Struggling to cope with stroke parent and feuding sibling.

[Lovingson]

I’ve never done this before so apologies if it’s boring. For the record, I’m not a mum, I’m a son. I’m’ not a weirdo or anything wishing to join female sites but I’ve come to realise from research “Blokey support” is not quite there yet.

Lost my dad in 2019 to the big “C”, mum and dad been married since 1963. Loved each other to bits and he passed away in her care at home.

Needless to say, she went from travelling at 100mph to hitting a brick wall.

she really suffered (still does) as the support fell away during to lockdown.

Ended up having to give up work before I was “asked to leave” due to the amount of time I had to respond to family crisis at short notice in order to be with her and help.

she has asked me on countless occasions to “help her” so she can be with dad.

I feel so guilty that I can’t, and feel that if I’d had the balls to, her current suffering would be over and she would be at peace.

Life feels pretty shit and lonely at the moment.

Not exactly the “Blokey thing” to do posting this on here, but I’m sick of this “Man up” crap.

Anyhow, it’s Smirnoff painkiller time.

Sorry if I seem to be a “wuss” but it is what it is.

I’d like some help, and this seems a good place to find it.

i’d like to think that once I’ve got through this I’ll be there to help others.

For those who’ve managed to read my full whinge it is much appreciated.

To all on this community, take care and don’t be afraid to talk.

Strokes can do this, unfortunately. My late husband's hit his frontal lobe and I recall crying at work because I didn't want to go home and face him.

I was fortunate - as time progressed his original personality asserted itself and he apologised for his earlier behaviour.

I know it doesn't help, but it'll be the stroke that's doing this to your mum. Thinking of you.

I’ve just looked up “DOLS”, and unfortunately it doesn’t apply in this case.

My mum passes every mental health test they give her with flying colours.

The other problem I have is that my brother doesn’t want to help. He very rarely visits her and when I talk to him about her his response is “she’s in a place that will provide for her needs”.

I feel so alone dealing with her. Brother can be volatile if I ask what he regards as too much (only ask if he will visit her now and then).

Crazy as it may sound but she thinks the world of little bro.

That’s probably me being paranoid but I’ve heard it from the horses mouth as part of my visit “Beastings”.

Sorry to rant on, I’m sure it will seem I’m a bad son (though I’m sure you will disagree) but I’m not.

I’m sure this melancholy will pass (ps I’m already taking anti deppresants).

Please don’t feel sorry for me, I just need to know other people are there to listen to me venting my spleen.

This site has been a God send. I don’t need to speak to someone face to face or talk to the wife who just doesn’t get it.

ANYHOW, TIME FOR BED.

Ihope I haven’t depressed anyone too much but it’s great to get things off my chest.

Night night all xxxxx

Lovingson...My husband's stroke was the same type. Hemiparesis - loss of sensation on the left side. Couldn't even sit up in bed.

However, things improved. He was 75 when he had his stroke. He was placed in a rehab ward and given physio. To start with, they put him in a harness to bear his weight.

After 4 months of physio, he was able to walk again. Feeling did return, but unfortunately he then suffered from hypersensitivity.

Some of the men on his ward chose not to undergo walking rehab, but they still got rehab for arm movement etc. It sounds to me as though the medics aren't doing as much as they might because your mum is in a care home? (If I've got this wrong and she's not in a care home, I apologise.)

DON'T even think of "euthanising" your mum. It could go horribly wrong and cause more suffering and it would land you in a world of trouble.

My husband was able to get some enjoyment out of life again and our relationship was good again, though we had our arguments, the same as anyone else. He had another 8 years after the stroke.

After rehab, he didn't lose his appetite again until the very end - and it was a heart attack that took him then.

Bluntly, if your mum stops eating then the decision is in her own hands. Don't do it. You have the rest of your life to lead.

You're saying your mum has to be fed. I'm assuming that the speech and language people have said that her liquids need to be thickened because of a swallowing problem. Is that also why she's being fed - because they're worried about choking? Or is she simply refusing to use her right hand to feed herself?

