life, a career, etc - who seem far more unhappy than the loners.

I am so thankful they are still here but I just wish they could have a better quality of life.

Quality of life according to who? And according to which criteria?
Some people are introvert and being at home is where they like to be. They don’t want a full life filled with outside activities. Why should you your life only be worthy or full and interesting if you are ‘doing things’ and more precisely ‘doing stuff outside the house’

On that score, your sadness is more about you and how you’d judge your life if it was ‘reduced’ to that than about the quality of life of your parents - esp seen your dad seems quite content with littering about!

I'm nearer 70 than 60 and for the past 2 years have only been able to hobble a few excruciatingly painful steps at a time leaning heavily on two sticks.

Last time I went to the corner shop (before the first lockdown) I had to abandon my shopping trolley and leave, because the queue for the check out was so long I realised if I stood waiting I was going to collapse before reaching the till, and certainly wouldn't be able to walk the 150 yards home afterwards.

I used to have a capacious shopping trolley that could handle a big shop of heavy items, it was the kind with two wheels that you pull along behind you. Impossible to do once you reach the stage of needing to lean on a couple of sticks.

I started wondering if there were trolleys that you push in front of you, that were stable enough not to tip over if leant on, and discovered that they existed and some of them were designed to also be used as seats (solving the problem of long queues for the checkout).

Since my legs are too feeble to lift me without assistance from my arms I paid a bit more to get the version with armrests. https://www.walkandrest.com/armrest-shopper/28-58-the-new-armrest-shopper-red.html

When it arrived (already assembled in the huge box) the first thing I did after unfolding it and working out how to set the brake was to tentatively lower myself onto the seat, to my relief it was just the right height from the ground, very comfortable, and stayed steady when I hoisted myself upright pushing on the armrests.

It also turned out to be much easier and smoother to walk with compared to shuffling along with a couple of sticks. I'm still very slow but can lean all my weight on the handle, shoving the trolley along in front of me, and concentrate on using my legs properly. It's not just a combined shopping trolley, zimmer frame and mobile personalised park bench, it's a rehabilitation aid!

After a couple of years of not being able to walk to the postbox (25m from my front door), I now have the confidence to venture a little bit further every day. My leg muscles are very weak and atrophied, but when I get tired I can safely stop anywhere and just plonk myself down for a rest. The older and more doddery I've got, the more I notice how few and far between the outdoor seating options are. When the weather gets warmer I'm going to pack a thermos and biccies into the trolley basket and park up somewhere sunny for a tea break.

I love it and wish I'd discovered it last year.

Exactly. This is a very important point. What really counts is happiness. For many introverts, a busy social life, with friends constantly popping round, parties every weekend, etc, would be torture. People seem to think that the more friends you have and the more you go out the happier you will be. It just isn’t true. What matters is living life in a way that suits you.

People saying that they are just introverts and happy as they are, did you actually read my post? My mum is miserable and always moaning about not being able to get out. My sister isn't happy either and just uses the internet and tv shows to escape.

I am an introvert myself and am not a huge one for parties or going out all the time but for a relatively healthy woman in her 50's to just live from one escapist activity to the next and hardly ever come own of her room is a shit life. She doesn't have any creative hobbies or healthy outlet at all. If people chose to stay home but are mostly happy doing there awn thing that is fine, my Dad is a bit like that but my mum and sister are anything but happy.

I think some people are projecting their own preferences on to my family rather than actually reading what I wrote.

I understand you want things to be different for them, but there's only so much you can do. You can make suggestions and offers, but if they won't take you up on it, then leave it. I've been there, trying to persuade my DM to be more sociable, to arrange things in her life differently but she digs her heels in, and ultimately it's not my decision. I've taken a step back mentally, for my own wellbeing and the sake of our relationship. I still make suggestions and offers if she brings someone, but often she just wants to moan and not actually fix the thing.

@todahlou that sounds sad, especially for your sister as she is still young enough to make a whole new life if she wished.

I am an a long term single Introvert and love being home, but I still go holiday and meet up with friends etc. I like doing stuff on my own as well, even if its just going into town or taking my dog to park where there are lots of people on their own, and I nearly always end up having a chat to someone.

it sounds like you have tried hard to get your mum and sis out, could you ask your sister for help that would involve getting her out of house?

People saying that they are just introverts and happy as they are, did you actually read my post? My mum is miserable and always moaning about not being able to get out

But she won't use mobility aids and won't go out when you offer to take her. She has to help herself a bit here. My DM was the same - admittedly she was mobile - she moaned about her life and never seeing anyone or going anywhere but never lifted a finger to do anything about it, just expected a social life to come to her.

It is tricky.

My DF moans all the time about how boring life is and never makes the effort to do anything.

He will come out if I invite him somewhere, and I've given him details about clubs etc he can go to locally but getting him to actually do things is like pulling teeth.

You can’t always save people from themselves, OP. You have tried, offered… and you can’t reduce your life to their self imposed horizons, so go to your DH’s family and have a lovely time.

I feel so much the same, OP. My DM has cognitive impairment (which I think is the start of dementia), arthritis and IBS. She's depressed, anxious and socially withdrawn. She hardly goes out now, and just sits at home, fretting about her health and the fact that she can no longer remember or properly understand things. She won't use mobility aids, but even if she would, I think her cognitive decline would stop her having the confidence to go out. My dad is still relatively fine (though noticeably aging now), but his own life is also getting smaller as he's increasingly reluctant to leave her alone for long.

