So frustrated with my dad re moving nearer mum

[imaginationhasfailedme]

I don't know what I want from this really, just maybe to see if anyone has any other suggestions!
My dad (79) lives in London, I'm Suffolk and have been for 15 years. My mum (79) has alzheimer's plus a slew of other conditions. She was in a care home near my dad but their plan was always to move nearer me. 2.5 years ago my dad and I made the decision to move mum near me and I'd hold the fort while he sorted his end out and moved. He hasn't.

In the meantime, he's had treatment (radio) for prostate cancer and has had complications since then. But it's driving me bonkers that he still hasn't made any plans to move. I honestly think it's going to be too late (if it's not already) for him to bother moving.

Her sisters come and visit weekly, leapfrog each other, I go and see her frequently so she doesn't go more than a day without a visitor. Dad comes up once (sometimes twice) a week. My brother saw her once, December 2021. No effort since then. It's 'harder for boys' apparently.

I've tried so many different ways to encourage him to move, there's literally nothing standing in his way apart from the fact it's a massive move. And I get it. It's his home he shared with mum and the house my brother and I grew up in. But I'm still 'holding the fort' here with mum. The only upside to this is how much I've been able to spend time with her but she doesn't have much time left.

Currently sitting with Covid so can't visit her. Dad's planning on coming up later next week rather than this weekend or Monday. Which means she'll have gone days without a visitor.

If you've read this far, thank you. If you've ever successfully wrangled an elderly parent into moving, please share how! I'm cross at him, at my brother and at myself for not having persuaded him so far. I know I'll get a call from the care home one day and I'll be there in ten minutes, worrying about my dad making the long drive and being too late.

I wouldn’t want to move him. Not at 80

And what can he really do for his wife beyond a visit once a week?

And you’re asking a lot of an ill aged man to get his house on the market, sell it, find a property and move.

It will age him about a decade op, trust me

For goodness sake. he's had treatment for cancer and is suffering complications from that. The last thing that he'll want to do at the moment is organise a house move.
Maybe he's changed his mind about moving or just can't face it?

I can't see why he would move. You possibly rail roaded him into putting your mother in care home near you. You're asking him to leave his entire life, every friend and acquaintance he has. The shops that know him, the pub maybe he goes to have a drink. You take him away from that and he'll go downhill super fast. He deserves to still have a life.
Your mother unfortunately doesn't know who's who and doesn't remember if you visited or not.
I think you're being unfair to him.
Your brother on other hand is a bit of a dick but again have you made visiting more difficult for him by moving her for your convenience.

It is all about making your life easier op

You moved your mother away from from your father and now you’re getting pissy that he’s not following suit. Not for his best interest. But so that’s it’s more convenient for you

He a Londoner
Will have friends
Will have a life

and you want him to basically give that up in the years when he does have decent health and move to somewhere far away that is far from London-Esque to suit… you

You are getting a hard time on here OP… it’s very hard esp when your brother pulls the ‘it’s hard for boys’ card ( mine did too leaving me to do the lion share of the caring)
I think you need to have a frank conversation with your brother and your father and go from there.

Where does your brother live?

I actually think your dad is being selfish.

While I appreciate he's been ill, he'll soon be expecting you to run back and forth to London to look after him when the time comes.

I'd just say "dad you're not getting any younger... surely it's best you move now before it gets even more difficult"

Honestly you mum doesn't need a visitor ever second day. Have a look at some of the threads on Elderly parents. Most of us visit once a week with someone else also doing once a week. What else does 'holiday the fort' involve?

He can't ,it's to much for him
I had to do everything when I sold my parents home
It was horrendous,she never came out of hospital,and I had every thing to do ,it was like she went out for a walk and didn't come back ..
He's absolutely not going to be able to do the move himself

I think you should of put your mum in rest home as near to your dad as possible..so he can visit every day

Out of the question . She’s moved once and now settled.

Maybe he doesn't want to be with her. A lot of that generation would never divorce, but maybe the marriage died long ago.

i think sadly his actions (or lack of ) have given you the answer? perhaps by moving her and becoming her primary visitor, it's lessened any need he has to see her or be close to her, so sadly you may just have to let it be...but as long as he is clear that you wont necessarily be able to provide the same level of attention when he is in the last part of his life?I've tried and failed to persuade an elderly parent to move closer and i have just had to recognise its their choice.

I have a mother with dementia in a care home too so you have my sympathy- it’s tough losing them slowly .

However I think you are making a typical mistake in placing most of your care giver focus on your mother and forgetting that your father needs support too .

He is far too old to move and what do you mean “ hold the fort “ ? Your mum is being cared for in an appropriate environment with visitors, there’s nothing much for you to do except visit.
What else can be done by your father ?

