Living in own home

[SeriouslyAgain]

This is just going to be the bloody death of me. I'm very 'lucky' that we have enough money for 24 hour care at home for my mum.
But aside from the constant phone calls about mum, it's the constant bloody phone calls about the house.
Just been trying to unblock a toilet because god only knows what's being put down them. Mum doesn't even use the toilet because she's in pads. But about once a month one or other toilet is blocked.
And if it's not that, it's the toilet seat being broken, or a bulb needs changing or 'the fridge is making a funny noise' or the dishwasher isn't working or the radiators need bleeding. What in God's name do people do?! I hardly ever have these issues in my house, which is way smaller and with more people in it so everything is used way more.
But on and fucking on it goes. Backwards and bloody forwards, me, my husband, tradesmen (but of course getting one on a wkend is bloody difficult and painfully expensive). Aaaaaargh. Just so bloody sick of it. Especially when mum has allegedly been about to die for about a year so I'm backwards and forwards trying to manage that too. But really, trying to scoop shit out of a toilet does make me wonder how long I can cope with keeping mum at home.

@SeriouslyAgain I didn't get round to doing the diarising... Dad was just too tired. But sadly I've put off my lessons/exams for the next couple of weeks until January which gives me more breathing space to get Dad sorted. Will be working through his specialists one by one and calling them to make sure I am the main contact now re appointments.

I don't think any care home forces you into jollity - or eating in the dining room - there's always the option to have your meals in your own room if you don't want to mix with others.
My MIL went into a care home after she'd had a stroke and couldn't get to the loo on her own any more (she was 97). She'd had care with housework, meals delivered etc. for years. She (and ourselves) hoped she'd improve enough to go back home but she never regained decent mobility despite physio. With hindsight, perhaps if we'd thought to arrange intensive private physio she might have improved a bit more; however with her in the care home the relief from stress for her safety and from time having to travel over an hour each way to sort out niggling problems at her house was tremendous.
The home had a nice big garden and good lounge areas. It had been purpose built as a retirement home for nurses but is now run by a charity. What would have made it perfect would have been a swimming pool. She'd have been able to exercise without her mobility being such a handicap.
She used to keep an eye on the carers and give them marks out of 10 (the agency staff called in could be so-so) and complain forcefully if she thought they weren't up to standard. She was very sharp up to the end at 101 - no dementia.

I think once someone's at the stage when they're dependent on a carer's timings for meals or the choice from Wiltshire Farm Foods the menu at a care home becomes much more enticing! The elderly people I shopped for in one of the lockdowns had got beyond food prep so it was all steam bags of veg, white bread and ready meals. Same with gardens - no matter how much they loved it, once they're at the point when it becomes overwhelming to maintain it, or organise someone else to, that's when a care home with a lovely garden maintained for you becomes
a great prospect.

Certainly the one we used got interested residents into potting on seedlings type activities. I don't think anyone was forced to eat with someone they didn't want to - they seemed to be grouped into friendship groups. Some of this is finding the right home - my relative would have loathed Bingo or watching Strictly, for instance, but loved the daily discussion on the newspapers, the book group, the weekly visit and service from the vicar and a local sixth former who popped in to play the piano.

But some of that is also about having the money and the time in advance to find the home that's right for you and to be able to pay for it. Too often it becomes an emergency decision and wherever there's space.

Fair enough its not your idea of a great time, but the alternative is expecting your spouse, children, grandchildren to make huge efforts to keep an elderly person at home.
Years ago you got old, then ill then you died. Now we can live on in poor health for decades, with some poor bugger doing the donkey work just so granny can have an illusion of independence.
its not something i want my kids doing for me.

I am that poor bugger. But I can see it from my mums side too. It’s one of the reasons it is such a tough situation.

User that is so true. And even with DNR, letter of wishes stating minimal interventions etc, it's still really difficult to stop the constant 'but we've got to keep x alive'.
And the 'illusion of independence' is the perfect phrase. The illusion is long over for my mum, but half my job when I cared for her was pretending that I wasn't (oh silly me, look I made twice as much lasagne as we needed. Please will you take it - I hate throwing food away)!
Funnel, me too!

I don't think any care home forces you into jollity - or eating in the dining room - there's always the option to have your meals in your own room if you don't want to mix with others. One person on this board has commented eating in the dining room was compulsory at their home. And “encouragement” is common

That sounds horrendous, so much nicer to be in your own home.

And the needle returns to the start of the song thread…

Nicer for whom and how much should other people sacrifice and for how long in order for that to happen?

I wonder if I should start a very objective thread about pros and cons of care home vs at home. Or resurrect an old one if one exists.
Maybe it's been done to death (no pun intended!) or maybe everyone's circumstances are so specific to them that it wouldn't help.

Trouble is, it's so subjective. I tend to think care home is better but that's because my elderly relatives were mostly at a distance, stressed out, frightened and struggling to maintain house/garden, victim of scams, very few visitors as friends had died and v few relatives so extremely isolated at home, reliant on freezer meals and hospital volunteer transport.

Whereas at the type of home where you can join a few activities with like-minded people, have people to talk to at mealtimes if you want, almost everything is provided so no need to worry about it. That gave them a new lease of life. But not all homes are like that - some they just seem to sit without moving with the TV blaring all day. Or have the enforced jollity going on.

And someone who is frail but lives somewhere manageable surrounded by friends and relatives in nearby streets could well be better off at home!

See, I've always thought the set up with 3 or 4x carers a day had the massive disadvantage of still needing somebody to be in charge of overseeing it, paying bills, house maintenance, anything out of the ordinary (who washes out of season duvets, de-scales the kettle etc?), shopping, collecting prescriptions etc etc. And even with that set up the person could still be on their own and very isolated for more than 20 hours a day.

it is just an ongoing debate really I guess. and also, it must often be taken out of our hands. ie, it happens suddenly out of necessity, or it happens in advance of being needed. But anywhere in the middle it becomes vague and a battle of wills.

