Living in own home

[SeriouslyAgain]

This is just going to be the bloody death of me. I'm very 'lucky' that we have enough money for 24 hour care at home for my mum.
But aside from the constant phone calls about mum, it's the constant bloody phone calls about the house.
Just been trying to unblock a toilet because god only knows what's being put down them. Mum doesn't even use the toilet because she's in pads. But about once a month one or other toilet is blocked.
And if it's not that, it's the toilet seat being broken, or a bulb needs changing or 'the fridge is making a funny noise' or the dishwasher isn't working or the radiators need bleeding. What in God's name do people do?! I hardly ever have these issues in my house, which is way smaller and with more people in it so everything is used way more.
But on and fucking on it goes. Backwards and bloody forwards, me, my husband, tradesmen (but of course getting one on a wkend is bloody difficult and painfully expensive). Aaaaaargh. Just so bloody sick of it. Especially when mum has allegedly been about to die for about a year so I'm backwards and forwards trying to manage that too. But really, trying to scoop shit out of a toilet does make me wonder how long I can cope with keeping mum at home.

God that sounds unbelievably wearing.

Is your mum mobile?

Thank you for replying! I didn't really expect a reply - I just wanted to vent! But no, mum isn't mobile and basically her downstairs is set up with all sorts of equipment /hoists etc. Her life is utterly crap but the best I can do for her is make sure she stays at home with carers who make her life as normal as possible. But the poo really did make me think that I'm reaching the end of my tether!

So it must be the carers who poo?? I'd be tempted to give them a big jar of prunes for Christmas...

If Mum isnt mobile, then who is blocking the toilet?
Are the carers flushing wipes?
If so, you contact the 'agency' and tell them the next plumbing bill will be forwarded to them!

It might be, as it was in the case if my parents who had a live in carer, that things in the house are slowly wearing out. Possibly they did the house up many years ago and everything is old now.

Sorry that you have this stress.

I bet the carers are emptying the contents of the pads down the roller. Along with the wipes. As they will make the bin smell.

Just be grateful your mum doesn't have to go into a nursing home.

The house is definitely due a refurb, although it has had stuff done recently. But I can't do any of the big things with mum there. And often it just seems to be a lack of care. It's all set up like a Healthcare setting with separate bins for pads and things like that. I really can't do any more to try to make it manageable for them or for me. I do all the stuff like cleaning filters on machines, changing bulbs, bleeding radiators, and we have a handyman who comes and does stuff too. But still I had to spend my Saturday afternoon scooping shit out of a toilet.
Aaasrgh sorry to rant and thank you for listening.
It's the end of a long week of mum being at death's door and then staging miraculous recoveries. I just want to give up and put her in a home. (though obviously I won't)

That's what we had to do in the end. The wiring was very old and cut out a few times. DM was on an oxygen machine and used a stair lift.

Impossible to rewire with both parents in the home.

Yes it's the electrics that I'm worried about. Doing all the stuff I do is getting excruciating but obviously I don't really mind (as long as I can vent!) but if mum doesn't die soon, the house will 'die' before she does and I won't be able to keep her there. Constant worry.

Could you get a recommendation for a local handyman who could do most minor jobs?

Re the handyman thing, it's just that anything that isn't easily sorted is always ALWAYS at the week end. And the care cost so much + heating and all the other bills, that even though it's a drop in the ocean I feel I have to try to do a lot of the stuff myself. + I've got to be as helpful as possible for the carers and today, no available emergency plumbers even though I was so at my wits end that I was willing to pay the £120 call out charge. It's just impossible to run her life and house and my life and house without being driven mad.

Thank you all. It's all fine really in the grand scheme of life. It's just that it's been 12 years of trying to keep mum at home and I'm very very tired 😩

I feel your pain op, I worried about my df recently. He is/was 71 & went home after a long stay in hospital, he had a bad infection. He was found after lying in a state that is too painful to go into for acouple of days. Miraculously he survived but ended up confused with an acceleration in dementia we didn't even know he had. Cue 4 care visits a day into his warden accommodation, he complained that somebody was always there so this was decreased to 3 visits. The carers did an amazing job doing what they could, unfortunately my dads needs were such that he should have been in a home.
The carers provided meals, drinks for my dad which unbeknown to us he hadn't been having much of. They washed up & gave him his meds, made sure he went to the toilet, got him up in the morning. He went himself so no pads/pants like he had when in hospital.
I felt reassured he was okay because carers were with him, the hospital had advised he could home with a care package. I spoke to him, and his speech was a lot better, his confusion less, and we had a good conversation. He had a loss of appetite and wanted to sleep. One day, a carer went in, and my dad had got tangled & stuck in this bedsheets. It was terrible. He was due social care to come in and assess how he was doing, only he died a month later after the hospital discharge through UTI & consequent sepsis. I wonder if a care home would have made a difference? He wanted to to home so badly, I really think he would have died in one of those not much later, he would have been devastated and already had no quality of life just sitting in his living room staring at a wall.
Now I have to face Christmas without my beautiful dad, and it hurts like hell.

