Struggling to cope with stroke parent and feuding sibling.

[Lovingson]

I’ve never done this before so apologies if it’s boring. For the record, I’m not a mum, I’m a son. I’m’ not a weirdo or anything wishing to join female sites but I’ve come to realise from research “Blokey support” is not quite there yet.

Lost my dad in 2019 to the big “C”, mum and dad been married since 1963. Loved each other to bits and he passed away in her care at home.

Needless to say, she went from travelling at 100mph to hitting a brick wall.

she really suffered (still does) as the support fell away during to lockdown.

Ended up having to give up work before I was “asked to leave” due to the amount of time I had to respond to family crisis at short notice in order to be with her and help.

she has asked me on countless occasions to “help her” so she can be with dad.

I feel so guilty that I can’t, and feel that if I’d had the balls to, her current suffering would be over and she would be at peace.

Life feels pretty shit and lonely at the moment.

Not exactly the “Blokey thing” to do posting this on here, but I’m sick of this “Man up” crap.

Anyhow, it’s Smirnoff painkiller time.

Sorry if I seem to be a “wuss” but it is what it is.

I’d like some help, and this seems a good place to find it.

i’d like to think that once I’ve got through this I’ll be there to help others.

For those who’ve managed to read my full whinge it is much appreciated.

To all on this community, take care and don’t be afraid to talk.

yoga, meditation can help too

@Lovingson hope you have got some sense of the support from us totally unqualified but massively experienced mob? You sound lovely…hug those near. Be careful about your health. Be present for those who love you and might not know how to help. Remember, you are not whingeing you are genuinely trying to reach out for help.

I hope you're ok OP.

It's not fair of your DM to ask for you to euthanise her! It's ok to say no, you can't help her this way.

The food thing is really hard and I'm in the same boat with my DF. He went through a phase of really enjoying cakes, then he couldn't chew anymore so chocolate mousse was ok, now he's given thickener for drinks because he struggles with liquids. It is pretty soul destroying, I've now given up taking him in food. It feels very lonely but believe me, you're not alone in struggling with this.

It's ok to ask for support from your GP if you're struggling mentally. I was on Prozac for a bit although it made me pile on the weight. I've now got beta blockers and do my best to keep fit. I know exactly what you mean about the Smirnoff but it's not a good thing for us at all.

Hey, Horace, thanks for your message of support. Mum is on thickeners and very restricted diet due to swallowing problems through stroke.

Have been to the GP and been on the “happy pills”, blood pressure tablets and

something to help with the booze.

Been a coward but I’ve actually manned up today, been to see her with things she likes. Had to break the news to her going on holiday tomorrow for my 60th.

Feeling really shitty, comments from mum “Lucky you”.

Doesn’t help that the home phoned me this morning to say she’s announced she’s not eating their crap food anymore.

Hey ho, I’m not a miracle worker and can’t change the “circle of life” and nor would I want to, it just seems to be a bit crap when you’re at the end. Some reward for being a caring, loving person who was there for everyone else and their family.

Tell you something peeps. I feel I’ve had so much support from this site than any counselling or happy pills.

Thankyou all for the help and advice.

This is a fantastic site.

who knows, one day I might be able to help someone down the line in my situation.

😉

Hey, I’d rather speak to you guys than people who do this stuff based on academic learning and making a living from it.

Enjoy your holiday @Lovingson and happy 60th birthday! You are welcome here. Sometimes its good to just chat about the difficulties of life with other people who are going through the same.
Do have a read of some of the other threads, and you'll realise you're not alone.

This is a long running thread you might find interesting and helpful

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5008671-cockroach-cafe-spring-2024

@Lovingson Happy 60th! Enjoy a break. Your Mum is in a safe place and a break will be a tonic for you. It’s horrid hearing negativity from parents and family and sometimes I think we do pick up on things and latch onto comments when we should shrug them off. Thinking of the ‘lucky you’ comment about your holiday. Our Mum is so negative in a really passive aggressive way, but then again she always always has been. It sort of makes you realise we are often complicit in allowing poor behaviour in life but then when things do go wrong we realise that the other person is only ever going to be a worse version of themselves. A perfect storm really of us all trying to cope with a tricky situation and them an exaggerated version of their worst self. You didn’t cause this situation and you cannot cure it. Have a good break. Be kind to everyone around you and most importantly be kind to yourself.

@BlueLegume I often think if someone else's parent said these things, it would be so much easier to shrug off. But these little comments really sting with your own, don't they?
With my mother, we end up being so careful what we say, because we learnt that sharing family news often gets responses like 'lucky you' 'all right for some' 'they never come to see me' and it's draining. A combination of irritation and guilt possibly.