There's no way she's happy. She's given up all of her hobbies, and she's constantly repeating the same concerns about her health. She doesn't even really want to talk with us on the phone any more, I think because she's finding conversations harder.

There are two things things that really scare me. The first is that this is likely to be just the start of perhaps years and years of decline - mum's only 77. The second is how thin the line is between the current situation and a crisis. At the moment, they're living totally independently - there are no care needs. But if anything happened to my dad (a fall, an illness, a stroke), then my mum would be instantly and totally unable to cope.

Sorry to hear this, op. Re your mum not using mobility aids, my experience is that my mum used to say she was too proud to use her frame. In fact she had lost confidence about going out and what made the difference was gentle encouragement and building up gradually- she used the excuse of being too proud as that seemed better to her than admitting being afraid.

Your sister’s situation is very sad.

They sound in a rut and depressed. The lockdowns seemed to accelerate the decline of many people.

Motivation for change needs to come from within, I’m not sure what more you can do.

OP said she was on antidepressants. Asking someone suffering from depression to help themselves may be asking something unachievable.

OP - can you get her to talk to the GP about reviewing her medicine?

When I’m depressed, it doesn’t matter how enticing the activity/holiday/entertainment is, all I can see is a whole list of problems to be solved, everyone of them beyond my energy levels.

@todahlou I’m afraid I don’t have much new to offer other than a handhold and to say that you could be describing my family situation.

My sister (late 40s still living with elderly parents due to finances and various health issues) is miserable. She at least goes out to see people most evenings but despairs whenever she has to spend more than one evening in the house. I feel for her.

Dad is disabled and I suspect suffering from depression - limited eating, sleeping lots. Mum is overstretched and resentful.

Like @SallyWD I don’t live close enough to help out more and feel immense guilt. It’s a crap situation for everyone…but at least we’re all still here.

I wonder if it's pride that is stopping your mum using a wheelchair/ walking aids?
My very active 85 year old dad was seriously ill two years ago,and went from riding his bike to work every day,to bring unable to sit up in bed unaided.
We were determined that we were going to get him mobile again,but he was very resistant to using a walker. ( He had no choice about the wheelchair as I had to get him to hospital appointments and it was the only way).
He only used the walker when I told him that I'd seen one of his contemporaries walking around the village with one. He accepted it after that,but I think that he didn't want to be seen as 'elderly' and 'infirm' by other people,and that was behind the refusal.
I sympathise,it is very frustrating.

I would have been horrified in my younger years to think I was living such a boring, limited life now in my late 40s. I have all this money and yet choose to go to bed early and am not remotely interested in going nightclubbing on a Wednesday. What people want from life changes a lot throughout the years and people of the same age vary hugely in what they find enjoyable. Are your sure your parents are actually unhappy with their lives, or is it just that you would hate to live that life now?

What will happen to your sister when anything happens to your parents @todahlou

I think some people are projecting their own preferences on to my family rather than actually reading what I wrote.

are you sure you aren't doing that yourself? what you wrote sounded like something might have been said about a family I know but they are all very happy in different ways.

The parents prefer to stay in, they like their home. You may say you mum wants to get out -but does she really? She's an adult, you are offering to help, she could get other help if she wanted to - maybe she doesnt.

The same is true of your sister. You may think it is all very sad and she's miserable but she may not be. I was in a not dissimilar position and was caring for my parents. It was tough I wont lie and it meant that I never went out - but it was my free choice. On paper, someone like you would have judged it as very sad but I liked avoiding the horrible bullies at the office and working from home, I enjoyed the peace and quite of home life with my parents but most of all, I got a huge sense of (not sure what the right word is here ) but something like well-being, soul-satisfaction, knowing that I was caring for my parents and making them happy. Plus I got more one-on -one time with them at the end of their life that I would never get otherwise.

All I'm saying is that it doesn't follow that because people are choosing to live their life a particular way that it is "sad" in that sense. I will never regret livign at home and caring for my parents. It will forever be one of the greatest achievements of my life because it was so hard but it gave me a great sense of love and joy that I couldnt get in any other way.

Maybe your DM only wants a listening ear and some sympathy ( which I'm sure you give her) rather a focus on solutions. I used to try to solve everyone's problems but have stopped and just listen now and say oh, that's sad etc. and say I'm here if they want to go out and leave them be.

It is sad when you see a loved one not making the most of life or what you feel is their potential but you can't control people. They are all adults.

You can’t. You just will be unable to visit.

Dh pulled mil up on judging someone who got out of a wheelchair to walk up a couple of steps. That’s exactly the kind of attitude that she now fears from other people, and her life is shrinking rapidly as a result. She was quite embarrassed by her friend , who has had a stroke, coming out to a meal and causing a fuss (the waiters had to rearrange seats to accommodate her wheelchair) and was annoyed that she inconvenienced everyone by coming. Mil can only manage short distances now, but shouts loudly that fil is slowing her down.

That deep streak of ableism is very common in the older generation . At best it’s a sort of pitying stance towards the physically disabled that can seem benign. By no means universal but definitely common. Even if they do get over their own internalised prejudices, they’re still facing considerable peer judgement.

It seems so unnecessary and limiting but I’ve no idea how to get past those self inflicted blocks