Anyway... in the meantime, advice please re carers. We now have 3 or 4, working 24/7 and I'm just sorting out the schedules.

But, the constant whatsapps take soooo much time! Constant telling me eg 'run out of tea leaves', (so tell Dad and he orders from Amazon). Need more washing powder (so pop to the shops when you pop out, and buy it).... or asking again and again where spare sheets are, etc. It takes so much time just responding. I'm not really clear on exactly their role vs mine, especially re making his dinner etc.

Any tips and advice on managing the carers would be very welcome. It wasn't what I imagine to be a normal recruitment process because it has evolved from housekeeping to caring hence my lack of clarity etc.

Thank you! :)

Yep! Ongoing with no right answers and often a battle of wills which is only won or lost when a crisis hits 🙄.
Nerves, are the carers from an agency? In which case, a long email to them that they can pass on to all the carers?
Either way, if they're 24/7, that should involve an element of running the household. Nothing too heavy obviously, but they should be doing what your dad would have done were he able to, like buying in necessary household items. If they can't find stuff, maybe label drawers and cupboards?
It may not have reached this stage yet, but is it worth getting a carer card so that if something's needed they can pop to the shops without having the extra step of somehow organising payment?

Thank you... that's a good idea, a 'carer card'. I've just recently sorted out myself having one. The banks don't make these things easy.

The carers we have atm are private. 2 were recommended through a family member, and 2 more I met today also recommended, by a friend, so we should have a team of 4 set up pretty soon which hopefully will help.

I think it has been harder this week because the main, first carer, has had to handover to new carers, and so they have needed things explaining again, and it all takes so long.. Dad can be fussy, and also rude in a way that old people are and I find it quite hard. For example, if he wants something done, or passed to him, he'll just point at it and motion, or beckon me or something, and doesn't use please and thank you much!

He does however, say thank you as I leave, and I hear him on the phone telling people how marvellous I'm being, so I do at least feel appreciated in his heart which is nice.

It is such a steep uphill learning curve.

I chatted on the phone to a friend this week and she was actually quite offhand with me and said she thinks I've got away lightly so far and she has several friends who are carers themselves 24/7 and can't ever get a break and that I'm very lucky. I was quite taken aback, especially as she does nothing for her elderly parents who have live in care and she complains to me that she won't help them as they did nothing for her when her kids were babies. But a cheek to tell me I have had it light so far and not to complain. I wasn't complaining in seriousness, just like we do here.. light relief / banter / support about it.. x

Hi I’d love to talk about care home v carers. My mum just had seven week in hospital, taken in with confusion and high bp.
Mum went to a care home on Monday and hates it,all she says is I won’t be here long !
It’s definitely where she needs to be at the moment, she’s 92, but i am expecting her to rally she always has done before,and she’s very strong willed. It’s worrying me and I can’t relax. She’s local authority funded, on a temporary basis. As I understand it the rent will be paid, for her flat for up to a year, then a decision has to be made, if she becomes permanent or not.

Nerves, the bloody cheek of your friend! How weird! Try to ignore I guess (tho on other bits of MN, probably 'go non-contact', dump all mutual friends for good measure and then immediately contact the police to say you've been abused' 🤣). I'm so thankful that my friends are super sympathetic.
Limetree, most of what I hear is that the majority do eventually settle in care homes so your mum may end up enjoying it? You can see it as a bit of a trial run for the future I guess? And although it's really important, obviously, to give thought and respect to the elderly person's wishes, sometimes their wishes just aren't feasible. She sounds like a very feisty independent lady!

@SeriouslyAgain that made me actally laugh... shall I ltb too while I'm at it?!

and why oh why did I not check my pockets for tissues before turning the washing machine on, especially as I had a cold last week...

I've spent way too long on MN today between doctors' calls! I think I'm starting to get into the swing of it 😂 (oops re the tissues!)

SeriouslyAgain. Thank you. She really is very feisty ! That’s part of the problem 🤪 that and being stubborn. She’ll try her best to prove us wrong, of course I want her to get stronger and enjoy life, but I can see if she’s not able to go home she’s going to be one very miserable lady.

 I’ve been wanting a care home for mum for the past four years, now she’s in there all I’m going is worrying about her coming out. Can’t win  🤦‍♀️

Limetree, despite me starting this thread because I was at the end of my tether (!) it might be worth looking into at-home care for your mum? I think they usually do (depending where they are of course) up to 4 visits a day. Also then if worst comes to worst and your mum has to stay where she is, you can at least tell her that you've tried to get her home.

Hi thanks for the info but mum already had carers 4 times a day. It was a source of frustration for her as they really didn’t do very much, but they were there just to check on her really She wanted them to clean, but of course they won’t do any, she was always angry with them.
Mum knows at the moment she couldn’t cope, but we’ll have to see how she gets on.

Worth using attendance allowance for a cleaner. It’s one more person to keep an eye out.

I wonder if I should start a very objective thread about pros and cons of care home vs at home. Or resurrect an old one if one exists.
Maybe it's been done to death (no pun intended!) or maybe everyone's circumstances are so specific to them that it wouldn't help.
This is my two pennies worth, my DM has dementia, she was sectioned last year and has been in a lovely nursing home almost a year. She is very happy, it’s a joy to see her in a warm cosy stimulating environment.
I can’t compare her life now with when she was living in her old home. She tells me she loves it where she is although doesn’t know where she is or why she lives there. She enjoys time in her room and in the communal areas.