Conversation is either bland or I relent and join her in a good bitch about the neighbours, just to keep her happy! She can be very sweet sometimes but a lot of the time we are walking on eggshells. It's such a shame.

@lovingson I thought for a moment you might be my husband as we are in similar situation (FIL deceased fairly recently; MIL went to pieces and has subsequently had a stroke and now in a care home. Flips between imagining she still lives with FIL and her life is great, and wanting to end it all. Much of the heavy lifting is left to my husband as his brother finds it all too difficult).

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave him. You are important too.
Your mother is in a good place and looked after. You are not responsible for her happiness. Decide what you are able to give (maybe that's visit her once a week for an hour; maybe it's visit more often). Ignore what your sibling is doing - if they want to give less, that's up to them.
If she keeps talking about assisted suicide then just firmly move onto neutral subjects.

Yes, it's hard. Good luck.

Hi everyone. Well I’m back off holiday . Had a great time relaxing apart from my actual birthday.

DM decided to get one of the cares to face time me for her. Let’s just say it was not the best

I’ve just got back from seeing her now having had a bit of a “Roasting”.

Unfortunately, I’m not the only one getting the hairdryer treatment. She’s now taken to shouting out all the time and pressing her buzzer constantly. They asked me to have a word with her as she’s not only taking staff time up when they need to see to other people but even her old friends who are in nearby rooms are complaining.

I tried to be as diplomatic and caring as possible discussing this with her but I just got ranting anger back.

She’s as sharp- as a tack mentally and she’d not fit in on the dementia ward. Not that she’d end up the cause she can pass that test for mental capacity in a cinch.

My big concern is now that she’s going to become more difficult for the staff and residents that they’ll ask us to remove her.

i’ve learned a lot from you guys and am trying really hard to not self impose shame and blame on myself but it’s still hard.

This is not my mum treating me this way I tell myself. This person I go to see whose frustrations at still being here when she doesn’t want to be just seem to pour out when I’m there.

That said, she did tell me not to come back and see her if I didn’t want to (though not in polite terms).

Anyhow, ramble over.

Good luck and loving hugs to all my mumsnet pals and those going through the same stuff

xxxxxxxx

@Lovingson brilliant to hear your update and glad you feel here is a safe space for venting…it is! In terms of the home my experience is it won’t be a new experience for them having residents with challenging behaviour. They will have techniques to deal with this. Remember- put your own oxygen mask on first. Your Mum is in the right place. You did not cause this and you cannot cure it. Deep breath and remind yourself you are really important. I think the post from @redskydarknight above your most recent one is one you should keep re reading as it is so well worded. Keep strong and try to distract yourself with healthy behaviours not destructive ones.

Welcome back @Lovingson I also agree you can re read @redskydarknight's post over and again
What was you relationship like before all this?

In all honesty, when my mother tells me to get lost, which I assume is what you mean, I take her at her word. Over time she has come to learn that she has to behave herself if she wants me to do things for her ( I'm giving her more leeway now that she appears to have the beginnings of dementia) I will listen to her woes and commiserate with the indignity of being so much less able, but if she starts on a 'roasting' then I'm out of there. I don't even wait for her to finish.

The nusing home have strategies to cope with her and they are using you as their easy option.

I know it's hard but she is in a safe place and you and your family deserve for you to look after yourself too.

@CreakyDormouse @Lovingson yep, the homes have strategies for difficult situations . I have learnt that they actually want us as family to back off abit. I can only liken it to a good teacher/school who have a system to cope/deal with children. The last thing they need is a fussy parent rocking up mid lesson trying to make things worse/better/interfere

Hey you guys, Thankyou so much for your friendship and words of support, to be honest this is the best place for support I’ve been to.

it’s so nice to have friends and support.

I hope I can remain part of this community and help others who have yet to contact this group for help.

Take care, love you all and many thanks for your help and support

xxxxxxxdx

@Lovingson You’re very very welcome here. I hope you have a good nights sleep and we hear from you again tomorrow.
As others have said, you cannot manage this situation. The professionals are there for a reason … they know what to do far better than you. You need to look after yourself because

1. You deserve it and
2. Looking after yourself is crucial in order to support your mum. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

All the best. x

I just read your post and i can feel how hard this has affected you , i'm glad you had a good holiday you sound like you really deserved it,
My advice is - it sounds like no amount of visits you make will satisfy your mom and that you seem to be her whipping boy , you know she's safe ,hopefully she'll calm down from whatever she is getting worked up about at the moment so maybe back off a bit and make your visits a little shorter and perhaps less frequent , i get the impression you visit a lot.
If her behaviour gets her chucked out yes that's a pain but there will be somewhere else and her current home can't just throw her on the street they will have to give you notice.
I know it's hard and sad but you have a life to live too and just because your mom is in this miserable position and coming to the end of hers you must live yours and not be a slave to her , it is just so unfair for a parent to drain all pleasure from their kids life.
Best wishes to you .