Have you registered as a career with your GP? When I did that I was introduced to several helpful agencies. Is your mum under the care of an hospice? She doesn’t need to be imminently about to die to be cared for by a hospice and she can still stay in her own home. Speak to your GP about this. The hospice nurse was so helpful to me and managed to get NHS continuing healthcare for my dad which meant his live in carer was completely funded. He lived with me which I suppose may have made my life a bit easier in some respects but I needed to get away sometimes. I had a free carer from Crossroads care who came in for 3 hours a week to give me a break. Have you got siblings who could take some of the load now and again?
You must try and I know it’s hard to make sure your role is your mother’s daughter not her carer, the time you have with her now is limited and you clearly love her so make sure you have some nice memories made.
There is help out there but you may have to fight for it. Good luck!

Sympathies, my 90-year-old DM is determined to stay in her own home, and whilst she doesn't need as much care as yours, it's the unpredictability of what's going happen and being called away, and needing to deal with crises when you've got your own plans to make and your own life to lead. I was still having to deal with her crises whilst going through cancer treatment (I'm not quite sure what I need to do to be the person most in need of support in my family!) We have had conversations at the hospital many times about her not being expected to live, but she always bounces back, which is obviously great, but she's so unrealistic about the pressure it puts me under. If she can't continue to live in the house without constant involvement from you, maybe it isn't sustainable any more.

Thank you all again (and sorry for your loss Fingate - for what it's worth, which is not much, I think that your dad being in his own home was absolutely the right thing)
I'm not even her carer. She has live-in care. But somehow I still end up there 3 times a week. I literally have no idea how some posters deal with doing the actual caring. If I had to change mum's nappies too, I think I would just crumble into a pile of dust.
As it is, I'm a mixture of handyman, housekeeper, counsellor to the carers, gp/district nurse liaison, whilst trying to stop the constant calling of ambulances which my poor mum doesn't want because the last place she wants to die is on a geriatric ward.
Love peace, thank you yes she has just been put on some palliative pathway but within hours made a full recovery 😂

Still, small mercies, I do have Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare so at least I have some control over the major life and death decisions to make sure mum's wishes are respected.
I'm such an expert now on elderly care I think I should start some kind of information hub 😂

Sierra, can't begin to imagine cancer on top of everything else... That really does put my poo-scooping into perspective! Hope things are better now

If your mum is considered end of life, she may be eligible for fast track continuing health care. This would mean the NHS would have to have a care co ordinator for her, in order to plan her needs and would cover both her health care and her social needs.

it is very difficult and I feel for you. House issues aside, do you feel confident in the quality of care they are providing to your mum. Is she capacious and able to tell you her experiences of the care?

Finally, would respite be an option if not CHC? Our LA will provide up to 8 weeks respite a year, and care agencies should accept planned respite breaks. Two weeks may enable you to get some maintenance tasks done. And if your mum settles, you may consider it a better option for the longer term?

Just some thoughts….I am an adult care SW.

You are clearly doing a marvellous job, and you are still a carer even though not providing the physical care. It is hugely draining and clearly, it has been ongoing for you for many years. You should feel very proud of yourself.

Best of luck.

Mum's got fairly advanced dementia, among other things. She hated carers when it first got to that but I think she's kind of got used to it now. The care agency are super-posh and eye-wateringly expensive and I think the carers are better than I expected. But variable!
I wonder about getting a respite break in a care home... Might build myself up to looking at it in the new year.

@FinghateXmasThisYr Accidents happen whatever the setting. You gave your Dad some quality of life, remember that. It doesn't do to go into “what ifs”. It would have been torture to him to put him in a care home when he so strongly didn’t want to . Once you get old, quality of life is more important than amount of life. And that you gave him.

@SeriouslyAgain I wonder whether you can get a “property manager” to deal with repairs and workmen? Property management firm or lettings department of an estate agent might be a place to look.

Secondly, be a bit more robust in triaging events. A bit more “I’ll make sure the handyman has it top if his list when he comes round on Wednesday”, a bit less “I’ll be with you in 10 minutes to change a bulb”. And let your phone go to answer phone for at least an hour a day when you relax.

I've thought about some kind of property management, but it's tricky. There are maintenance companies that I could probably use if I could definitely trust the people going in and could afford the eye-watering fees! (£150 for an 18 minute weekend call-out 😭 was the latest one).
I think Im really hard-hearted about triaging, but recently the ambulance-calling and vast-pooing have both required a fairly swift response!
Thank you so much to everyone for replying. Yesterday afternoon I was crying about it. But I'm already back to sort of seeing the funny side, and that's partly because I was able to vent and people on here were nice to me!
THANK YOU

My sympathy. My mum is at home too and yes the house maintenance on top of mums care is a drain. The house was always immaculate when mum and dad were in full health, it’s quite sad to see. Now I’m nursing through a number of minor issues in the hope they stay minor and don’t turn major, and then the house will eventually be sold as a doer-upper. I’m not close enough to pop over if there’s an emergency.

it also doesn’t help when mum fiddles with things and then denies it/has no memory of it. Last week it was the heating, and she twiddled the clock so it was going off during the day and on at night and then she complained it was cold.