Struggling to cope with stroke parent and feuding sibling.

[Lovingson]

I’ve never done this before so apologies if it’s boring. For the record, I’m not a mum, I’m a son. I’m’ not a weirdo or anything wishing to join female sites but I’ve come to realise from research “Blokey support” is not quite there yet.

Lost my dad in 2019 to the big “C”, mum and dad been married since 1963. Loved each other to bits and he passed away in her care at home.

Needless to say, she went from travelling at 100mph to hitting a brick wall.

she really suffered (still does) as the support fell away during to lockdown.

Ended up having to give up work before I was “asked to leave” due to the amount of time I had to respond to family crisis at short notice in order to be with her and help.

she has asked me on countless occasions to “help her” so she can be with dad.

I feel so guilty that I can’t, and feel that if I’d had the balls to, her current suffering would be over and she would be at peace.

Life feels pretty shit and lonely at the moment.

Not exactly the “Blokey thing” to do posting this on here, but I’m sick of this “Man up” crap.

Anyhow, it’s Smirnoff painkiller time.

Sorry if I seem to be a “wuss” but it is what it is.

I’d like some help, and this seems a good place to find it.

i’d like to think that once I’ve got through this I’ll be there to help others.

For those who’ve managed to read my full whinge it is much appreciated.

To all on this community, take care and don’t be afraid to talk.

Erm … If you read your OP again you may realise you haven’t mentioned either of the issues in your thread title? Do you want to add something about them?

Hi, haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. No idea what OP is. As for all other stuff I just wanna contact someone who I can talk to to get some help and support.

apolgies if I’ve breached any rules or whatever

OP stands for original poster - in this case you.

The poster above is I think referring to no mention of sibling feud nor any information about your current struggles supporting your mother.

You've given the background and it sounds tough, but if you want advice it would help if you are specific about the issues you are concerned about now.

Hi it sounds like you are really having a really rough time.what is it you need help with?is it support for yourself and advice regarding your mother? OP just means-'original poster' so nothing to worry about x

One question I would ask is are you in the UK as often people offer information only to find it's not relevant.

Assuming you are then I wonder if you have referred your mother to adult social services?

How are you coping without an income? Do you live with your mother?

It's very difficult for people to deal with grief but simultaneously you can't put your life on hold forever and you need to think about how your mother can be supported in the longer term. Social services can help with this in providing information and potentially if she is eligible under the care act in creating a package of care.

Sorry for clarity OP can also mean opening post. Which is the reference above - but nothing sinister.

OP you haven't mentioned your parent's stroke or your feuding sibling in your post.

That's why ppl are asking you to clarify.

Also, this is the "Parents of Adult Children" board.
You haven't mentioned any of your adult children.

Sorry to hear what has been happening to you. Is there anyone in real life you can reach out to?

Anyhow, it’s Smirnoff painkiller time.

Not sure this OP will be back........

Hi all. Clearly still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing and correct way to post on here.

Mum is in a retirement home and has mentally deteriorated in terms of mood since her stroke. She doesn’t talk much when I go to see her other than to tell me she wants to die and ask me to “help her”.

She’s 88 and had a good life. It’s killing me to see her suffer and
I feel so sorry for her.

I’ve done my research and know how and what to do in the most painless and humane way possible.

it’s so frustrating that a) my religion tells me it’s wrong and b) it’s against the law.

Fortunately or unfortunately I was raised as a Catholic. I’m struggling to get my head round why God is allowing my mum suffer instead of just going to sleep and finding peace. She’s led such a good life as a person and been a carer to many along with my dad, putting others before themselves. It doesn’t help to recall as a child “Father Murphy” telling me that whilst my dad, brother and I could go to heaven, mum wouldn’t be able to join us as she was a Protestant.

As you can understand, I am no longer a member of the “flock” so I assume I’m going to be consigned to hell like all other non Catholics.

sorry for rambling on, but just sending this message out has helped to express my feelings.

Thanks for reading this, I hope I haven’t depressed anyone too much.

Thankyou

Lovingson welcome back. Just read your original post. I'm sorry your mum is still suffering. Religion is a load of old bollocks in my opinion. I don't think anyone will go anywhere when they die.... I just hope they find some peace. Sending you the biggest virtual hug 💐 🫂 💐

I’ve no doubt I’ve not posted this in the correct place so forgive me for that and if anyone can forward it to the correct chat/thread I would greatly appreciate it.

I would also add that I apologise to any of the Catholic community if I’ve offended you or disrespected your beliefs. Trust me I don’t want to but I find it hard to believe a “Loving God” can make my mum suffer this way

OK so you have posted in the wrong section, that's not a big issue, you can report your own post and ask for it to be moved to Elderly Parents. Also your sex is irrelevant, it's very difficult looking after elderly parents, and your mum's demands on you, re assisted suicide are unfair on you, without the religious aspects.