Update,

went to visit mum on Monday. Pretty hostile and on parting wen’t off on a Voodoo rage telling me not to bother coming back.

Took it with a piece of salt and told her fine by me, but I’d be back to see her soon.

Pleasant surprise today, first thing she said was to apologise for her behaviour.

Thanks to all you out there for your support. I’m not going to be mums punchbag any more.

Hugs and kisses to everyone. Take care peeps x x x x x

Well done you! It is about putting a bit of bubble wrap around yourself, limiting the time you spend with her, particularly when she's unpleasant, and looking after yourself.
What was she like before she became so frail?
I'm pleased she apologised. It sounds like you handled it well. It's not easy as we do want to do our best by our ageing and ailing parents, but it's still upsetting when they get spiteful. Even if we know it's frustration and feeling unwell that's causing it.
Consider yourself hugged and enjoy the rest of your family - try not to let her take over all your thoughts!

Hi CreakyDormouse.

She was very strong person. She nursed my dad who died of cancer 2 years before lockdown.

She went from travelling at 100 mph before just hitting a brick wall.

No-one to care for any more.My mum and dad were true carers before he became ill. They sacrificed a lot to take care of their parents when their siblings got on with their lives.

Hi Peep’s, well it looks like we’re back to square one again. Got asked into the office today before I went to see mum. She’s getting very abusive to staff, constantly pressing her buzzer for attention. When they respond she doesn’t need anything. I’ve asked her about this and she tells me she does it just to make sure they’re doing their job.

ive tried to reason with her over this but to no avail.

I’m getting concerned and stressed again. Home management saying that if behaviour continues we’ll be asked to remove her.

Totally appreciate what they’re saying. It’s not that she’s not in control. She passes the self competence test with flying colours every time. As such, there is little that can be done without her consent.

I’m so torn. Want to do the best for her, but at the same time I need to do the right thing for her fellow neighbours.

This is not my mum, she was such a loving caring person. Whilst physically she’s still my mum, I don’t recognise this horrible person.

it’s not nice for everyone. I appreciate she is frustrated but I just don’t know what to do.

My Gran is going through similar and we've had a rough 2 years she has ended up on a DOLS and is no longer the same person she was. I had to beg for the elderly people's mental health team to get involved and she is now on an anti psychotic drug and starting to see improvement. The GP from the care home referred her to the mental health team. If she isn't under this then try and get the ball rolling it's been long coming but the old her is still there a little bit.

It's such a hard time.
Remember that your Mum is the whole sum of her life and this is just a small part of it. I'd imagine she was a strong capable woman and this stage of her life must be immensely frustrating for her too.
My MIL passed away last year and spent her last few years fuming in a care home! Except she was mostly ok, often quite happy but rarely cheerful for my poor DH who she was often grumpy with.
You might find it's worth looking at care homes that do take more challenging residents if your Mum might have to move. A friend of mine had his Mum in one because she was such a terror..
Keep keeping on and do try and find some fun and kindness in real life as this is a gruelling time for you.

Hi, tooteredtospeak. Appreciate your input. Unfortunately mum passes all the tests for mental capacity with flying colours. As such we can’t do anything without her consent.

Unfortunatelly mental health discussions with her are old school and her response is “I’m not mental”.

ive tried so much to explain to her about this and told her about my own mental health issues to try to reassure her she’s not a lunatic but to no avail.

To my shame, I’ve had thoughts about wishing she would die in her sleep. I’m not happy with those thoughts and feel like a piece of shit but I really don’t know what to do or how to feel.

sorry I’ve let friends on this site down but I’m still trying to take your advice and words of wisdom.

take care all, hope this thread may help blokes out there take the leap and reach ou to you guys.xxxxxx

That's crazy so does my Nan she has full capacity and absolutely no dementia at all but because she acts out and we her family and the care home staff are concerned that's enough for the GP to make a referral. This is where a DOLS comes in of she refuses medication but needs it they can administer regardless. But they will try other stuff first such as talking therapies ect. She could completely refuse but again that's where the .medical professionals can invoke a DOLS. I would speak to the GP attached to the care home as it sounds to me like much more could be done.