Please back off and let him visit when he can while trying to get himself back to good health .

Be aware you are assuming that your mother will go first hence you have an expectation from your father to act in a certain way that seems most suitable to you . It’s perfectly possible your father will go first at this age , or perhaps decline further in health and feel he wants to stay where things are more familiar .

I mean this kindly , but you appear to be allowing your emotions to cloud common sense thinking . Ask yourself what will improve for you if your father comes to Suffolk?
I can’t think of anything other than you’ll feel responsible for both of them .
His arrival will not improve your situation at all, you’ll still have the stress and emotional challenges that come when faced with losing parents .

Take care , it’s tough having the worry of elderly parents.

Hmm, you’ve made your bed a little bit here op, or maybe jumped the gun a bit? The discussion re your dad moving was over two years ago, he’s now almost 80 - it’s just too late to expect him to go through a house move upheaval imo. Your mum has Alzheimer’s - does she actually know any of you any more? Does a few days without visitors make a difference, does she even notice (mines in the same boat and wouldn’t have a clue if people visit her or not, or who they are when they do visit). If your mum is settled where she is, I think the situation you have here (with them living separately) is probably the long term reality.

That. He might have had all good intentions, but the reality is spectacularly hard at that age. And he had the stress of a cancer diagnosis on top of it all.

He will lose so much by moving, and by the time his house is sold and everything has gone through, your mum won't even know him.

Save your anger and frustration for your brother. He might find it hard, but its his obligation to help (assuming that he's local-ish). Let your dad be.

He has prostate cancer .. his wife is probably the one who took care of him ..

I honestly think he doesn’t want to move .

he may feel he has lost his wife already .

you brother is slack ..

but you need to see what your dad actually wants - guilt free .. support him

He is far too old to move and what do you mean “ hold the fort “ ? Your mum is being cared for in an appropriate environment with visitors, there’s nothing much for you to do except visit.
What else can be done by your father ?

That. My wonderful MIL was in a care home three hours away from me, and two from her DD. She got, at most, once a week visits from one of us, accompanied sometimes by our young adult offspring. She often thought she'd seen us the day before, or not for a month. The frequency would have made no difference.

There was no fort to hold. All her needs were met at the care home. Rarely we would get a call to ask if they could buy something she needed, or to ask us to fill in some paperwork. Nothing that required us to be close at hand.

Your dad is nearly 80. I honestly think you should just let him live where he likes for the possibly fairly few years he has left. My dad is just over 80 and recently had prostate cancer treatment. It was gruelling, and a few months on he is still not back to his former levels of energy etc. He has four children living nearby to help him. Presumably your dad has had to cope on his own.

Surely your dad remaining in familiar surroundings while he's still able to care for himself is far preferable to uprooting him unless he has needs that aren't being met where he is?

Your brother, however, needs to pull his finger out and visit occasionally. I don't think there is a need for a daily visitor unless your mum would actually notice this. A couple of times a week is fine. Where does your brother live? Is it nearby? Or is it a big journey for him?

I don't understand why you seem to think DM needs to have visitors every day? In a care home she will have her needs met and not be lonely. You say she has alzheimers -so does she even notice that she has daily visitors? Also- as others say - the move is v. difficult for your DF now.

It was my dad's suggestion to move her up here, I was definitely happy with that (they were planning to move before she fell ill) and he said it would be easier to move her first, then himself.
I get that it comes across that I want him to move to make it easier for me. But when she was in a home near him, he was there every day. So I think it feels like now she's a fair distance away, he doesn't have to worry about it. Although whenever we speak on the phone, he asks whether I've seen mum.
I want to see her as much as possible and hate the thought of her not hearing one of us. Most times I go and read my book while holding her hand, filling her in with gossip when it comes to me.
But actually, fundamentally, my brother is who I'm maddest at. He's made zero fking effort. And makes zero with my dad either. He's in Surrey, 30 mins away from him. So now I'm feeling like I'm looking after both my dad and my mum. Neither of whom I can do anything useful for realistically.
I love my dad dearly (stubborn old mule that he is, he has no social life in London, doesn't go out and about but likes his neighbours) and am aware that he's struggling too so I'll take off the pressure of moving. Thanks for making it clear for me.
My brother is a dick.

I think your brother is a dick too, especially as he is not that far from your dad and could at least take the pressure off there as it's a fairly long journey for brother to get to Suffolk.

Brother only visited her twice in the year she was 30 mins away from him as well. I promise it wasn't my intention to move her here for my own benefit. Her and dad have spent the last 50 years together every day (bar two weeks!). They were both meant to be relocating, just at separate times.
I'm scared that I'll be on my own when she dies tbh.