I recall that the "swallow test" that they gave patients in our local NHS didn't seem very scientific - they tried the patients with a teaspoonful of water. If they didn't cough, they passed.

My mum had a series of strokes which weren't picked up on by us straight away. (I think she had some TIAs during the night and then others.) Latterly, she would only eat sweet things - not uncommon. I cared for both my husband and my mother and the nutritionist said that I was doing all the right things with mum - she was mainly being fed ice cream, custard and thickened nutritional drinks.

Sorry - this response isn't very well structured. It's quite late and I'm adding bits as I think of them.

Have just seen your more recent post. Good night, Lovingson. Sleep well.

Just to add that when I say that some of the men on the ward chose not to undertake rehab for walking, I'm not exaggerating. It was a rigorous programme and a minority who had had lesser strokes than DH opted not to go beyond the wheelchair stage because they couldn't face what it entailed. In their case, rehab focused on the upper body and wheelchair transfers. However, they all improved significantly in spite of being confined to wheelchairs.

DH and the chap in the bed opposite from him had the advantage of having been very fit and active prior to their respective strokes. When my husband first started rehab, the ward doctor initially thought that being able to use a zimmer frame would be a good outcome for him; he actually left using only a walking stick.

Hi loving son you have had great advice and support from people who get it and have been where you are. I just wanted to add that in view of your religious upbringing and presumably your mother’s faith you might find it useful to have a chat with the chaplain if the home has someone they use. They would be so used to all the complex feelings surrounding caring for the elderly and watching them suffer and suffering yourself. You might get an idiot but you might find a compassionate ear to help you through this difficult and lonely time. God bless.

Hi everyone, well it's nearly 1 am and I've just got home from responding to mum's 5th Facetime call.

I really don't know what to do!

Got there only to find everything was fine as it can be.

She was complaining the staff were not responding to her cries for help and that they'd moved her buzzer.

After ringing the home and getting no response I felt I had no choice but to go up.

On arrival, was met by a really nice lady. She informed me that she had been in to respond to mum a couple of times and that she'd given her a drink and a couple of packets of her favourite savoury snacks.

Saw the call buzzer log and it looked like what the carer told me was true.

Sat with mum to listen to the "I can't last with this much longer". She was very tired but let her guard down confirming they had been to see her.

Her words "They think they can palm me off with a couple of packets of crisps".

I'd never mentioned that the carer had told me this before I went in to see her.

This is getting out of hand now. I can't ignore her cries for help but we're back in the "Boy who cried wolf" situation again.

the number of times I've been over when she was living at home and called the emergency services only for an ambulance crew to arrive, check her out and brought her round with a cup of tea is crazy.

I'm trying really hard to be a good son, but she's really testing my patience to the limit.

I'm already on the happy pills but this is now starting to have a bad affect between the wife and me. We've not spoken for two days since my previous visit to see mum.

As I said in my previous moans, she passes the mental capacity with flying colours, as such there's little intervention I can take without her permission.

I feel really awful for thinking or saying this but I'm finding it really hard to feel any love towards my mum.

Anyhow, that's todays rant over.

I'm sorry to post this, but in a way it helps me get things off my chest without being judged or getting into an argument.

I'm so tired physically and mentally with this.

She's gone from a lovely person into a monster.

Take care everyone, thanks for listening and I hope all of you going through the same situation find your own peace and solace.

For those who have contacted me I'm eternally grateful for your words of wisdom and support.

Night night all, wishing you all a restfulll sleep.

I think you need to recalibrate your ideas of what you have to do to be a "good son". You're being hard on yourself and you're going to run yourself ragged.

Hi, LiterallyOnFire.

I know what you are saying is true but it's so hard not giving up on her. She was a lovely mum and I owe her so much for the sacrifices she and dad made to bring me up.

cheers

Barrie

Hi, Wearlyauld woman. Much appreciated