Thank you so much for your reply, really appreciate it. It’s so difficult to talk to people in person about the way I’m feeling.

Blokes don’t get it.

unfortunately the “Religion” stuff was indoctrinated from birth to 16. I’m still scared of ending up spending eternity in hell.

Hi, thanks for your advice and words of support. Greatly appreciated. I’ll try to do do what you suggest but may need help. This internet stuff is not easy to ubderstand

I'm off to bed now, but I had a strict Catholic upbringing, so I know that the guilt card is strong. I will be back tomorrow if you want to talk some more. goodnight x

@Lovingson just read your post and want you to know there is a huge community of support on here especially under the Elderly Parent topic header. In terms of Catholic guilt, I do understand. However some advice given to me in recent years is that feeling guilt does not equate to you being guilty. If you are doing everything you can in the circumstances then you would be wise to accept you may feel guilty, a Catholic hang up, but you are definitely not guilty. Try and find some distance between the time and energy you can spend making your Mums time comfortable, but try not to overstretch yourself. You have not caused this situation and likely you cannot cure it. Please take care of yourself so when you see your Mum she gets a good feeling off you, tricky as that sounds. You already know this but Smirnoff is a fake friend and only adding to your sadness. Hope that’s not too preachy but medicating with a depressant is not something that will help. Take care and if you do want to share about the sibling then do….there are a lot of us here! I’m newish here but if you want to reply to a particular poster start your message with @ and then the name of the poster. Take care

one of the hardest damn things is watching a loved one suffer; i went through it twice with my parents and my dear fil just died after a miserable three years in a home. believe me if i had had the guts like you I would have ended their suffering, the hell my dm went through with cancer was terrible no dignity just pain and humiliation. It was at that time I lost my Christian faith how could there be a God when he would let one of his own suffer like that. Wars, famines, etc it didn't make sense to me.
I think you have a lot to deal with and bottling it all up/dealing with it alone is clearly more than you can humanly cope with. I can imagine that the visits to your mum must be crushing.
I would urge you to talk to your GP I know that the current situation is dire but in the short term please ring MIND they are there to listen and may be able to suggest more help in your area. Dont forget the Samaritans who are there 24/7 365 days of the year so in your darkest moments you are not alone,
it might not seem it but there will be light at the end of the tunnel

Thanks to all of you for your replies. Feel a bit selfish for feeling sorry for myself if that’s what I’m doing.

I’m so confused and frustrated and unfortunately can be horrible to be around with sometimes.

I thought my brother would be there to help and support each other but alas that doesn’t appear to be the case. Mum just appears to be an inconvenience to him and his inheritance is dwindling away in care home fees.

Anyhow, just got back from visiting, we listened to some old time 50’s tunes which I think she enjoyed but hard to tell as communication is difficult for her.

Just sitting here communicating anonymously on this community seems to be comforting.

once again, thanks everyone. It’s much appreciated.

@Lovingson love your update. Focus on you and Mum. Sibling is not your problem. My experience is make a real effort with the staff at the home. Know their names and appreciate how much they care. Not sure if you have an activity coordinator but my experience is they are great and if you can help by being there to support them on days that might be enjoyable for Mum and you then the will love to include you. Really sound advice from@charlieinthehaystack re supp port available. Take care but keep us updated as well 🤗

BlueLegume, so nice to have your thoughts and support.

Unfortunately mum is for all intents and purposes is bed ridden.

Due to her stroke, she’s on a moist and minced diet. I’m running out of excuses

for not being able to take the food she asks for. Yet another guilt trip (I’m sure she feels I’m letting her down).

Communication is very one sided, she just stares into space, with the occasional comment.

I know in my heart of hearts that I’ve done the right thing but it’s hard to feel that I’ve not let her down. Brother can go screw himself, once this life chapter is over my focus is on my kids and grandchildren.

Even Grand daughter knows me as “Grumpy” rather than “Grandpa”.

Rant over

@Lovingson boundaries. Your mum is safe. Your well being is paramount. Let the staff look after Mum. Give anyone you’ve been grumpy with a hug or a kind text and ditch Mr Smirnoff for a few nights. We are a very varied community- vent when necessary but hug those close to you 😊

Please keep talking, totally understand as this place has been a life line to me on a couple of occasions.

please talk to your own GP too if you’re having dark thoughts about helping her pass away. Good to talk to charities also - possibly Age U.K., mind, Samaritans.

if your brother is unaware of how awful things are, make him aware, ask him to step up, be direct

But set your expectations low with your brother so that disappointment doesn’t eat you up.

rather then Smirnoff think exercise. A country walk or night stroll or cycle or wild swim or weight training/dancing in the house will offer you so much more relief then the bottle